Thursday, November 2, 2017

Easier to Run

It is always easier to runaway from our problems than to face them head on.  Facing our problems can be messy and challenging.  So what do we turn to?  We turn to worldly things so we can escape the darkness that engulfs us.  We turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, codependency, etc.  We try to drown out our problems.  Those things can help temporarily; but in the long run, they make things worse.  We're so desperate to escape we'll practically sell our souls to the world.  It's not easy facing our problems head on.

I have talked about my mental health issues and addictions in my blog, but yesterday, I found out I have another addiction.  I went to a sleep specialist yesterday and she said I'm too dependent on sleeping pills.  I asked if she meant I was addicted to them and she said yes.  This was a hard pill to swallow - literally.  I've been taking sleeping pills since the sixth grade, and I've always taken them as prescribed (except I did overdose on them once - it was a suicide attempt though).  So she is taking me off the sleeping pills (she thinks I have sleep apnea).

This was difficult for me to hear; I have two other addictions (self-harm and binge eating) I'm working on, plus codependency; now I have this?  It seems like no matter how much I try to get better, no matter how much I try to fight the darkness inside me, something else comes up that adds to the darkness.  I've been ready to throw in the towel and just give up.  What's the point in fighting anymore?  I have NO fight left!

I have no fight left....but you know who does?  Jesus.  I can't fight this on my own, but he can!  He can heal the wounds.  He can help me carry my burdens.  He can help me with my addictions. 

The LORD himself will fight for you.  Just stay calm.

Exodus 14:14

I'm not facing these problems alone.  He is with me and will fight for me when I have no fight left. I just need to depend on him.  Alone, I am weak.  But he is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).  In fact, the previous verse (2 Corinthians 12:9) says:

Each time he (God) said, "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness...."

In our weakness, he is strong.  He fights for us.

It's easier to run from our problems (notice I didn't say it was easy) than to face them head on.  When we face them though, we become stronger.  Believe me, I want to run!  I'm often tempted to take the easier path.  I don't know anyone who is a bigger coward than I am.  When it comes to fight vs flight mode, I am ALWAYS in flight mode.  Lately I haven't even been arguing to defend myself with any accusations because I frankly don't have the energy to fight them anymore.  I have to depend on Christ to help me get through this though.

We all have our weaknesses, but let's face them together!

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Being Silent

I'm very protective over my family and friends.  When someone goes after them, get out of the way because I'm a bull in a china shop!  I may not be very protective over myself, but I am to those I care about.

Recently, my husband and I have been watching a woman on YouTube.  She is CONSTANTLY saying how she's been having prophecy dreams of the rapture and "signs" (such as a song playing about flying away?).  She says she's not "setting dates," but then will set a date (like recently she said November 1-3 is when the "rapture" is supposed to happen).  I don't know why we watch her.  Anyway, her "predictions" are always wrong.  She even DEMANDS God to do stuff, which to my husband and me, is a very dangerous thing to do.

Anyway, my husband goes through her comments and will debate (he is a debater after all).  Without getting into too many details (because this has been going on since August), one thing led after another and she insulted him about being a terrible husband, is a Pharisee, and doesn't take care of the gifts he's been given - then blocked him.  When I heard this I was furious!  It didn't bother him at all, but to say such things about him greatly angers me.  I was like, "Who the heck does she think she is to say such things?!"  I was going to sleep on it and make a comment on her video, defending my husband's honor.  I did not sleep well (I never do, but it was worse than usual last night), but I prayed about it.  I wanted to go about it in love, but I was so angry I didn't know what to say.

Throughout the entire night, the verses that kept coming to mind was when Jesus was silent when the Pharisees question him.  He would not speak when they were throwing out false accusations.  He could've defended himself, but he chose to be silent.

Proverbs 11:12

He who despises his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding keeps silent.

Proverbs 10:19

When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.

As much as I want to defend my husband's honor, I get the feeling that I need to be silent in this situation.  I hate it when Christians attack other Christians.  First off, they shouldn't be attacking anyone - period.  Debating is different than attacking.  You can debate and be cordial at the same time.  But attacking is completely different, and I've seen it WAY too many times where other "believers" attack each other.  We are supposed to be united together!  We are the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27)!  How can an arm attack another arm?  How can a leg attack another leg?  This makes completely no sense to me.  On top of which, they PUBLICLY attack each other!  Disagreeing is one thing, but to attack someone is completely wrong!  It's unthinkable!  How can we show other people the love of Christ, when we can't even show it to each other?

I've had to learn to be silent though.  This doesn't mean I won't defend people - on the contrary!  I will defend those who cannot defend themselves!  But there is a time when it is wiser to be silent.  As much as I don't want to be silent, I know it's better for me to because what may come out of my mouth (or typing) could be really ugly and make matters worse.  I've been really working on holding my tongue, and though I do not do this perfectly, I think this is one of those times I need to be silent....

Monday, October 30, 2017

Here I am! Here I am!

I was looking through my Bible this morning and noticed something interesting in Isaiah.  It's a bit long though so I won't be including the entire thing (it's a couple chapters).  But I would like to point out some things.

In Isaiah 63, starting in verse 15, he asks God where he is.

LORD, look down from heaven; look from your holy, glorious home and see us.  Where is the passion and the might you used to show on our behalf?  Where are your mercy and compassion now?

19  Sometimes it seems as though we never belonged to you, as though we had never been known as your people.

Then chapter 65, God answers.  The first verse says

"I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.  I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.  I said 'Here I am, here I am!" to a nation that did not call on my name.

All day long I opened my arms to a rebellious people.  But they follow their own evil paths and their own crooked schemes."

Then he starts listing the evils they've been doing, such as "insulting me in my face by worshiping idols in their sacred gardens" and "at night they go out among the graves, worshiping the dead."

It got me wondering, "How many times have I wondered where God was, but didn't think about what could be the reason for him being silent.  Now don't get me wrong, sometimes the silence isn't because we did something wrong.

1 Kings 19:12

And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.  And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.

Sometimes in silence God shows up, other times he doesn't.  Like when I cut myself.  Afterwards, I often feel like God is further away from me.  I know he's not, but he feels that way.  What if the reason he feels far away is because I'm not looking for him to help me?  Here he is saying "Here I am, here I am!"  But I'm so consumed in my own darkness, that I fail to see he's right there wanting to help me, just waiting for me to ask him for help?

What about you in your own life?  Are you so consumed in the problems of the world, that you fail to see God is right there, just waiting for you to ask him for help?

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Trusting God

What does it mean to trust God?

Trust does not come easy for me typically, and once it's broken, it's going to take a REALLY long time to regain it.  I'm a very loyal person, and I will walk through fire for you; but if you betray me I won't forget it.  That is something I have to work on though.

Anyway, how do we trust God?  I mean, we can't see him, we can't hear him, we can't touch him; how can we trust someone who feels like he may not even exist at times?  This is something I've really struggled with myself, for a LONG time.  I've been really pondering it lately though.  So many times my first response is to run away, and if I can't do that I shake my fist, "Why are you doing this to me God?  Why are you doing this to he/she/them?"

With my depression and anxiety being so severe lately, I have felt very much alone.  I know I'm not alone; I mean, I have my husband, my family, my friends, and most of all God - yet I feel like no one can truly help me with these struggles.  I hate to admit this, but last week, I nearly attempted suicide - twice.  It's something I'm not proud of.  I really thought about it, and at one point I got things ready to do it.  Just before I was going to go through with it, I started to cry.  I thought about my husband - how would he respond if he saw me like that?  My parents who are away at the moment, how would they respond if they heard about it?  I just couldn't do it.

