This week I've been really struggling...even to the point of contemplating suicide. I realized my dreams can't be achieved. I'm really struggling with losing weight and feel it's nearly impossible to do so. A friend and my husband both said my relationship with God is shallow. I feel like there's really no reason for me to go on anymore. What's the point when I may die by the time I reach 30 because I'm literally eating myself to death? I feel useless. My brain injury causes a lot of problems for me, including the fact that I hallucinate 2-3 times a week (with medication), have paranoia, can't remember things, can't have a job, can't drive, I used to hear voices though the medication has helped a lot with silencing those voices, and nearly every night I have disturbing nightmares (though I suppose that's a bit redundant to say "disturbing nightmares"). I'm constantly fighting my addictions - eating and self-harm. I battle with severe depression and PTSD. So many days I'll lock myself into the bedroom and just lay in bed almost in tears because my struggles feel so unbearable. I lock myself in the bedroom so I'm not near anything that I can hurt myself with (if someone really wants to hurt themselves, they'll find a way no matter what safety precautions have been placed).
Yesterday, my husband and I got to meet my favorite voice actor at AWA and got our picture taken with him. We've talked to him a little bit through e-mail and he actually remembered us! He gave us a free cd of him reading the Book of John (it's two discs, I do believe you can hear a free mp3 of it on his website). My husband and I listened to it on the way home last night (we're about an hour away from the convention if you include traffic, remember, it's ATLANTA traffic!!). It gripped both of us. I felt as if God was telling me in my heart, "This is for you." Hearing him do different voices for different people (or characters) and reading it brought it to a level that was different from just reading the Bible. He brought it to life. Then today we went to a panel he was doing called "Face to Face with Vic Mignogna." Someone asked him, "What is your life motto?" He thought about it for a bit and said, "Tomorrow is a new day. No matter how bad today is, tomorrow is a new day." I almost felt like he was saying that to me! Tomorrow is a new day. I may fail today, but tomorrow is a new day. Even if I don't feel like there's a reason for me to live anymore today, tomorrow's a new day. I may feel useless today, but tomorrow is a new day. I have to keep living because as bad as today might be, tomorrow is a new day. Things can change.
Today I got in line to see him again. Instead of getting my picture taken with him (I did that yesterday), I wanted to get an autograph from him. I got up there and he said, "You're back! Come for more?" I said, "This time I've got money for an autograph!" Just before he was about to sign the picture, I thanked him for the cd and for his talk this morning. I told him how I've been struggling and he brought some light in me and he thanked me for that and said, "I hope to see you again next year!" Hopefully I can afford to go back next year, but as for being around (alive) by then, I'm hoping I will be too. I told him because of his help, I'll be able to give my therapist a good report on Monday.
Whatever you may be struggling with, know this: YOU are WORTH it! Jesus didn't die so you can punish yourself, He took that for you! No matter how bad today is, tomorrow is a new day! I've been sexually abused and emotionally abused in the past (not by family). I still carry that abuse with me and it affects my relationships I have today. But the abuse was in the past. I don't need to carry that with me. I also know the warning signs now before it happens again with anyone else. If you are in an abusive relationship with ANYONE, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!!!! Believe me, it's not worth staying in it. No matter how much you tell yourself "They'll change" or "Things will be different if I change" or "Things will eventually get better," it won't. It'll get worse the longer you're in that relationship and they'll take advantage of you because they know you won't leave them. It can get so bad where they may actually eventually kill you! Get out of that relationship as soon as possible, I can't stress that enough. If you self-harm or are suicidal, I know the struggle. It's always with you, even if you're super happy! But don't punish yourself anymore. Like I said, Jesus took the punishment for you already not so you could punish yourself even more! Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day! You are a warrior, and as warriors and survivors we won't go down without a fight! When you feel like you can't fight anymore, lean on those who care about you, they will help you with your battles. We are not alone! We are part of an army! Let's fight together!