Thursday, May 18, 2017


How do you be thankful during a time of distress?

Last year when I went to AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta), I got to meet one of my heroes, Vic Mignogna.  He gave advice during a panel to think of what you're thankful for every day for five minutes.  This week I decided to finally try it.  No matter how down I may feel, I try to take some time to think about what I'm thankful for, for a few minutes.  I think about all the people who support me, especially my husband and my family.  I think about how thankful I am to have pets (one lives with my parents), they're like the babies I'll never be able to have.  I'm thankful to have a merciful God, because as hard as life may seem, it could always be a hell of a lot worse.  I'm thankful for the apartment I live in.  I'm thankful to have food I can eat.  I'm thankful for clean water.  Last night I had a very terrifying dream, and when I woke up I thanked God that it wasn't real; it was just a dream.  As much as I want to escape my life, I'm thankful at the same time that I am still alive.  I know that may sound weird coming from someone who's always suicidal.  It's hard to explain.  I mean, I should be dead after having three suicide attempts, but God saved me from them for a reason.  What that reason is I have no idea.

I'm the most pessimist person out there; it's really difficult for me to think positively because I ALWAYS focus on the negative.  This week though, when I've taken a few minutes during the day to think of what I'm thankful for, it has really helped!  I'm not focusing so much on the negatives in my life.  I'm even more determined to get healthier mentally and physically.  I guess health starts in the mind.  If someone like me can find things to be thankful for, you can too!

Thanks Vic for the advice last year!  It's really been helping me!  I hope you'll be back this year!

Tuesday, May 16, 2017


What does it mean to have compassion, and what does God's compassion look like?

I've been going through a Bible Study called "The Compassionate Heart of Jesus" on the YouVersion app (when you download it the icon says "Bible").  I've been very suicidal as I'm sure you know, and I've been really fighting the urge to hurt myself.  Sometimes I wonder just how much fight I've got left until I'm pushed off the edge and can't recover from it.  I'm so broken.  I'm the broken toy no one wants to play with anymore.  I seem to be irreparable.  But there was something I read yesterday in my study:

As Jesus and the disciples left the town of Jericho, a large crowd followed behind.  Two blind men were sitting beside the road.  When they heard that Jesus was coming that way, they began shouting, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
"Be quiet!" the crowd yelled at them.
But they only shouted louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
When Jesus heard them, he stopped and called, "What do you want me to do for you?"
"Lord," they said, "we want to see!"  Jesus felt sorry for them and touched their eyes.  Instantly they could see!  Then they followed him.

- Matthew 20:29-34

What does this tell us about Jesus?  In other translations it says he had "compassion for them" (I just use the NLT - New Living Translation mostly because it's easier for me to understand).  There are other places where it says he had compassion.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were helpless and harassed, like sheep without a shepherd."  - Matthew 9:36

And when he drew near and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace!  But now they are hidden from your eyes."  - Luke 19:41-42

Jesus had (and still has) compassion for the hurting, the sick, the weak, the defenseless, and yes, even those who hurt others.  It got me thinking, if Jesus were here, would he have compassion for me?  I'm so sick (mentally), and my symptoms seem to keep getting worse (we are trying to work on my medication).  Would he have mercy on someone like me?  I talked to my husband about this last night and he said if Jesus were here, he'd just listen, knowing it'd probably be hard for me to trust him because I strongly distrust men.  Then when I'd start to trust him, he'd hold me, reaffirming me of who I am in him and how he sees me.  Maybe he'd heal me, maybe not, but even if he didn't, it would be for my good.  How that would be good I don't know, maybe my mental illnesses are just my thorns in the flesh or something.

There was an event yesterday, where someone I knew attacked one of my family's friends who's been very sick, and while we pray for a miracle, it may not happen (but we still pray and hope!).  This greatly angered me, and it did with a lot of other people too.  This guy has hurt me pretty badly in the past as well - to the point where I became suicidal because he tried to convince me that my dad AND my husband are heretics!  But I didn't let my anger out (though I really wanted to).  Instead, I took pity that he would actually think he's spreading God's light in these attacks, but doesn't realize he's actually spreading darkness instead.  He's more of a legalistic Pharisee than a compassionate follower of Christ.  As those who follow Christ, we are to be a reflection of him.  We won't be perfect reflections, but if Jesus was compassionate, and we are to reflect him, doesn't that mean we should be compassionate too?  Jesus showed us compassion by carrying our sins on his shoulders on the cross, how can we not show compassion to others?

