Six Months Later

A few years ago I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting off and on (when I lived in Tennessee).  What is Celebrate Recovery?  It's a 12-Step program with a Christ-centered spin on it.  It's like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), etc, but it's not centered around just one addiction - it's for all addicts and other people who may have different struggles.  When I first started going to CR in TN, I mainly went to deal with grief.  I had some relationships I was involved with that were causing me a lot of problems - including getting me to cut more frequently and suicide attempts.  Don't get me wrong, it was MY choice to cut, and it was MY choice to try to end my life.  Those are MY responsibilities, but there were people who were influencing me to do them.  I've never been very strong, and I've always listened to my emotions.  Listening to your emotions can be a problem sometimes.

Anyway, I had a dr in TN that told my husband and my mom to just let me cut - that it's part of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I'll eventually grow out of it.  I was cutting more and more frequently and there wasn't anything anyone could really do to stop me.  It got to the point where I was cutting AT LEAST three times a week.  At that point I realized I needed to do something to quit.  I was running out of room on my arms and started considering cutting my legs.  I wanted to quit, but I couldn't stop - not on my own that is.

We moved to GA to live closer to my parents about two years ago because my parents wanted to keep an eye on me since I was so suicidal.  I tried really hard to quit cutting.  The longest I went was 11 months.  I was thinking if I went a year without cutting, I could possibly write a free ebook on how to quit cutting.  I'd want it to be a free resource so anyone who was struggling with it, wouldn't have to worry about money being an issue.  When I cut after 11 months though, it was really disappointing.  Then last year I went 8 months - but then gave into cutting again.  I've never been good with conflict, nor having good coping skills.  I started thinking I should just give up trying to get better.  What's the point if I'm just going to keep going back to it?

Last August I checked out a CR at my parents church.  I realized while I was there that I had another problem - codependency.  I realized "This is why I depend so much on pleasing other people!  This is why I put too much value in my relationships!  This is why I'm often a doormat!"  I allow people to use me and abuse me because I'm so afraid of losing them.  So I just take it until I can't anymore - which is when I turn to cutting (or binge-eating).  It was a good group, but then I found out the church my husband and I go to had a CR there as well; so I started going to that one instead.

Since starting going to the CR at our church, I've made friends, have a couple of accountability partners, and even a sponsor now too!

I've had some pretty close calls.  Seems like no matter how hard I try to get better, something sucker punches me in the face.  There have been times I nearly cut, and other times I nearly hung myself.  There have been a lot of things that have triggered me (I hate using that word because it's so misused now.  Kids will say "I'm triggered" if they lose at a game.  This is NOT what I mean though).  The last few months have been pretty dark for me.  If you've been reading my blog, you can probably tell I had hit some dark times.  We all have them, and some days are darker than others.  Every time I was about to hurt myself though, I was always thwarted.  I think it was God thwarting me honestly.  At one point I really was going to hang myself.  I had everything ready to do it - but as soon as I was about to put the noose around my neck, I started to bawl my eyes out.  I kept thinking about my husband, and how he'd feel if he found me that way.  Obviously, I didn't go through with it since I'm still here.  Anyway, I'm getting off the topic now.

Yes, I've had some pretty dark times where I nearly gave in.  This past Monday even I nearly cut.  I had vomited my meds which means I had no anti-psychotic meds in my system.  For the rest of the day I couldn't get out of my head.  I can tell within hours that I don't have my meds in my system.  If you take medications, TAKE THEM!  I'll be the first to tell you, I hate pills - but man, I hate being stuck in my head even more than popping pills.  Anyway, I was dealing with a lot of stuff Monday and I nearly gave in.  I didn't want to give in - especially since it was the day before getting my six month chip!  I've worked hard to get that and I don't want to start all over again!  I talked with some people to help me, and to those I talked with, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my "psychotic" side and helping me get through the day - y'all are awesome!

