For the past two months, my psych meds have stopped working. On top of that, there have been some, circumstances, that have caused things to be worse for me. Things have been so bad that I had made plans on Good Friday to end my life. Obviously, I'm still here. With the help of a few people, I managed to not make an attempt. I decided for the sake of others, I would not try to end my life. I kept trying to believe that eventually, my meds will work and help A LOT. I never thought they would cure me, but I thought they'd make my life a lot easier, not just for me, but for people who have to deal with me.
Today I saw my psychiatrist. He increased the dosage to my antipsychotic and my sleeping medications, but other than that, he said there's nothing more he can do to help me. In other words, meds aren't going to save me. Medications are not going to help me control my moods, emotions, or paranoia. The only thing they'll help is my hallucinating. This has been very discouraging for me. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this crap from me. No one should have to deal with me being super depressed one moment, then blowing up in a fit of rage the next moment. Everything is so extreme for me - it's exhausting. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I've thought about isolating even more than I already do - just blocking everyone out of my life so they don't have to deal with me anymore. I really feel like that's what's best for everyone - at this point at least anyway. If I can figure out how to get these things under control, then yea, I'll bring them back in. Blocking people out would not be easy for me though. There are two big fears I have: going crazy, and being completely alone. I already feel like I've gone crazy, and now I feel like I am going to have to be completely alone (well, nearly. Being that my husband lives with me, it's kinda hard to shut him out).
I don't want to shut people out, I really don't. There are a few I especially don't want to shut out. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it....
I don't want to be alone. I'm in turmoil over this. Either way, people will be hurt. They'll either get hurt being around me long enough, or they'll be hurt if I shut them out. I can't win either way. I'm such a people pleaser....
I haven't decided to do this yet. For one thing, I know isolating is a really bad thing to do. But is it bad if I'm doing it to protect others from me? I'm not doing it to protect myself this time - but to protect other people. I don't know though....
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up yet. I made a promise to a few people that I wouldn't kill myself, nor would I cut. If this is my cross I have to bear, then so be it. But it's a heavy one, and others don't have to carry it with me. I don't want to burden anyone, and I don't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily. Most people can't carry this burden with me, and end up leaving me. They tend to have a "savior complex" with me. They look at me and think, "I can fix her! I can save her!" But when they realize they can't, I drain them....and they leave me. I know there are some who want to carry this with me, but I don't want to drain them too. Right now, my goals are to get better, stronger, more self-control, and no longer being a problem for people. I don't know how I'll do that, but with God on my side, I'm certain it can happen. In the meantime though, I don't want anyone to suffer on my behalf. That is why I am considering to just being alone.....
We'll see what happens. Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
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