Suffering

I once had a close friend that I had told I had at the time I tried to end my life.  I had been friends with her nearly all my life.  She had seen the suffering I had been through growing up.  You know what she told me though?  "You've never suffered a day in your life."

I often feel like my suffering is unbearable.  My mind is full of darkness and I can't seem to be able to escape it.  I often find myself asking God to have mercy on me and to end my life.  You may think this is an overreaction, but in my mind, it's not.  I don't think people could last even five minutes in my head.  There are some days where in my tears I beg God to just let me die.  Now, I don't say I suffer more than anyone else.  Different people suffer in different ways and can tolerate a different amount of suffering.  I've reached the point that I don't believe I can handle much more.

Recently though, I've started thinking about the saints (in both Orthodoxy and Catholicism) and their lives.  So many of them suffered, much more than I ever have.  I recently watched a movie about Saint Padre Pio's life.  He faced pain, illnesses, and persecution (from the Church) for 50 years!  Many saints were tortured and killed for their faith in Christ.  Most of my pain is inside my head, though that's not to downplay what I go through.  My pain, however, is not like what the saints have gone through.  If they could go through the suffering they went through, couldn't I as well (with God's help of course)?  If I start considering suicide or self-harm (which I have not cut for three months), I really need to consider if my actions are bringing honor to Christ.  The answer to that is no.  Self-harm and suicide does NOT bring honor to Christ.  It in fact does the opposite.  It brings dishonor to Him.  It says, "My problems are too big for him to help me through" and "My sin is too great for Him to forgive."  Am I sick?  Yes, mentally, I am VERY sick.  But that's not a death sentence either.  While I often feel like I'm cursed with the illnesses I have, God has also greatly blessed me.  To kill myself or to self-harm would be to spit in His face and say that it's not good enough.  If I want to honor Christ, I have to keep living for Him.  It's up to Him how and when I die; it's not up to me.  If I must suffer then so be it, but I know I won't be alone.  Christ is with me after all.  He can help me keep going.  No matter how empty I may feel, He can fill me.  Any suffering I go through in this life, is nothing compared to the joy I'll have with Him some day.  That is where I need to place my hope: that one day I will be with Him.