I managed to make it to CR yesterday without cutting and got my 6 month chip!  It was so exciting and rewarding to get it 😀  I'll tell you what though, I couldn't have gotten it on my own.  As weak as I am?  Nope, on my own strength I'd've (I made up a word there) failed.  God helped me A LOT, and he also placed people in my life who've helped me along the way as well.  Last night I got an encouraging email from one of my heroes too - telling me that he's proud of me and to keep going 😊  In six months, I have come a long ways.  Have I had my struggles and setbacks?  Definitely.  But I'm not going to let them tear me down.  I've come too far now to give up!  In six more months, I will have gone the longest without cutting in a LONG time - and I am making sure I get that one year gold medallion 😏

By the way, just an update - last week I found out what's been causing my illness.  I have two chronic illnesses: IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and Gastroparesis.  I'm not very happy I have chronic illnesses, but I'm glad I at least have some answers now.  There is a plus side to having them though - I can't binge-eat.  If I binge-eat they get worse.  Gastroparesis is basically a paralyzed stomach - it's really difficult to digest food and takes a LONG time to do it.  If I eat too much or have certain foods that are harder to digest, then I'm going to end up vomiting.  This gets confusing though.  Some foods I'm supposed to eat for the IBS, I can't eat because of the Gastroparesis.  So then I have to decide, "Which one would I rather deal with?  Diarrhea, or vomiting?"  Not fun to have to decide which one I'd rather deal with.  Luckily, the doctor did say I can have fruits and vegetables - if they're in a smoothie though.  I guess it's because they're broken down or something.  Anyway, I thought I'd give an update just incase anyone had been wondering.

O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

He Lavishes His Love On Us

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion for you."

Isaiah 54:10



How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

1 John 3:1





There are many verses that describe God's love for us, but these two I want to focus more on.

 We have a God that has compassion for us and lavishes his love on us!  Lavish....that's a word you don't hear often anymore.

Lavish:  rich, elaborate, luxurious.

God's love is rich, elaborate, and luxurious!

Often times, it can be difficult to think God lavishes his love on us or has compassion for us when you see (or experience) a lot of suffering in the world.

"Where are you God in all of this?  Are you even there?"  Don't worry, people often wondered this in Scripture as well.





O LORD, why do you stand so far away?  Why do you hide when I am in trouble?

Psalm 10:1





I know in my life, there have been MANY times where I've asked this.  Does he not see our tears?  Does he not hear our cries for help?  He does though.  I can't answer why you've experienced what you have gone through.  I can tell you this though - God has and always will be there with you through it.

There have been times where he's seemed so far away from me.  When I give into my cutting for example - he always feels further away than before, even though I know he hasn't gone further away from me. He's still there with me through it all.

He has compassion for you.  He knows the pain you go through - he's been through a lot of pain himself.  His heart BREAKS for you.  He's not a distant God, even if it feels like he is.  He is there and wants to help you - he wants to comfort you.  Let him lavish his love on you.

Christianese

Have you ever heard words/phrases come from Christians that you don't understand?  Honestly, I can't stand "Christianese" because there are words/phrases only Christians are going to understand - and even some of them don't understand what they mean either!  So, I'm going to try to help you understand what these words/phrases really mean (and hopefully I'll get some insight on them too, lol).



First, this word isn't necessarily "Christianese," but it's a word most people don't use anymore, and that word is "sin."  What does sin mean?

According to the dictionary it means "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law."

So what does this mean?  You may be saying, "I'm a good person, I have good morals, so I don't sin right?"  Or you may be saying "Morals are subjective."  Let me ask you this, do your morals align with God's Law?

1) No killing/hating
2) No infidelity/lust
3) No idolatry
4) Keeping the Sabbath (the Sabbath was a day of rest)
5) No coveting/jealousy
6) No lying
7) No stealing
8) Honor your parents
9) Don't use God's name in vain (which means making an oath under his name ("I swear to God...."))
10) Only worship God (the one true God)


I don't know about you but I've broken literally all of these (and many on a daily basis).  If you've broken even ONE of these, then you have sinned.  Thankfully, God sent his Son, Jesus, to take our punishment for us (the punishment was death and hell).  He suffered and died for us so we can be with God, even after we've sinned.  Isn't that incredible?!



Okay, on to the REAL Christianese.


I've heard this phrase many times.  I grew up in the church (though didn't start following Christ until I was 14), and I've heard so many times to ask Jesus to "come into your heart."  It always confused me, and to this day it still confuses me.  I'm like "How does someone live IN my heart?"  I mean, our heart's job is to pump blood through our bodies right?  So how does one live IN our hearts?  Of course, that's just me taking things literal though.  God doesn't LITERALLY live in your heart.  When you trust that Jesus died for you, came back to life on the third day, and you need him to rescue you from Satan (the devil/Accuser/Adversary).  Which brings to another phrase: what does it mean to be "saved?"

