Thursday, May 18, 2017


How do you be thankful during a time of distress?

Last year when I went to AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta), I got to meet one of my heroes, Vic Mignogna.  He gave advice during a panel to think of what you're thankful for every day for five minutes.  This week I decided to finally try it.  No matter how down I may feel, I try to take some time to think about what I'm thankful for, for a few minutes.  I think about all the people who support me, especially my husband and my family.  I think about how thankful I am to have pets (one lives with my parents), they're like the babies I'll never be able to have.  I'm thankful to have a merciful God, because as hard as life may seem, it could always be a hell of a lot worse.  I'm thankful for the apartment I live in.  I'm thankful to have food I can eat.  I'm thankful for clean water.  Last night I had a very terrifying dream, and when I woke up I thanked God that it wasn't real; it was just a dream.  As much as I want to escape my life, I'm thankful at the same time that I am still alive.  I know that may sound weird coming from someone who's always suicidal.  It's hard to explain.  I mean, I should be dead after having three suicide attempts, but God saved me from them for a reason.  What that reason is I have no idea.

I'm the most pessimist person out there; it's really difficult for me to think positively because I ALWAYS focus on the negative.  This week though, when I've taken a few minutes during the day to think of what I'm thankful for, it has really helped!  I'm not focusing so much on the negatives in my life.  I'm even more determined to get healthier mentally and physically.  I guess health starts in the mind.  If someone like me can find things to be thankful for, you can too!

Thanks Vic for the advice last year!  It's really been helping me!  I hope you'll be back this year!

Tuesday, May 16, 2017


What does it mean to have compassion, and what does God's compassion look like?

I've been going through a Bible Study called "The Compassionate Heart of Jesus" on the YouVersion app (when you download it the icon says "Bible").  I've been very suicidal as I'm sure you know, and I've been really fighting the urge to hurt myself.  Sometimes I wonder just how much fight I've got left until I'm pushed off the edge and can't recover from it.  I'm so broken.  I'm the broken toy no one wants to play with anymore.  I seem to be irreparable.  But there was something I read yesterday in my study:

As Jesus and the disciples left the town of Jericho, a large crowd followed behind.  Two blind men were sitting beside the road.  When they heard that Jesus was coming that way, they began shouting, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
"Be quiet!" the crowd yelled at them.
But they only shouted louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
When Jesus heard them, he stopped and called, "What do you want me to do for you?"
"Lord," they said, "we want to see!"  Jesus felt sorry for them and touched their eyes.  Instantly they could see!  Then they followed him.

- Matthew 20:29-34

What does this tell us about Jesus?  In other translations it says he had "compassion for them" (I just use the NLT - New Living Translation mostly because it's easier for me to understand).  There are other places where it says he had compassion.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were helpless and harassed, like sheep without a shepherd."  - Matthew 9:36

And when he drew near and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace!  But now they are hidden from your eyes."  - Luke 19:41-42

Jesus had (and still has) compassion for the hurting, the sick, the weak, the defenseless, and yes, even those who hurt others.  It got me thinking, if Jesus were here, would he have compassion for me?  I'm so sick (mentally), and my symptoms seem to keep getting worse (we are trying to work on my medication).  Would he have mercy on someone like me?  I talked to my husband about this last night and he said if Jesus were here, he'd just listen, knowing it'd probably be hard for me to trust him because I strongly distrust men.  Then when I'd start to trust him, he'd hold me, reaffirming me of who I am in him and how he sees me.  Maybe he'd heal me, maybe not, but even if he didn't, it would be for my good.  How that would be good I don't know, maybe my mental illnesses are just my thorns in the flesh or something.

There was an event yesterday, where someone I knew attacked one of my family's friends who's been very sick, and while we pray for a miracle, it may not happen (but we still pray and hope!).  This greatly angered me, and it did with a lot of other people too.  This guy has hurt me pretty badly in the past as well - to the point where I became suicidal because he tried to convince me that my dad AND my husband are heretics!  But I didn't let my anger out (though I really wanted to).  Instead, I took pity that he would actually think he's spreading God's light in these attacks, but doesn't realize he's actually spreading darkness instead.  He's more of a legalistic Pharisee than a compassionate follower of Christ.  As those who follow Christ, we are to be a reflection of him.  We won't be perfect reflections, but if Jesus was compassionate, and we are to reflect him, doesn't that mean we should be compassionate too?  Jesus showed us compassion by carrying our sins on his shoulders on the cross, how can we not show compassion to others?

Jesus has compassion for everyone.  I mean think about it, those who hurt others, what could they have gone through to make them do such things?  With this being said, for me, no matter how angry I might feel (there's nothing wrong with FEELING angry, even Jesus got angry!), I will have compassion even for those who hurt others.

So what does that mean for me now?  Well, I can't help if I feel suicidal, but what I can do is not give into it.  I've promised people that I'm not even going to consider it as an option, and I meant it and still do mean it.  I need to ask God for strength to get through this difficult time in my life.  Only He can truly save me from myself.  He gave me life for a reason.  He kept me away from death for a reason.  What that reason is I still have not figured it out, but if I'm still here, there's still a reason for me to be here.  If God has me here for a reason, then I can't try to end the story before the Author has given it an ending.  That day will come one day, but it's not my decision as to when or even how.  So I need to keep pressing forward, and keep enduring until that day comes.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

It's Not Funny

So for a while now I've seen several people making fun of 13 Reasons Why.  Stuff like:

Hannah: Can I use your pencil?
Person: No
Hannah: Welcome to your tape

This is NOT funny and I'm going to explain why.

Suicide is a VERY serious matter, being third leading cause of death from 13-25 year olds.  As someone who is often very suicidal (and have attempted three times and almost several others), this is a real struggle.  Every day it's on my mind and I have to fight it.  There are those who know people who have committed suicide as well, and they have to live daily wondering if they could've done anything to stop them, or even if it's their fault for them killing themselves.  It is something they never recover from.  So to joke around something so devastating is not funny.

Psychiatrists have all been saying 13 Reasons Why is going to cause more problems than good.  The goal for the series was to prevent suicides, but it can actually have to opposite effect because of the final episode where you see her kill herself.  I know it did that for me.  I am slowly recovering from that (it made my PTSD skyrocket).  To joke about this is not funny.

I think people who make these sort of jokes don't understand suicide - what goes on in the mind of someone who's suicidal, or what those who have lost someone to suicide have to go through.  My husband watched most of 13 Reasons Why with me, except for the last episode because he had his podcast he was doing, so I watched it by myself - something I regret doing.  I had no idea they were going to show her do it, and if I had, I never would've watched it.  Sometimes I wish my husband watched it with me so he'd understand how that's been affecting me, but at the same time, I know it'd be really bad for him to see it since he's caught me with two suicide attempts.  I wouldn't recommend my parents watching it either because they found me eight hours after my first attempt.  I have friends who have lost people to suicide and I tell them not to watch it too because I know it would be too painful for them to watch it.  People who struggle with suicide I tell them not to watch it, because it can trigger something in them to actually go through with it.

