Saturday, August 29, 2015

Never Alone

I've been really struggling lately, and I've been feeling alone in it.  I know I'm not alone, but I feel alone.  I have a husband who loves me, friends who support me, and most of all a God who has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.  But even in the midst of all these people, I feel alone in my struggle.  Do you feel that way?  Like you're the only one?  Like no one understands or relates to you?  I've been feeling like I'm trying to gasp for air while something is choking me to death.  Some people have commented, "You like feeling this way.  You like the attention."  I hate this!  I don't want the attention, I want help!  I want to feel whole again.  I feel so empty.  But I know some day I will be whole, we all will.  It's a long process, and some day I will be whole.  I won't always be broken.  God doesn't keep his precious children broken forever.  We can't fix ourselves, let alone fix each other.  Only God can fix us.  We try to fix things and we often times end up making things worse off than they were before.  So we need to trust God to take care of us during those times.  He shapes us, molds us, like clay.  Clay is messy.  I took a ceramics class in high school and when I got on the wheel and tried to get the clay to do what I wanted it to do, I couldn't do it.  I'd make a huge mess, it took two class periods once for me to even clean the wheel but that's besides the point.  Clay is messy and it doesn't always do what you want it to do.  Sometimes it can be stubborn (or at least in my experience, I could just not be very good at it).  But God, molds us, shapes us with his hands, and it can be a painful process.  He takes extra pieces of clay off of us.  And even after he's done shaping us, we still have to go in the fire (or the kiln).  But in the end, we become this beautiful creation, made in his image.  Sometimes we have to go through really difficult trials that seem hopeless and like there's no end to them.  But we don't go through them alone.  You have your loved ones and your friends, but even if you don't have those, God says he will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5; Deuteronomy 31:6).  Deuteronomy 31:6 says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."  Let's face our trials courageously, like lambs with the faces of lions, because what have we got to fear when God is with us?

I've been listening to this song by Barlow Girl called "Never Alone" and I've been really feeling the lyrics.  Here are the lyrics, maybe they'll resonate with you as well.

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


( )

Friday, August 28, 2015

The Mirror

Some creative writing I wrote on Facebook last year I thought I'd share.

I approached this bright throne.  It had many precious stones on it.  Giant angels that were also like beasts with eyes all over them were guarding the throne.  I was afraid to come closer to the throne.  I knew exactly where I was.  The angels kept crying, "Holy, holy, holy!"  Something that appeared to be a man but at the same time was too bright to really see sat on the throne.  I didn't want to move closer to the throne, but something inside me was telling me, "Keep going, you need to keep going."  I slowly (and I mean as slow as possible) moved towards the throne and as I got close to the angelic beasts, the one that looked like a man with eyes all over him halted me and said, "You can't come any closer.  He may come closer to you though."  As I looked up, I saw how big God looked on his throne.  He looked larger than the biggest skyscraper I had ever seen!  If I got any closer, surely he would step on me like I was an ant!  I fell to my knees, filled with fear, yet at the same time filled with yearning.  Then God stood up and started walking closer to me.  It was strange though, instead of looking larger the closer he came towards me, he started becoming smaller.  When he stood in front of me, he was only a couple feet taller than me.  He was still very bright, but, I started seeing more of a man this time.  It was Jesus!  Tears welled up in my eyes, I uttered under my breath, "At last."  Jesus smiled at me.  He took me to a room where there was a mirror.  I saw myself and I was all bloodied and filthy.  I wore rags was a mess.  I started to cry again, "I thought you saw me as beautiful...I thought I was made clean with you!"  Jesus nodded, "You are seeing the way you see yourself in this mirror.  I want you to look closer in the mirror, look deep down in your heart and see yourself the way I see you, and the mirror will show you how you really look."
I didn't want to look in the mirror again, it was painful enough to see what I had seen, but I listened to him.  He wouldn't hurt me, right?  I looked in the mirror, closer, and closer, and nothing seemed to change.  I closed my eyes for a moment to focus on my favorite verse, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  I looked in the mirror again and I looked different.  I was clean, I was wearing clothes that fitted a princess!  I looked beautiful!
"I don't understand, how could this be me?" I grabbed my mouth in shock.  "I'm a sinner!  One of the worst!  I'm supposed to be flithy, how can I be this beautiful?"  Jesus looked into my eyes and had the brightest smile I had ever seen and said softly, "Because I cleaned you up.  When I adopted you I cleaned you up from all your filth and while you still sinned, I took care of you still.  I still cleaned you up.  You are my precious daughter, and never have I seen you as ugly or filthy like you've seen yourself.  I've seen you as my beautiful daughter who often gave her heart away to people who would crush it, but she ultimately gave her heart to me who would make it whole again."