It's not easy, but I've been really trying to put my trust in Christ through all of this.  I pray, "God, this is all out of my control.  You know my pain and anguish, so I'm going to rely on you to take care of me.  I'm placing everything in your hands - including my life.  Only you can truly rescue me.  Whatever your will is through all of this, let your will be done.  I will put my trust in you (Psalm 31:14) because you are my God and you are in control."

This is not an easy prayer, but it is one out of desperation.  I have to keep relying on God every time I think about things, every time I cry, every time I feel empty or even apathetic.  He's going to do whatever he wants whether I like it or not, so I might as well let him right?  But I have to realize that whatever happens, it's for my good.  A verse my husband often tells me is Romans 8:28:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Whatever trials we are going through, we need to put our trust in God. He won't abandon us (Hebrews 13:5), and he will be there with us through them.  No matter how hopeless things may seem, he will work things for your good.   Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God; believe also in me." (John 14:1)

When Jesus was in the garden about to be arrested, he asked the Father, "Please, let this cup (God's wrath) pass from me!  But not my will, your will be done."  Jesus was about to go through the most painful thing a person could ever experience.  Betrayed, tortured, alone (including being separated from the Father), and ultimately died a brutal death.  He wasn't a masochist, he didn't WANT to experience such pain, but he wanted to do what the Father wanted him to do.  He trusted the Father to do what was good.  He was willing to sacrifice himself for the good of the world.

Your will be done....

Really think about it.  Do you trust God enough that you're willing to say, "Even if I don't like the outcome, I will trust you in all this.  It's what you want, not what I want."  Obviously, none of us are going to do this perfectly.  No one can 100% trust God, 100% of the time.  He gets that.  I know for myself though, this is something I am really working on.  What about you?  Can you trust him?

Saturday, October 28, 2017


Everyone faces a different battle than another person.  We really can't understand EXACTLY what another person is going through unless you've been in EXACTLY their shoes.  We can understand they're in pain, anxious, depressed, etc.  But to understand exactly what they're going through, we can't.  Everyone faces a different battle....

A lot has happened in the 27 years I've been around.  A lot of mental illnesses, abuse, three suicide attempts (and nearly several others), bullying, and addiction.  I've had to overcome a lot - and I still have a LONG ways to go to overcome other things.  Life is never easy for anyone.

Someone told me because I don't work I have it easy.  The grass is always greener on the other side, friends.  No one has an easy life.  We all have chains we can't seem to be able to break free from.  We can break through them though - but not on our own.  We don't have the strength to break the chains.  We need a Savior - someone who IS strong enough to break those chains! 

Lately my depression and anxiety have been very severe, and it feels like things aren't going to get better (but I know eventually they will).  I feel hopeless...and desperate to get out.  I've got to hang on to Jesus though, because if anyone can help get me through this, it's Him.  Any trial I have overcome, it's been because of Jesus. 

He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.  He will not reject their pleas.

Psalm 102:17

Often times we feel like we're alone in what we're facing - but we're not.  We have a God who understands what we've been through.  We have a God who loves us SO much, that he will never leave us as we are.  He frees us from our chains.  We have to hang onto Him.  He will help you overcome your trials.  We may not escape the trials, but he will help us through them.  A youth pastor once said we can't go around it, we can't go over it, we can't dig under it, and we can't just sit there.  We have to go through it, and Jesus will help us through it.  We can OVERCOME it!  Not by our own power, but by the grace of God!

We are all broken people, thankfully we have a God who understands our brokenness.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Faithfulness and Prayer

I feel like lately my blogs have been a bit depressing...I ALWAYS try to add hope in them though.  I've been extremely depressed for a while now, and I'm not sure when it'll let up.  I can't take anything for it because I have bad reactions to them.  So all I've really got is therapy - not saying therapy is bad.  But you know what?  I don't just have therapy....I've got a God who loves me more than I could ever imagine and he's not leaving me.  I've got people in my corner too.  While my depression often makes me feel alone, the fact is I'm not alone.  Even if today everyone left me, I still wouldn't be alone because Christ is with me no matter what.  While most things in life (or even life itself) is fleeting, he isn't - he's forever!  God is forever, and his love is forever!

Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgave them all.

You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds, O God our savior.  You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.

Psalm 65:3;5

We are imperfect people in an imperfect world.  Things are going to suck sometimes.  Sometimes it's going to be people who hurt us, and other times WE are the ones doing the hurting to others.  As someone who really struggles with grace (and bitterness), it can be difficult to forgive.  I always thought I forgave people easily, but recently I've realized that maybe I don't.  I always remember what someone has done to me (strange since I forget about A LOT of things), and it's difficult for me to trust a person to not do what they did to me again.  You know what though?  I have a hard time forgiving myself too.  In a previous blog I said that I have a pretty big burden in that I never forgive myself for anything.  That's a pretty heavy burden to carry for nearly 30 years.  I've definitely got to learn to not only forgive myself, but to extend grace towards others as well.  That's for another entry to discuss though.

The fact is, we don't deserve forgiveness.  We have rebelled against the God of the universe, we have spat in his face and walked away.  We have hated him when he has loved us.  We have told him "I don't need you!  I don't want you!"  Do we deserve his forgiveness for all that?  Nope.  But God is so awesome that he forgives us anyway.  He forgives us for all our rebellion.  He forgives us because he loves us so much.  Jesus paid the price for us so the Father can forgive us!

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

Romans 5:8

While we despised him, he loved us so much that he sent his Son to die for us - just so we can be with him.  Just so we can even talk to him!  Jesus took OUR punishment, so we can one day run into God's arms and hear him say "I love you."  We are like the Prodigal Son in that we rebelled against God; but when we finally return to him he holds us tightly, kissing us and telling us how much he loves us.  This is absolutely incredible!  Can you even imagine?  I know it's difficult for me to.

Then there's the second part of the top verses - verse five.  He faithfully answers our prayers.  I know many times it seems like he isn't listening.  You pour your heart out and yet you only hear silence.
Then there are times where we don't like his answers.  Sometimes we ask for something, and he doesn't give it to us.  When that happens, I think it's easier for us to think he wasn't listening than to think his answer to us was "no."  I've asked God so many times that there would be justice for me.  That all the people who have mistreated me, all the people who abandoned me in my time of need, all the abuse I've been through over the years, that there would be justice for me.  As far as I know, that hasn't happened yet.  This is hard for me, because God said that vengeance was his (Deuteronomy 32:35).  Psalm 103:6 says:

The LORD gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

Where is my justice?  Everyone got away with how they treated me!  But I hold onto the truth that he has seen my suffering, and he will give me justice one day.  I may not even see it when it happens, but it will happen.  Anyway, now I'm going on a tangent, lol.

He faithfully answers our prayers....