Making jokes about the show is really making jokes of those who struggle with suicide.  If they think people are making their suffering a joke can cause them to go through with it just as much as someone who would've watched that episode.  It's not something to joke about.  It's not funny.  Try to understand what a person goes through that leads them to that point.  Try to understand what they're going through.  It has to be really bad if they are thinking about killing themselves.  Talk to people who have lost someone to suicide.  Try to understand what they're going through.  It's something they live with for the rest of their lives.  As for me, I will probably struggle with feeling suicidal for the rest of my life.  I just have to determine that it's not an option no matter how I feel.  But not everyone is at that point, and for all I know, it can get to the point one of these days where I just can't fight it anymore.  But I have people who support me so they can give me the strength to keep fighting.  God is also on my side, so He gives me strength as well.  But not everyone has that support.  Not everyone has that hope and feel like suicide is the only way that will end their unbearable pain.  To even consider suicide means they are going through extreme suffering.  They can be really struggling and you wouldn't even know it.  It often comes as a shock to those who find out someone they knew or cared about tried to commit suicide.  Two of my brother's friends committed suicide, and one of them I knew very well.  Suicide is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly.

So please, don't make jokes about 13 Reasons Why, it can really hurt people like me when you do so. It hurts when it seems like people are making fun of my struggles.  You wouldn't make fun of someone with cancer.  So why make fun of someone with mental health illnesses - to the point where they try and even succeed taking their own lives?  Please stop making the jokes, it hurts and is not funny.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Awaken Me

A lot of things have been happening lately (I know I probably say that in a lot of my blogs - though I don't typically blog every day so that may be why, lol).  I've been really working on bettering myself. I'm exercising and trying to eat healthier food.  I've tried broccoli in pasta, my husband and I both tried watermelon, and I've got Ezekiel Bread.  I also tried coconut milk.  I haven't really started liking anything healthy yet, but some things have been tolerable.  Anyway, as you may have seen in my latest entries, I've decided suicide isn't an option anymore.  Do I still feel suicidal?  Yes, but I've made a choice to not give into it.  Why just yesterday I felt like hurting myself, but I chose not to.  Instead, I decided to clean the kitchen (which honestly REALLY needed to get cleaned).  I cleaned while listening to some worship songs.  Since I was home alone, I was able to sing along with them (I'm very self-conscious in case you haven't figured that out yet, lol).  There are things though that seem to be trying to prevent me from getting better though.  It's as if some force is trying to pull me back.  But I'm not giving up.  I'm going to fight for my life and if I die, I die trying.  I've been getting into my Bible more too (I use an app called YouVersion and you can check out different Bible Studies/Devotionals).

Last night I had a dream, and I woke up nearly in tears.  I don't really know where it came from, maybe it's from the studies I've been doing, or maybe even because I recently saw the Case for Christ movie, but it really moved me.  In my dream, how do I put this....I saw the crucifixion of Jesus.  I saw him be flogged, drag his cross up Golgotha, and be crucified.  It wasn't in complete details, it was like, a compilation of photos flashing across a screen.  Very strange, but very moving at the same time.  Again, I don't know where this dream came from.  All I know is when I woke up, I really felt the love of God.  It seems like whenever I have a dream about Jesus, I always wake up nearly in tears.  These dreams don't happen often, I usually have really horrific dreams.  In some ways, this one was pretty horrific too.  To watch someone be tortured and brutally murdered is no easy feat.  Sometimes (for me anyway) it's okay to watch it in a movie because I know it's fake (if it's based on a true story that's completely different).  But watching someone actually go through it is hard to stomach.  Even though the dream was more like snapshots, it was real for me.  I prayed for like an hour, and I couldn't get back to sleep so I just got up and decided to blog about it.

When I have dreams about God (like I said, they're very rare for me), I hold them very close to my heart.  Sometimes I wonder if God gave me those dreams.  It's not something I go around bragging about; I actually don't talk about them very often.  They're very personal to me.  This blog isn't really about those dreams though.  It's more about what Jesus went through for us.

When the Romans would flog someone, sometimes they'd die right there.  It was brutal.  They would whip someone exposing organs, and I'm sure arteries as well.  People would lose A LOT of blood.  Jesus was no exception to this.  If you want to read more on this, go here.  After Jesus was flogged, he had to carry his cross up a mountain (Golgotha - place of the skull).  As if he wasn't weak already, they forced him to carry his own cross.  He was so weak, that someone had to help him carry his cross up Golgotha.  The cross was somewhere between 75-300 lbs.  Imagine trying to carry that, and on top of that having severe puncture wounds.  I can barely even lift 15 lbs dumbbells!

But many were amazed when they saw him.  His face was so disfigured he seemed hardly human, and from his appearance, one would scarcely know he was a man.

- Isaiah 52:14

Once Jesus got up Golgotha, they crucified him.  We get the term "excruciating" from crucifixion because it was so painful.  They hammered nails into his wrists and feet.  The nails were made of iron and 7-9 inches long.  In order to breathe, you'd have to pull yourself up using your arms to inhale, and then back down with your feet to exhale.  Fluids would fill your lungs, slowly suffocating you.  Now imagine doing this for hours.  After Jesus died, a soldier stuck a spear in his side, and water and blood came out.  This shows that fluid had filled his lungs.

You may be thinking, "If he were God, he could've gotten down from the cross on his own!  He could've prevented the whole thing from happening!"  Yes, he could have, but he chose not to.  You know why?  Love.  Love kept him on the cross.  He could've just said, "I'm done with this people!  They don't deserve to be saved!"  If he did do that, he'd be completely justified in doing so.  If he really wanted to give up on us, he could've and who could blame him?  Our society is slowly destroying itself!  We're adulterers, we're murderers, we're thieves, we're liars, we don't deserve love.  But he gives it to us anyway.  He says "YOU are worth saving."  Instead of damning us forever for our screw ups, we can be saved!  Since he died and three days later resurrected, he defeated death!

Oh death, where is your victory?  Oh death, where is your sting?

- 1 Corinthians 15:55

He reaches out to you, giving you the gift of himself.  He was tortured for you, killed for you, and resurrected for you.  He defeated death for you.  It's your choice whether to accept that gift or not.  It's for all people.  It's for all the people who know they don't have everything together.  It's for those who are broken in spirit.  He gives this gift to everyone, he doesn't keep it from anyone.  It doesn't matter what terrible deed you've done, he still gives it to you.  It's not like he HAS to give it away, he CHOOSES to give it away.  You just have to accept the gift.  I'm not going to tell you all your problems will go away - I'd be lying.  Dare I even say your life may be even more difficult than it was before?  But let me tell you this, it's completely worth it!  Our pain in this life may seem like forever, but compared to being with Christ forever, our pain here is but for a minute.

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

- Psalm 30:5

It's your choice.  He won't force you, he gave you free will for a reason after all.

