I've had a really rough couple of weeks; I've been in a deep depression. I've been going through the book "Boundaries" and once I finish that book I'll be reading a book on attachments. I keep having the same problems with people over and over again. I've actually been blaming God for them. I think he's blessed me with something, and then he takes it away from me; but I've come to realize it's not him taking them away from me - in trying to pull them closer to me I end up pushing them away from me instead. I keep getting into relationships where I feel really close to someone, and I end up losing them. I didn't understand why this keeps happening, but now I know.....
First of all, I've never really understood how to establish healthy boundaries. Either I have no boundaries or my boundaries are so high they can't be penetrated. There's never been a healthy middle for me. Generally, when other people have set up boundaries with me in the beginning of the relationship, I've done pretty good with respecting them. If they start setting boundaries with me later though, I feel really hurt because I take it as they don't really want me. My boundary issues isn't just with friends though, it's with my husband as well. I'm not very good with receiving "no." If my husband tells me no about something, I'll keep begging until I get a yes. I talked with a friend who also has BPD about what I've been learning about my issues with boundaries and she knew EXACTLY what I was saying. I guess boundary issues are pretty common with people who have BPD.
Another issue I learned I have is I've always wanted to have one special friend, but whenever I thought I had that special friend, I ended up draining them. I didn't realize that having only one special friend is really not a good thing. I need to have several good friends so I don't drain one good friend. If one friend isn't available to talk, there are others I can talk to. I get so scared to get close to people, I have a lot of trust issues. Now I know how I've drained people though. I put all my eggs in one basket, eventually that basket is going to break - along with all the eggs in it. I've still got more I need to learn, I have more to read in the book, but this has been pretty eye-opening for me.
To the people I drained and didn't have healthy boundaries with, I'm really sorry. I know it's too late for me to fix things, but I hope you'll one day forgive me. I'm sorry I drained you, and I'm sorry I didn't respect your boundaries. I hope I will learn and grow from all this and be a better person. Thank you for the time and energy you did spend on me. I hope I won't make the same mistakes again.
I've been watching the Lord of the Rings movies and I have enjoyed them so far. I just finished watching the second one in the trilogy. There was something that I noticed about the second movie though: I'm a lot like Gollum.
The inner turmoil he goes through is a lot like me when I'm having an episode.
"So-and-so tricked you! You can't trust them anymore!"
"But so-and-so is my friend, they wouldn't intentionally hurt me...."
"They lied to you! You can't trust anyone anymore!"
This sort of battle within myself can go on for hours - even days. This effects me so badly, that I'll hardly eat anything and just spend my time isolating and crying. Being that I haven't seen all the movies yet or even read the books, I didn't know much about Gollum. But as I was watching the second movie last night, I felt pity for Gollum. He wanted to be good, but when he felt betrayed by his only friend (Frodo), the darkness in him won. The darkness can be difficult to fight, I know that all too well. It's a battle we must all battle until the day we die. It can feel like a lonely battle too; like you're fighting this all by yourself - but you're not. The people who care about you help you fight this battle too. Most importantly, God helps you fight this battle.
I'm not really sure how to beat the inner turmoil I go through. I don't know how to end the episodes or to stop them before they really get started. I stopped it from happening one time, but I don't think it'll work like it used to anymore now. I've started going through DBT (dialectical Behavioral Therapy) though so hopefully that'll help me. It's only been recently that I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I guess Tolkien knew something about it before everyone else did.
It's September, which means it's suicide prevention awareness month. If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I have a lot to say about the topic on suicide - as someone who has attempted four times in the past nine years and many "almost" attempts. Suicidal ideations and self-harm are things I still struggle with nearly daily. Some days are harder than others. I know what it's like to want to give up, like there's not much left to live for and and you're just tired of the intense pain you feel. I know what it's like to feel worthless. I know what it's like to feel like there's not much hope left. If you are feeling this way, know this: YOU are NOT ALONE. There are people (like myself) who know what you are going through. I can empathize with you. You do have a purpose. You have more worth than you could ever imagine. My husband did a podcast interview with me this year on the topic of suicide; if you'd like to listen to it click here.
If you know someone who is struggling with suicide (or self-harm), here are some tips on how to reach them.
- Let them know they aren't going through this alone. That you are there for them no matter what. People who are suicidal often feel like they're all alone, even if they're surrounded by many people. Assure them that they aren't alone, and you're not going to leave them.
- Remain calm with them. I know for me, if someone starts panicking, I start to panic as well. I know it can be scary to think someone you care about is suicidal. But if you remain calm, it's easier for them to remain calm as well.
- (If possible) remove anything around them that they could hurt themselves with. For example, my husband has locked in a safe all of our belts, medications, and rope. We also don't have any sharp knives in our apartment. This could upset them and be a bit of an inconvenience, but if they are seriously considering suicide, remove as many harmful things as possible.
- Stay with them. Don't leave them alone. When we're alone, we start idealizing ways to hurt ourselves more than if we're with someone. Feelings of abandonment makes things so much worse. If you have to, stay with them overnight. Of course, you can't watch them 24-7 so if things are progressively getting worse, it may be good to take them to the hospital. I usually say this as a last resort though. I've had trauma involving hospitals. Some hospitals are okay and if your meds are out of whack (or you need meds) then the hospital can help with that. They just usually don't even touch my meds.
If you are struggling with feeling suicidal, please, don't hurt yourself. You are more valuable than you realize. The pain may be intense now, it may even be intense for a long time, but it won't last forever. The pain doesn't go away when you die - it gets passed on to those who care about you. That pain for them NEVER goes away. They continually question themselves on what they could've done to stop you. Even if you make an attempt and you survive, people look at you differently. People who knew me before my first suicide attempt, look at me differently since after the first suicide attempt. You don't want that.
I have had suicidal thoughts lately. I've chosen not to go through with them though. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my husband. I also want to honor God with my life, and ending my life would not honor Him at all. So I keep going. I keep living, with hope that the pain won't be as intense for long. Have hope, that tomorrow will be a new day with new opportunities.
What exactly is humility and what does it look like? This is something I've wondered for a while. When you think of humility, you think of someone who isn't prideful right? Someone who doesn't think they're over the top great. It's also someone who doesn't think they're over the top bad either. I have a lot of false humility. What that means is I beat myself up ALL the time and I have a lot of self-hatred. That's the thing though, there's a lot of self-focus. Someone who is humble is not self-focused. They are selfless. As I've been thinking about the saints, I've noticed a lot of them were selfless. They didn't focus on themselves, they focused on others. I spend so much time focusing on my pain or how bad of a person I think I am. I try to focus on others, but I always go right back to focusing on myself. I am trying to learn how to be more humble. They say asking God to help you be humble is a dangerous prayer. Indeed, I'm a bit afraid to pray it myself. He won't just give you humility, he'll work you through it. The thing you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it? Is humility worth the trials ahead? Is humility worth being broken for a while? I'm broken as it is, but if God wants to break me even more in order for me to be humble, then so be it. Humility is something I really want to have, so I'm prepared to work for it. I'm tired of always focusing on myself. I want to focus on the pain others have so I can help or pray for them, and less focus on my own pain.
I once had a close friend that I had told I had at the time I tried to end my life. I had been friends with her nearly all my life. She had seen the suffering I had been through growing up. You know what she told me though? "You've never suffered a day in your life."
