Friday, August 25, 2017

Fake Angels

I was looking back at my previous blog entries to see how I've improved since I started.  Some of them brought back old emotions I had been feeling.  I've talked before about abuse, and around the beginning of my blog for a while I was being abused.  I didn't outright say it because honestly, I didn't realize I was being abused.  All of the signs were there and I didn't recognize it.  While I was not innocent in the matter, this person (who also happened to be a minister) would blame me for everything and insult me.  Everything was always my fault.  He even publicly shamed me!  I wanted to leave the abuse, but I was always reeled back in.  That's how abuse is.  You want to leave, but then you think "Maybe things will be different," "Maybe I/they've changed."  They act like they really care about you, but in reality - you're nothing to them.  You might as well be garbage to them.  This particular person saw me as a project.  He thought he could fix me, but when he realized he couldn't, he ditched me.  He even told my husband "I wish I never tried to help her."  I did everything I could to try to please him, because I had felt like I had already failed my dad, I didn't want to fail another father figure to me.  But that's what happened, he caused me to feel like I had failed another father.  He was quite strange.  He would send me "love songs" and I told him he shouldn't, then he'd be like "Oh no you should send those to Nick!"  It was quite awkward, yet his wife accused me of trying to make the relationship sexual?  Smh.  I felt like the only way I could truly escape it all was to kill myself.  My attempts (yes, more than one attempt) all failed though.  There's a reason why God saved me from them, but I haven't figured out why yet.  Just before Nick and I moved to get away from this guy and his family, I wanted Nick to leave on good terms with them (since they were good friends).  Well, he tried, and my mom tried to help too, but it did not go well.  I wasn't supposed to know what he and his wife said, but I snuck onto Nick's computer to read the e-mail - it broke me so badly I couldn't read it all.  They made so many false accusations of me.  They said I didn't have Autism, I didn't have a brain injury, that I was manipulating Nick when I'd cry, that everything was my fault, and that I tried to make the relationship sexual.  I'm sure they made other accusations in the email but I couldn't read it all.  You know what the worst part is?  He never got in trouble for how he treated me - not even a slap on the hand.  So now he can possibly abuse others.

It's been a difficult road trying to recover from the abuse.  He was the fourth person I've been in an abusive relationship with.  Last year, just after moving, I had to go to the hospital for a week because I was so suicidal.  I had to miss out on a lot of stuff at church because the worship would trigger me (since he was a music minister).  Even my favorite worship song was too triggering for me!  His voice would continue to play in my head.  But I've come a long ways since then.  I hardly hear his voice in my head, his face rarely comes to mind, and I'm able to listen to nearly all the worship songs that were triggering before now.  I've also come to forgive him (and his wife) for how I was treated.  Nick had a hard time forgiving them too, maybe even a more difficult time than for me.  He hated them, but now he pities them.

Things have gotten better between my dad and me since then, and I think it's because I realized I needed to see God as my Father.  I was able to see that "human" fathers are just as fallible as I am, so I could give more grace.  No person is perfect except for Jesus.  My dad even defended me when this minister publicly shamed me!

I've come a long ways since then, but I still have a lot to improve on.  No matter how alone I have felt in my struggles, I know I'm truly not alone.  So many people have abandoned me for a number of reasons, but I know Christ will never abandon me - even if everyone else were to.  While my abuser saw me as a mistake, Jesus NEVER sees me as a mistake.  Do I make mistakes?  Of course!  Everyone does!  But my very existence is not a mistake, just as your very existence is not a mistake.  We were created for a reason.  I'm still trying to find out mine, but I'm sure some day I will find out - in HIS timing though.  So I guess I need to just be patient (which is very difficult).

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