"I'll do it when I feel better."  There's no time for that!  We are but a breath away!  We don't control when we live nor when we die.  If you wait, it may be too late.  If you die before accepting his gift, you won't be able to accept it.  You will never know the love of God.  Please, accept this wonderful gift from him, you won't regret it.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Case for Christ

My husband and I watched "The Case for Christ" movie last night and it was very good, my husband even said it was the best Christian movie he's ever seen!  So what was the movie about?

It's based on the book under the same title as the movie.  You follow the story of Lee Strobel, an author and writer for the Chicago Tribune.  He finds out his wife Leslie became a Christian, and Lee doesn't understand why.  They were Atheists and prided on following reason.  Lee decides to go out and prove Christianity wrong so he could have "his wife back."

I recommend people watch this movie, including those who believe you can't have reason and be a follower of Christ at the same time.  Lee was a skeptic and had many of the same skepticism as many other people.  Was there a mass hallucination when people thought they had seen Jesus resurrected?  Perhaps Jesus didn't actually die.  If you have skepticism of whether Christianity is true or not, I recommend this movie (I haven't actually read the book, I might read it some time).  The book is a major best-seller so I'm sure it's good.  I've actually met Lee before, great guy!  Anyway, I don't want to give out too much detail about the movie and spoil it.  I know for myself, the questions he had I've had before in my life too.  I know there are probably a lot of people who don't want to see it because they think it's just Christian propaganda.  I'm here to tell you that's not the case.  It's also not a movie where you feel like you're being preached to.  I know for myself, I don't like movies where it feels like I'm being preached to.  I know that may sound odd to hear, but seriously, who wants to be preached to?  "What's the difference between being preached to and hearing a sermon at a church?  Isn't that the same thing?"  No, it's not, but that's a whole other topic.

In the movie, Lee interviews a lot of experts, including theologians, historians, psychiatrists, and even medical doctors, all of whom are very well known in their fields (in other words, he didn't just interview random people in the fields, he sought after major experts).  If you are a skeptic, I highly recommend this movie - not to convince you of my beliefs, but to see for yourself what the evidence is.  If you choose not to believe Christianity, I'm not going to force it on you.  That's not what Christianity is about - to force one belief over the other.  Do I believe Christianity is true?  Yes.  Do I want others to become believers?  Of course!  But again, I'm not going to force it on you.  You have to come to that conclusion on your own.  I'm still going to love you regardless.  So don't look at the title of the movie/book thinking it's just propaganda.  It's really not.  It tackles real questions people have.  Real issues people have with Christianity.  So if you believe you're a person of reason, go see this movie.  After all, what have you got to lose?  If Christianity is false, you've got nothing to lose right?  So check it out :)

Saturday, April 29, 2017

To the Child I'll Never Have

Dear Child,

I think of you often.  I've dreamed of you ever since I was a little kid.  I lay at night in tears knowing I'll never get to meet you.  You're what I've always wanted, but could never have.  I have dreams of you.  Some nights I dream of carrying you.  Some nights I dream of giving birth to you.  Some nights I dream of your beautiful face, laughing, and playing, saying "I love you mommy!"  I know it's best this way though.  As much as it pains me to know I'll never get to meet you, I know it's best this way because I know you would hurt greatly.  You could inherit my Autism, and potentially be bullied most if not all of your life.  Society doesn't accept people like us, and growing up that way was very hard on me.  You could inherit my depression, something so crippling, and the possibility that you could have it worse than me makes my heart ache.  I got it worse than everyone else in my family, who's to say you won't get it worse than me?  You're life would constantly be in jeopardy to yourself.  If you hurt yourself, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.  You could inherit my schizophrenia.  The world would see you as mad and crazy.  The world would be merciless to you.  You wouldn't be able to tell what's real in life, and what isn't.  You would constantly be in fear.  This is no way for a child to live. I wouldn't even want my enemies to suffer what I suffer, so how could I let my own child suffer through them?

I've written letters to you in the past.  When there was a guy I thought I'd end up being married to, I would write letters to you telling you how your daddy and I met and how much we'd love you.  Now that I have married a good man, your daddy, now I know there's no chance of meeting you.  You deserve better than what I could ever give you.  I know that no parent is perfect, but you would be so humiliated with me being your mother.  When I flip out because of my paranoia or my hallucinations, you would be so humiliated.  Imagine if one day you have friends over, and I flip out, you would probably hate me and never forgive me.  Kids would make fun of you for having a "psychotic mother."  Your daddy and I struggle a lot with money.  I'd want to give you the best life you could have, not worry about if you'd have enough food to eat.  Your mommy can't work, and your daddy would have to make $30-35k a year AT LEAST in order for just the two of us to survive without your grandparents helping us.  How could you live a good life with us, when we could possibly become homeless?

All I've ever wanted was to meet you, and to take care of you.  I want to raise you to help those who can't help themselves, and I want to raise you in the ways of the Lord.  I want you to bring hope to those who have none left.  Even if the world can't see you as real, you're very real to me.  You've always been real to me.  There have been times I've tried to forget about you, knowing I can never have you.  But you always come back, and the pain gets worse every time, knowing you'll only be real in my dreams.  I've been told "You can be the aunt all the kids want to be around!"  But that's not enough for me.  I don't want just the good in having a child, I want the bad too!  I want to be there when you stumble.  I want to be there even when you say you hate me.  I want to be there even to change your diaper (which believe me, is no easy feat for your mommy and daddy)!  When someone breaks your heart, I want to be there for you.  When you are feeling hopeless, I want to be there for you and tell you, "I know what you're going through, I've been there, and there is hope at the end of the tunnel; no matter how bad things get."  I want to show you and the world that "through God, ALL things are possible."  It's possible for you to prove everyone wrong about you.  You don't have to conform to what everyone thinks or wants you to be.  You can be the beautiful man or woman God created you to be.  Despite all the odds, you can have true happiness and true peace.  Believe me, it's very difficult, and it's something I still have to learn myself.

I love you so much, the only person who loves you more than your mommy and daddy is Jesus.  Since I love you so much, I know I can't be selfish.  I can't just want you for myself.  I don't want you to suffer the way I've suffered, if not even more than I have suffered.  As Rocky Balboa once said, "It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently."  Though there is hope in Jesus Christ.  Through Him we can conquer the things that cripple us.  Your mommy and daddy would be there for you and support you all the way, but again, I can't be selfish knowing how much you'd suffer because of your mommy.

Your mommy will always love you, even if you only exist in my dreams....



Wednesday, April 26, 2017


I know, I'm using a lot of Skillet songs (I've always liked Skillet, but lately I've been really feeling these songs).