Sometimes his answers are what we want to hear, sometimes they're not.  But he ALWAYS answers them, and no matter how difficult things may be, he is there WITH you.  He will never leave you, even though sometimes it feels like he's really distant - or not even there at all.  Put your trust in him, that he is taking care of you through whatever it is you're going through.  If he can provide food for the animals in the wild, and the rain and sunshine for the plants to grow, how much more will he provide for his children - YOU?  He cares about you, no, he LOVES you!  Put your hope and trust in him.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017


I heard this song for the first time last night at Celebrate Recovery.  If you've been following my blog, you know I struggle with cutting (among other things).  There are two reasons why I cut.  First, to punish myself if I've done something wrong.  The other reason is when my emotions are too intense.  I've gone nearly two months without cutting, God willing it will be longer 😊

Anyway, I want to focus on the first reason.  I often feel like I have to punish myself.  Maybe you feel the same way.  Like that's the only way you're going to learn not to do it again.  You feel unworthy of grace, so you have to punish yourself.  If this is you, let me tell you this:  You don't have to punish yourself anymore!  You see, God sent his son Jesus to take our punishment for us.  This means we don't have to punish ourselves, because he took it for us!

Feel worthless?  You are PRICELESS!  God loves you SO MUCH!!  I wish I could tell you how much he loves you, but I can't because anything I say wouldn't be even close to just how much he loves you!  No matter what you've done, he loves you with a love that cannot be described.  You are his child!  A good parent would do anything for their child.  How much more will your Heavenly Father do for you - his child?

Trust me, I know what it's like to think God couldn't possibly love you.  I have thought that almost all of my life.  I mean, I knew he loved everyone, but I was the exception.  "I'm too messed up!  Look at everything I've done, there's no way he could want someone like me!"  Do you have similar thoughts?  Maybe you've been rejected a lot - especially by other Christians.  Maybe even your family rejected you.  "How could a holy God love me when I'm so unlovable?  If they rejected me, how could he not?"

He doesn't reject you though.  Even if the world rejects you, he NEVER will!  He made you not because he had to, but because he loves you so much that he wants you!  It doesn't matter what you've done.  It doesn't matter how much you hate yourself or anyone else hates you, he will ALWAYS love you.  You mean more to him than there are stars in the sky!

Someone once told me that even if everyone in the world was saved except for me, Jesus still would've died for me.  Y'all, he would do the same for you!  Really think about that.  If YOU were the only person who was not saved, he would still die for YOU!

You are so precious to him.  I think if we knew even just a little bit of how much he loves us, we would never be the same.  Our lives would be so radically different!  If God loves us 100%, we may know at the most .5% of how much he loves us.  I don't think we could handle knowing just how much he really loves us.  It's something we can't understand, something we can't comprehend. 

He loves you more than girls love diamonds!  You are more valuable to him than anything in the universe!  If there's anything you get out of my blogs, I hope it's that God loves you SOOOOOOOO much!!

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Come to my Rescue!

Some creative writing by me

I'm a noose around my neck squeezing the life right out of me.
I'm so tired of the hurt....I'm so tired of the pain....
Like I'm drowning in my tears....
I'm desperate to escape!
Where are you?

I've tried to be strong...but my strength is quickly wearing thin....
I put on a mask, "Oh yea, I'm doing just fine..." while inside I'm dying....
I'm so overwhelmed with pain and shame.....
I just want this to end!
Where are you?

God if you're there then come to my rescue!
I have no strength left to fight this!
Don't let the enemy destroy me!
Alone I am nothing, but with you by my side I know I can get through this!
With you by my side, I'm unstoppable!

If anyone can rescue me from myself, it is you!
Come to my rescue!
Pull me out of the sea of tears that drown me!
Cut the noose off that is suffocating me!
Hold me in your arms, protecting me from the enemy!

Don't turn your face away from my suffering!
Don't turn a deaf ear from my cries!
Don't forget your servant!
Come to my rescue!
Only you can save me!

You see my collect each and every one of them in a bottle....
You hear the moaning of my hear my cries for help.....
You wrap your arms around me let me cry on your chest....
You protect me from the enemy...even if I am the enemy to myself....
With you....I know I will be okay....

Anger and Silence

Don't sin by letting anger control you.  Think about it overnight and remain silent.

Psalm 4:4

When I was younger, I didn't have much of an anger problem (as far as I can remember anyway).  The older I've gotten though, I've gotten more angry and I will admit - more bitter.  I used to just keep my anger buried inside, but then as a teenager, I had a therapist tell me I couldn't just hold it all in (emotions in general).  That at some point I'm going to need to let them out.  So I started doing that - unfortunately that's when I started getting angrier and the anger got more uncontrollable.  I never thought I'd end up having anger problems - among other things I thought (or hoped) would never happen either.  Not only do I lash out at myself (when I feel like I have to punish myself - hence the cutting), I lash out at people who care about me....I keep people at a distance and if I fear they're getting too close, I push them away.  I don't allow people to get very close to me because bad things always happen - to them or to me.  There have been some instances where I've let people get close to me, and it always ended badly - though for some reason my husband is still here so I guess that's one person, lol 😆

Anyway, among my MANY struggles, I have anger issues too.  I've known it's been a problem for me for the past few years, but recently I've realized it's something I REALLY need to work on.  It's made me realize it's no wonder so many people leave me (though I still don't understand why they leave over politics - why can't we be friends with people who have opposing views?).  I'm either too much work to deal with (like WAY too much drama that follows me), or I end up pushing them away - sometimes that pushing away is through anger.  I have a swearing problem - my mouth is WORSE than a sailors, though I am working on it (and getting better at not swearing as much).  I'm very "rash" and vengeful....I've ripped photos and one time threw my wedding ring at my husband.  I yell, sometimes I throw things (not at people), I've come close to punching the wall - or even the mirror.  I've slapped someone across the face once (that was in 9th grade does that really count?).  I say a lot of things I really don't mean, but of course I pay the price for it later.

I guess in a sense, my anger can be seen as a defense mechanism.  I'm trying to protect myself from whatever is going on in the situation.  I don't know, maybe that's how it is for everyone....

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.  Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

James 1:19-20

Instead of getting angry, we need to shut up and listen.  Listen to whoever is causing us to become angry, and be quiet.  If we're unable to listen, then we need to just walk away from the situation and cool off.  Really think about what our response will be (if we should even respond at all).  If we are going to approach the issue again with whoever is causing us to be angry, we need to be calm, and not be accusative (I do have that problem...).  Approach the person in love, not anger.  Sometimes though, it may be better not to approach the problem again.  It may be better to just let it go.  Yea, I know that's REALLY difficult.  It's like the saying "Choose your battles carefully."  Really think about whether the argument is really that important.  If it's not, then.....

Sorry, I had to put the Frozen reference in - I've actually never seen the movie....

*Ahem*  Anyway, that's all I've got to say on anger.  It's definitely a work in progress....

Stronger than you Think

The LORD is my strength and song; he has given me victory.

Psalm 118:14

My help comes from LORD, who made heaven and earth!

Psalm 121:2

The LORD is my strength and shield.  I trust him with all my heart.  He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.  I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power in the weak.

Isaiah 40:29

....but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

These are only a handful of verses that talk about how we are strong through Christ.  There are many other verses that talk about how Christ gives us strength. 

Alone, we are weak and frail.  I don't know how people can get through this life without Him.  I've heard the saying "People only use God as a crutch."  God isn't a crutch though.  We're not in need of a crutch, but rather a heart transplant!  Our hearts are hard like stone; but Jesus gives us a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26)!  This can make us more vulnerable, but he will protect us.