I often feel like my suffering is unbearable. My mind is full of darkness and I can't seem to be able to escape it. I often find myself asking God to have mercy on me and to end my life. You may think this is an overreaction, but in my mind, it's not. I don't think people could last even five minutes in my head. There are some days where in my tears I beg God to just let me die. Now, I don't say I suffer more than anyone else. Different people suffer in different ways and can tolerate a different amount of suffering. I've reached the point that I don't believe I can handle much more.
Recently though, I've started thinking about the saints (in both Orthodoxy and Catholicism) and their lives. So many of them suffered, much more than I ever have. I recently watched a movie about Saint Padre Pio's life. He faced pain, illnesses, and persecution (from the Church) for 50 years! Many saints were tortured and killed for their faith in Christ. Most of my pain is inside my head, though that's not to downplay what I go through. My pain, however, is not like what the saints have gone through. If they could go through the suffering they went through, couldn't I as well (with God's help of course)? If I start considering suicide or self-harm (which I have not cut for three months), I really need to consider if my actions are bringing honor to Christ. The answer to that is no. Self-harm and suicide does NOT bring honor to Christ. It in fact does the opposite. It brings dishonor to Him. It says, "My problems are too big for him to help me through" and "My sin is too great for Him to forgive." Am I sick? Yes, mentally, I am VERY sick. But that's not a death sentence either. While I often feel like I'm cursed with the illnesses I have, God has also greatly blessed me. To kill myself or to self-harm would be to spit in His face and say that it's not good enough. If I want to honor Christ, I have to keep living for Him. It's up to Him how and when I die; it's not up to me. If I must suffer then so be it, but I know I won't be alone. Christ is with me after all. He can help me keep going. No matter how empty I may feel, He can fill me. Any suffering I go through in this life, is nothing compared to the joy I'll have with Him some day. That is where I need to place my hope: that one day I will be with Him.
In a couple weeks the catechism classes start at the Orthodox Church I've been going to. I'm really looking forward to them; I think I'll learn a lot going to them.
Yesterday my husband and I were almost in a car accident again. It would not have been our fault this time if the car had hit us. It was really scary though. I was almost t-boned again. My husband barely missed getting hit. It brought flashbacks from a couple months ago when we were t-boned. Needless to say, I'm still afraid of cars, or maybe just Georgia drivers in general. My knee still hasn't fully recovered from that accident, but it's getting better.
Lately Shiro (my cat) has been acting strange. He's not the cuddling type, but every morning he cuddles with me for a while. I really like that, but I can't help but wonder why he's doing that. That's not normal of him. He's playing with one of his toys at the moment, and I'm enjoying watching him do that.
Last week, I actually had a couple of good days without really having any episodes. It was really nice. My episodes can be quite draining on me. I'm sure they can be draining on people around me too. I always feel so alone in my struggles, like no one understands me. If no one can understand my pain, how can they help me? I'm so used to people abandoning me or insulting me, that it surprises me whenever anyone sticks by me or says something nice about me. It's the reason why I don't accept compliments very well. I've had so many years hearing the opposite, that I just can't believe anything nice anyone says about me. I have a lot of false humility. People have told me in the past that they thought I was humble, but I've always known I'm not humble. I have a lot of self-hatred, and I have a lot of self-focus. We often equate someone who is humble to not think highly of themselves, but what humility really is, is someone who doesn't have a lot of self-focus. If you're like me and have a lot of self-hatred, it does not mean you are humble. If you have a lot of self-focus, even if it's negative self-focus, that's false humility.
I've lost 13 lbs in three weeks (didn't lose anything last week though) and gone down one dress size! I'm on a new diet a friend from Celebrate Recovery is helping me with. I've cut out bread, potatoes, rice, and sweets. It's been tough but worth it I think. I'm going to be trying to do more walking. I'm just hoping I'll be getting more energy. I'm always so tired, and honestly, being on this new diet has made me even more exhausted. I can barely make it to 8:30 at night! I'm 28 years old, I should not be going to bed that early!
This weekend my husband is going to interview me on his podcast on suicide awareness. It's going to be really difficult because I have no idea how deep he's going to want me to get. I don't know what all he's going to want me to share. I'm honestly really nervous about it. I hope I'll be able to help people, even if it's just one person.
I've been going through the Apocrypha. I've never read them before so I thought it'd be a good idea to go through them. I'm currently reading Judith. I recently finished Tolbit and really liked it. I've been thinking about writing a blog on Tolbit, but I haven't really figured out what I would write about it.
(I did not cut/self-harm at the time of this writing)
I'm falling apart....
My insides churn....
My mind betrays me.....
I can't even cry anymore.....
I'm tired.....exhausted from the war that goes on in my mind.....
It's a struggle to even get out of bed every day.....
So much darkness.....
I clench my fist......
I see a deep red, flowing down my arm.....
It's warm.....
I don't want to live like this, but there's so much darkness.....
Where is the light?
The darkness swallows me, and I can't escape......
I expect to feel a sting like every other time I do this, but there's no sting. Have I become numb?
I look at my arm, there's no deep red. It's still dripping down the blade though. Did I hallucinate it all?
I press the blade against my arm as I prepare to do it again, but a hand touches mine....there's blood dripping down it.
I don't understand, why is this other hand bleeding but not my arm?
"You don't have to do this."
"I can't keep living like this! It hurts so much! I just want the pain to end! I need some relief! This is the only way I'll get any relief, even if it's only for a short time...."
"Rely on me."
I look at the hand dripping with blood and I see the cuts I had made, I actually cut this other arm. How is that possible? Why are my cuts on someone else?
"I-I don't understand...."
"You don't need to punish yourself anymore. I took your punishment for you."
Suddenly, a tear falls from the corner of my eye.
"I can never forgive myself for my sins.....my sins consume me, and I have to pay for all of them."
"Which sin do you have to pay for that I have not already paid for?"
I pause for a moment....
"My birth. I should've never come into existence. I'm a curse to everyone around me. A leech that sucks people dry. A disease that won't go away."
"If you never should've come into existence, you wouldn't be here. I would've never made you. You would've never been a thought that came across my mind at the beginning of existence. Indeed, from the very beginning of time, you were on my mind."
I look up at their face, and they smile.
"As for your real sins, I've already forgiven and forgotten them. You don't have to punish yourself any longer."
"This-this is the light that I've been searching for so long. He's been here all along." I thought to myself.
"You don't have to drown in darkness anymore. Cry out to me and I will come to your rescue. I will not let the darkness take you away from me."
I drop the blade. I can't hold back the tears any longer. I fall into His arms bawling my eyes out. I finally have hope.
I've been accused of being lazy many times by people and it's frustrating. I'm really not lazy (well, maybe a little lazy at times). If you've been following my blog, you know I struggle with a lot of different mental illnesses, depression being one of them. When my mental illnesses are acting up, they can be very crippling - to the point it's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed. I'd rather just sleep my problems away and hope that I won't wake up one of these days. It takes everything I have to just get out of bed every morning. It takes everything I have to do just about anything. Sometimes it's so bad I can't even eat (I have to force myself to even do that). I'd rather not have to face my demons every day. I'd rather just lay in bed and pretend that nothing matters. I'd rather just numb everything. It hurts - a lot; and when I get accused of being lazy when I am putting so much effort in just surviving, that just adds salt on the wound. My mind is a VERY dark place to be. I don't think most people could last even five minutes in my mind. Lucky for them, they don't have to. Unfortunately, I live there 24/7.