I've seen a lot of videos and posts on Facebook that Christianity is a 'dying" religion.  What they fail to realize is there are a lot of "Underground Christians."  Not all believers are outspoken about it.  Some sit on the sidelines.  Others are in areas where they can be arrested and even killed for their faith in Christ.  There are many underground churches that are thriving.  It seems like the places where Christians are truly being persecuted, Christianity is thriving.  Places like the US and in Europe, places that we're not really persecuted for our faith seems to be where there are more people leaving the faith.  I believe the reason is because they have a faith of infancy.  What I mean by this is they've never truly had to grow up in their faith.  They have a Sunday School faith.  They don't truly seek to know God for who He really is, they just go to church because that's just what they do.  They're expected to do that.  They don't stand up for what they believe.  If they're confronted about their faith they don't really know what they believe, therefore they don't know how to defend it.

Take Adam and Eve.  The serpent (Satan) was able to tempt Eve into eating the fruit because she thought God had said she couldn't even go near the fruit, when all He said was to not eat it.  She didn't understand what God had told her.  How could she not give into what the serpent said if her information was wrong?

Countries like China, or those in the Middle East, Christianity has been growing rapidly.  Why is this?  I believe it's because they really know what they believe in.  Their faith is so radical, so strong, that they are willing to be tortured and even killed for it.  In the US, we just worry that we'll look bad.  We worry that people won't like us.  We're worried of embarrassment.  People in the Middle East though, they are literally risking their lives for even having a Bible!  If we didn't have a Sunday School faith and truly knew what we believed in, willing to risk everything for it, we would be different!

When Christianity was in its infant stage (in other words, was just starting), believers were being persecuted.  They were losing their jobs, their families, their homes, and their very lives.  Christianity was outlawed.  The government, no, the world, tried to kill Christianity - but instead of killing it, it grew rapidly!  People were being thrown into the colosseum to be shredded by animals alive, people were being skinned and boiled alive, they were being crucified, they were literally being killed for their faith in Christ!  Instead of killing the faith though, it grew!  They knew exactly what they believed in and were willing to be tortured and killed for it.  Here in the US, we're afraid of inconvenience.  How pathetic we are!

It's time to RISE up!  Let's start a revolution!  Instead of sitting on the sidelines, let's get out there are show people the love of God and share the Good News!  Now I'm not talking about bullhorns and signs condemning people.  That's the OPPOSITE of what we should do!  Do you really think that is what will bring people to Christ?  I know exactly what they'll think, "If that's what Christians are like, I don't want anything to do with their God."  Trust me, I've seen this happen!  It greatly angers me when people who claim to be Christians do this!  We are not to be OF the world, but we are IN the world.  I once knew a person who said, "I'm just waiting for Jesus to come back.  My family and my kids are all saved so I'm just waiting for Jesus to come back."  Really?  What about all the other people in the world?  It's okay if your family is going to be with Jesus, but screw the rest of the world!  This ticks me off just as much as those who are constantly condemning people to hell.  We need to go to them in love.  Instead of going to a PRIDE parade yelling how they're all going to hell, tell them "Jesus loves you."  Some people feel unloved by everyone in the world, and to hear that there is someone who actually loves them can make a huge difference in their lives.

When Jesus walked the earth, do you know who he was the toughest on?  The religious people who were causing people to stray away.  The religious people who acted like they had everything together.  He called them vipers and whitewashed tombs!  The sinners though, the adulterers, the cheaters (like tax collectors), the sick (including the demon possessed), the beggars, the people who were despised, he was gentle to.  How much more gentle should we be to others?  This doesn't mean you support their every choice or lifestyle.  Many of my friends know where I stand on issues, and we are still friends because there is a mutual understanding that we love each other.

Stop sitting on the sidelines, and stop condemning the world.  Let's start a revolution of REAL love!  Not sexual love, but TRUE love!  Go to the world and share the Good News!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Not Gonna Die

This entry will probably be similar to the last one.  I'm trying to keep telling myself, as well as others who are struggling, that we can get through this!  NOTHING is worth killing yourself over.  Life cycles.  Whatever you're going through, even if it feels unbearable and like things can't get any worse, they will get better.  We go through difficult, brutal times in our lives, and then we have joyous times in our lives.  Things can always be worse than they are, but on the flip side things can always be better than they are.  Believe me, I've gone through both.  There's a deep darkness in me that very few people know about.  I don't think even they understand just how deep the darkness is in me.  It's a daily struggle to get past.  This darkness pulls me under and I can't breathe.  I'm drowning.  But I don't drown forever.  The Lifeguard rescues me just in time.  He doesn't always rescue me when I start drowning, but He does come when I'm just about to slip under.  I've also experienced great joy.  I married the love of my life.  A couple years ago after I had one of my suicide attempts, I realized just how much God loves me and it gave me great joy.  Sometimes, I forget just how much He loves me, and it puts me in a depression all over again.

With Christ's help, we can be overcomers!  We CANNOT let the enemy win!  Do not let suicide or self-harm even be an option - the enemy would love nothing more than to destroy you.  Endure!  I know it can seem impossible to endure our pain, but we can do it!  No matter how difficult it may be, I know for me it can be so difficult it is literally really hard for me to physically breathe (though some of that may be my weight too).  We can get through this, with God's help.  Let's fight for our lives together!

Monday, April 24, 2017

Feel Invincible

Some things have been going on lately I can't get into, but I will tell you this, I'm done running away from my problems.  I'm done cowering with my tail between my legs like a dog.  No matter the punches life seems to be throwing at me, I'm done letting them beat me to the point where it kills me. Well, I'm going to fight for my life, and if it kills me in the end at least I went down fighting.  I know I can't fight this on my own though, but I know I don't have to fight it alone.  Christ helps me when I fall down.  He pulls me back up to my feet.  He's not going to let me go down permanently, He's going to help me fight in this war.  I may lose some battles along the way, but I WILL NOT lose the war.  I am going to be taking even more of an effort in getting healthier physically and mentally.  I won't continue to let life cripple me.  It's time to put on my big girl panties (as my 69-year-old neighbor tells me)!  Every time I fall, I will get back up.  It's time to reclaim my life; It's time to reclaim my home!  With Christ on my side, I can't be defeated!

"....If God is for us, who can ever be against us?"  - Romans 8:31

Does Satan want to see me go down?  He wouldn't love anything more than to do that (well, other than try to take God's throne I guess would be an exception).  He wants Christ's followers to runaway from God.  He wants them to be crippled, to the point where it kills them.  He wants to DESTROY us!  But we can't let him win! We have to fight for our lives!  Christ already fights for our souls.  But He will help us fight for our lives too!

So no more, I will not be crippled anymore.  Considering suicide isn't even an option anymore.  I have to fight this!  If the Creator is fighting on my side, how could I possibly lose?  No, if I lose, it's because it was my choice to let life kill me.  So I have to keep dying to myself every day; die to my desires of escaping.  No more fleeing, I'm going to fight!  Instead of running away I'm going to rush into battle!