I'm not sure if this is really "Christianese" but I thought I'd explain it anyway.  We are prisoners of ourselves.  Doesn't make much sense right?  So basically, we are in these prison cells, but they're not like normal prisons.  They're comfortable, we get to do whatever we want while we're in them, and that's what our real focus is.  What's good for me?  What we don't realize though, is two things:  First, there is an executioner; and while your cells may be comfortable, when it's time to be executed it's going to be very painful.  He doesn't care about you, in fact he's happy to kill you in the most painful way possible!  All alone and torment,  After all, you're in prison because you rebelled against the King!  There is a second person though.  The King's Son.  He was executed in your place and went through the punishment that was meant for you!  Because of that, your cell doors are open and you can walk right out!  Your sentencing has been changed!  Instead of being a prisoner you're free!  But there's a catch - you have to actually walk out of your cell and be adopted by the King.  Yep, you read that correctly, you - a rebel of the King, He wants to adopt you as His child!  Unfortunately though, many people would rather stay in their prison cells.  They're comfortable where they are and don't think they'll really be executed.  Through Jesus, we are saved from not just Satan, but from ourselves as well.  But we have to go to him, not stay as we are.  He loves us, but he loves us enough to not want us to be prisoners.  He wants to adopt us as his children, and live life abundantly (John 10:10).

So, to be saved you need a Savior - Jesus is that Savior. Put your trust in him.

What about some other Christianese?

"Washed in the blood" is another one.  What does this mean?  Well, this could get a little complicated.  So when Adam and Eve committed the first sin (disobeyed God's command on not eating from the tree of knowledge), there had to be blood sacrifices.  These weren't human sacrifices.  These were sacrifices by animals such as sheep.  The high priest would make these sacrifices so God could forgive the people.  This was all to represent what was to come - the ultimate sacrifice.  God sent his Son, Jesus, to be the ultimate sacrifice for us.  Since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, there is no need for more sacrifices!  We are cleansed of our sins through Jesus' sacrifice.

Repentance.  What does this mean?  When we sin, we are turning away from God.  So how do we get back with him?  By repenting.  In other words, turn from your sin - don't do it again, and be obedient to God.

Born again is another one too.  What does this mean?  You know, Nicodemus (a Pharisee - leaders of the Law) wondered this as well.  It's too long of a passage though so you can go to BibleGateway.com to read it.  It's John 3:1-21.  In summary though, it's not a physical rebirth - it's a spiritual one.  It's being reborn through Christ - a new creation.

Lord.  Jesus is a leader - a good one too.  He's not some power-hungry politician or military leader.  He's a King, and a humble one for that.  He came down from heaven and was born as an innocent, little baby.  He had a humble upbringing - his family wasn't wealthy or royal.  He was poor and even homeless you could say.  ("Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."  Matthew 8:20)

Word, or rather, reading the Word.  This means Scripture, short for God's Word.  Scripture is considered to be the Word of God.

Baptism.  Baptism is a public way of saying you belong to Christ.  Jesus was buried, then came back to life.  So baptism going down in the water represents dying to yourself, then you go up out of the water to represent your new life with Christ.


Foundation.  This comes from the parable Jesus told about the person who built their house on sand, and the person who built their house on rock.  It's you identity in Christ.

Err, those are all the terms I can think of, of either "Christianese" or terms you may not know that come from Scripture.  If I think of more I'll add them here.





O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Fearing God

What does it mean to fear God?

There are a lot of verses in Scripture on fearing God.  If you're like me and takes everything literal, this can be difficult to understand.  For a while, when I read about fearing God, I thought it literally meant you're scared of God!  I started to realize just how holy he is, and how unholy I am.  It terrified me!  How could I communicate with someone so holy, so powerful, so "good," when I am neither of those things?  Surely he wouldn't want to hear from me!  I was so scared to pray, that for several months I wrote my prayers instead.  I know it's still praying, but I felt like that was the best I could do.

But what if fearing God doesn't mean the same kind of fear we usually think of?

I think when it says to fear God, it doesn't mean scared, but rather it means to have high respect for him.  Take this verse for example:







The LORD is a friend to those who fear him.  He teaches them his covenant.

Psalm 25:15





How could we be scared of someone, and be a friend at the same time?  It's not the same as being scared, it's high respect.

Of course, there is a side to be scared of though.  He's no push-over.  He knows our hearts, and that includes the darkness inside them.  In each and every one of us, there is a side of us that says, "I can do a better job than God can."  I mean think about it.  Lucifer (Satan) fell because he thought he could be a better god than, well, God!  We are no better.''




"Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul.  Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body."

