All night last night I had nightmares. I kept having to wake up my husband because of my nightmares. One of the dreams in particular though, I think was the enemy trying to shut me up on the most important topic to me. Could I be wrong? Sure. Maybe it was "just a dream." But with what's been going on in my life lately, I think it wasn't just a dream.
When it comes to the topic of religion, I don't talk about it very much (other than in my blog) because I'm the type that doesn't want to "push" my beliefs on another person. It will just turn them off and piss them off. I try to let them bring up the topic usually. Even though I don't talk about it very much, it's still a very important topic to me. I'm not into debating. Yes, my dad is a debater and my husband is a debater, but I'm not. I don't have thick skin. But it's still a very important topic to me and I take it very seriously.
Let me tell you this though, I may have been shut upped on the majority of my beliefs, but there is one that I will not shut up on: the Gospel. If I lose friends over the Gospel, while it hurts, I won't shut up over something that has saved me many times. I'm still alive today BECAUSE of the Gospel. I've had three suicide attempts and survived each of them because I can't choose when it's my time to go, that's the Author of my story's decision. Are there times I still want to escape the world? Yes. I won't lie, there are times I seriously consider making attempts again. But I know I'll only hurt myself more doing that because whether I want to die or not, it's not my decision whether I live or die.
I have an addictive personality, which means I go from one addiction to another. As a teenager I struggled with pornography. But when I became a Christian at 14, I decided to kill that addiction. But then I moved on to two other addictions: eating and cutting. I've gone nearly 8 months without cutting so far, though it's still a struggle. As for eating, I've been trying to chew gum more so I feel like I'm eating, when in actuality I'm not.
I have many struggles, I'm not perfect. After my first suicide attempt I got a brain injury that causes me memory problems and hallucinations. After my second attempt, the doctor told me later on in life I could have kidney problems. My third attempt, my husband caught me before much damage had been done. I have many internal struggles. I won't list all my struggles because it would take forever to go through this blog. There wouldn't be enough room to list all my struggles. My struggles can often be crippling for me. I shut myself in my room by myself and either weep or try to fight the darkness inside me. Sometimes I have to ask for help because sometimes I can't fight the darkness by myself.
I'm very timid and frail. I can only take so much rejection until I get to the point where I just can't deal with it anymore, so I end up shutting up. I'm constantly seeking approval (yes, I know that's a problem). I'm tired of it though, it's exhausting. I can't please everyone no matter how hard I try. What pleases some will offend others. So let me make this clear: You can shut me up with politics and political correctness, but when it comes to God's grace, I refuse to shut up. Will I force it on you? No. But if you try to take away the thing that has kept me alive, I will not go down easily. I will not curl up in the fetus position and give up. I WILL fight for it. So go ahead, do whatever you want to me, try to shut me up, but you won't win. See, I'm not alone, even if I feel like I am sometimes. Someone much stronger than you is on my side and will come to my rescue. You try to cripple me? He will carry me. He walks with me. He defends me from forces who try to destroy me. You will NOT destroy me. I may be weak, but in my weakness He is made strong. He IS my strength. So go ahead, give me your best shot, because by His grace I will not die. You can't kill me. Well, technically you could physically kill me, but spiritually you will never kill me. Go ahead and call me all sorts of untruthful things. Call me a bigot. Call me a racist. Call me sexist. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever you want. But I know those things aren't true. God knows I'm not those things and I'm going to see myself the way He sees me. He knows I'm not perfect, but some day, I will be made perfect by His grace. Go ahead, make me bleed, but I will keep getting back up. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to be bold. I'm going to be invincible.