Jesus has compassion for everyone.  I mean think about it, those who hurt others, what could they have gone through to make them do such things?  With this being said, for me, no matter how angry I might feel (there's nothing wrong with FEELING angry, even Jesus got angry!), I will have compassion even for those who hurt others.

So what does that mean for me now?  Well, I can't help if I feel suicidal, but what I can do is not give into it.  I've promised people that I'm not even going to consider it as an option, and I meant it and still do mean it.  I need to ask God for strength to get through this difficult time in my life.  Only He can truly save me from myself.  He gave me life for a reason.  He kept me away from death for a reason.  What that reason is I still have not figured it out, but if I'm still here, there's still a reason for me to be here.  If God has me here for a reason, then I can't try to end the story before the Author has given it an ending.  That day will come one day, but it's not my decision as to when or even how.  So I need to keep pressing forward, and keep enduring until that day comes.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

It's Not Funny

So for a while now I've seen several people making fun of 13 Reasons Why.  Stuff like:

Hannah: Can I use your pencil?
Person: No
Hannah: Welcome to your tape

This is NOT funny and I'm going to explain why.

Suicide is a VERY serious matter, being third leading cause of death from 13-25 year olds.  As someone who is often very suicidal (and have attempted three times and almost several others), this is a real struggle.  Every day it's on my mind and I have to fight it.  There are those who know people who have committed suicide as well, and they have to live daily wondering if they could've done anything to stop them, or even if it's their fault for them killing themselves.  It is something they never recover from.  So to joke around something so devastating is not funny.

Psychiatrists have all been saying 13 Reasons Why is going to cause more problems than good.  The goal for the series was to prevent suicides, but it can actually have to opposite effect because of the final episode where you see her kill herself.  I know it did that for me.  I am slowly recovering from that (it made my PTSD skyrocket).  To joke about this is not funny.

I think people who make these sort of jokes don't understand suicide - what goes on in the mind of someone who's suicidal, or what those who have lost someone to suicide have to go through.  My husband watched most of 13 Reasons Why with me, except for the last episode because he had his podcast he was doing, so I watched it by myself - something I regret doing.  I had no idea they were going to show her do it, and if I had, I never would've watched it.  Sometimes I wish my husband watched it with me so he'd understand how that's been affecting me, but at the same time, I know it'd be really bad for him to see it since he's caught me with two suicide attempts.  I wouldn't recommend my parents watching it either because they found me eight hours after my first attempt.  I have friends who have lost people to suicide and I tell them not to watch it too because I know it would be too painful for them to watch it.  People who struggle with suicide I tell them not to watch it, because it can trigger something in them to actually go through with it.

Making jokes about the show is really making jokes of those who struggle with suicide.  If they think people are making their suffering a joke can cause them to go through with it just as much as someone who would've watched that episode.  It's not something to joke about.  It's not funny.  Try to understand what a person goes through that leads them to that point.  Try to understand what they're going through.  It has to be really bad if they are thinking about killing themselves.  Talk to people who have lost someone to suicide.  Try to understand what they're going through.  It's something they live with for the rest of their lives.  As for me, I will probably struggle with feeling suicidal for the rest of my life.  I just have to determine that it's not an option no matter how I feel.  But not everyone is at that point, and for all I know, it can get to the point one of these days where I just can't fight it anymore.  But I have people who support me so they can give me the strength to keep fighting.  God is also on my side, so He gives me strength as well.  But not everyone has that support.  Not everyone has that hope and feel like suicide is the only way that will end their unbearable pain.  To even consider suicide means they are going through extreme suffering.  They can be really struggling and you wouldn't even know it.  It often comes as a shock to those who find out someone they knew or cared about tried to commit suicide.  Two of my brother's friends committed suicide, and one of them I knew very well.  Suicide is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly.

