Sunday, August 27, 2017

One More Light

I really like this song: it's by one of my favorite artists and deals with suicide I think.  I just wish he had listened to his own lyrics.  While the song does make me feel sad for that very reason, I think the lyrics have a good message.  When I found out he had ended his life, I promised myself that I would listen to this song and not follow in his footsteps.  Instead, I would remind myself to keep going.  I recommend you listen to the song and read the lyrics.

Anyway, (I know I do cover suicide a lot in this blog) there are a number of reasons why someone chooses to end their life.  For me, it's very strange how things are with me.  When I'm to the point that I want to end my life, I'm in so much pain and feel like the world would be better off without me.  That's normal, it's the "Better Off Dead" thinking.  But right before I've actually attempted (I'm hoping I don't encourage anyone to do this), and during, I feel numb and apathetic - as if nothing really matters anymore.  While feeling numb does feel good when you're overwhelmed with emotions, this kind of numbness doesn't feel good at all.  It's not the same kind of numbness I get as when I get my fixes (whether it's my cutting or when I binge).  Like I said, it's a numbness that makes you feel like nothing really matters anymore.  It's a VERY dangerous numbness.

Even if you attempt and survive, the people around you are never the same.  After surviving three attempts, I can tell they don't see me the same way as before.  They don't trust me anymore - and I know they have a good reason for it; but it still hurts.  People feel like they're walking on eggshells all the time around you because they're afraid they could trigger you to hurt yourself.  They often wonder if they were the reason why you tried to kill yourself.  Some people will even leave you because they just can't handle it anymore.  My husband can't even look at an ambulance or a hospital the same way as before because he remembers when I was rushed to the hospital in my second attempt.  When you attempt something and survive, you can end up changing your life in bad ways as well.  You can permanently damage organs and other things in your body.  I was lucky to only get a minor brain injury; but I could in the future have kidney issues.  Your relationships will never be the same.  Your personality may be even change (I know mine did).  I know for myself, after I made my first attempt the thought of suicide is in my mind ALL the time - even when I'm not feeling suicidal.  I mean, I thought about it before my attempt, but not as often as I have after the first attempt.  It really changes your life in a negative way.

But there is HOPE!

Whether you are in a lot of pain right now, having Better off Dead thinking, or are feeling apathetic, there is hope to get out of the mess!  It'll take work though, but anything worthwhile in life takes work.  First off, you need to realize you have value.  This is something I still working on in myself.  It's difficult for some of us to not see any value in ourselves - that's why we feel like we're better off dead.  But I'm here to tell you, you ARE valuable!  You think the world would be better off without you?  IT WON'T BE!!!!  Your life is precious!  You are worth living!  Even if you don't see a way to get through things and just want to throw your hands up and give up, you CAN get through it - imagine how much you will have grown as a person to get through it!  You can even help people who are going through it!  "Well Allie, I don't care about anyone or anything anymore."  You may feel that way, but in reality, you do care.  Why else would you think the world would be better off without you?  YOU MATTER!!!!!  Anyone who tells you that you have no value is a liar - even if that person is yourself.

The other thing you need to do is cling to Jesus.  I think we often feel like we have to get through life on our own.  Sometimes we put Jesus in this little box that we only take out to play with when we feel like we really need Him.  But we need to have Him in our life ALL the time!  I'm telling you, you won't survive without Him when you're in the better off dead mindset.  Cling to Jesus, in your tears cry out to Him - He listens, really!  I know it often feels like He's not there.  We feel so alone; like no one understands what we're going through.  But I'm here to tell you, you are NEVER alone!  I've stated many times throughout this blog, and it happens to be one of my favorite verses this year:

Isaiah 53:3

He was despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.

He was a man of sorrows.  He understands our pain.  Been rejected?  He gets it.  Been betrayed?  Been there and got the t-shirt.  He KNOWS whatever pain you're going through and wants to be there for you.  You've got to let Him though.  He won't force Himself - it has to be YOUR decision.  He is bigger than any problem you are going through.  Don't listen to the lies of the enemy.  He seeks to destroy you, not build you up (John 10:10).  But Jesus wants to build you up in His image.  Cling to Him, and He will hold you and never let you go.

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