Depression is a beast, and sometimes it seems impossible to beat. Some people are able to with medications. For other people it's temporary. For some of us though, it's constant, and medication doesn't always work. For me, I can't take antidepressants - they make my depression worse and I become even more suicidal. So what do I do? I go through A LOT of therapy and support groups. Sometimes they help, other times I feel stuck. Like I'm in this pit and I can't get out. Like I'm drowning in darkness and despair, and I can't breathe. I just want it to be over. I just want it all to be over....
I'm not lazy, I'm heavily depressed. It takes everything I have to not do anything drastic. It often hurts to even just breathe. Sometimes I can't do things most people can do, not because I'm lazy, but because I literally cannot make myself do them. I spend so much energy trying to fight my demons that I have none left for anything else. I'm nearly 28 years old and you know how exhausting it can be to fight? I went to bed at 8:30 last night! I may be an early bird when it comes to going to bed but not THAT early! I am fighting a battle that often feels like a losing one. Every day I go on living is a victory. Every time I get out of bed is a victory. If you can't see that, I don't know what to tell you.
If you struggle with depression and people think you're lazy, you're not alone. They just don't understand what we go through. Keep getting out of bed when you can. Keep fighting those demons. Keep living. Don't give up. No matter how difficult the battle is, no matter how much it hurts, keep going.
It's been one year today since my childhood idol Chester Bennington took his life. When I first heard about it a year ago, my heart was shattered. If he couldn't overcome his obstacles, how could I overcome mine? There were 30% more calls to the suicide hotline than normally that day. I guess I wasn't the only one who thought if he couldn't overcome his obstacles, I probably couldn't either. In his last album he recorded with Linkin Park, I wish he had listened to the lyrics to his song "One More Light." If he had realized that there are people who loved him (and I don't mean just his fans, but his friends and family too), would he have stayed? See, depression is tricky - it lies to us. It tells us we're completely alone. It tells us no one loves us. It tells us no one understands us. It tells us that we're failures no matter what we do.
Do I feel suicidal still? Sometimes. But I've chosen not to give into it and go through with it since the car accident. I do understand feeling depressed. I understand how living with mental illnesses can be a living hell. I understand feeling desperate to escape, and feeling like the only way out is through death. But it won't accomplish anything good. Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it transfers it.
I think we need to change how we report suicide though. The media is very good with giving details on how a person died. Whenever they've reported on a suicide, they don't just say "died by suicide." They give the details on how that person killed themselves. This can be a trigger for people who struggle with suicidal ideations. Instead of giving the details, just report that the person has passed. If you must report that it was a suicide, just leave it at that, they died by suicide. Don't give the details on how the person killed themselves.
If you are feeling suicidal, please, talk to someone about it. Your life is precious, even if your depression tells you differently.
Hey y'all, I have some updates (I haven't written in a couple months/since the car accident).
My husband has a new car thanks to my parents. My dad gave my husband his car (thanks mom and dad!) and we love it! It's got duel temperature change in it, which my husband is very pleased to have. I tend to freeze my husband in the car so now I can live in the arctic and he can live in the desert in the car, lol 😂
We are still working on my medications. I developed a new unpleasant side effect with my medications - restless legs syndrome. I'm pacing back and forth nearly all day, every day. It got to the point where I couldn't really sleep at night because no matter how exhausted I am, my legs feel like they have to keep moving. It's gotten a little better now though. I'm still pretty restless during the day, but my legs are starting to calm down at night (thank God!).
I don't know how well this is going to go to share this, but I'm going to share anyway.....
For a while now (the past few months especially), I've had an emptiness feeling. We've gone to a good church for the past few years. There's nothing wrong with our church really. The people are also very kind and welcoming. Unfortunately, there's a couple of things. I've been feeling like I'm missing something in my faith. I haven't completely figured out what exactly it is I'm missing, but I'm on a journey to figuring out what it is I'm missing. There's nothing wrong with the preaching, don't get me wrong. But I don't feel like I'm really being "fed" anymore. I'm not really learning anything anymore. On top of that, I can't really serve at the moment. Mentally-wise, I'm too "sick" still to do much serving. I hate to say also, some of my passion I used to have for God has gone away (maybe that's what I'm missing?). I'm working on getting that passion back though. In my journey of finding what it is I'm lacking in my faith, I've been exploring Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy. My husband is researching as well, though we're different in this. There's a strong possibility I could convert to Eastern Orthodoxy, while with my husband it isn't as likely he'll convert. We've started going to a Greek Orthodox Church every other week for liturgy on Sundays, and we try to make it for their Wednesday night services too. In September, we'll be attending catechism classes. It's definitely a different experience than what I'm used to going to, but it's different in a good way I think. The first time I went to their liturgy service, I was nearly moved to tears. It was absolutely beautiful. I don't know what it is, but I feel like whatever it is I'm missing in my faith, I'm going to find it here. While emotionally I'm still experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, it's been helping me somehow. I feel calmer, and when I start struggling, I try to recite the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") over and over and usually, it actually helps! I know it may upset some people that I might not be Protestant anymore, but I'm still a Christian. I'm still following Christ! I just might be differently than some of you. I have a couple icons and a prayer bracelet. For my birthday(which is coming up in a month), I'm hoping to get the Orthodox Study Bible, as well as my favorite Jesus icon (Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd icon). I think the Study Bible might help me learn more about Orthodoxy too. I've been doing some reading, talking to some people about it, and watching videos about it as well. I listen to a lot of the chants on YouTube throughout the day too. It helps me focus more on God and calms me. I actually find myself looking forward to going to church now, which hasn't been for a while. I have nothing against the church we went to before. On the contrary, I loved that church. They were really good to my husband and me. If someone asked me to recommend a church to go to, it would be one of the ones I'd recommend. I guess I'm just changing. But change can be good sometimes too 😌
It's been an interesting week. My medications still aren't working and my suicidalness has been getting worse. Over the weekend, I wanted to jump out of the car and off a bridge or into a semi. I even thought about drowning myself in the bathtub or in the swimming pool. Monday, I ended up cutting myself after almost nine months being sober from it. It's a bit of a bummer I won't be able to get that nine month chip next week, but as they say I've gotta just "keep coming back" to Celebrate Recovery.
Yesterday, I saw a therapist which helped some. Afterwards, my husband and I were heading to Wal Mart. We had to make a left turn and our light was a caution one (excuse my poor grammar, it's 5 am and I've hardly had any sleep). He thought the driver in the other lane was letting us go, so he proceeded to make the left turn. He didn't see the truck in the lane next to it though. I saw the truck as we were turning though. It all happened in slow motion from my perspective, until we were hit. We were t-boned and the impact was on my side of the vehicle. There was broken glass everywhere, including all over me. My knee had actually made an indent in the glove compartment. I felt like I had blood on my knees. The airbags went off and as the car settled, I couldn't breathe and I was sorta out of it. I thought maybe I had been stabbed in the chest by glass because I was in so much pain and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't really move either. I thought I was going to die. When the impact happened, I was at peace. Afterwards though, I was sorta scared about dying. I was worried about my husband. I was afraid if I died, he would never forgive himself. I wanted to go to sleep but I kept telling myself in my head, "Don't go to sleep." I didn't know how bad my injuries were. I was worried about my husband's back though; he has scoliosis and has a steel rod in his back. He managed to be able to get out of the car and walk around a bit. My door was jammed though. The fire department had to cut my door off the car to get me out. Our car key broke too, so we couldn't turn the car off. I had to have help getting out of the car. It hurt just to breathe. The EMT helped me walk to the ambulance and my husband was there waiting for me. As I got out of the car, I saw I wasn't bleeding. I had some cuts, but no blood. They put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. My husband was laying on the bench next to me. I think they were concerned about his back too because they had to strap him down to make sure he didn't move on the ride to the hospital. I saw how bad our car looked (it was a Honda Civic) and I knew, we were lucky our injuries weren't as bad as they could've been. I also knew that if I hadn't had my seatbelt on, I most likely would've died because I would've been catapulted out of the car. Glass was all over in the car and outside. It was in my hair, on my clothes, even in my shoes and socks! I usually wear sandals (it's nearly summer atm), but I chose to wear sneakers. If I had worn sandals, my feet would've been a lot worse off. While they were cutting the door off on my side of the car, I actually found myself thanking God that I hadn't died, weird since I've been so suicidal right? There had been smoke coming out of our car, and I was afraid the car was going to explode or something. I've never been in a big accident before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect.