Jesus gives us strength to keep going, no matter what hardships we are going through.  The enemy would love nothing more than to beat you down to where you can't get back up.  He would love nothing more than to destroy you.  Don't let him!  Jesus came to give life (John 10:10) - YOU life!  Rely on Him to give you the strength to keep going.  You are going to get through this, with his help!  He is fighting for you (Exodus 14:14)!  Don't give up!

Friday, October 20, 2017

Broken Girl

Ever just feel broken?  There's been a hastag going around on Facebook #MeToo.  It's for those who have been sexually abused.  As someone who has been through sexual abuse though, I'm not really sure that's really going to help.  People know it goes on.  It's like when Michelle Obama started the hastag #BringOurGirlsHome.  It's not going to do anything.  What's going to change is if people DO something about it.  You can raise all the awareness you want, but people still aren't going to do anything about it.

If there is abuse going on, you need to tell the police.  Report it. 

Of course, there are other ways of being broken too.  Maybe you went through a lot of bullying growing up.  Kids - no, people in general can be cruel; and it's gotten worse over time because people refuse to do anything about it.  There are always going to be bullies - kids and adults.  Unless we do something about it though, nothing is going to change.

Whatever you may be going through, if you are feeling worthless - guy or girl, you are NOT worthless!  You are priceless!  No matter what anyone says or does to you, you are worth more than the stars in the sky.

Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your Heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?  So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Matthew 6:26; 10:31

You are precious to your Heavenly Father.  He loves you SO much that he sent his ONLY Son to die for you!  Would you send your child to die for someone who was evil and wicked?  Of course not!  But that's what he did.  People are evil and wicked - all of us.  We are but filthy rags.

We are all infected and impure with sin.  When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.  Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.

Isaiah 64:6

We are cleansed though by Jesus' sacrifice.  Without Jesus though, we cannot even get near the Father.  Through Jesus though, we are called God's children (1 John 3)!  You are a son or daughter of God!  No one can steal you away from him.  No matter what anyone says, you are beautiful in his eyes.  You mean more to him than you could EVER imagine!

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Go Ahead

I've really had to think about this lately.  It's a hard lesson I've been having to learn over the years.  When God blesses me with something, I tend to hold onto it as long as I possibly can.  Sometimes some blessings are temporary though, so when He's taking it back, I refuse to let go until I literally can't hold on to it anymore.  Why does he do that?  Why does he give us something and then takes it away?  Since I'm not God, I don't know why.  I suppose it could be a number of reasons....

I guess when God blesses us with something, we need to hold onto those things loosely.  Accept and be thankful for what he's given us, but when he wants it back, be ready to give it back to him.  Now this doesn't mean he'll ALWAYS take away what he's blessed you with.  But with the ones he does, he has his reasons and for all you know, he may bless you in a different way.  He takes good care of us, even if it sometimes seems like he's spiting us.  He's not spiting us, that's not in his nature and he can't be different from his nature.

Y'all, we need to trust God to take care of us.  Let's be thankful for what he blesses us with, and be willing to give the things he wants back to him.

Secrets and Regrets

Ever have a difficult time forgiving yourself for things?  I have struggled with this since I was a kid - in fact, I can't think of a time where I EVER forgave myself for anything.  That's a pretty big burden to carry for nearly thirty years.  Even for the smallest of stuff I've just never been able to forgive myself for!  On top of that, I tend to think EVERYTHING is my fault - and I have thought that way for as long as I can remember (which my short-term memory might suck, but my long-term memory is okay).  I don't really know how to think any differently....

I don't really know how to help much in this area, since it's something I've been working on for a while.  But what I can tell you is that if God can forgive you, then shouldn't you be able to forgive yourself as well?  We are commanded to forgive others, why would forgiving ourselves be any different?  Not being able to forgive - whether it be with yourself, others, or both, is a very heavy burden honestly.  You become bitter, among other things as well.

So yes, I do have a lot of regrets; but since God forgives me (because Jesus died for me and took God's wrath for me), and I am commanded to forgive, then that means I need to forgive myself as well.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

"LORD, help!"

I was reading Psalm 107 this morning, and I couldn't help but notice how many times they cried out "LORD, help!"

Sometimes, our suffering is self-inflicted.  It's not always something someone else said or did; sometimes it's what WE said or did - whether to another person or to ourselves.  I recommend reading the entire chapter, but I just want to point out a few verses here.

Verses 1-2:

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good!  His faithful love endures forever.  Has the LORD redeemed you?  Then speak out!  Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.

This is something I really struggle with - even on my good days.  Honestly, I'm a coward.  I get too scared to share about Jesus.  I want to, I really, REALLY want to, but I just get so scared that I seriously freeze up and then beat myself up and cry bitterly over it afterwards.  The only sharing about Jesus I really do is in my blog.  I guess that's a start right?  God is good to us, and he loves us more than we could ever imagine!  How could we not share about his goodness?

Verses 10-16:

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery.  They rebelled against the words of God, scorning the counsel of the Most High.  That is why he broke them with hard labor; they fell, and no one was there to help them.
"LORD, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains.  Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them.  For he broke down their prison gates of bronze; he cut apart their bars of iron.

Verses 17-21:

Some were fools; they rebelled and suffered for their sins.  They couldn't stand the thought of food, and they were knocking on death's door.
"LORD, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He sent out his word and healed them, snatching them from the door of death.  Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them.

Sometimes (maybe even usually) our suffering is self-inflicted.  I don't know about you, but when I really get into these bouts of darkness, I completely shut down.  I isolate myself and wallow in my pain.  It's difficult to get out of bed, and sometimes even to eat.  I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, but sometimes the tears won't come.  lately, I've cried so much that the tears just won't fall anymore.  I battle with myself.  I'm so tempted to give into punishing myself, but I keep telling myself not to because I don't want to dishonor God, as well as hurt the people who care about me.

In these moments, I cry out for God to help me.  I want to escape from these emotions and the pain; but when learning to grieve again, I have to allow myself to feel them.  I have to allow myself to feel them and then learn to move on from them.  You can only be in your self-pity for so long until enough is enough!  In those dark times though - whether they are self-inflicted or from other causes, we need to cling to Christ and cry out to him "LORD, help!"  He will rescue us!  He may not take us out of them immediately, but he WILL get us through them.  As much as I hurt right now, I know he is with me.  He will get me through this.

Saturday, October 14, 2017


We all have things that wear us down.  We all go through storms in our lives.  We all have days like Elijah where we just want to throw our hands up and say "I give up!  I'm better off dead, take me now!"  (1 Kings 19:4)  I can't tell you how many times I've actually prayed that, yet here I am, still here.  I still don't really know why I'm still here.  I've gotten a pretty clear message though that suicide isn't the way to go though.  After surviving three suicide attempts, you get a clear message you're probably here for a reason.  What that reason is, I don't know - maybe it's to help others through my blog.

For a long time, I wouldn't allow myself to cry (especially in front of other people).  I'm quite the hypocrite.  When other people cry, I don't see it as a sign of weakness.  But when I cry, I feel like I'm weak; and when I feel weak, I feel like hurting myself (whether it be by cutting, binge-eating, or suicidal ideations).  I realized in therapy though a few months ago that our emotions will eventually come out.  You can't hold them in forever.  I had always thought when someone blew up from holding them in for too long it would always come out as anger towards people; and while that can be true, it can come out through other ways too.  Usually when it comes out for me, I inflict damage to myself, rather than other people.  I realized I needed to allow myself to feel the emotions, rather than run from them - even if that means crying.  I couldn't cry though, even when I wanted to.  It was as if I had lost a piece of my humanity.  It is normal for people to cry.  Internally, I'd cry, but I physically couldn't.  Over the last two months though - I have started crying, even to the point of having crying spells.  I still tell myself (and my husband) that I don't want to feel these emotions, they're too intense for me to handle; but I have to feel them or I'll lash out either at myself or someone else.  We can only bottle things up for so long, until we can't anymore.  I have yet to find a coping skill that will really help me, and if I find it I'll be sure to let y'all know!

