Fighting Together

I’ve spent much of my life fighting alone.  Growing up I got bullied a lot and no one defended me.  I had some friends, but they typically didn’t last very long for me.  It’s also really difficult for me to trust people because of abuse and abandonment.  When I start to trust and get close to someone, I push them away or I test them.  I crave intimacy and closeness with people, but I often fear it.  It terrifies me because I’ve been hurt so many times.  I’m so used to being alone though, even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people, that I don’t really know how to do life with people.  The battles life throws at us, I’m so used to fighting them by myself that I don’t know how to let people in.  How do I let people in?  I’m trying really hard to allow people (well, some people, I’m trying to be very selective with who I let in my bubble) to be there for me.  I honestly hate being alone.  I’m trying to trust a select few.  While I need to trust more, I need to make sure I’m trustworthy too.  I need to not let my fears overtake me.  Life is full of hurt.  Sure I can keep everyone at a distance and stay safe, but is that really living?  Is trusting no one really living?  Let me answer that for you:

It’s not living.

We need people to do life with.  We don’t need a lot of people.  If you have only a few people in your corner, you are richer than most people in the world.  Cherish those relationships, and never take them for granted.  Don’t ever cease thanking them for being there for you.

To those who have been there for me, who have endured with me, thank you.  I will work hard at not only allowing you in and trusting you, but I will also work on being someone you can rely on and trust too.  Thank you for everything, you are worth the risk of me being hurt.

Rain and Rainbows

I’ve been trying to heal from something that’s been really difficult for me (if you haven’t read my last blog entry).  I’ve been cutting again, among other things I’d rather not discuss at the moment.  I seem to be getting worse and sicker.  I keep everyone at a distance - my friends, family, priest, therapist even.  I’m having a difficult time trusting everyone.  I second guess everyone, including myself.  Everything I say to someone I’m afraid I said something wrong and panic; afraid they will leave me high and dry too.  When people say they care about me, I question their genuinity (if that’s a word).  I spend many days crying, afraid I’ll be alone, even though I push people away.  When one person breaks my trust, everyone loses my trust.  I know that’s not fair for other people, and I do apologize to the people effected by that, as well as my reckless behavior.

I was talking to a friend today (a fellow Borderline friend).  It’s been raining a lot lately in my area, which I don’t mind because I find rain relaxing.  She was talking about how she misses the sun, when I said something kinda profound.

“You can’t have rainbows without the rain.”

I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but think about it.  Rainbows come out after a storm.  So it is in life.  You can’t know the good times in life without knowing the hard times.  You can’t know the people who help heal you without knowing shitty people.  So if you’re going through a dark time right now, don’t give up hope.  No matter how severe the storm seems, there’s a beautiful rainbow around the corner.  The clouds will eventually clear up, the winds will eventually calm down, and the rain will eventually stop.  Don’t give up.