Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Keep Going

So for the past three weeks I've been doing some intense (at least for me it's intense) working out.  I've been working out nearly every day for three weeks.  Mostly doing the treadmill for 30 minutes (changing the speed every five minutes).  It's really taken a toll on my knees quite honestly, to the point I feel crippled and can hardly walk.  This week I've been focusing on weight training.  Since my knees have been so bad this week I decided to work on upper body mostly today.  This week I had decided to do three times a week instead of every day that way it gives my knees a rest.

I've been married for six years and in the six years I've been married, I've gained 100 pounds.  My healthy weight needs to be between 140-150 pounds.  When I got married I was around 190 pounds, so I was already getting pretty overweight.  But then a couple months ago I was 296 pounds, the largest I've ever been so far!  It was very discouraging.  Part of me was thinking, "How did I ever get this big?"  I felt like if I reach 300 pounds, I'm going to feel like a complete failure.  Off and on I've tried to control my eating.  I start out really good, but then I crash and burn and go back to my old ways.  Conquering an addiction is extremely difficult, especially when it's something like eating or even drugs and alcohol.  Most addictions (or at least the ones I've had), while it's not easy to conquer, you can live without them.  Pornography, cutting, those you can live without.  But eating?  You can't stop eating altogether, you have to eat to survive!

Every time I think about losing weight, I feel really discouraged because all my other past attempts have ended in failure miserably.  I think about how I need to lose around 150 pounds and that just feels so unattainable.  Three weeks ago I found a costume I really want to wear for AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta) next year, but the largest size it comes in is 2X, I'm a 3X.  I thought, "Going down one dress size in a year could possibly be attainable."  So I became very determined.  On top of which I decided instead of just focusing on my diet (which is important), I'm going to include exercise.  As much as I hate dieting and exercising, I hate my weight even more.  I hate when people stare at me more.  I hate feeling like I could crush my husband because I'm so large (he's really skinny).  I'm down to 287 pounds right now.  Without exercising, the lowest I can get down to is 286.  I'm hoping that including exercising will help me reach past that.  If I can even get to 285 that would be so encouraging because that'll tell me "I can do this!"

No matter what pain you're going through, whether it's emotional or physical, you've got to keep going.  There are many times I don't want to exercise, especially with my knee problems.  But you know what?  I go anyway.  I work myself until the pain actually becomes numb (I don't know if that's a good thing though).  I work-out until I'm soaked with sweat (generally).  There are so many times I just want to lay in bed all day.  There are times I want to give up.  But I can't give up.  Not only do I really want to wear that costume, but my life is on the line, seriously.  I'm considered morbidly obese and if I keep gaining weight, I will literally eat myself to death.  I've got to get this under control NOW before it's too late!  So no matter how discouraged you feel, you've got to keep going.  No matter how much it hurts, you've got to push yourself to the limit!  One of my big motivators is Goku from Dragonball Z.  He's constantly pushing himself past his limit when he's training; I'm trying to do the same thing (though my work-outs aren't nearly like his).  Try to find something that really motivates you to keep going.  Maybe it's something simple like a costume, maybe it's something really important like your family.  Find something and keep pushing for it.  Believe me, no matter how difficult it is, it will be worth it!  My husband printed out a picture of the character I want to cosplay as next year and put it on the fridge.  Every time I go to the fridge (or the kitchen in general) because I want to eat, I look at that picture and think, "Whatever I'm about to eat, will it help me reach my goal or will it hinder it?"  Of course, no matter how much weight I lose, I'll never look like an anime character, that's just not realistic.  But I can get to a healthy weight for me.  If you want help to feel motivated, encouraged, or even accountability for healthy living, you can join my group on Facebook, "Weight-Loss Accountability Group", here's the link:

You can do this!

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