Friday, March 31, 2017

The Face Beneath Your Skin

This blog entry is going to be about what it's like being a schizophrenic.  I tried to find a video with the lyrics to the song "Papercut" by Linkin Park on here but I couldn't find it except for the karaoke versions.  So here's a link if you want to see it:

So what is it like with schizophrenia?  For me, I didn't used to have it, and if I did, it was dormant for a long time.  The song "Papercut" really describes what it's like very well.

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but

Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin [x3]

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

The sun
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

A big thing with schizophrenia (for me at least) is paranoia.  When I have a psychotic meltdown, I get really paranoid, hallucinate, hear voices (meds have helped this not happen very much), and get delusional.  Before I was being treated for it and it was in it's beginning stages, I was paranoid that my mother-in-law was trying to poison me, and I thought the ground was going to swallow me.  The hallucinations were things like I thought I saw my cat in one room, when he was really in another room.  The voices didn't tell me to do stuff, it was mostly like I was listening in on a conversation between multiple voices having conversations.  Sometimes they would talk to me though.  Sometimes I'd wake up at night hearing someone screaming my name.  Other times when they'd talk to me, they'd say really horrible things about God - I hated that.  Delusions didn't really happen until much later.

Super Bowl Sunday I wasn't able to take my meds all day because I kept vomiting them up.  That night I flipped out.  I kept hallucinating the bedroom door violently opening and closing.  I was so freaked out, I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating or if something was really happening.  I grabbed part of our wall and refused to move.  I wouldn't let anyone come near me.  I was like an injured animal who wouldn't let anyone help me.  One of our neighbors came over who's a grandmother and knew some of my issues.  She tried to get close to me as I was in tears and I wouldn't let her come near me. Eventually, slowly, I let her come near me.  She helped me take my meds and then go to bed, she even tucked me in bed.

Another incident was a couple weeks ago.  I ended up vomiting my meds in the morning and couldn't try to take them until that evening.  That afternoon I could feel the effects of not having taken my anti-psychotic.  During my husband's podcast, I started getting paranoid.  I kept thinking I saw shadows moving.  Then the delusions came.  Yes, I have a problem with cutting, but this time was different.  This time I started thinking, "I need to cut to see if my blood is a normal color."  Luckily, I had enough sense to not follow through with it and realize it wasn't normal thinking.  I got so scared and I didn't want to interrupt my husband's interview, that I just sat on the couch covering my face in my hands so I wouldn't see the hallucinations anymore.  I was in tears because I was so scared.  At the time, my cat Shiro was in another room on top of his cat tree.  He must've known I was in a lot of distress.  I heard him jump down and he came up on the couch and laid right next to me.  At first I didn't know if it was really him with all my hallucinating and I didn't want to look to make sure.  When I've had hallucinations, I've had them from all the senses.  Usually they're visual, and when I hear voices they're auditorial.  When I had my first overdose in 2009 though, I had other ones too - all at the same time.  While I was in ICU I saw red ants crawling on the wall and ceiling.  They were so realistic that in corners they'd look like they were bunching up.  When I'd look up at the ceiling, they'd fall on me.  If my mouth was open, they tasted like paper.  As for hearing, I heard someone playing the flute in the hospital.  I guess the only one I didn't have really was smell.  Anyway, back to the recent attack.  For about an hour I sat there covering my face in tears.  When my husband finished his podcast, he saw me freaked out on the couch.  For another hour he tried to convince me to uncover my face.  He told me Shiro really was laying next to me too.  After I uncovered my face Shiro jumped down.  I took my meds that evening and I vomited them again.  The nights when I can't take my anti-psychotic are very long.  I'm paranoid, I hallucinate, and I'm so on edge that I can't sleep.  The hallucinations at night tend to be the scariest ones.  They look demonic to me and because of things I've experienced in the past, I don't always know if they're real or hallucinations.

Some hallucinations are so out there that I can tell they're not real.  Like one time last summer, I had a hallucination of a green pickel/hot dog floating towards me.  It was so weird I almost laughed and thought, "Great, I'm hallucinating food now."  A lot of times though I hallucinate shadows during the day.  Sometimes I hallucinate bugs (which is actually what they were when I first started hallucinating).  Sometimes I think I hear rain when it's really not.  I also hallucinate faces at night.  One night I saw something laying on top of my husband - it looked like a person, and they were staring at me.  Typically when I hallucinate, I look in a different direction, and when I look back in the direction where I saw something, it's gone. This isn't foolproof though.  There have been times when I looked back it was still there.

