As I had said in my previous entry, I struggle with a lot of anxiety - this week being one of the WORST weeks in a while. It's really been affecting my health. I've been having breathing problems, chest pains, less sleep and hallucinations (I'm on a new medication that helps control the hallucinations - they've come back though after a couple of weeks), and even being sick (again). All this I believe is stress and anxiety-related.
One of my biggest problems I have is I tend to put everyone else's problems on my shoulders, I guess that's what happens when you really care about people. I wasn't always this way, I used to hate people and God. I was burned so often by so many people (which still happens A LOT) I just didn't want anything to do with either. When I developed a love for God though, I started to love people. That's a different story though I may share later.
\Anyway, I know I can't save the world, I'm not Jesus after all. I can't continue to carry the world's burdens on my own. This week something happened that really broke my heart, and I'm not able to tell anyone about it. I wasn't sure what to do about it. I wasn't sure how to handle it. This caused my anxiety and to get even worse. I've gone to two drs so far asking to be on something for my anxiety and both refused to. One said they legally couldn't and the other said I'm on too many medications.
I've been praying more in the past few days I think than I EVER have. Some people who are very special to me have told me that I need to rest in God. I wasn't really sure how to do that though. What does it even mean to rest in God and how do we do it? I asked a couple people and they said it's trusting in God. Trusting God can be a difficult thing to do, believe me I know. Trust does NOT come easy for me. For some people, there have been exceptions to that, and I'm not sure why that is. Most people though it takes a VERY long time before I trust them. Don't get me wrong, I'm an open book. But when it comes to really trusting someone that they won't hurt me, that they're really on my side, it takes a long time. So many people have broken that trust (I've been in four abusive relationships - including one by a minister) and really burned me. I've been kicked out of churches because they couldn't handle my Autism. Yea I get it, people, including Christians, are really hard to trust. They put on a mask at first that make you believe they're different from others. But when that mask comes off and you see who they really are, you realize they're not as "angelic" as they first appeared.
In my prayer time over the past couple days, I've been asking God to help me through this. That He would give me the wisdom to know what to do, the strength to carry these burdens on my own, and the courage if I need to go to others about some of them (which really in my situation is NOT a good idea - for most things though it is a good idea to). If I'm supposed to carry these burdens on my own though, I asked God to help me through them, because I honestly didn't believe I'd even make it by the end of the week. I even started making plans - which btw, when that starts to happen, you need to check yourself into a hospital. I hate hospitals, but safety is very important. Around 4 am two days ago, I felt like Jesus spoke to me (which is very rare for me) and He said, "You're not carry these burdens alone, I'm carrying them with you." I kid you not, my anxiety was cut in half! My physical symptoms went away and I felt so much more relaxed. It gave me the answer I needed to know what to do as well. I think I finally understood what it means to rest in God - to trust Him. It's hard to trust someone you've never seen before, and usually the conversations seems one-sided. But He's closer than you think. I picture it this way: It's like we're a small child in the store. We're supposed to stay close to our parents, but sometimes something catches our eyes; so we wander off on our own. Then we notice we're not anywhere near our parents and freak out! But in reality, they're watching us from a distance still, making sure we're safe (at least that's what a good parent does, lol). We may feel alone, but in reality, He's there still - watching us. When we cry out to Him, He comes to our rescue.
Some other great things have happened since then in the past two days, and I may get that in later. This entry is mostly focused on anxiety. Do I still need to be on something for my anxiety? Most likely. I still have a lot of anxiety. As of right now though, I think I can manage it. I need to remember I'm not alone, even if I feel alone. Jesus is here with me, even when it doesn't feel like He is. I need to rely on Him. He will never burn me or abuse me.
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest....for my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
Whatever burdens you may be carrying, He will give you rest. You never have to carry them alone - He carries them with you. He carried the world on His shoulders. You think He doesn't understand your pain? He was known as a Man of Sorrow. He understands what it's like to be in deep pain and suffering.
"He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief."
Trust Him, you won't regret it. What do you have to lose?