There was a shooting last year at a gay nightclub (I think?) in Florida, and they said when there was shooting, while people were running away, the cops were running INTO the action!  I'm not running away anymore, I'm going to run into the action and fight!  I always wanted to join the Army, but couldn't because of meds and now because of my brain injury and mental health issues (though I don't think I could handle boot camp at my weight now lol).  But this is even more important than joining the military (don't get me wrong, that's important too).  The fight for our souls is an even bigger war, and it's an invisible war.  We don't see our enemies (generally speaking anyway), but they certainly want to kill us.  The thing is, if we belong to Christ, they can't kill us, physically that is.  They may not be afraid of us, but they're afraid of the one who's on our side.  But they can kill us in other ways - if we let them.  On our own we CANNOT win.  We will lose on our own power.  But with Christ, we can conquer - we can win!  We are warriors, but which side are you on?  The enemy knows in the end they will lose, that's why they're so afraid of the One on our side!  So they want to do as much damage as possible before then.  Their destiny has already been decided.  They are destined to LOSE.  But those of us in Christ are destined to WIN!  Let's fight this war together, supporting each other, not tearing each other down.  We WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

War Over Me

I was listening to this song earlier this week and I completely feel this song.  This song is MY LIFE right now.  I've been severely suicidal for 5-6 weeks, and I definitely feel like there's a war inside me. One end wants to kill me, while the other end wants to help me live.  I'm caught in the middle of this war.  Sometimes one side is winning over the other side.  I know I can't kill myself though.  If I did, what kind of message would I be giving to those who are struggling?  People would be hurt if I killed myself, especially my husband.  I've been told he'd probably be in and out of the hospital constantly.  How could I do that to him?  No, I have to keep going, no matter how difficult it is.  Don't get me wrong, I don't claim my issues are worse than anyone else's.  My struggles are just that, MY struggles.  I'm open about them on here to give hope for those who have none, and understanding to those who don't understand struggles such as suicide, self-harm, or even depression.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through this, it really is going to be by God's grace and power if I make it through this, but I know He can do it.  I just have to believe He will help me through this.  We have a purpose in life.  I don't know what my purpose is yet.  Maybe it's to help people, I honestly don't know.  The things I used to think were my purpose are unachievable, so now I need new dreams and to find out what really IS my purpose.  As I'm typing this my cat Shiro is under the table like he usually is when I'm on the computer.  Even he has a purpose.  He's very therapeutic for me, and I hope I am the same for him since he's a rescue.  I don't know where I'd be without him, and I know if it weren't for my husband, I would be dead by now.

I have to fight for my life.  I can't allow the enemy to win.  He wins if I give in.  So I have to keep going, keep enduring, keep pressing forward, and keep relying on God to get me through this.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Little Flock

This verse has been on my mind since the beginning of the year, I'm not completely sure why, but it's just been on my mind a lot.

Luke 12:32

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

I'm a very fearful person.  I have really, really, severe anxiety and paranoia.  I'm pretty much afraid of EVERYTHING!  In the past, I tried to overcome these fears.  I used to watch horror movies and that seemed to help for a while.  But it was really just a band-aid.  I've had night terrors since I was a small child, and watching horror flicks didn't help with that.  Over the years they've been getting worse.  So a few people told me to stop watching horror flicks, so I did.  Now I'm scared of EVERYTHING again and the images I used to see in horror movies plague my thoughts at night.  I still have the night terrors too.

I'm scared to be in large crowds, I'm scared of sticking out (I just want to blend in), I'm paranoid that people are following me or people are talking about me.  I'm so afraid of so many things.  But you know how many times Scripture says to not be afraid?  It's over 9,000!  Just kidding (some people may not understand that joke).  It's really over 100 times!  I think God was trying to tell us to not be afraid.

Little flock....this part really resides for me.  I've been called a goat and I often wonder, "What if I really am a goat?"  If you don't understand the whole sheep/goat metaphor, it's this:  Jesus is the Great Shepherd.  People are either sheep or goats.  If we're sheep, then that means we follow Christ.  If we're goats though, that can mean we think we're sheep when we're really not.  Lately, I've been asking myself this even more than usually because I'm so confused about my life right now.  I found out recently that my schizophrenia did not come with my brain injury, but the brain injury turned the switch on.  I've had schizophrenia all my life without even realizing it.  They don't diagnose someone with schizophrenia until someone is as early as 18 or 19 years old because that's when most of the symptoms show up.  So now I'm wondering, "What all in my life has been real?  Did this happen or was I just paranoid?  Did that happen or was I hallucinating/hearing voices?  The big one for me, "Is my relationship with God based on a lie?"

When I was fourteen (well, nearly fourteen) I went on my first missions trip (Jeremiah Project).  I think we were in northern Virginia, but I honestly don't remember.  Anyway, I felt like I had heard God's voice the last night we were there.  He said, "I love you no matter what.  You've gone through a tough time, but I want to help.  Just believe."  I knew God existed, I was raised in a Christian home with parents in ministry.  But for a while, I hated God.  I thought He was just toying with me to be entertained.  But at the Jeremiah Project, I thought I heard Him talk to me.  I also read Psalm 139 before that night which helped a lot too (it's now my favorite verse).  All this convinced me that God really did love me.  But, what if He really didn't talk to me?  What if I was hearing a fake voice in my head?  I honestly don't know the answer to that.  It's really been tearing me apart.  I've talked to a few people about this, and they've said it doesn't really matter if He really talked to me or not (as important as that may be for me).  Did it influence my decision to follow Christ?  Yes.  But it's not the reason I follow Him.  What matters is that I know I'm screwed up on my own.  Without Christ I'm just dust and rotting eternally.  I'm a slave to the world and myself.  You may think, "The world isn't all that bad."  Uh, have you watched the news lately?  I hate to break it to you, but this world is rotting.  Our bodies are rotting.  It's only a matter of time before we die.  We are slaves to the world and to ourselves.  We're slaves to our screw ups.  We're in prisons, and some people are so comfortable in their prison cells that they don't even notice the door to the prison is open and can escape!  The door is open!  Walk out!

I know I am a screw up, but in my brokenness, Christ makes me whole.  We are all broken, living in a broken world.  But we can be healed, we can be put back together!  I'm not going to tell you it's easy, it's FAR from easy.  It's possible, but not in our own power.  The more we try to fix ourselves, the more broken we become.  Picture this:  There's a clay bowl being made.  The person making the clay bowl knows what they are doing.  Sometimes they have to take pieces off the bowl to make it look even more beautiful.  They shape it with their hands.  Then picture someone coming in trying to complete the bowl that doesn't even know what the artist wants to make it!  Is it going to turn out right?  Probably not.  We are the clay bowls.  God is our artist.  If we try to fix ourselves, we're going to ruin the finished product.  God knows what He's doing, and He's going to create us into something beautiful!  We've just got to let Him do His thing.  It's not easy, but we've got to let Him do His thing.