God knows what we go through - the good and bad times.  The peaceful times and the chaotic times.  Sometimes that's a comforting thought, and other times we shake our fists asking, "Why are you doing this to me?"  He is always there for us though.  We just need to go to him.  I know that's easier said than done.  I mean, sometimes it seems like he's not there, or like he doesn't even exist!  What do we do during those times?  Well, we say the same thing a man said to Jesus when he asked Jesus to heal his demon-possessed son.

"I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"

Mark 9:24

No matter what storms you are going through, he is there - with you.  He's not going to leave you on your own.  Even if everyone left you - you're friends, you're family - everyone, he will NEVER leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).  You are precious to him and he loves you more than you could ever imagine.  Trust me, this is a new concept for me too.  I mean I always knew he loved everyone, but I never really thought he loved me.  I thought I was just an annoyance to him because that's what I've been for others for so long - but that's not how he sees us.  He LOVES us!  He LOVES you!  I can't tell you just how much he loves us, because honestly, it's more than we could EVER comprehend!  I can tell you this though, if he can love someone like me, he loves you too.  Put your trust in him and his Word.  He will help you get through your storms.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Prayer Friday, 10/13/2017

I said to the LORD, “You are my God! Listen, O LORD, to my cries for mercy!”
O LORD, I am calling to you. Please hurry! Listen when I cry to you for help! Accept my prayer as incense offered to you, and my upraised hands as an evening offering. Take control of what I say, O LORD, and guard my lips. Don’t let me drift toward evil or take part in acts of wickedness....
Let the godly strike me! It will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is soothing medicine.

I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD’s mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn.
Then I pray to you, O LORD. I say “You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life. Hear my cry, for I am very low.
Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous. Don’t put your servant on trial, for no one is innocent before you.
I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, LORD, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don’t turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of your name, O LORD, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
Portions of Psalms 140, 141, 142, And 143
This is my prayer today....

Thursday, October 12, 2017


Over the past couple weeks, I've been in a dark place in my life (which I guess is nothing really all that new for me).  Some days are darker than others, but don't we all have those kinds of days?  Sometimes they can be quite crippling.  I've talked about depression a lot in my blogs.  According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression - being the leading cause of disability (  Depression affects SO many people all across the globe!  It's no wonder there are so many suicides (being the third leading cause of death with ages between 10-14 and second leading cause of death with ages between 15-34!

Depression often seems like an impossible place to escape.  Like we're just going to drown in our pain and sorrows.  Like we're right at the edge of a cliff and something/one could push us off.  It often feels hopeless.  We think "Surely things can't get any worse," then things get worse.  We isolate ourselves and push people away from us.  Why bother anyone with our problems?  It's like you want to be alone, yet at the same time you don't.  You don't want to "trouble" anyone or they won't be able to understand what you're going through.  At the same time though, you want to know someone cares about you.

Even in our darkest of days though, there is hope.

"He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle.  Finally he will cause justice to be victorious.  And his name will be the hope of all the world."

- Matthew 12:20-21

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest,  Take my yolk upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yolk is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

- Matthew 11:28-30

"However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them."

- John 6:37

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

- John 16:33

We have hope - through Jesus.  No matter how hopeless things may seem, we have hope.  He will NEVER reject us.  He will NEVER crush the weak.  He has overcome the world; and we can find rest in him.  What may feel hopeless, we can always have hope.  Sometimes we have to take one day at a time, and sometimes it's just taking one hour at a time.  No matter how hopeless things are, NEVER give up!  Our lives are precious - especially to the one who CREATED us!  Especially to the one who DIED for us!  If you are feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-273-8255  It is available 24/7.  It's VERY crucial!  You are worth living, because you were worth dying for.  Jesus died so you don't have to!  When I've been feeling like cutting, I've been writing on my arms "Jesus Loves You!"  I also keep in mind why I don't want to cut.

1)  I don't want to hurt the people who care about me (such as my husband)
2)  I really want my next Celebrate Recovery chip (I've gone nearly two months without cutting)
3)  If I hurt myself I am dishonoring Christ.  I am punishing myself when he already took my punishment for me!

I don't say these things to guilt you or anything.  My hope is that you too, will find hope.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

My Heartstrings Come Undone

I want to dedicate this entry to my husband.  This song is about the writer (Ryan Clark)'s wife.

"I wrote this song for my wife.  It's about my commitment to her.  The gist of the song is, regardless of our past or whatever may come in the future, I'll be there for her.  And if one of us completely falls apart emotionally, physically, or spiritually, I'll try my best, with the help of God, to keep the foundation of our marriage a strong one."

My husband (Nick) has lived this out in more ways I could list.  He's been so good to me, and is the closest I have ever felt to the love from God (though even Nick's love for me greatly falls short of God's love for me).

I've been through a lot in my life, things that have shaped me in good ways, as well as bad ways.  When I'm feeling unstable, I tend to isolate myself.  I push everyone away from me - including Nick.  If I'm really angry or hurt, when I don't isolate myself, I've been known to lash out at him.  I'll yell at him and say terrible things to him.  People don't see or even know it, but I have a side that can be very cruel.

I'm an abuse victim, but I now realize, I can be abusive myself - not just abusive towards myself, but towards others as well.  I don't mean to be abusive, but I get emotionally abusive without even realizing it.  I'm trying to protect myself, but in the process I'm hurting those who love and care about me.

A friend told me I have no excuse to be abusive, and you know what?  He's right.  I have no excuse to act the way I do - even if it is something I'm working on.  I don't typically unleash my garbage out on people - unless they're people who are close to me.  If I have lashed out on you, I'm very sorry.

Anyway, this blog entry is about Nick.  In the seven years we've been married, eight years of knowing each other, he has never left my side.  I remember while we were dating, I knew he was too good for me.  I knew I didn't deserve him.  Several times I told him he should break up with me, but he refused to.  I have said and done horrible things to him, and yet he never leaves me.  It's something I don't understand.  Many people have left me, yet he never has.  I often ask myself, "Why is he still here with me?"

He's seen my psychotic episodes - some worse than others (I had one recently, but it was mild compared to most of them).  He's woken up in the middle of the night with me when I've had night terrors or hallucinated.  When I was extremely sick earlier this year, he woke up many times in the middle of the night just to get me a drink (I was too weak to get up myself).  He knew before marrying me I had baggage, but I don't think either of us truly realized just how much baggage I came with.  We didn't know I was Schizoaffective (which I have heard can cause abusive behavior).  We had no idea just how "crazy" I am.

A couple years ago, I had two suicide attempts.  It devastated him, yet he stayed with me.  No doubt he was upset with me.  When I had my second massive overdose, I was in the hospital over night before being transferred to the mental health ward.  That night he stayed with me overnight.  Neither of us got much sleep.  He was with me for most of the next day as well.  Even after that, he still didn't leave me.

