So I had been thinking that I would just shut everyone out. I wouldn't be a burden or a problem for anyone then. Everyone would just have to forget about me. I made a realization though today - or at least, for today I've realized it. There are people who do love me. My paranoia often says no one does, and that everyone will leave me; but there are people who won't leave me. My paranoia remembers there have been people in the past who said they loved me, and left me alone in the end when I needed them most; but there are people who really [might] not leave me. I do have friends who care about me, and very well could possibly remain with me for a long time, if not forever! So why would I shut them out?
After making this realization, it made me realize that through all these struggles, through all my stupid mental illnesses, maybe there is a blessing behind it. If I were "normal," which is something I have always wanted to be, it'd be more difficult to know who my real friends are. Whether you're mentally sick like me or are considered normal, there are always going to be people who hate you, who stab you in the back, who abandon you. While it's still difficult knowing who my real friends are, since I am mentally sick (and my paranoia tells me there are no real friends), at the same time it weeds out the "savior complex" people. The people who only want to be friends with me because they see me as a project. "I can fix her! I can save her!" When they realize they can't, they leave. While this hurts tremendously, it shows me they weren't real friends to begin with. They never truly loved me. There are those who did used to love me, but eventually they stopped. Now that I may never truly be better though, I'll be able to see who really are going to stick around. The ones who truly do love me will be with me through all this - despite how sick I am.
Now I'm not excusing myself from trying to improve myself. No, I'm still going to try my best to control my moods and emotions. I'm still going to try to not listen to my paranoia. But when I screw up, when I act like a jerk, my true friends will still be there. It doesn't mean they'll approve of my behavior, but they won't leave me.
Perhaps I'm expecting too much out of people. Then again, I don't really expect people to hang around me for a long time anymore. After being dropped so many times, it surprises me when they stay. I will do my best to be a good friend. I will do my best to learn how to have more self-control. I will do my best to remember even during my paranoia episodes that there are people who really do love me and won't leave me.
I love y'all! Thanks for staying by my side through all this!
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