As for paranoia, I often feel like I'm being watched and followed.  If I hear weird sounds I panic.  A few days ago I was home alone and I thought I heard someone playing with the doorknob.  I didn't know if it was real or not but I was too scared to find out.  Another time when I was home alone I thought I heard my husband playing Pokemon GO outside.  I opened the door and there was no one there and the sound was gone.  That really scared me.  I always think people are talking about me.  I'm always paranoid about relationships.  If I'm having a conversation online for example.  I know it takes time for people to respond.  But I start panicking, "They haven't answered back yet, did I say something wrong?  Do they not like me?  What if they think this way about me?"  It's even worse with in-person relationships.  I'm always afraid I'm going to say or do something wrong.  I'm always afraid of what people think of me.  I have a hard time reading people because of my Asperger's, so I have to just go by what they say, but they're not always honest either.  I can tell you many stories where I relied on people being honest with me about stuff socially, and it came back that they weren't.  If I gave you all those stories I don't think this blog entry would ever end.  So because of those experiences, it makes me not trust people even more.  Lies are one of the things that affect me the most.  If someone lies to me, I can't trust they'll tell the truth, and I know it's like that with most people, but I think it's a little more affective for me than most people.  For most people, if someone lies, they just have a hard time trusting THAT person.  For me, if someone lies, I can't trust anyone.

That's about all I can think of right now.  I hope this blog has been helpful.

Monday, March 20, 2017

His Love is Deep

Lately I've been really needing to focus on how much God loves us.  A lot has been going on I can't get into right now and like I said in my previous entry, it's really taking a tole on me.  I just don't feel strong enough to handle all this, so I have to depend on Christ to give me the strength to endure it.  The song I've included in this entry is "Furious" by Jeremy Riddle.  We sang it at church yesterday and it's been stuck in my head all day yesterday and today.  I want you to focus on the chorus (the whole song is great though):

His love is deep, his love is wide, and it covers us
His love is fierce, his love is strong, it is furious
His love is sweet, his love is wild, and it's waking hearts to life

His love is deeper than the deepest trenches of the ocean.  His love is wider than space itself.  His love is fiercer than any sword, penetrating the hardest of hearts.  His love is so strong, it's unbreakable.  His love is sweeter than the sweetest aroma.  It's something we cannot wrap our minds around.  His love is constant, nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing can make Him love us less.  Let me repeat that:  Nothing can make Him love us less.

His love for us is so great, that He sacrificed His Son for us.  The punishment we deserve he took for us.  No matter what you, do, say, or think, HE LOVES YOU!

This verse has been really important to me this year:

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

Luke 12:32

I struggle with a lot of anxiety and paranoia.  But this verse tells me, "His love is so strong, that I don't have to be afraid.  He will protect me.  He wants me to be with Him."  It's the same for you.  He wants YOU; He wants to be with YOU!  Just let Him in.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Jesus' Heart Breaks

At church today Pastor Chris Emmitt (Mountain Lake Church) talked about how Jesus' heart breaks for the broken.  He read Matthew 9:9

As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, "Follow me."  And he rose and followed him.

He continued its verses 10-13

Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners.  But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with such scum?"  When Jesus heard this, he said, "Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do."  Then he added, "Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.  For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

I really needed this sermon because I've been really struggling recently.  I can't get into it, but it's really taken a tole on me emotionally.

A few years ago, I was in this Christian group on Facebook.  They were talking about how people who say they are Christians have tattoos and piercings really aren't Christians.  I fought against it obviously, and I told them how I've struggled with self-harm and suicidal tendencies (with three attempts - though at the time it was only one).  They proceeded to tell me that I was really a goat instead of a sheep.  What they meant was I wasn't really a follower of Christ, I just thought I was.  I have really struggled with this.  I know now I'm a sheep, but the thought still comes to my mind, "Am I really a goat?"  I heard someone say this, and I have thought the same thing.  If I were there when Jesus was calling for his disciples and telling them to follow him, what if he said my name and I was like, "Really?  You pick me?"  Then he says, "No, the person behind you."  I wonder, "Will Jesus be happy when he sees me, or will he be frustrated/annoyed like 'Great, she's here now'?"

