Sunday, August 13, 2017

Broken but Not Forgotten

Recently, there have been some changes going on with me.  Things I couldn't understand are making light.

I'm so broken, shattered in a million pieces.  The broken toy no one wants to play with and is beyond repairable, so I'm thrown into the fire.  There is a darkness inside me that consumes me.  I'm drowning, and no lifeguard to save me.  I gasp for air but there is none there.  Most days He feels a million miles away from me.

I am broken, but not forgotten.

God has been making it very clear for nearly a week to me that He sees me differently than I thought He did.  He's used others, as well as some circumstances, to show me that while I am broken, He has not forgotten me.  He has not forgotten my anguish.  He has not forgotten my inner demons that haunt me.  He has seen my unseen tears.  He's seen the blood that flows out of my arms when I can't handle things.  He's seen my dark thoughts that I can't get rid of.  He's heard my cries for help on my knees.  My spirit is shattered.

I am broken, but He has not forgotten me.

I always thought I'm useless.  Every time God has given me an opportunity to tell the Good News to someone, I have failed.  I chicken out.  I just sit on my ass all day long doing nothing but being stuck in the darkness of my mind.  Why would He ever use anyone like me?  How could He ever use someone like me?  I'm an absolute failure and a mess.  I'm just a waste of oxygen.  I'm worth more dead than alive.

I am broken, but He has not forgotten me.

I've always thought that one day when I go to heaven, Jesus is going to see me and think, "Greeeeat, she's here, now I have to deal with her for eternity!"  Of course, rolling his eyes.  What if He's not really like that though?  A friend told me recently that when I go to heaven, Jesus will run to me, hug me, and won't stop kissing me.  This doesn't make sense to me.  Why me, the screw up?  The person who drains everyone around me?  The person who's too afraid to share about Him other than on my blog?  The person who has a deep darkness inside my soul?

"So he returned home to his father.  And while he was still a long ways off, his father saw him coming.  Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him."

Luke 15:20

In the past, I had a deep hatred for Him.  Two years ago, I left Him because I thought He didn't want me anymore.  The darkness inside me tears me apart.  My heart was dead, with maggots feeding on my soul as I was dying.  Do you have any idea how painful it is to think the God of the universe, the Savior of the world, doesn't want you anymore?  It's an unimaginably heartbreaking feeling one could have.  Yet, He still pursued me, and brought me back three days later.  I had died inside, but He resurrected me.  He saw me - the failure, the mess, the traitor, the broken, and ran to me with open arms.  I am realizing no matter how much self-hatred I have for myself, no matter all the shame I carry daily, He doesn't feel the same way about me.  He loves me in such a way that I can't understand nor even begin to imagine.  It's a deep love that no person, no animal - nothing can have for a person, nonetheless a person such as I.

I am broken, but He is healing me.  The scars are fading.  The beast inside me is dying.  As I drown in my sorrow, He pulls me out of the water.  As I'm gasping for air, He gives me oxygen.  His light is piercing the darkness that engulfs me.  I was a prisoner to the darkness of my mind, but He has broken the chains and opened the door to the truth - His truth.  He's not far away and never has been, He's always been with me.  I carried not only my burdens, but the world's burdens on my shoulders.  I didn't know how to get rid of the luggage, so I carried it for so many years on my own.  But now I know I can't continue to do that anymore, so I gave it to Him.  I trusted Him to take care of them and me.  Now I have a peace that I haven't had in a long time - His peace.

I am still broken, but He is putting me back together into something amazing!  A creation even greater than I was originally.  He is making me whole - in His image.

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