Road to Healing

Happy late Easter (I know I'm really late)!  I made it through Easter weekend (which is a miracle in itself).  I had decided that over the Easter weekend, I would not end my life, but I couldn't promise how long after that I could keep going.  A couple nights ago, I had a couple dreams.

I tried to kill myself (both in the same way), the way I had planned to do it.  I survived in them though, and with very little physical damage.  But I had to live with the consequences of really hurting people.  I woke up wondering if maybe God gave me these dreams to show me if I go through with it, this is what could happen.  I don't want to hurt anyone - I just get really desperate and feel like it's the only way I'll get any relief.

A couple weeks ago I begged God to show me I'm worth more alive than dead, and this past week I think he's really been reaching out to me, showing me that I am worth more alive than dead.  I don't know if these dreams came from him, but it's definitely something to consider.  I mean, if they are from him, I probably should listen right?  So yesterday, I made the decision that as long as I still have a little sanity left, I won't consider suicide anymore. If I completely lose my mind I can't promise what I may or may not do though.

I told my husband, my sponsor, a couple of friends, and my mom what my plan had been.  I figured if I told them, it would keep me from actually doing them.  I kinda regret telling them, but I know it was probably the right thing to do.  I will not be revealing it here though so I don't give anyone any ideas or trigger anyone.

I still have a long ways in healing, and my meds still need a lot of work done, but I know this is what I have to do.  Thank you for your prayers.  I appreciate them and I hope you will continue to pray for my healing.  Thank you again.