Alone

I feel so alone......it feels unbearable......every time I bear my heart to someone, bad things happen......terrible things happen that break me into millions of pieces and kills me.  No one can handle my heavy heart......not one person can carry it with me.......I fight for people......I fight for them in their struggles......I go into battle for them when the enemy attacks them.......but who will go into battle for me when my demons attack me?  Who will fight for me on my behalf?  I have to fight the enemy alone......I have to face the world alone......

No......I don’t fight alone.  The saints fight for me on my behalf.  The angels fight for me on my behalf.  The Theotokos fights for me on my behalf.  Christ fights for me on my behalf.  Even though I can’t bear my heart to anyone in this world in this life, even though my heavy, fragile, glass heart is too much for everyone here, it’s not too much for those in heaven.

I often feel I’m cursed for having this bleeding heart of mine.  Perhaps it’s not a curse though.  I have a big, tender heart.  Though it’s fragile, it also endures.  It desires to help those who often cannot help themselves.  Those who the enemy targets to try to steal, kill, and destroy.  I cannot rescue people the same way God can, but I do take on others burdens.  I go into prayer and I fight for them on their behalf, never expecting anything in return.  That’s just how I am.  I won’t rely on other people to help me carry my heavy, fragile heart anymore though.  I will rely on those in heaven to help me carry it.  I will rely on Christ to help me continue to endure my endless pains.

Little Girl

Every time it seems my heart starts to heal, it gets crushed again.  My heart breaks so much, I have not felt such intense pain in a couple months.  I have never cried so intensely.  Life is cruel to me, giving me hope one moment then taking it away the next.  Giving me a reason to keep going then destroying me.  That scared little girl who is always with me, just wanting to be loved and feel safe.  She doesn’t know how to grow up because she’s stuck from the ghosts that abused her.  That little girl wanted to grow up and help people.  She wanted to save the world.  Yet she cannot even save herself. Arms scarred up, body bruised, matted hair, tears rolling down her face.  She beats her head and her breasts, Rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor, wailing like a banshee in pain, and wondering what happened to her life?  What happened to her dreams?  Voices telling her to off herself, she’s begging God, “please God just put me out of misery!”  She lays on the floor breathing heavily and spastically.  She can’t catch her breath.  Her heart beats so fast, as if it’s about to jump out of her body.  Her chest hurts like something broke, something she held dear.  She lays there unsure if she can even get up to vomit or if she’s going to end up laying in her vomit.  Continues to beg God, “please make it stop!”  Her heart bleeds, and she wonders, “why did God give me this cursed heart?”  All she wanted was to feel loved and safe, was that so much to ask for?  Then a voice tells her, “love is a lie, a fantasy, a delusion.  There’s no such thing!”  That scared little girl, out of breath, feeling defeated, empty, alone, and dying, turns to the voice and says, “away from me Satan!”  That little girl tries to pick herself up from the floor, and in her tears and battered body cries out, “God, even if no one in this world can love me, even if I can never feel safe with anyone again, I know you love me and will protect me; even when I cannot protect myself.”  For a moment, that little girl became a brave woman.  Though the brave woman doesn’t come out often, buried, she is in there somewhere.......