Nick is always with me, whether I'm emotionally unstable, or even I've really struggled with my faith - including leaving the faith for a short time.  He's always looking out for me, and when people attack me on Facebook, he goes after them.  He's very protective over me.  Even after having left the faith though, he stayed by my side.  He worried about me a lot; he probably spent a lot of time in prayer for me to return to Christ.

I have been trying very hard to let my guard down with him.  It's not easy; I mean, I put walls up with EVERYONE.  I try really hard to trust him.  I am slowly making progress though.

Nick, thank you for staying with me for eight years.  I'm sorry I have not been good to you.  I've been abusive and I am so, so, sorry.  I always thought that if I would end up with a man, he would most likely be abusive towards me - never had I ever imagined that I would be the abuser myself!  I don't deserve you, but I am thankful to have you in my life.  I want to be the best wife I can be for you - with God's help of course.  I've told you before you weren't my dream guy - you're SO much better than my dream guy!  Sometimes when you speak to me, I wonder if God is speaking to me through you.  I never thought there'd ever be a man who could truly love me, especially when I can't even love myself!  You're my best friend and my lover.  You lead me into a greater relationship with Christ.  You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close to it 😊  I hope one day, I will be as good to you as you are to me.  You have lived out Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loves the church.

Thank you for always being with me, and for never leaving me.  I love you!  💕💖💘

Monday, October 9, 2017


Ever wondered if you left God, would he take you back if you returned?

This is a struggle I know all to well.  There were several times I almost left the faith, and then at one point  I really did leave.  I felt that God didn't want me anymore.  My reason for leaving was a completely emotional reason - but aren't they usually?  In my experience, EVERY person I knew who left the faith did it for purely emotional reasons.  I'm not saying there are no "logical" reasons, but I think most people who leave, leave for emotional reasons. 

When I left, though it was brief, I was honestly pretty scared.  I felt completely alone.  There was no one who could protect me from any kind of evil in the world.  Sure I had my husband, but he can only protect me from so much because he's human.  There are some things that people can't really protect you from - and there was no way I could protect myself.  I felt absolutely miserable.  This may not be how everyone feels when they leave.  Some people may feel free - like they can do whatever they want!  Normally something like that would probably make a person feel free and pretty good, I did not feel good at all.  Sure I thought, "Well, I guess I can do things now that normally I wouldn't."  My husband was pretty devastated that I had left (he's in ministry).  I think one of the things he was afraid of though was what I would do now that I had more "freedom" to do whatever I wanted.  I had morals though, it's not like I'd have an affair or anything.

In the parable of the prodigal son, he goes to his father and says "I want my inheritance now!"  In other words, he told his father, "Dad, I want what I would get if you were dead."  Can you imagine if you were a parents and your kid says, "I'd be better off if you were dead!  Give me what I would get before you die!"  In the parable, the father does give his son his inheritance.  At this point, I imagine this kid (okay, maybe a young adult?) feeling pretty smug.  So what does he do?  He travels far away from home and parties of course!  He makes a bunch of friends while throwing his money around.  Probably gets some ladies - one in each arm.  While he's gone, I imagine his father just sitting on his porch every day, waiting for his son to return home.  Maybe one of his servants asks, "Why do you sit here, waiting every day?"  The father answers, "My son will return home.  I want to be here when he comes back home."

Then a famine hits.  The kid has no more money, no more girls, and no more friends.  Everyone has abandoned him and he has nowhere he can go.  Ever feel like that?  Like everyone has left you?  Like no one has a care in the world for you?  The kid starts working on a pig farm so he can survive.  This kid was starving.  Even the food that he fed the pigs looked good enough to eat (which is pretty nasty).  He wasn't allowed to eat the pigs food though of course.  So he thought, "Maybe I should go home.  I can ask my dad if I can work for him as one of his servants.  At least I'll be fed and taken care of."  You know he had to have been pretty desperate to consider facing his father after leaving the way he did and wasting ALL his money.  So he walks home.  As he's walking home, he's probably practicing what he's going to say to his father to make sure it comes out right.  The closer he gets home, he's probably getting more anxious.  "What am I going to do if he rejects me?  What if he won't even allow me to be a servant?"

While his father is sitting on his porch (okay, it doesn't say he's on his porch, it's just an idea), he faintly sees someone heading his way.  He squints a little to see who it is, when he can make out an outline of his son.  Now you may be thinking, "He's going to be pretty pissed off seeing his son after the way he left."  No.  He recognizes his son and is filled with joy!  I imagine he jumps out of his chair and starts laughing, yelling "Woohoo!!  It's him!  It's my son!  He's returned home!"  He RUNS to his son while his son is still far off in the distance.  This is pretty interesting.  It would've been seen then as undignified for a father to run like that, but he doesn't care!  He RUNS to his son!  The kid is probably thinking, "Oh snap, he's running to scold me!"  He starts to say "Uh, dad, I wronged you in such a despicable way.  I don't deserve to be called your son.  Please, hire me as one of your serv-"  He gets cut off.  His father embraces him tightly, kissing his cheek, perhaps even in tears, "My son!  You've come home!"  He yells for one of his servants.  His servant gets there and he says "Hurry and get the best clothes we have for him!  While you're at it, give him a ring and some good shoes!  Oh, and kill the calf we've been fattening!  We are going to celebrate because my son was once dead, but is now alive!  He was once lost, but is now found!"

No matter where you are in your life, no matter what you've done, your Heavenly Father loves you and wants you.  He is waiting for you.  He isn't wanting to condemn anyone to hell.  Despite what some people think, he's not just this Zues-like God who's just waiting to smite people.  In fact, he says quite the opposite!

"Do you think that I would like to see wicked people die? says the Sovereign LORD.  Of course not!  I want them to turn from their wicked ways and live."

Ezekiel 8:23

He doesn't like seeing people die!  Not. One. Single. Person.  He doesn't enjoy punishing people.  Where we get this idea that he's just waiting to punish people, I have no idea.  This doesn't mean he doesn't punish though.  A good parent will punish their child when their child does something wrong.  They don't enjoy doing that; so why would anyone think a perfect Father would enjoy doing that?

Anyway, he's waiting for you; and when you turn to him through Jesus, he RUNS to you!  We're not talking about just any father, we're talking about the King!  We're talking about the God who created the galaxy!  He runs to you, and has so much joy that you have come to him (or returned to him like in the story of the prodigal son).  He loves you so much; so, SO MUCH!  He wants to embrace you and kiss you, and say "My son has come to me!" or "My daughter has come to me!"Go to him, he wants you 😁

Saturday, October 7, 2017


How do we pray?

This can be a tough subject believe it or not.  I mean, how do we pray?  Jesus gave us an example:

Our Father, who is in heaven.  How holy is your name!  Your kingdom come.  Your will be done.  On earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily needs, and forgive us of our wrong doings, as we forgive those who do wrong against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever.  Amen.

There was a time I was really scared to pray.  It was actually only a few years ago.  I realized just how holy God is, and how unholy and inadequate I really am.  So I would write my prayers down in a notebook instead.  I mean, it's still a way of praying, but for some reason writing them down helped me a lot.  I did this for a couple years.  I write them down sometimes, but not so much anymore.  I've learned that God really does want to hear my prayers.  Whether it's written down, praying in your head, or praying aloud (which I RARELY pray aloud in front of people).  He wants to hear your prayers.  It's a way we can communicate with our Father.  Typically we don't hear his voice auditorally (is that even a real word?), but we do see what he says in his WORD.