As we were heading to the hospital in the ambulance, I called both my husband and my parents and let them know what happened. I told my mom which hospital we were heading to. My husband kept talking and talking and I was trying to process everything (and I was still a bit out of it). I wanted to tell him to just shut up for a minute, lol. I knew it was how he was trying to process things though, so I let him talk.
We get to the hospital and they tell us that we have to be in separate rooms. I knew my husband wasn't happy about that, especially since he was so worried about me. They get me in the bed and as they were helping me dress in the hospital gown, they asked if I had the welts on my right side before - I hadn't had them before. My breathing, though it still hurt, was beginning to get a little better. I was glad they didn't have to give me an IV (I hate those things). They did some x-rays. They checked my right foot, my right knee, and my chest. Everything came back as normal - no broken bones, though I did have soft-tissue injuries. There was glass still in my hair, the dr found some in my back, and in my knee. They weren't big pieces though, just small shards. My husband kept having nurses come check on me. They said I was going to have some pretty bad bruising, but other than that, I was well enough to be discharged. I couldn't really walk still though, so they put me in a wheelchair. They rolled me off into my husband's room. He had been okay too, though they kept him a little longer than me because they were worried about his ribs. I was relieved his back was okay. His knee was skinned up more than mine though - his knee actually did bleed. When I got in his room, he started crying. He was afraid of what could've happened to me. I kept trying to reassure him that I was still there though. He kept apologizing and I told him I wasn't upset with him. The dr said for the next few days we're going to feel like we have the flu (I think because of the achy-ness).
We were discharged, and I had to be wheeled off to my mom's car; my husband walked to it though (slowly). While we were in the car, my mom took us to Subway to get some sandwiches (I needed to take my psych meds as soon as possible and I need food in order to take them). It was difficult getting in and out of her car. I also noticed I had a little anxiety in the car, especially when we'd make left turns. It wasn't a panic or anything, but it was just a little bit of anxiety. We got home and our apartment is on the third floor. I was not thrilled to have to climb up the steps. We managed to be able to get up to our apartment though without needing any help. The first thing I did was see Shiro (our cat) and I was thankful he wasn't in the car. Then I went to get a quick shower to get all the glass out. There was still glass in my shoes and socks. My purse strap had ripped off too so I'm going to have to get a new one. The shower actually didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I had to have some help getting dressed though. Moving my knee and bending over hurts a lot. The left side of my chest is pretty much completely blue and purple. My breathing was much better too, though it still hurt to breathe. My stomach started to hurt too. I had really bad nausea after the accident, but the nausea was getting better. My mom came back after picking up our prescription (some pain meds), some ice packs, and a few groceries. She helped us put some laundry in the dryer too. My mom was a lot of help and we're grateful for that.
When we had gotten to the hospital, I had posted on Facebook that we had been t-boned and were in the hospital, but we were okay. I got a lot of comments and text messages that people were praying for us and they were checking if we were okay. It really touched me that people were worried about us. We were lucky our injuries weren't worse considering how bad off our car was. I'll tell you what though, my husband and I like Honda's now for sure!
It's been a rough night; been waking up just about every hour (both of us). We've been in a lot of pain and have a really hard time getting comfortable. I normally lay on my side because it's easier to sleep that way when you're as heavy as I am, but I've been having to lay on my back because both sides hurt. I bit my tongue in two places in the accident. I had lost some feeling in those places but I did get the feeling back for the most part - they hurt though lol. We're going to have to get a new car though; our car was totaled.
After the accident, I'm actually thankful I survived, and with very minor injuries. Sure it hurts to breathe and walk, and even just laying down, but it's better than what could've happened. We were blessed to not be worse off than we are. I actually haven't had any nightmares, though I think that's because I haven't really had any deep sleep either. I keep seeing that truck about to hit us though over and over again. It was as if it were in slow motion, but once we were hit everything happened so quickly. I was surprised our glasses hadn't broken either. I was also glad that the other two people in the truck were okay (though they were injured too. I don't know much beyond that though because they were taken to a different hospital). Legally, it was our fault, so we have a ticket and a court hearing sometime shortly after my birthday in a couple months.
I think I have a new perspective on life (or at least, at the moment I do). Life really is precious, and I've always believed that, but now, maybe mine is too. I easily could've died or at least been seriously injured, but I wasn't. I guess God really was looking out for us. My brain is a bit frazzled. I'm having a difficult time remembering things (though I remember the accident VERY well). Again, it could've been much worse.
Thank you everyone who were checking on us and praying for us. It's much appreciated.
* Trapped
* Stuck
* Empty
* Heavy Burdened
* Worthless
* Everything is Pointless
* A Burden for Everyone
* Giving Up
* Depressed
* Paranoid
* Tired
* Stressed
* Lonely
* Sick
I don't really know how I'm going to get past all this, or even if I'm going to get past them. I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to fight for my life, but I feel it's a losing fight. I just want it all to end - all the pain. I'm tired of feeling the list above. I just want some relief. Is it so much to ask for? I feel like God has turned away from me, though I know He hasn't. It's as if he doesn't hear my cries for help, or see the tears I cry. Every. Single. Day. My life is a wreck. I'm a prisoner in my head. It's a dark place to be, and if I'm left there alone for too long, I won't make it. Yet I can't seem to be able to get out of my head. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm going to have to wear a mask because no one can handle me anymore. I guess all I can do is keep fighting....no matter how weak I feel.
When you live with mental illness, it can often feel like there's no hope left. I know for me, I've been really feeling that way for nearly the past three months. My world seems to be crashing down. I feel like every little bit I hold onto, it slips out of my hands. Like I'm drowning, gasping for air, but more water is filling my lungs. I beg God to rescue me, yet at the same time I keep saying, "Your will be done." I try to remind myself no matter what, God wants what's best for me and isn't going to just reject me. He's not going to forget about me. No matter what pain I may be having to endure, He's going to be there with me. I'm nowhere near perfect with this though. When you have paranoia, it's difficult, to say the least, to remember that God has your best interest. Our best interest may not be what we think is best for us, but He knows what's best for us more than we do - He created us after all! Though, I'm starting to think, maybe it doesn't matter what's in my best interest. Maybe, what matters is what's in HIS best interest. By this I mean what if it doesn't matter so much what's best for me, what will help me, or what will protect me. What if what really matters is the glory we bring Him? What if what really matters is serving Him, rather than serving ourselves? I know, you may be thinking, "Isn't that what you say already? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" It is. I often say I want to serve God. I try my best to serve God (I'm nowhere near perfect at it). I'm starting to wonder though, what if my words say I serve God, but my actions say otherwise? It's not easy for a mentally healthy person, it's DEFINITELY not easy for a mentally sick person. For so much of my life I've focused on protecting myself, yet where has that gotten me? Am I more protected now than I was before?
