So today just before seeing my therapist for some odd reason, out of nowhere, I had the urge to cut. I seriously have no idea where that came from. I thought about it and thought, "It must be my addiction talking because I can't figure out what could've triggered it." My husband tried to help me through it. I was scared because I didn't want to cut, but if the urge continued to get stronger and I couldn't fight it anymore, I would look for something to cut myself with. I kept trying to fight it and I prayed that God would help me through it.
Over the last couple days I've been watching "Star Trek Continues" (which btw is really good). In one of the episodes, there was this massive alien sending some sort of shockwaves at the Enterprise. With these shockwaves, there was something in them that would cause people to not be able to control their emotions. You know who it effected the most? Spock. Strange right? He's always so logical, never really seeming like he has emotions. But the thing is, he actually just bury's his emotions. He said, "You need to lock me up. My emotions are uncontrollable and there is a darkness inside me that no one knows." I really related to this in a strange way. You see, Aspies aren't really known to be very emotional, but if you know me or have been reading my blog, you know that's not the case with me. My emotions tend to be stronger than the average person instead. They're amplified and often are uncontrollable. I too see a darkness in me that I often fear will show it's ugly face and I won't be able to repress it. When one of our friends passed away this year, I wouldn't allow myself to cry because I knew if I did, I would feel weak, and when I feel weak, I punish myself by cutting. So at the funeral I did not cry, I wanted to, but I didn't allow myself to. I told myself I could cry when I was back home. Unfortunately, I buried it so much that I still haven't cried over it. I'm still grieving, but the tears have not come yet. It makes me feel almost alien, not human, which makes me want to cut too so burying my emotions didn't help.
We all have a darkness inside us, a darkness that no one truly knows about. A darkness we fear will show up and won't be able to control it. But there is someone who does know, Christ. He knows the deep darkness inside all of us, and loves us anyway. For me, I think Christ actually helps me control that darkness in a sense. He helps me to keep it locked up. Of course, if it breaks through, that is my fault for not allowing Him to help me. We tend to think we can do things on our own. But the truth is we can't. We were not meant to be alone. When we allow Jesus to heal our deep wounds, we bind that darkness inside of us. That darkness becomes weaker. But the more we try to do things on our own, the darkness grows. That is why we've got to bring our darkness to the cross. That's why we have to ask for help. I'm not saying share your deepest darkest problems with the world, but you need others to help you carry that burden. We can't carry it ourselves. When we try to carry it ourselves, we turn to things that may help us temporarily, but in the long run, it hurts us more. We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, only He can free us from our bondage.