Boundaries

I've had a really rough couple of weeks; I've been in a deep depression.  I've been going through the book "Boundaries" and once I finish that book I'll be reading a book on attachments.  I keep having the same problems with people over and over again.  I've actually been blaming God for them.  I think he's blessed me with something, and then he takes it away from me; but I've come to realize it's not him taking them away from me - in trying to pull them closer to me I end up pushing them away from me instead.  I keep getting into relationships where I feel really close to someone, and I end up losing them.  I didn't understand why this keeps happening, but now I know.....

First of all, I've never really understood how to establish healthy boundaries.  Either I have no boundaries or my boundaries are so high they can't be penetrated.  There's never been a healthy middle for me.  Generally, when other people have set up boundaries with me in the beginning of the relationship, I've done pretty good with respecting them.  If they start setting boundaries with me later though, I feel really hurt because I take it as they don't really want me.  My boundary issues isn't just with friends though, it's with my husband as well.  I'm not very good with receiving "no."  If my husband tells me no about something, I'll keep begging until I get a yes.  I talked with a friend who also has BPD about what I've been learning about my issues with boundaries and she knew EXACTLY what I was saying.  I guess boundary issues are pretty common with people who have BPD.

Another issue I learned I have is I've always wanted to have one special friend, but whenever I thought I had that special friend, I ended up draining them.  I didn't realize that having only one special friend is really not a good thing.  I need to have several good friends so I don't drain one good friend.  If one friend isn't available to talk, there are others I can talk to.  I get so scared to get close to people, I have a lot of trust issues.  Now I know how I've drained people though.  I put all my eggs in one basket, eventually that basket is going to break - along with all the eggs in it.  I've still got more I need to learn, I have more to read in the book, but this has been pretty eye-opening for me.

To the people I drained and didn't have healthy boundaries with, I'm really sorry.  I know it's too late for me to fix things, but I hope you'll one day forgive me.  I'm sorry I drained you, and I'm sorry I didn't respect your boundaries.  I hope I will learn and grow from all this and be a better person.  Thank you for the time and energy you did spend on me.  I hope I won't make the same mistakes again.