Last night, I got my eight month chip at Celebrate Recovery for not cutting. I've got to say, this was my hardest one to get. With everything that has been going on, I honestly started to think I didn't even care about getting the chip anymore. I just wanted some relief. I had a couple of really close calls. My husband had to stop me. God-willing though, I managed to be able to get it. So much hope has been lost in me. I'm trying so hard to fight this lifelong battle, but it often feels like a losing fight. I don't really feel like I'm living anymore, just existing. I know with my own strength, I will not win this fight. With the help from others, and especially with the help from God, I can do this. There is hope for the morning. Every day may seem like the same miserable day, but every morning is a new sunrise, and every sunrise promises a new chance - a new beginning.
It's been a difficult week - heck, it's been a difficult two months! I've been really feeling like I'm a burden for people, especially now that I know my meds aren't going to help some of my problems like I had hoped....
So I had been thinking that I would just shut everyone out. I wouldn't be a burden or a problem for anyone then. Everyone would just have to forget about me. I made a realization though today - or at least, for today I've realized it. There are people who do love me. My paranoia often says no one does, and that everyone will leave me; but there are people who won't leave me. My paranoia remembers there have been people in the past who said they loved me, and left me alone in the end when I needed them most; but there are people who really [might] not leave me. I do have friends who care about me, and very well could possibly remain with me for a long time, if not forever! So why would I shut them out?
After making this realization, it made me realize that through all these struggles, through all my stupid mental illnesses, maybe there is a blessing behind it. If I were "normal," which is something I have always wanted to be, it'd be more difficult to know who my real friends are. Whether you're mentally sick like me or are considered normal, there are always going to be people who hate you, who stab you in the back, who abandon you. While it's still difficult knowing who my real friends are, since I am mentally sick (and my paranoia tells me there are no real friends), at the same time it weeds out the "savior complex" people. The people who only want to be friends with me because they see me as a project. "I can fix her! I can save her!" When they realize they can't, they leave. While this hurts tremendously, it shows me they weren't real friends to begin with. They never truly loved me. There are those who did used to love me, but eventually they stopped. Now that I may never truly be better though, I'll be able to see who really are going to stick around. The ones who truly do love me will be with me through all this - despite how sick I am.
Now I'm not excusing myself from trying to improve myself. No, I'm still going to try my best to control my moods and emotions. I'm still going to try to not listen to my paranoia. But when I screw up, when I act like a jerk, my true friends will still be there. It doesn't mean they'll approve of my behavior, but they won't leave me.
Perhaps I'm expecting too much out of people. Then again, I don't really expect people to hang around me for a long time anymore. After being dropped so many times, it surprises me when they stay. I will do my best to be a good friend. I will do my best to learn how to have more self-control. I will do my best to remember even during my paranoia episodes that there are people who really do love me and won't leave me.
I love y'all! Thanks for staying by my side through all this!
If you've been following my blog from the past few entries, you know I've been having a really difficult time. If you haven't, I'll try to speed you up.
For the past two months, my psych meds have stopped working. On top of that, there have been some, circumstances, that have caused things to be worse for me. Things have been so bad that I had made plans on Good Friday to end my life. Obviously, I'm still here. With the help of a few people, I managed to not make an attempt. I decided for the sake of others, I would not try to end my life. I kept trying to believe that eventually, my meds will work and help A LOT. I never thought they would cure me, but I thought they'd make my life a lot easier, not just for me, but for people who have to deal with me.
Today I saw my psychiatrist. He increased the dosage to my antipsychotic and my sleeping medications, but other than that, he said there's nothing more he can do to help me. In other words, meds aren't going to save me. Medications are not going to help me control my moods, emotions, or paranoia. The only thing they'll help is my hallucinating. This has been very discouraging for me. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this crap from me. No one should have to deal with me being super depressed one moment, then blowing up in a fit of rage the next moment. Everything is so extreme for me - it's exhausting. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I've thought about isolating even more than I already do - just blocking everyone out of my life so they don't have to deal with me anymore. I really feel like that's what's best for everyone - at this point at least anyway. If I can figure out how to get these things under control, then yea, I'll bring them back in. Blocking people out would not be easy for me though. There are two big fears I have: going crazy, and being completely alone. I already feel like I've gone crazy, and now I feel like I am going to have to be completely alone (well, nearly. Being that my husband lives with me, it's kinda hard to shut him out).
I don't want to shut people out, I really don't. There are a few I especially don't want to shut out. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it....
I don't want to be alone. I'm in turmoil over this. Either way, people will be hurt. They'll either get hurt being around me long enough, or they'll be hurt if I shut them out. I can't win either way. I'm such a people pleaser....
I haven't decided to do this yet. For one thing, I know isolating is a really bad thing to do. But is it bad if I'm doing it to protect others from me? I'm not doing it to protect myself this time - but to protect other people. I don't know though....
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up yet. I made a promise to a few people that I wouldn't kill myself, nor would I cut. If this is my cross I have to bear, then so be it. But it's a heavy one, and others don't have to carry it with me. I don't want to burden anyone, and I don't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily. Most people can't carry this burden with me, and end up leaving me. They tend to have a "savior complex" with me. They look at me and think, "I can fix her! I can save her!" But when they realize they can't, I drain them....and they leave me. I know there are some who want to carry this with me, but I don't want to drain them too. Right now, my goals are to get better, stronger, more self-control, and no longer being a problem for people. I don't know how I'll do that, but with God on my side, I'm certain it can happen. In the meantime though, I don't want anyone to suffer on my behalf. That is why I am considering to just being alone.....
We'll see what happens. Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
I'm desperate for relief. The pain torments me day and night. My chest hurts from my heart aching so much. I flood my pillow with my tears daily. Everything with me is so extreme and out of control - my moods, my emotions, my depression, and my paranoia. I weep every day in fear that I will lose everyone I care so deeply about - that I will be completely alone. Others who I have cared for, and I had thought cared about me, turned their backs on me. Who is to say those who care about me now won't do the same? I don't know how much more I can take of all of this. I'm beyond my breaking point, and I wonder if I'll ever recover. Even if I get the right medications and the right dosages, will I ever be restored? Or will I just be numb - an empty shell just getting by in life. Will there ever be life in my eyes? Will I always be surrounded by darkness, or will I ever be surrounded in light? I will put my trust in you though, O LORD. On my own strength, I am doomed for failure. In my weakness though, you are strong. If this is my cross to bear, then so be it. With you, I will continue to fight this war; and with you, I know I will be victorious. The enemy may try to wear me down, but I will not give in to him. He is nothing but a small flea compared to your great and amazing power. Your grace will sustain me. My pain will only be for a moment, compared to the great joy I will have with you for eternity some day - but that day will not come by my own hands. I may cry tears of sorrow now, but some day I will cry tears of joy when I see you face to face. I may be surrounded by darkness now, but some day I will be bathed in your light. By your grace and mercy, I will make it through this. No matter what pain or sorrow I have, I will not leave you - not again. I was a fool to have left you in the past; to think you did not want me anymore. But you showed me I was wrong, and you love me more than I could ever imagine. Therefore, no matter what I go through, I will give you glory through it all. I will praise your name no matter what I'm going through or how I'm feeling. May you be glorified in my suffering and in my healing. I thank you for the people in my life, whether they be here with me forever or for a short while. You have blessed me with much, even though I have so little to give. So much of me has been stolen away by those who have abused me - but you still love me for who I am, and you take what I have left to give. I give you all that is left of me. Take and use what you will. You use who the world considers foolish to bring you glory. May you also, use me to bring you glory. I'm completely broken now, but I know one day, I will be whole again. Until then, may my life be a living sacrifice to you. If my suffering can bring even one person into your kingdom, then it has all been worth it. To you be all the glory. Amen.