If God is our Father, how do we talk to him?  Just like you would talk to anyone else (in my opinion).  He wants to hear what's on your heart.  When I was extremely angry or distressed, sometimes I'd say some words that would be considered VERY disrespectful - especially to someone who's so holy.  I'm known to have a mouth worse than a sailor - especially when I'm very angry.  Luckily, he's a big God and can handle it.  It's not something I would recommend though.  I've been working very hard to bite my tongue now.  God wants to hear what is on your heart.  If you are in pain, tell him!  If you are angry, tell him!  If you are in despair, tell him!  If you're overwhelmed with joy, tell him!

He already knows the desires of your heart, but he wants to hear it from you.  Isn't that what every good parent does?  A good parent may know what their child wants, but would rather hear it come from their child.  A good parent also won't give their child necessarily everything they want though.  Sometimes, the parent has something even better in store for them.  How much more could our heavenly Father want the best for us!

There have been desires I have had for a very long time, and yet I still don't have them.  It hurts, I'm not going to lie.  I often ask God in my tears "Why can't I have this?  Is it so wrong for me to have this?"  Now it doesn't mean he will never give it to me, but I think it's highly unlikely he will.  As much as it hurts though, I know he knows what's best for me.  It may sound cliche, but if I can't have this desire, he's got something better in store for me that I probably have never considered or even thought of!  We have to trust him though.  It's like when a child wants that beanie baby (man I must be old, lol).  They cry and cry, even have a fit right there in the store screaming "I want it!  I want it!"  Meanwhile, the parent has a giant stuffed animal, one just as big as their child, just waiting for them!

Cast all your your worries and cares to God, for he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Whatever is on your heart, talk to God about it, he cares about you.  He loves you SO much!  Tell him your concerns, your worries, your anger, your pain, and even your joys!  When I'd pray, I used to just tell him what I wanted and my complaints.  But then, I realized I needed to praise him too!  So for a while, I would pray for others, and then praise him.  I wouldn't really pray for myself.  Then I realized, he still wants to hear about my needs too!  So now I've learned to do both.  Sometimes I'll start off by praising him about something, then I'll tell him my needs/wants and my prayers for others.  Then I end it with praising him again.  That's usually how I do it anyway.  It's different for everyone.  Sometimes, I don't start out with praising though.  When I'm in a lot of pain or I'm angry, sometimes I'll start off with "Why are you doing this to me?"  But I ALWAYS end my prayers with praise.  No matter what pain I'm going through, I still praise him because that's what he deserves.  He deserves ALL praise.

No matter what you're going through, share it will your Father.  He's listening 😁

Friday, October 6, 2017

I'm Sorry

I don't typically write this late.  In fact, I'm usually winding down, getting ready for bed at this time.  While I was taking a shower tonight, I really felt like God was laying something on my heart, and I wanted to write it tonight so I wouldn't forget in the morning.

To all the people I have said unkind words to, especially over the past few years, I want to apologize.  I am not using this as an excuse, but I want to tell you.  One of my weaknesses is that I'm a VERY impressionable person.  I have a very difficult time thinking for myself (though my blog is mostly of my own thoughts).  I hate making my own decisions.  If there's an option for someone to make a decision for me instead, it gives me great relief because then it's not completely my fault for whatever consequences there are.

There is a reason why I tend to stay away from political posts on Facebook now.  It would constantly get me into trouble - trouble that I wasn't and still really can't handle.  I'm not a debater, so most of my posts on Facebook politically-wise, were stuff that I had been told, and believed.  I tend to believe everything people tell me - another weakness I have.  A few years ago, I made a lot of posts on why I believed homosexuality was wrong - but I fear I did not say them with kindness - and I regret that.

I want to make something clear.  I do believe homosexuality is wrong.  I can give you my reasons, but that may be for a future blog (if I haven't written on it already).  I don't hate homosexuals.  Let me repeat that. I do NOT hate homosexuals.  I love them just as much as anyone else.  But I also know a couple years ago, my words and my tone did not convey love.  I want to speak the truth, but I also want to speak it in love - not condemnation.  I was influenced by someone who was really into politics, and their approach wasn't the most loving.  Since I am very impressionable, I followed the same way.  I loved homosexuals then, but it did not appear that way.  With this, I am deeply sorry.

There was another person I'm thinking of in particular.  They were a believer, but he did a lot of cross-dressing.  He really liked me, and seemed comfortable talking with me.  I wasn't sure what to think though.  He would act like he was "one of the girls."  He'd say things like "Let's have girl talk."  I honestly had no idea what to think of this person.  I had talked to a couple people about it, and they had both said this person wasn't someone I was healthy enough to talk to.  One of the people who told me this though, was the one who was influencing me with politics again.  They told me to be really blunt.  I was afraid though, because the way they were telling me to do it was not like me.  I followed what they said though.  I really hurt the guy, and I felt horrible.  I have felt terrible about it ever since, but tried to just push it aside because there's nothing I can do about it now.  So to this particular person, I'm sorry I was not kind to you.

Growing up I was severely bullied, and I realize now, that a couple years ago, in a sense I became a bully myself.  That is a very hard pill to swallow.  I always wanted to be someone who would protect those who couldn't protect themselves.  Instead, I became the attacker instead of the defender.  I am very, very sorry.  I have learned my lesson, and want to speak in love instead of condemnation.  If I condemn others, then I will be condemned as well.  I think of the passage in Scripture (which I have talked about before in a previous blog) about the adulterous woman.  The Pharisees brought her out to Jesus with stones and tried to trap him.  They said "In Moses' law we are to stone this adulterous woman.  What would you say we do?"  He began to write something in the dirt.  They got impatient and told him to say something.  He got up and said, "Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone."  He knelt back down writing in the dirt.  Starting from the oldest to the youngest, they began to leave.  They knew they were not perfect with God.  Every. Single. Pharisee, Left.  Only the woman and Jesus were left.  Jesus asked her "Where are your accusers?  Have not one of them stayed?"
"No sir." the woman answered.  Jesus replied, "Then neither do I.  Go and sin no more."

I don't want to be like the Pharisees.  How can I condemn someone when I have enough things to be condemned for myself?  If Jesus doesn't condemn me, then I shouldn't condemn people either.  If Jesus loves me, I should love others as well.

I am not perfect - far from it!  I want to show Jesus' love to everyone, but I know I will never do this perfectly.  I pray that you will judge him based on WHO he is and WHAT he says, instead of what a faulty person such as myself says or does.  He loves you more than you could ever know.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Strong Tower

So yesterday I wrote a blog on what lights your fire, and now that I think about it, I'm surprised I was able to write it okay because I ended up having a psychotic episode for several hours yesterday.  I was careless and accidentally took the wrong meds - skipping my antipsychotic.  I had delusional thinking and paranoid over the most stupid stuff.  I kept hallucinating.  I kept thinking I saw things moving (like lights) and kept thinking I saw someone standing in front of me, but when I looked up it was gone.  Then I kept feeling like something was tapping me on my head.  Of course, the voices came back too.  I kept hearing someone shouting my name even though I was home alone - there's no way my cat could shout my name!  I put my headphones in my ears and had to keep cranking up the volume, trying to drown out the voices.  It was like this for several hours!  I was an absolute wreck.  I'm terrified to see what all I must've posted on Facebook yesterday 😰

Anyway, there's a song (now that I've calmed down and am a little more sane) that I used to listen to often, I even used to play my bass to it (it was kinda fun for a beginner anyway).  I still like the song, I just hadn't heard it in a while.  When I listened to it this morning, I thought "I should've listened to this yesterday!"  I did listen to another good song though, "Hold Me Now" by Red.  That was comforting some too.