We're screw ups, we're broken.  If we're the clay bowl, we should just be thrown out!  But God sent His son Jesus, to save us!  We're broken in a million pieces, but He puts us back together.  We've just got to let Him instead of fight it.  I am a sheep, because I know what Christ did for me, and I trust Him that He'll take care of me somehow.  I follow Him, because He is my shepherd.  You may have seen me say this, but I picture myself as a little lamb that often gets itself into trouble.  I wander away from the rest of the flock and I wander away from the Shepherd.  I end up getting hurt though, and the wolves want to devour me.  But the Shepherd always comes to my rescue and fights off the wolves.  He heals my wounds, carries me on His shoulders, and takes me back into the pasture with Him and the rest of the flock.  Now that doesn't mean the injuries aren't going to never hurt anymore.  They still hurt.  My leg is still broken.  But in time, it'll heal.

We may not see relief until we join Christ in heaven.  We may always be broken.  But He helps us get through it.

Hebrews 13:5

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

He doesn't just sit up in the clouds watching us suffer.  He helps us through it.  He goes through life WITH us.  He's there when we fall.  When we fall He picks us back up.  When He calls us His little flock, it's an affectionate term.  We are His sheep He looks after.

Saturday, April 15, 2017


This might be a bit of a long entry.  I've got a lot I want to get out.

The last five-six weeks has been really tough for me.  I'm not going to get into all the details but it's been one of my most difficult times.  I'm highly stressed out, I have severe anxiety, and my meds aren't helping like they used to.  I went to my psychiatrist last week and told him and he refused to change my meds.  My PTSD has been so bad lately and it just continues to get worse and worse.  I usually have bad dreams (typically they're demonic), but now I'm having dreams of old memories.  Not only am I having flashbacks awake, I'm having them in my sleep now too!  Last week, I couldn't take it anymore.  I grabbed a glass I was going to break and slit my wrists with it.  My husband was in the kitchen with me and he didn't know what I was doing.  I really didn't want to do it, I don't want to leave my husband a widower, but I sometimes feel like there's no other option for me.  I feel like the world would be better off without me, and I just want to escape from everything.  It feels like I'm drowning and no matter how much I try to stay afloat, I can't.  No matter how much I scream for help, no one can hear or help me.  I'm too far out for lifeguards to reach me and there's too much turbulence in the water.  I feel like no matter how much I look for an exit, I can't find one.  When I was holding that glass, I said quietly, "Please, help me, get this glass away from me."  My husband heard and had to wrestle the glass out of my hands some.  He and my mom threatened to take me to the hospital or call 911 and I told them there wouldn't be enough time for 911 to come because if I'm forced to go to the hospital, I WILL KILL MYSELF.  They can't help me.  They've never been able to help me.  I just get really homesick.  Plus with my digestive issues, I wouldn't be able to eat, and not eating means I can't take my anti-psychotic, which means my schizophrenia gets worse, which means I'd be staying even longer.  Last time I went they didn't even change my meds!  I can't sleep now, it's even worse at the hospital for me because we can't close the door (so the light comes in) and I hear them talking in the hallway.  If I were to slit my wrists, it'd be painful yes, but I think it'd be a quick death.  On top of that, I heard they can't stitch that area, so I would bleed out quickly.  I'm not giving ANY ideas to people, because I do have an alternative I learned recently.  I tried it out this morning, and even though it didn't help completely, it helped more than I thought it would, but I'l be getting into that later.

Anyway, I've been trying to listen to Christian music and I've been doing a personal online Bible Study.  I started sometime last year and never got around to finishing, so I started where I had left off.  Even though I've been so stressed out that I even have a difficult time breathing (and I mean that in the literal sense), I've been trying to keep two things in my mind:  First, my husband.  Two years ago when he found me laying on the bed after overdosing on sleeping pills, it has scarred him for life I think.  He can't see an ambulance or a hospital the same way ever again.  If that caused him damage and I didn't die, how much worse could it be if he saw me dead?  On top of that, if I had slit my wrists, he would see me bled to death!  A violent death.  I can't do that to him.  He cries whenever I cut myself, can you imagine if saw me bleed to death?  I can't do that to him.  The other thing I've had on my mind is Jesus.  Why would I need to hurt myself, whether it's cutting or suicide, when he already did that for me?  The whole point of him being crucified was so I wouldn't have to!  I do have an out, it may not be the way I want out, and it may not be a complete out, but there is one person who does understand me: Jesus.  He understands my pain - he went through it himself.  People even thought he was suicidal (John 8:22 - The people asked, "Is he planning to commit suicide?  What does he mean 'You cannot come where I am going'?")

There's a song I really like I've been listening to called "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz.  I recommend the entire song, but I want to focus on the chorus:

Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest, at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe

I feel (I know I use that phrase A LOT) like there's nowhere else I can go.  It's either death, or Jesus at this point.  Either I kill myself and hurt people, or I fall at Jesus' feet and let him take care of me.  Last week I had called a Christian suicide hotline thinking maybe they could help me on the spiritual aspect, now I know next time to call the OFFICIAL suicide hotline; the one I called didn't help at all. The person I talked to clearly didn't understand what goes on in the mind of someone who's suicidal.  First when I told her I had tried to kill myself three times in the past, she accused me of BRAGGING about it.  Seriously?  Then she said I was selfish for even considering suicide.  Suicide is a selfish act, but when you're in that mindset, you DON'T tell someone who's suicidal that they're being selfish.  It makes things worse because in their mind, they are doing the world a favor.  Then she said God was going to heal me.  I told her, "That's not necessarily true.  Sometimes we don't get healed until we're in the next life.  Sometimes it's a struggle until the end."  The conversation was no help at all.  If you're feeling suicidal, PLEASE call the OFFICIAL suicide hotline:  1-800-273-8255

Anyway, if we go to Jesus, it doesn't mean our struggle will completely go away.  He never promised that.  Maybe Joel Osteen will promise something like that, but Jesus doesn't.  He promises our life is going to suck sometimes.  The difference is, we won't be alone - he's there with us.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

"I will give you rest."  Jesus is NOT saying he will completely take it away, but that we will find rest. In other words, he will help us through our struggles.  Sometimes he'll take some of our struggles away, but this is few and rare.  Usually, he helps us to get through life despite our struggles.

I'm not the type who says, "The devil made me do it" or "Satan is causing all my issues."  But, I do feel like he's attacking me.  It's one thing after another and he knows I'm close to falling off the edge and just end things permanently.  He would love nothing more than to see me take my life.  I can't let him win though, no matter how broken I may be. As I said before, my PTSD continues to get worse and worse.  More flashbacks, more memories, more old emotions I thought I had finally gotten past, and now my memories are appearing in my dreams too.  I can't seem to be able to escape them.  So I just need to fall at Jesus feet and breathe.  He will somehow take care of me.  I don't know how he's going to help me get through this, I just know somehow he will.