Happy late Easter (I know I'm really late)! I made it through Easter weekend (which is a miracle in itself). I had decided that over the Easter weekend, I would not end my life, but I couldn't promise how long after that I could keep going. A couple nights ago, I had a couple dreams.
I tried to kill myself (both in the same way), the way I had planned to do it. I survived in them though, and with very little physical damage. But I had to live with the consequences of really hurting people. I woke up wondering if maybe God gave me these dreams to show me if I go through with it, this is what could happen. I don't want to hurt anyone - I just get really desperate and feel like it's the only way I'll get any relief.
A couple weeks ago I begged God to show me I'm worth more alive than dead, and this past week I think he's really been reaching out to me, showing me that I am worth more alive than dead. I don't know if these dreams came from him, but it's definitely something to consider. I mean, if they are from him, I probably should listen right? So yesterday, I made the decision that as long as I still have a little sanity left, I won't consider suicide anymore. If I completely lose my mind I can't promise what I may or may not do though.
I told my husband, my sponsor, a couple of friends, and my mom what my plan had been. I figured if I told them, it would keep me from actually doing them. I kinda regret telling them, but I know it was probably the right thing to do. I will not be revealing it here though so I don't give anyone any ideas or trigger anyone.
I still have a long ways in healing, and my meds still need a lot of work done, but I know this is what I have to do. Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate them and I hope you will continue to pray for my healing. Thank you again.
Tomorrow is Good Friday - the day we remember when Jesus died for us to save us. I have some confessions to make. I don't know how many people will read this, but, here it goes.
My medications have not been working for over a month. I don't know what happened, but they just stopped being effective all-together. I knew I was Bipolar, but I didn't know just how Bipolar I am. My emotions have been all over the place, even emotions I don't even know what they are! It's been quite exhausting. There have been some things over the past few weeks that have added onto that stress. To top it all off, I had hardly slept for a week. My mind has been a very dark place to be. My paranoia has been pretty bad (thinking people are conspiring against me, talking about me, working against me, going to leave me, etc).
For a very long time, I have tried to fight for my life. Recently, I realized I've been fighting this since I was a little kid. I have wanted to die for nearly all my life. Of course, the severity hasn't always been as bad, but it seems like the severity keeps getting worse. In my life, I have made three attempts (two drug overdoses and I tried to slit my wrists once). A couple weeks ago, I had finally reached my breaking point - I snapped. I couldn't do this anymore. I'm completely drained: physically, mentally, and emotionally. So last week, I had made a decision - I would end my life on Good Friday. All my other attempts were done out of rashness, but this time it was planned. Good Friday seemed like a good day to do it, that's when Jesus died right? Earlier this week (Monday), I made a goodbye video on my phone. I figured once I'm gone, my husband might look around on my phone and find it.
I had been praying for a while, begging God, to show me that I'm worth more alive than dead. That if he's really here with me, that he'd show me somehow that I'm not going through this alone. I had everything planned out: day, time, how I was going to do it, and even what my final conversation with a friend was going to be like. My plan quite frankly, was flawless. I did my research. I would either die or end up in a coma. I tried to harden my heart through all of this. I had/ve so much pain, and the added pain of thinking about how my death would effect others wasn't helping either. I'd try to numb myself without cutting (earlier this week I got my 7 month chip for not cutting). I just kept repeating to myself, "just push it down, numb it." I started not to care about things anymore. Things that I used to enjoy didn't matter anymore. Whatever life I once had, I didn't have in me anymore. I isolated a lot. I only went places because I had to. I didn't talk to very many people either (though I don't talk to very many people anyway). I pretty much only talked to my husband, family, and a friend. I didn't want to be around anyone - I didn't want anyone to have to deal with me. People who were around me were paying for it because of my uncontrollable emotions and paranoia. I tried to prepare my husband for the inevitable, but can someone really be prepared to lose a loved one from suicide? I asked my friend to take care of my husband when I'm gone. Any little bit of hope I had before was gone.
Then this week happened.
Monday evening we went to see the new Paul movie with my parents. While we were waiting for the movie to start, my mom was talking about Easter. She wanted us to all get together for dinner for Easter and was asking me where I'd want to go. I felt really guilty about it because I figured, "I'll be gone before then." I couldn't tell her I wouldn't be around for Easter. So I just said I had no preference. Then during the movie, there was a scene where Luke was about to be in "Nero's Circus." He was telling the other Christians who were going to be in it "The pain will only be for a moment." It made me think, "What if the pain I've been going through for so long, is really, only for a moment?" After the movie on the way home, I told my husband that I had made plans for very soon. I didn't tell him when or how, but that it was very soon and he needed to be prepared for it. I told him I had made a video as well. When we got home he was bawling his eyes out, screaming, and hitting things. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know how to comfort him. Every night we pray together and when he was praying, he literally prayed for two hours! Around 11:30 I told him, "I really need to get to sleep." Pretty much the entire night he was crying and in the morning. I had told my friend that I had made plans for very soon too.
Tuesday morning.
Nick called the crisis line and I talked to my friend. I told him the day I had planned, but not the time or how. He said he had suspected that day. I told him what my final conversation with him was going to be like, and he said, "And that's how you're going to repay my friendship?" I felt even guiltier. How do you repay someone's kindness and friendship, by telling them, "You've been a good friend, and I've really appreciated it. I have really enjoyed talking to you for the past couple weeks. Thank you for being such a good friend to me"? He even said he went to his church, got on his knees, and prayed for me! What kind of person does that? I can only remember getting on my knees three times - ever! But he got on his knees to pray for me. That really touched me. My husband's tears touched me as well.
Then suddenly my phone was blowing up. Hardly ever does anyone text me or call me, it's always me contacting people. But on the day when I'm not really wanting to talk to anyone, EVERYONE wants to talk to me!
I told my husband and my friend that they were really being a thorn in my side. I wanted to end my life and they were making it more difficult for me to do it. I did eventually tell my husband the day I had planned (as well as my mom), and they both had a feeling about it as well. I must be pretty predictable. Anyway, if Monday I was 95% sure I was going to go through with my plan on Good Friday (tomorrow), I was now at a 65%. I had an emergency meeting with my therapist that day (as well as Celebrate Recovery), and then the next day (yesterday) I had an emergency visit with my psychiatrist. Later today I see my other therapist. I told my sponsor yesterday too. I got my meds changed and I can tell you, last night I slept the entire night. This was the first time since I was a kid that I slept the entire night! I'm still around 65% though. I think once my emotions get under control, it will be easier to deal with the other stresses going on in my life.
I've pretty much abandoned my plan for tomorrow and I'm still trying to fight it. I don't know how long I can continue to fight it though. I wish I could have hope like usually in the end of this entry, but I'm not at the point where I really have much hope still. I do, however, think that my prayer was answered, as well as other people who have been praying for me. I ask that you would continue to pray for me, and that my meds will work too.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
I had a very rough week, and today I found out a dear friend of mine has passed away. It's been really tough getting through each day. I've wanted to give up. I've come close to giving up. But there has been something that has been helping me get through each day - my friends, my spouse, and my family. The people who really care about me. I don't want to cause grief for anyone, especially my husband. I really don't want to get into details, but something happened last week and it just made me snap. I'm doing better now though. I spent nearly all week grieving, and then yesterday I realized, "I need to get up and get going. I can't just lay in bed crying all day, every day!" So I got up, got a shower (I hadn't in a few days), got dressed, ate some dinner, and went walking. Surprisingly, getting out helped a little.
