Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Sons and Daughters

Before He spoke creation, the God of heaven knew our names Formed in His reflection, we are His glory on display

And His heart is good, He is always kind With a cross He proved, He is on our side 

We are the sons, we are the daughters of God No matter where we go we're close to the Father's heart And though we stumble He will not let us fall We are the Lord's and He will never forsake His own We are the sons, we are the daughters of God 

His love He lavished on us and called us children of the King And in His loving kindness, He chose the lowly and the weak 

Pre-Chorus (x1) 

Chorus (x1) 

When the lies speak louder than the truth Remind me I belong to You When I can't see past the dark of night Remind me You're always by my side (Repeat Twice) 

Chorus (x1) 

I really like this song.  I heard it for the first time at church this past Sunday.  What does it mean to be a son or daughter of God?

The Lord is like a Father to his children, tender, and full of compassion to those who fear Him. For He understands how weak we are, He knows we are only dust.
But the love of the Lord stays forever with those who fear Him
Psalm 103:13

God is like a father.  He cares for His children (His followers) and protects them.  I've been protected from the demonic, suicide attempts, even from drowning in a pool once when I was little.  God protects us.  He has compassion for us.  He knows we are weak.  He knows we struggle.  But He still helps us and understands us better than anyone else.  People come and go but God is forever and will never abandon us!  He has promised to never forsake us.

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."
Deuteronomy 3:16

This means no matter how alone we feel, we are never truly alone.  When we cry out to Him, He hears us and He collects our tears.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8

Of course, a good father doesn't give his children EVERYTHING they want, but he does give them what they need.  God isn't a genie who grants you wishes.  Sometimes we do get what we want.  But God does provide us for our needs.  My husband and I are poor with very little income.  But God always seems to provide us our needs.

Of course, just because God helps us, this doesn't mean life will always be great.  Sometimes life gives us hell.  Jesus even promised us that life would be hard.  But we have the Creator of the entire universe on our side.  When we have nowhere else to go to and are begging on our knees for relief, He's there.  He wraps His arms around us and tells us, "I'm here."

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

We have to hang on, because in the end, things will be good.  Of course, by in the end, sometimes that good doesn't happen until we meet Him in heaven.  Sometimes that "good" doesn't come until the next life.  But it's all worth it!  I heard this story recently where in a Muslim country, there was a father and son who were Christians.  Some Muslims came to them and told the father to reject Christ or they would chop off his sons fingers.  He refused and they chopped off his sons fingers right in front of him.  Eventually, both the father and son were killed.  Was this a good situation?  Of course not!  But they get to be with Christ now, and are no longer suffering.  When they are resurrected, they will have new bodies, which means the son who had his fingers cut off will have all his fingers back!

Sometimes we have to deal with tragedy in our lives.  I had a friend a couple months ago die from cancer.  It was a tragedy to lose such a friend, but I know she is no longer suffering and she is in the presence of God Almighty!

We are sons and daughters of God!  We are ambassadors of the Creator!

So we are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, "Come back to God!"
2 Corinthians 5:20

Instead of living like there is no hope, let's live like God is with us!  He is with us and for us, not against us!

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

One Year Later

A year ago yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.  In one month two of my best friends wanted nothing to do with me anymore (which honestly was my fault).  It was the day before Mother's Day and my husband was interviewing someone for his podcast.  I thought to myself, "I can't take this rejection anymore, so I'm going to try to go away again, and never come back."  I found my husband's keys which had the key to the safe where my medications were.  I snuck into the safe and grabbed a bottle of my sleeping pills.  It had just been refilled.  I took all of the pills and layed in bed hoping I would fall asleep soon and not wake up.  Soon, I started feeling guilty about what I had done.  I started imagining how my husband would react if he found me dead, and knowing him he'd blame himself for it, when it had nothing to do with him.  I started regretting my actions and thought, "Is this really worth it?  Sure I lost two of my best friends, but is killing myself really worth it?"  About thirty minutes after I took the pills my husband finished his podcast and came in the room not knowing what I had done.  He said he was going to run some errands and asked if I wanted to come along.  I said I was too tired to go with him.  As he began to leave the room, something in me told me to tell him what I did.  To this day I still don't know why I told him, but I stopped him and told him I OD'ed.  He couldn't believe it and panicked.  I showed him the empty bottle and he frantically started making phone calls.  I slipped out of consciouncess (I can't spell) until I felt a rough rubbing on my chest.  I started hearing my name calling me.  I woke up slightly and saw my husband, my in-laws, and paramedics in my room.  Every time I started slipping away they'd keep rubbing my chest really hard.  I had a bruise there for a while from them doing it so much.  I started puking and they had to give me oxygen.  The paramedics  would ask me questions and I'd try to answer with sounds but I was so tired.  I had ringing in my ears too and I felt really dizzy like everything was spinning.  When I woke up again I found myself in an ambulance.  They commented how I was "a big girl" which really offended me.  I was thinking "Here I'm dying and you're going to comment on my weight?!"  I still kept slipping in and out of concsiousness.  My husband and my in-laws were driving behind the ambulance and ran through red lights.  The next thing I knew I was in the hospital and my clothes had been torn off.  I had heard them cutting through my clothes but at the same time I wasn't really awake while they were doing it either.  When I woke up I started calling for my husband.  They let him in and some friends too.  He was crying and he said my mom (who lived in another state) was on her way.  I had puke in my hair and dried on my hands.  One of my friends helped clean off the puke on my hand.  Friends from church had come to check on me too.  I couldn't believe how many people came to see if I was okay.  I didn't get to see most of them because only a certain amount of people could be in the room and my husband (and when my mom got there) didn't want to leave the room.  I was transferred to another room and they stuck two iv's in me.  It was a rough night.  My husband stayed with me overnight while there was someone watching me as I slept too.  I told my husband I was sorry for what I did.  The next day my husband and I hadn't slept well.  My mom came back from a hotel and my in-laws came to pick up my husband so he could get some sleep at home and he returned later.  That night he had to go back home and I didn't want him to leave me.  I cried and begged for him to stay with me but he said he couldn't.  Plus I was possibly being transferred to the psychiatric ward that night.  If I had, he would have to stay in the hospital by himself since he didn't have a car there.  After about a couple of hours I was transferred to the psychiatric ward so I called my husband and told him I wasn't upset with him for leaving and that it was a good thing that he did.  While I was there, I had a revelation.  People really do care about me and don't want to see me leave.  If people care about me that much, how much more must God care about me?  There's a reason I was still there and when I told my mom how many pills I took, she looked it up and said they really could've killed me.  This was the second time I had escaped death (the first suicide attempt was after graduating high school in 2009).  Suddenly I no longer wanted to just exist, I wanted to live.  I was in the psychiatric ward for two or three days and was released.  I was doing really well, I was even humming worship songs at times.  My husband told me he was really upset with me, until he saw me.  Suddenly the negative feelings he was feeling towards me slipped away.  I even made things up with one of my best friends I had lost and we are great friends to this day again!

It was a really rough year last year, and hopefully after moving to a different area will help me forget about the negativity that happened, but at the same time I hope I don't completely forget so I will have learned my lesson.  I've tried to take my life three times (twice last year) and every time my plan was thwarted.  There is a reason I'm still here, and I don't know what that reason is.  Perhaps some day I'll find out.  But I'm going to try to not make my time to leave this earth earlier than God has planned for me.  Some day I will leave, but it's not my call as to when I leave.  I have to trust God with that.