So please, don't make jokes about 13 Reasons Why, it can really hurt people like me when you do so. It hurts when it seems like people are making fun of my struggles.  You wouldn't make fun of someone with cancer.  So why make fun of someone with mental health illnesses - to the point where they try and even succeed taking their own lives?  Please stop making the jokes, it hurts and is not funny.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Awaken Me

A lot of things have been happening lately (I know I probably say that in a lot of my blogs - though I don't typically blog every day so that may be why, lol).  I've been really working on bettering myself. I'm exercising and trying to eat healthier food.  I've tried broccoli in pasta, my husband and I both tried watermelon, and I've got Ezekiel Bread.  I also tried coconut milk.  I haven't really started liking anything healthy yet, but some things have been tolerable.  Anyway, as you may have seen in my latest entries, I've decided suicide isn't an option anymore.  Do I still feel suicidal?  Yes, but I've made a choice to not give into it.  Why just yesterday I felt like hurting myself, but I chose not to.  Instead, I decided to clean the kitchen (which honestly REALLY needed to get cleaned).  I cleaned while listening to some worship songs.  Since I was home alone, I was able to sing along with them (I'm very self-conscious in case you haven't figured that out yet, lol).  There are things though that seem to be trying to prevent me from getting better though.  It's as if some force is trying to pull me back.  But I'm not giving up.  I'm going to fight for my life and if I die, I die trying.  I've been getting into my Bible more too (I use an app called YouVersion and you can check out different Bible Studies/Devotionals).

Last night I had a dream, and I woke up nearly in tears.  I don't really know where it came from, maybe it's from the studies I've been doing, or maybe even because I recently saw the Case for Christ movie, but it really moved me.  In my dream, how do I put this....I saw the crucifixion of Jesus.  I saw him be flogged, drag his cross up Golgotha, and be crucified.  It wasn't in complete details, it was like, a compilation of photos flashing across a screen.  Very strange, but very moving at the same time.  Again, I don't know where this dream came from.  All I know is when I woke up, I really felt the love of God.  It seems like whenever I have a dream about Jesus, I always wake up nearly in tears.  These dreams don't happen often, I usually have really horrific dreams.  In some ways, this one was pretty horrific too.  To watch someone be tortured and brutally murdered is no easy feat.  Sometimes (for me anyway) it's okay to watch it in a movie because I know it's fake (if it's based on a true story that's completely different).  But watching someone actually go through it is hard to stomach.  Even though the dream was more like snapshots, it was real for me.  I prayed for like an hour, and I couldn't get back to sleep so I just got up and decided to blog about it.

When I have dreams about God (like I said, they're very rare for me), I hold them very close to my heart.  Sometimes I wonder if God gave me those dreams.  It's not something I go around bragging about; I actually don't talk about them very often.  They're very personal to me.  This blog isn't really about those dreams though.  It's more about what Jesus went through for us.

When the Romans would flog someone, sometimes they'd die right there.  It was brutal.  They would whip someone exposing organs, and I'm sure arteries as well.  People would lose A LOT of blood.  Jesus was no exception to this.  If you want to read more on this, go here.  After Jesus was flogged, he had to carry his cross up a mountain (Golgotha - place of the skull).  As if he wasn't weak already, they forced him to carry his own cross.  He was so weak, that someone had to help him carry his cross up Golgotha.  The cross was somewhere between 75-300 lbs.  Imagine trying to carry that, and on top of that having severe puncture wounds.  I can barely even lift 15 lbs dumbbells!

But many were amazed when they saw him.  His face was so disfigured he seemed hardly human, and from his appearance, one would scarcely know he was a man.

- Isaiah 52:14

Once Jesus got up Golgotha, they crucified him.  We get the term "excruciating" from crucifixion because it was so painful.  They hammered nails into his wrists and feet.  The nails were made of iron and 7-9 inches long.  In order to breathe, you'd have to pull yourself up using your arms to inhale, and then back down with your feet to exhale.  Fluids would fill your lungs, slowly suffocating you.  Now imagine doing this for hours.  After Jesus died, a soldier stuck a spear in his side, and water and blood came out.  This shows that fluid had filled his lungs.