A lot of people don't know what happened last week, but the people who do have been there for me, helping me through it. If you're reading this and wondering why I didn't tell you about it, please don't be hurt or offended. I really didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to worry anymore people than there already were. To those who have been there with me through all this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Friendship is very important to me. I take my friendships very seriously - perhaps too seriously at times....
You look at my Facebook page and I have A LOT of friends on there; but most of them really aren't "friends." Some are only there for games I play. Some are only there because of my husband or my dad's ministries. And still others are there because, I don't know why. I know them, but they have literally forgotten who I am.....
I have some friends on there, but we don't really talk. There are very few people who will actually talk to me. I tend to be stressful for people - and who could blame them for avoiding me? As much as it pains me, I don't blame them. I'm a Negative Nancy pretty much ALL the time. You can probably tell (if you've read enough of my blogs) that I can be pretty dark. But I ALWAYS try to add hope in my blogs - true hope that is found in Jesus Christ. Not very many people can understand the darkness that surrounds me everywhere I go. But there are those, who through the kindness of their hearts, and with a lot of patience, have taken up the torch that many people have just dropped and left. People can't handle me usually, and that can be a pretty heavy burden to carry on my own. But some do make the effort, and while I wonder how long they can handle me, I'm grateful for them even attempting. I try very hard to be a good friend, but I often realize I'm not a very good one. I drain people, and usually it's too late by the time I realize I've done this.
"But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." I've spent a lot of time falling with no one to help me up - some of that is my own fault though. I tend to push people away, especially right after my trust has been broken. DON'T DO THIS! Be careful of who you trust of course, but don't push everyone away. Trust me, it's a very lonely place to be.....
"If either of them falls down, one can help the other up." I have certainly seen this past week that even though it's been very dark for me (and part of that is my medications weren't working properly), there have been people who have bore the burdens with me and helped me get back up - even encouraging me just to get out of bed! I hope that I'll be a friend like that, where I can be more encouraging than discouraging.
Again, to those who have been there for me through all this, I thank you so very much. May I be as good of a friend to you as y'all have been to me 😊
Creative writing by me
Darkness surrounds me
I'm covered with maggots feasting on my soul
My heart is shattered in a million pieces
I tried time and time again to put my heart back together
Every time though it shattered even more than before
I feel so alone
I feel so tired
I have no fight left in me
I have nothing left to give
Darkness surrounds me
I'm suffocating
There is no air here, just pure darkness
There is nothing but pain here
My soul is in torment
I wish I could harden my heart as stone; and as sharp as diamond
My heart is too tender, easily torn and broken
Darkness surrounds me
My pillow is covered in my tears
I'm drowning in my sorrows
There is nothing left for me
No pill can save me, no blade can numb me
No person can rescue me
The ground has swallowed me
I can't breathe, dirt is filling my lungs
Dirt is under my nails from trying to dig myself out
But I can't get out this time
It's time to accept my fate
I'm at the end of my rope
I'm out of oxygen
I'm out of strength
It's time to just shut my eyes and give up trying anymore
I'm done
NO! I can't give up!
I have to keep clawing at the dirt!
I have to get out!
I have to rip the maggots off!
I have to fight!
I'm trying to dig myself out, but more dirt is being piled on top of me
I'm tired, but I can't give up!
I keep clawing at the dirt
I'm exhausted
I tried to get out
I have no energy left
What's this?
A hand has reached down into the dirt and taken my hand!
I'm being pulled out!
I'm coughing the dirt out of my lungs
The maggots are falling off of me
The air feels nice
I can actually breathe now
My rescuer holds me
There's warmth in his embrace
He wipes my tears from my face
I was buried beneath the darkness, but now I'm breathing above in the light
He points to me the spot I had been buried; the place that was once full of darkness
I look, and there is a tiny plant growing
I ask him, "What is this plant?"
He answers, "The healing of your brokenness.
"Each time you overcome the darkness, it grows more."
I was confused, "But I didn't overcome the darkness, you came to my rescue!"
He smiles, "By depending on me, you overcome the darkness."
O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Psalm 13:1-3
I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.
Psalm 38:8
Hear my prayer, O LORD! Listen to my cries for help! Don't ignore my tears.
Psalm 39:12
I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.
Psalm 6:6
My spirit is crushed, and my life is nearly snuffed out. The grave is ready to receive me.
Job 17:1
"Let the day of my birth be erased, and the night I was conceived. Let that day be turned into darkness. Let it be lost even to God on high, and let no light shine on it. Let the darkness and utter gloom claim that day for its own. Let a black cloud overshadow it, and let the darkness terrify it. Let that night be blotted off the calendar, never again to be counted among the days of the year, never again to appear among the months. Let that night be childless. Let it have no joy. Let those who are experts at cursing - whose cursing could rouse Leviathan - curse that day. Let its morning stars remain dark. Let it hope for light, but in vain; may it never see the morning light. Curse that day for failing to shut my mother's womb, for letting me be born to see all this trouble. Why wasn't I born dead? Why didn't I die as I came from the womb? Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace. I would be asleep and rest.
Job 3:3-11; 13
He said, "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken away. Praise the name of the LORD!"
Job 2:21
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8
But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me.
Psalm 13:5-6
He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
Psalm 147:3
Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.
Psalm 50:15
"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
Matthew 5:4
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."
Creative writing by me
There's a poison in me that I can't get rid of.
I don't want to eat, but when I have to eat I feel like the poison is growing.
The poison is slowly killing me, starting with my brain.
My brain is so sick.....
It tells me things are there when there isn't.
It tells me everyone is disgusted when they see me.
It tells me everyone I love is going to leave me.
It tells me my greatest nightmares are real.
It tells me I'm all alone.
It tells me I'm worthless.
It tells me everyone would be better off if I were dead.
It encourages me to do things I don't want to do.
"Do it! Do it right now! No one will be able to stop you! End this once and for all! No one will care about what happens to you!"
"Go away!" I tell it.
The poison gets louder and louder.
I'm six feet below the ground.
I'm stuck in a coffin I can't get out of.
The poison has been making it's way through my body.
The food I once loved to eat is destroying me.
I'm pounding on the coffin.
"Get me out of here!"
No one can hear me though.
I'm stuck....suffocating with no air.
Soon I will decay, and maggots will eat me.
A tear falls from my face, knowing this is the end.
I close my eyes, accepting my fate, and utter under my breath "Jesus."
I hear something outside.
I feel my coffin being tugged violently.
I hear a banging on the top of the coffin.
My body is growing cold, I know there's no chance for me to make it out alive.
The oxygen is leaving me.
I hear a shout, "DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!"
Who was that?
The pounding gets louder and louder.
There is all of a sudden warmth coming in the coffin.
Where is this warmth coming from?
I'm starting to see the top of the coffin crack.
Am I actually going to be getting out of here alive?
The larger the cracks, the brighter the light is outside.
"YOU KEEP HANGING ON TO ME!" The voice yells.
A little glimmer of hope is arising in me.
The poison's voices are getting quieter - to the point I can barely hear them.
"Please help me!" I cry out.
"I'll get you out of here! Trust me!" The voice says.
Finally, I can see outside!
I'm above the ground!
I can finally breathe again!
I climb out of my coffin - no, a coffin. What was once considered mine is no longer mine.