What does Jesus see when he sees me?  Does he see me as a child with a broken heart because she gives her heart away to people who don't deserve it?  Or does he think, "She's hopeless.  She's going to continue to do the same thing over and over again."

Jesus' heart breaks for the broken.....

Let that sink in....

Are you broken?  Are you at your breaking point?  Are you hopeless?  Jesus' heart breaks for you.  He wants to help you.  He wants to comfort you.  It's difficult to, but let him be there for you.  You are his precious child, let your Heavenly Father be the perfect father you need/want.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017


I got sick again for a while.  We still don't know why I'm so sick (I've been sick for five months now).  Today I'm doing really well (nausea-wise) so I thought I'd go ahead and write a blog entry while I'm doing okay.

My husband and I had been going through Clannad and Clannad After Story.  We finally finished it tonight.  I don't want to give things away, but while I was watching it, it made me think about the times when I wish I could go back in time and change things.  What if I hadn't tried to kill myself in 2009?  I wouldn't have this brain injury.  I wouldn't be schizophrenic.  What if in 10th grade I hadn't cut myself?  Maybe I wouldn't have this addiction to self mutilation.  What if I hadn't let myself go?  What if I had realized I wasn't fat and had no reason to give up taking care of myself?  Maybe I wouldn't be morbidly obese.  We can go on and on about what ifs.  As cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason.  No matter how bad something is, God will use it for good.  I've been through a lot of abuse, emotional and sexual.  I have what ifs about those too.  What if I screamed at school when that guy touched me?  What if I hadn't been so foolish to give my trust to people who really didn't deserve it?  The list goes on.

While my husband and I were watching Clannad After Story tonight, I asked him, "If my suicide attempt two years ago had been successful, would you have regretted meeting me?"  He answered no.  When I think about my first attempt in 2009, it really sucked.  But if it hadn't happened, I maybe wouldn't have met the man who I'd marry and loves me more than any other person in the world!  It sucks to have the issues I have since the first suicide attempt, and after the second one the doctor said I could have kidney issues, but as hard as it is, it was worth it if it means I'm with my husband.  I'm not saying suicide is the answer.  It definitely is NOT!  It's not something to play with.  If you make an attempt, you may not make it out alive.  I know that may sound like a relief, I've been there, when you feel like there's no hope, you just screw everything up and you want to escape it all.  Trust me, suicide is not the answer to end your pain.  If you don't succeed, you can end up with permanent damage.  If you succeed, you will put all your pain and more on top of those who love you and care about you.  Either way, your pain does NOT go away, it gets amplified.

Anyway, we need to accept what has happened in the past.  What happened, happened; there's no changing it.  The question is, how do you move on from it?  Sometimes moving on doesn't end happily.  When you go through abuse, it is not easy to move on.  That memory stays with you for a long time, if not forever.  You gave your trust away, and they took advantage of it.  Moving on means you have to learn how to trust again.  Moving on means you can't picture things being repaired with that person(s).  When you are morbidly obese, you can't just say, "Well, this is bad, I'll just go back so many years ago when I wasn't this way."  Moving on means you have to work at losing that weight and getting healthy.  The same goes with addictions.  You can't just go back to the days when you didn't have that addiction.  You have to work at conquering it and accept that the struggle may stay with you for the rest of your life.  Life sucks.  No question about that.  Some days are good, but it seems like most days are bad (for me anyway).  We wish we could go back in time and change things.  But that's impossible.  So we need to live for today and do what we can to make the world a better place.  Even if we feel useless and worthless, we can still do something to make the world a better place.  I know this isn't easy.  I'm on disability which means I can't have a job.  I'm watching all my friends do meaningful things with their lives, many of them doing the things I always wanted to do but can't.  I feel like I can't do anything, and this illness I've had for five months has made that feeling even worse.  I feel like I don't do anything to contribute to society.  But that's not true.  My life is not worthless.  I can do something to improve the world.  My hope is that my blog will help people.  I tend to be an open book, but there are things I don't like talking about.  Raw emotions, raw wounds that I wish I could just forget.  I want people to see my blog and say, "Wow, she knows what I'm going through!  She can relate to me!"  It's difficult to be vulnerable.  It means there's a level of trust and while it may be somewhat easier to be vulnerable online, it's still not easy.  I hope this blog, my struggles, and my victories will be helpful to you.