You may be thinking, "If he were God, he could've gotten down from the cross on his own!  He could've prevented the whole thing from happening!"  Yes, he could have, but he chose not to.  You know why?  Love.  Love kept him on the cross.  He could've just said, "I'm done with this people!  They don't deserve to be saved!"  If he did do that, he'd be completely justified in doing so.  If he really wanted to give up on us, he could've and who could blame him?  Our society is slowly destroying itself!  We're adulterers, we're murderers, we're thieves, we're liars, we don't deserve love.  But he gives it to us anyway.  He says "YOU are worth saving."  Instead of damning us forever for our screw ups, we can be saved!  Since he died and three days later resurrected, he defeated death!

Oh death, where is your victory?  Oh death, where is your sting?

- 1 Corinthians 15:55

He reaches out to you, giving you the gift of himself.  He was tortured for you, killed for you, and resurrected for you.  He defeated death for you.  It's your choice whether to accept that gift or not.  It's for all people.  It's for all the people who know they don't have everything together.  It's for those who are broken in spirit.  He gives this gift to everyone, he doesn't keep it from anyone.  It doesn't matter what terrible deed you've done, he still gives it to you.  It's not like he HAS to give it away, he CHOOSES to give it away.  You just have to accept the gift.  I'm not going to tell you all your problems will go away - I'd be lying.  Dare I even say your life may be even more difficult than it was before?  But let me tell you this, it's completely worth it!  Our pain in this life may seem like forever, but compared to being with Christ forever, our pain here is but for a minute.

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

- Psalm 30:5

It's your choice.  He won't force you, he gave you free will for a reason after all.

"I'll do it when I feel better."  There's no time for that!  We are but a breath away!  We don't control when we live nor when we die.  If you wait, it may be too late.  If you die before accepting his gift, you won't be able to accept it.  You will never know the love of God.  Please, accept this wonderful gift from him, you won't regret it.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Case for Christ

My husband and I watched "The Case for Christ" movie last night and it was very good, my husband even said it was the best Christian movie he's ever seen!  So what was the movie about?

It's based on the book under the same title as the movie.  You follow the story of Lee Strobel, an author and writer for the Chicago Tribune.  He finds out his wife Leslie became a Christian, and Lee doesn't understand why.  They were Atheists and prided on following reason.  Lee decides to go out and prove Christianity wrong so he could have "his wife back."

I recommend people watch this movie, including those who believe you can't have reason and be a follower of Christ at the same time.  Lee was a skeptic and had many of the same skepticism as many other people.  Was there a mass hallucination when people thought they had seen Jesus resurrected?  Perhaps Jesus didn't actually die.  If you have skepticism of whether Christianity is true or not, I recommend this movie (I haven't actually read the book, I might read it some time).  The book is a major best-seller so I'm sure it's good.  I've actually met Lee before, great guy!  Anyway, I don't want to give out too much detail about the movie and spoil it.  I know for myself, the questions he had I've had before in my life too.  I know there are probably a lot of people who don't want to see it because they think it's just Christian propaganda.  I'm here to tell you that's not the case.  It's also not a movie where you feel like you're being preached to.  I know for myself, I don't like movies where it feels like I'm being preached to.  I know that may sound odd to hear, but seriously, who wants to be preached to?  "What's the difference between being preached to and hearing a sermon at a church?  Isn't that the same thing?"  No, it's not, but that's a whole other topic.

In the movie, Lee interviews a lot of experts, including theologians, historians, psychiatrists, and even medical doctors, all of whom are very well known in their fields (in other words, he didn't just interview random people in the fields, he sought after major experts).  If you are a skeptic, I highly recommend this movie - not to convince you of my beliefs, but to see for yourself what the evidence is.  If you choose not to believe Christianity, I'm not going to force it on you.  That's not what Christianity is about - to force one belief over the other.  Do I believe Christianity is true?  Yes.  Do I want others to become believers?  Of course!  But again, I'm not going to force it on you.  You have to come to that conclusion on your own.  I'm still going to love you regardless.  So don't look at the title of the movie/book thinking it's just propaganda.  It's really not.  It tackles real questions people have.  Real issues people have with Christianity.  So if you believe you're a person of reason, go see this movie.  After all, what have you got to lose?  If Christianity is false, you've got nothing to lose right?  So check it out :)