So, "Strong Tower," how this could've helped me I'm sure!  In the midst of our trials, whatever they may be for you (like yesterday it was my psychotic episode), we have a strong tower we can go to.  Here's the chorus:

You are my strong tower
A shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting king
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And your face is all I see

In the words of Han Solo

It is ABSOLUTELY true!  No matter what it is you're going through, we have someone who can protect us, someone who can defend us.

He will cover you with his feathers.  He will shelter you with his wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Psalm 91:4

I had this vision once (yes, I used the "v" word, and I VERY rarely have them) of things going on in a small room (this story would take too long to get into details though so I'll spare you all the details).  There was no way out and I just got on my knees, covering my ears with my hands and keeping my eyes shut in tears.  Jesus comes over to me and kneels down in front of me, and just holds me, telling me how everything is going to be okay.  I just buried my face in his chest as he was protecting me from the things around me.  

Y'all, he does that for us, not just in visions, not just in dreams, he REALLY does that for us!  Even when it seemed like my brain was betraying me yesterday, believe me, I wanted to escape it.  I told my husband if there was ever a time I wanted to get high to escape, it was right then.  But even if I had, it wouldn't change anything.  My problems would still be there in the end.  It's just like cutting or binge eating.  A short, temporary relief, but when the euphoria is done, you're still faced with the same problems that were there before, and perhaps even more so now than before (like having to explain to my husband or my parents why they see where I've cut myself).  

I know I say this often, but we've got to FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS!  When we are weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).  He is there and wants to help us in our time of need.  Focus on him.  No matter what problems we have in life, he is BIGGER than them!  I mean think about it, he defeated death!  Jesus literally suffered and died for us - then came back to life!

"No one can take my life from me.  I sacrifice it voluntarily.  For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again.  For this is what my Father has commanded."

John 10:18

He is a big God, he can help us no matter what we're going through.  Put your focus on him.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Light a Fire

I absolutely LOVE this song.  I couldn't believe I haven't blogged about this song yet!

We all have things we're passionate about.  For me, it's really hard for me to find things I'm passionate about.  Before my first suicide attempt, I had all sorts of dreams of what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be in the army, I wanted to be in youth ministry, I wanted to be an animator, I wanted to start a therapeutic farm with rescued animals to help troubled kids, I wanted to be a missionary in Japan, and more than anything - I wanted to be a mom.  These are still dreams I have, but they don't seem plausible for me at this point.  After my first suicide attempt, my personality changed quite a bit.  If you look at photos of me before my suicide attempt, I smile.  I look happy - even if I'm pretending to be.  I at least looked like I had joy.  You look at photos of me now though, that light seems to not be there anymore.  Smiling just feels awkward to me now.  I don't really know how to anymore.  It's not that there's no joy anymore, though that does seem to be buried deep down inside, only sometimes peaking it's way out. 


There is one thing I do have a passion for, and you may see it from time to time in my blogs.  I have a passion for it, but I'm afraid of it too.  So what is it?  Well, it's a couple things - and they're complicated for me too.

1)  I love helping people.  I have mixed feelings about people.  After everything I've been through with people, deep down there's a feeling of disgust towards people.  I prefer animals for a reason after all.  When animals attack people, it's instinct.  Most likely they are either trying to protect themselves, or if they're a mama they're trying to protect their babies.  People on the other hand, they have evil intentions.  They hurt you to do just that - to hurt you.  They're not necessarily trying to protect themselves or their families.  As Alfred in the Dark Knight once said, "Some people just want to watch the world burn."  I fear people.  At the same time though, I love people.  I hate watching them suffer.  When I see someone suffering with something, I immediately start trying to think of what I can do to help.  Sometimes there's nothing I can really do but just be there for them and pray.  I know I can't be the savior of the world, but I do want to show them WHO the Savior of the world is.  Which brings us to point two.

2)  I love Jesus.  I want to serve him with all I have and into eternity.  He's saved my butt a number of times, and I'm sure other times I may not even be aware of!  He is my Savior in a very deep, literal sense.  He didn't just save me spiritually, which don't get me wrong is HUGE!  Spiritual salvation I would say is the most important salvation.  But he has saved me in other ways too - ways that would take another blog entry and would be quite long.  He is my Rescuer in so many ways.  There's no one else I'd want to serve.  I often get afraid though.  I ask God "Please give me an opportunity to share the Good News today with someone!"  But then I chicken when I get the chance, and walk away ashamed and even in tears.  I keep thinking "What if I say/do something wrong?  What if I don't present him in a truthful way?  What if they look badly at him?"  I also have selfish ones too, "What if they don't like me?  What if they see me like Christians who have hurt them?  What if they think I'm stuck-up?"  "What If's" can kill a person.  One of the reasons I'm so open in this blog about my struggles is people tend to think Christians are "stuck up" or act like their lives are perfect.  Trust me, I get it, that kind of appearance drives me insane!  I'm raw in my struggles on here to show them I'm just as broken as everyone else.  There's no "holier than thou" with me.  I have as much garbage in my life as everyone else - I just happen to talk about mine.  No Christian has it all put together, even if they appear that way.  We're ALL just as broken as everyone else - we just happen to know someone who will one day make us new. 

So what do I do with all this?

Well, I have a heart for people, and I have a fire in me lit for Jesus.  I get scared talking about Jesus, but sometimes when they bring the topic up with me, I get REALLY excited.  Suddenly my fears go out the door!  There are a lot of people lost in darkness - and they don't even realize it.  Some times they do, I did.  We can be so rebellious towards God.  I was consumed in darkness.  Now that I have the light in me though, I want to share Him with the world!  I want to show people that they're not alone.  I want to show them that Jesus loves them more than they could ever imagine or comprehend.  I want to show them that there is hope in Jesus.  I want to show them the grace and love of God. 

I haven't really figured out how to implement both of these.  I guess I just start with my blog right?

Y'all we have a powerful God that if he wanted to he could wipe everything out of existence with just the tip of his finger!  He could do it and honestly, he'd have every right to do so.  But he's also a merciful God.  He wants you to go to him and ask for forgiveness.  He wants to call you his child, and a good parent won't just cast their child away.

When people see me, I don't want them to see me - I want them to see Him.  I'm not a perfect reflection of Jesus.  Ha!  I'm nowhere even close to being a perfect reflection!  But even in my imperfections, even in my failures, he can still use me for his glory.  I mean that's really the point in our lives - to bring Him glory.  I don't want to watch the world reject someone who loves them SO much!  Only recently I realized that Jesus really does love me, and it's made some pretty big changes with me.  If the world really knew just how loved they are by the creator of the galaxy, it would change them!  Even the hardest of hearts would melt if they truly knew Jesus loves them.  That is my passion - to show a world full of darkness that there is light, and this light will never go out.  This light will remain for eternity.  This light will never leave them.  My passion is to spread the Good News.  I haven't figured out how other than in my blogs, and it's something I know God will eventually reveal to me.

So let me ask you:  What lights the fire in you?