Do you struggle with cutting?  I learned a way to help with that from a therapist.  Get red food dye, and put it in warm water for a few minutes.  After that press the tip as hard as you can without breaking through the skin, and squeeze it where you want to cut.  For me this morning, it was all along my vein.  It looked and felt like real blood.  The only problem is when you clean it off.  I had a difficult time getting it off my arms.  I showered and scrubbed really hard and I don't know if I got it all off because my arms are red now.  I don't know if that's the food dye spread or if I just scrubbed too hard, lol.  It helped relieve some of my stress.  I feel a little less on edge.  I recommend doing this when you feel the need to cut.  Even if you're suicidal and thinking about slitting your wrists (which I pray you won't do), this can help (that's why I did it along my veins).  Also, please don't keep your pain to yourself.  Talk to someone about it.  Whether it's a friend, a family member, a pastor, or a therapist, talk to someone about it.  You are here for a reason, take it from someone who's learned it the hard way.  I've made three suicide attempts and almost two other ones.  I haven't died yet because God has me here for a reason.  What that reason is I don't know, but if I were expendable or no longer needed to be here (though God doesn't really NEED me), I'd be gone, whether by my own hands or another way.  You have a purpose here too or you'd already be gone.  DON'T take your life.  It will hurt a lot of people, they will forever question themselves.  "Why did they do that?  Why didn't I see the signs so I could help?  Did I cause them to do this?"  They will blame themselves even if they had nothing to do with it.  If you survive, you could have permanent damage done (like for me I have a brain injury and could later have kidney issues after having two massive overdoses).  I've heard stories with even worse permanent damage.  One person tried to get hit by a train and survived, but they lost their legs.  Another person put a shotgun in their mouth and shot themselves and now they have a deformed face.  If you survive, it could cause you even more problems than when you hadn't tried.  So breathe, and rest on Jesus.  Let him hold you while you cry on his shoulder.  You're going to get through this.  Even if it doesn't seem like it, you will.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Ghost in the Shell Movie

A couple days ago my husband and I got to see the new Ghost in the Shell movie featuring Scarlet Johansson.  It was VERY good!  I can't really compare it to the movie it's based on because I haven't seen it due to nudity, but from what I've heard about the original movie, comparing that to this one, it was pretty faithful.  Characters were spot-on.  Anyway, what I wanted to blog about was a particular quote that was key to the movie.

"It's not your past that defines you, but what you do is what defines you."  - Major Motoko

This is a very memorable quote, though, it's only half-right.  It's true, the past doesn't define you.  This is definitely something I struggle with.  But what you do doesn't define you either.  If it did, I'd be in big trouble.  I'm disabled because of my brain injury, and I can't really do anything.  I can't get a paying job, I can't sell my artwork which means whenever I finish my manga "Cross Feathers" I won't be able to publish it either except for being an online comic.  I can't make money while on disability or I will lose all my benefits including my health insurance.  I can't drive either because of my brain injury.  So I'm just left at home doing nothing.  My husband told me, "What about someone who's in a coma?  They can't do anything, is that what defines them?"

So what DOES define us?

Who we are in Christ.

We are children of God, that's what defines us.  What does it mean to be a child God?  It means you are no longer slaves to the world.  You are no longer held captive to the evil one.  You. Are. Free.  You might say, "How can I be free?  There are so many rules!"  Idk about rules honestly.  It's true, we are to follow God's commands, but Jesus also said this,

"You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  A second is equally important: love your neighbor as yourself.  The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."
- Matthew 22:37-40

Are the commands important?  Of course.  But they all come back to these two commandments.  Love God, and love others.

Think of it this way (though this may be a poor illustration).  Do you live in the US?  If so, do you follow the law?  Are you considered free in this country?  It's a free country, you can do whatever you want as long as you follow the law.  Being children of God is kinda the same, in a weird way.  There are commands we're to follow.  Are we going to follow them perfectly?  No.  But you are free if you follow the commands.

"Aren't the commands out-dated?"

Not all of them.  Some, sure, those would be the ones like don't eat unclean foods or mixing fabric.  These come from the Mosaic Law.  It's not that we pick and choose which ones we're going to follow and which one's we aren't.  Take the command about not eating unclean foods.  If you choose not to eat certain foods, that's your choice, it's not a necessity anymore.  But the reason we know this has changed is because God told the Apostle Peter, "Don't call what I've created unclean."  In the context of this, Peter has fallen asleep and since he was Jewish, he wouldn't eat what was considered "unclean" foods.  This doesn't mean "Oh they didn't wash their food."  It refers to what was considered unclean to be not pure.  So as much as you might love bacon, if you were Jewish you couldn't eat it.  Anyway, God told Peter in a dream, "Eat any of these animals."  They were all animals that was considered "unclean."  Peter said "I have never eaten anything the Jewish Law considers unclean."  If God didn't want His followers to eat certain foods, why would he turn around and tell him to go ahead and eat them?  This tells me that after Jesus came, the Jewish Law was no longer the requirement because honestly, none of us could follow that law perfectly, and that was the point.  God was showing us that without Him we can't be perfect.

So how are we identified as children of God?  By loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind; and loving others.  This is our identity - in Christ.

Saturday, April 1, 2017


I recently watched the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why" and I've got to tell you, it's very emotional.  It's about how a high school girl killed herself, and left behind tapes of the reasons why she killed herself.  As someone who has attempted three times, I really identified with her.  Obviously, there were some things I can't say "I know how that feels" completely.  Yes, I went through severe bullying growing up, and was even sexually abused.  But when I was being bullied, there wasn't really much of social media yet.  This girl was bullied at school and outside of school.  She was also raped.  I will tell you, this is an important series to watch, especially if you want to understand what it's like to be bullied, or sexually assaulted, or even feeling like ending things permanently.  If you have actually gone through rape or have lost someone to suicide though, you may not want to watch it because it does show it.  For me, I started to cry a bit during the last episode when the parents found their daughter bled to death in the bathtub.  It made me think, "Is that how my parents and my husband felt when they saw me when I made my attempts?"  Watching how the people who cared about her go through the loss was difficult.  It made me think, "If I were gone, especially by my own hands, would they be like this with me too?"  I don't want to give everything away to the series in case you do decide to watch it.  It's on Netflix and surprisingly, one of the co-producers is Selena Gomez.

Anyway, if you are feeling like you want to end things, and that there's no way out, I feel you, I really do.  Sometimes it feels like it's going on forever and it's slowly suffocating you.  You want out, you want to be rescued, but it seems like no matter how much you cry out that you're drowning, no one sees you.  I've been there, and to this day I still go through that often.  People don't get us.  But get this in your head, you are NOT alone!  There are people who care about you; they may not understand you, but they care about you.  People would be crushed if something happened to you.  If you are feeling like you want to end things for good, there are people you can talk to.  Trust me, nothing is worth losing your life over.  Your life is precious.  If you need to talk and you don't know anyone who could help, call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

Please, get help, I'm begging you, don't throw your life away.

Friday, March 31, 2017

The Face Beneath Your Skin

This blog entry is going to be about what it's like being a schizophrenic.  I tried to find a video with the lyrics to the song "Papercut" by Linkin Park on here but I couldn't find it except for the karaoke versions.  So here's a link if you want to see it:

So what is it like with schizophrenia?  For me, I didn't used to have it, and if I did, it was dormant for a long time.  The song "Papercut" really describes what it's like very well.