I see my rescuer, smiling at me.
I run to him and I thank him. "You saved me!"
He chuckles a bit, "You called for me."
Gospel is the Greek word euaggelion, which translates to "Good News." What is the Good News? I'm glad you asked 😊
We are rebels of God - the Creator of the universe! We spat in his face and said, "I don't need you. In fact, I can do your job better than you can!" We break every law that he has given us:
1) No gods but the one true God
2) No idols
3) Don't misuse God's name
4) Remember the day of rest and keep it holy
5) Honor your mother and father
6) Don't murder/hate
7) Don't commit adultery/lust
8) Don't steal
9) Don't lie
10) Don't crave for someone else's belongings or spouse
Have you kept all of these all your life? I sure haven't. I've broken ALL of them - many on a daily basis! Breaking even one of these laws is deserving of the death penalty.
As the Scripture say, "No one is righteous - not even one. No one is truly wise; no one is seeking God. All have turned away; all have become useless. No one does good; not a single one. Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave. Their tongues are filled with lies. Snake venom drips from their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. They rush to commit murder. Destruction and misery always follows them. They don't know where to find peace. They have no fear of God at all."
Romans 3:10-17
We are ALL rebels. You may say, "That's ridiculous! How could anyone follow those laws perfectly?" Ah, but that's the point! The law was to show how much we need God because in the end, we can't save ourselves.
For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are.
Romans 3:20
So what is our verdict?
Death. Plain and simple. Death. If we're not caught right away, we will eventually be caught and executed for our crimes.
"But I'm a good person!"
For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.
Romans 3:23
You have broken the law, and you must suffer the consequences for it. There's no way out. You can't escape. Sounds pretty hopeless right?
In comes Jesus.
In a broken and corrupt world, there is a man who walked the earth who did not break a single law! He was God's Son who came humbly as an infant; and he grew up from a boy to a man. He was tempted just as we are, and yet he did not give in. He healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, rose the dead back to life, and exorcized demons. The people who acted like they had everything put together, he was not interested in. He hung out with those who had nothing - the poor, the needy, and people who knew they were broken. The religious leaders hated him because he made it clear to them that their piety was not going to save them from the wrath of God.
When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."
Mark 2:17
Jesus came for the broken. He came for the people who aren't perfect - you and me. He came for the people who don't have everything put together. He came for the people who need a savior! But those who thought they had everything together hated him. So they plotted to kill him. They arrested him one night (after one of his best friends betrayed him to them), even though he had done nothing wrong. He knew this was to come though. He was mocked and spat on. He was beaten to a pulp, unrecognizable as even a man.
But many were amazed when they saw him. His face was so disfigured he seemed hardly human, and from his appearance, one would scarcely know he was a man.
Isaiah 52:14
He was literally nailed (hands and feet) to a tree. Not once did he utter a harsh word to them. No, instead he said, "Father forgive them for they don't know what they're doing." He asked God to FORGIVE them! He didn't just ask God to forgive those who had crucified him though - he was asking God to forgive ALL people. All of us have fallen short, all of us have nailed him to the cross. He gave his life for all of us. His death pardoned our crimes because he took the death penalty for us.
But it doesn't stop there!
Three days later, he came back to life! The man who came to save the broken. The man who was executed in our place. He was risen back to life!
For the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23
How do we get this free gift of eternal life?
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.
Romans 10:9-10
So what is the Good News?
But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's condemnation.
Romans 5:9
The Good News is that through Jesus Christ you are no longer rebels! You are no longer prisoners! Your chains have been broken and you have been set free! You are a child of God! He is repairing our brokenness and one day, we will be completely repaired! He loves you SOOOOOOOO much, that he took your punishment onto himself. He wants to adopt you as his child. You were a rebel, and now you have the chance to be a son or daughter of God! He won't force himself on you though - it is YOUR choice whether to follow him, or to reject him. To reject him means death, but to embrace him means eternal life. It is your choice.
Ever feel alone in your struggles? Ever feel like no one understands you? Does life seem to be crushing you? Does it seem like no matter what you do, it's never good enough?
This is how I often feel. Often times I'll smile, but it's fake. In reality, I don't really remember how to smile. I try to smile, but it feels awkward. I often feel like I can't catch a break - there's always something trying to break me to my knees and I can't get back up. Sometimes I'll say jokingly (because I'd rather be cold, temperature-wise, than hot), "I like the cold, just like my soul." While I do say this as a joke, there's some half-truth in it too. I often feel like I'm a terrible person, if not one of the worst. I see the darkness in me and I hate it; and I try to get rid of it, but can't seem to be able to. It boggles my mind why anyone would want to be around me. With all my mental illnesses combined with my addictions, I often don't feel like people are able to understand me or even relate to me. I've been through so much rejection in my life, I sometimes wonder if it's even worth trying to be around other people - so I isolate myself. Who could understand me? Who could understand the darkness in me? Who could understand what it's like to have your brain and body turn on you? If you feel this way, know this: you're not alone and you are greatly loved.
We are ALL broken in some way. People may not always be so open about it like I am, some don't even realize how broken they are. I am open about my brokenness because
Three times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Hey, if God can love me, he can certainly love you! Scratch that, it's not that he CAN love you, but that he DOES love you! YOU are his pride and joy, and he understands how you feel. He knows how broken you are - and loves you regardless. We are not alone in our struggles, there are others who struggle with the same problems. Even if we were alone though, we're not because Christ understands our struggles. Even now I feel like breaking down and weeping (and I mean ugly crying) because there are times where it seems like everything is working against me - and it's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt. We weren't promised to have a perfect life. We were actually promised the opposite - life is going to be difficult.
"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."
John 15:18
It's been a tough week for me, and I've thought about throwing in the towel and saying, "That's it! I'm done! I give up! I can't do this anymore!" Seems like suicide is always in the back of my mind as an option....
But I refuse to give up! I've never seen myself as much of a fighter. When it comes to fight vs flight, I'm ALWAYS in flight mode. I'll try to fight back, but it always ends badly - so I end up being a doormat. Maybe I'm more of a fighter than I realize though. It's a struggle to get out of bed every day - yet I still get up. It's a struggle to not hurt myself in some way (in case you don't know, I self-sabotage everything), yet I'm still here - though that isn't completely my decision. I've tried to escape, I've tried to give up, but it didn't work. I'm still here.....
I often wonder why it is I'm still here, and I think I've figured out why. I can't give up. If I give up, what does that say about Christ? That he can't help me get through life? That he's not strong enough? That he doesn't care? No, I refuse to give up!
Yes, I am broken - perhaps even more broken than most people, but I'm not alone, just as YOU are NOT alone! Jesus is right there with you, saying, "I'm here! I'm with you! Just come to me! I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)!" Go to him. Let him help you. Let him comfort you. Let him hold you. Cry in his arms. He understands the pain and the frustrations in life. Let him in. I know that's difficult. It's difficult to let people in that you can see, hear, and touch; how can you with someone you can't? I'm not going to lie, it's REALLY difficult - but you can! I've seen enough things that can't be mere "coincidence" that he was active in my life (or others lives). He is there, and he has shown me over and over again that he's in control. Go ahead and say I'm crazy, or I'm delusional. Go ahead and try to break me - it's nothing that no one has tried to do before. I'm not going to give up though, because I know Christ won't give up on me either. I've been broken long enough to know I can't go through life alone. God has a lot of grace for me, and I know he does for you too. If he has grace for me, he has grace for you. If he can save a wretch like me, he can save you too.