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but

Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin [x3]

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

The sun
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

A big thing with schizophrenia (for me at least) is paranoia.  When I have a psychotic meltdown, I get really paranoid, hallucinate, hear voices (meds have helped this not happen very much), and get delusional.  Before I was being treated for it and it was in it's beginning stages, I was paranoid that my mother-in-law was trying to poison me, and I thought the ground was going to swallow me.  The hallucinations were things like I thought I saw my cat in one room, when he was really in another room.  The voices didn't tell me to do stuff, it was mostly like I was listening in on a conversation between multiple voices having conversations.  Sometimes they would talk to me though.  Sometimes I'd wake up at night hearing someone screaming my name.  Other times when they'd talk to me, they'd say really horrible things about God - I hated that.  Delusions didn't really happen until much later.

Super Bowl Sunday I wasn't able to take my meds all day because I kept vomiting them up.  That night I flipped out.  I kept hallucinating the bedroom door violently opening and closing.  I was so freaked out, I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating or if something was really happening.  I grabbed part of our wall and refused to move.  I wouldn't let anyone come near me.  I was like an injured animal who wouldn't let anyone help me.  One of our neighbors came over who's a grandmother and knew some of my issues.  She tried to get close to me as I was in tears and I wouldn't let her come near me. Eventually, slowly, I let her come near me.  She helped me take my meds and then go to bed, she even tucked me in bed.

Another incident was a couple weeks ago.  I ended up vomiting my meds in the morning and couldn't try to take them until that evening.  That afternoon I could feel the effects of not having taken my anti-psychotic.  During my husband's podcast, I started getting paranoid.  I kept thinking I saw shadows moving.  Then the delusions came.  Yes, I have a problem with cutting, but this time was different.  This time I started thinking, "I need to cut to see if my blood is a normal color."  Luckily, I had enough sense to not follow through with it and realize it wasn't normal thinking.  I got so scared and I didn't want to interrupt my husband's interview, that I just sat on the couch covering my face in my hands so I wouldn't see the hallucinations anymore.  I was in tears because I was so scared.  At the time, my cat Shiro was in another room on top of his cat tree.  He must've known I was in a lot of distress.  I heard him jump down and he came up on the couch and laid right next to me.  At first I didn't know if it was really him with all my hallucinating and I didn't want to look to make sure.  When I've had hallucinations, I've had them from all the senses.  Usually they're visual, and when I hear voices they're auditorial.  When I had my first overdose in 2009 though, I had other ones too - all at the same time.  While I was in ICU I saw red ants crawling on the wall and ceiling.  They were so realistic that in corners they'd look like they were bunching up.  When I'd look up at the ceiling, they'd fall on me.  If my mouth was open, they tasted like paper.  As for hearing, I heard someone playing the flute in the hospital.  I guess the only one I didn't have really was smell.  Anyway, back to the recent attack.  For about an hour I sat there covering my face in tears.  When my husband finished his podcast, he saw me freaked out on the couch.  For another hour he tried to convince me to uncover my face.  He told me Shiro really was laying next to me too.  After I uncovered my face Shiro jumped down.  I took my meds that evening and I vomited them again.  The nights when I can't take my anti-psychotic are very long.  I'm paranoid, I hallucinate, and I'm so on edge that I can't sleep.  The hallucinations at night tend to be the scariest ones.  They look demonic to me and because of things I've experienced in the past, I don't always know if they're real or hallucinations.

Some hallucinations are so out there that I can tell they're not real.  Like one time last summer, I had a hallucination of a green pickel/hot dog floating towards me.  It was so weird I almost laughed and thought, "Great, I'm hallucinating food now."  A lot of times though I hallucinate shadows during the day.  Sometimes I hallucinate bugs (which is actually what they were when I first started hallucinating).  Sometimes I think I hear rain when it's really not.  I also hallucinate faces at night.  One night I saw something laying on top of my husband - it looked like a person, and they were staring at me.  Typically when I hallucinate, I look in a different direction, and when I look back in the direction where I saw something, it's gone. This isn't foolproof though.  There have been times when I looked back it was still there.

As for paranoia, I often feel like I'm being watched and followed.  If I hear weird sounds I panic.  A few days ago I was home alone and I thought I heard someone playing with the doorknob.  I didn't know if it was real or not but I was too scared to find out.  Another time when I was home alone I thought I heard my husband playing Pokemon GO outside.  I opened the door and there was no one there and the sound was gone.  That really scared me.  I always think people are talking about me.  I'm always paranoid about relationships.  If I'm having a conversation online for example.  I know it takes time for people to respond.  But I start panicking, "They haven't answered back yet, did I say something wrong?  Do they not like me?  What if they think this way about me?"  It's even worse with in-person relationships.  I'm always afraid I'm going to say or do something wrong.  I'm always afraid of what people think of me.  I have a hard time reading people because of my Asperger's, so I have to just go by what they say, but they're not always honest either.  I can tell you many stories where I relied on people being honest with me about stuff socially, and it came back that they weren't.  If I gave you all those stories I don't think this blog entry would ever end.  So because of those experiences, it makes me not trust people even more.  Lies are one of the things that affect me the most.  If someone lies to me, I can't trust they'll tell the truth, and I know it's like that with most people, but I think it's a little more affective for me than most people.  For most people, if someone lies, they just have a hard time trusting THAT person.  For me, if someone lies, I can't trust anyone.

That's about all I can think of right now.  I hope this blog has been helpful.

Monday, March 20, 2017

His Love is Deep

Lately I've been really needing to focus on how much God loves us.  A lot has been going on I can't get into right now and like I said in my previous entry, it's really taking a tole on me.  I just don't feel strong enough to handle all this, so I have to depend on Christ to give me the strength to endure it.  The song I've included in this entry is "Furious" by Jeremy Riddle.  We sang it at church yesterday and it's been stuck in my head all day yesterday and today.  I want you to focus on the chorus (the whole song is great though):

His love is deep, his love is wide, and it covers us
His love is fierce, his love is strong, it is furious
His love is sweet, his love is wild, and it's waking hearts to life

His love is deeper than the deepest trenches of the ocean.  His love is wider than space itself.  His love is fiercer than any sword, penetrating the hardest of hearts.  His love is so strong, it's unbreakable.  His love is sweeter than the sweetest aroma.  It's something we cannot wrap our minds around.  His love is constant, nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing can make Him love us less.  Let me repeat that:  Nothing can make Him love us less.

His love for us is so great, that He sacrificed His Son for us.  The punishment we deserve he took for us.  No matter what you, do, say, or think, HE LOVES YOU!

This verse has been really important to me this year:

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

Luke 12:32

I struggle with a lot of anxiety and paranoia.  But this verse tells me, "His love is so strong, that I don't have to be afraid.  He will protect me.  He wants me to be with Him."  It's the same for you.  He wants YOU; He wants to be with YOU!  Just let Him in.