Matthew 10:28




God doesn't like punishing or destroying.  You think he takes pleasure in sending people to hell?  Heck no!  If he did, he wouldn't have sent Jesus to save us!




"I don't want you to die, says the Sovereign LORD.  Turn back and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32




There have been many times where I thought, "Where is MY justice in what I've been through?"  He is a God of justice, don't get me wrong.  Some day there will be justice for us; but that also means there will be justice for people we have hurt and treated like crap too.  There's nothing wrong with wanting justice, but be careful, because he will give justice to others as well.

Thankfully, we also have a God of mercy.  It's funny, we (or at least I) ask for justice for us from God, but then in the same breath we ask God to be merciful to us.

I know recently I've had to realize, I'm not as much of a forgiving person as thought I was.  I do hold grudges, and that is something I have to work on.  Sometimes when people come to mind who have hurt me, it really gets my blood boiling and I get really angry, clenching my fists like I'm about to hit something.  But then I realize that I really hadn't forgiven them like I had thought I had.  So I ask God to forgive me and to help me continue to forgive them.

Anyway, I think I've gone off-track.  Fearing God.  Respect.





O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

All We Need

Well, today I'm getting the results for my CT Scan.  I've had stomach issues for over 16 months.  We haven't been able to figure out what's wrong with me, no matter how many tests we run.  People know me at the ER now because I've gone so often.  I've jokingly told them "How much is rent here?"  Jokes aside, it's been really frustrating not knowing what's wrong with me.  I vomit just about every day (though I haven't for a week now 😀).  Sometimes there's blood, and sometimes I cough up blood.  It really scares me when that happens.  My stomach has started hurting lately too.  It feels all twisted up.  I'm hoping the CT Scans have found the cause of my stomach issues.  If not, I'll have to do an endoscopy.

Anyway, I often feel like my body and my mind are betraying me.  If you've read my previous blog entries, I have A LOT of mental illnesses.  For example, if I have to get an endoscopy, I will have to miss my morning psych meds - which includes my anti-psychotic.  When I don't take my anti-psychotic, I notice a difference within hours (in other words, if I have to miss them, my husband is going to have to make sure I don't go on Facebook because I could go a bit crazy).  Within hours, I start to hallucinate and I get really paranoid (sometimes even delusional).  It's really difficult to calm me down when that happens.

I read this a few days ago:





My mind and body may grow weak, but God is my strength; he is all I need.

Psalm 73:26





He is all I need....

It's true!  He is truly ALL we need!  Whatever we're going through, he is ALWAYS going to be there with us, through it.  We're never truly alone.  No doubt, we often feel alone.  "No one understands me.  No one understands what I'm going through."  These sort of thoughts run in my head CONSTANTLY.  With all my mental illnesses?  With my past?  Who could possibly know what I go through?  Well, even if I were the only person who struggled with what I struggle with (though I know I'm not the only one), I'm still not alone.  See, Jesus is always with us.  He's not going to leave you.  He's got you 😄





"I will never never fail you.  I will never abandon you."

Hebrews 13:5





He's never going to fail you, and he's never going to abandon you.  It can often feel like he's really far away, or even that he's not there at all.  But he IS there!  Have people abandoned you?  He won't.  There have been times I've felt completely alone - like I'm trapped in this failure of a vessel.  Don't get me wrong, God does NOT make mistakes, so when I say a failure of a vessel, that's not what I mean.  It's like, when Paul says our bodies are temples to God (1 Corinthians 6:19), my temple has been torn apart, graffiti'd on, and allowed prostitutes to take over!  I self-sabatouge.  Whether it's self-harm or ruining relationships - good relationships, or allowing bad relationships to take over (I'm a bit of a doormat).  You know what though?  God can fix that broken temple.  Maybe in this life, maybe in the next.  He still resides in that run down temple though.  He will never fail you, and he will never abandon you.

All we need is Christ....




O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

The Call

Who are those who fear the LORD?  He will show them the path they should choose.

Psalm 25:12




Ever wonder where you're supposed to go in life?  This has been something I've been stuck in for years.

Growing up I had hopes and dreams of what I wanted to do with my life - but over the past few years, I've realized they're unachievable for me (at the time at least anyway).  This has been very difficult for me, to be honest.  I see my friends and family members doing things with their lives, and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for them; but it's difficult when all I do is sit on my butt all day doing pretty much nothing.  I can't drive, I can't work, I can't raise a family with kids, nothing.  It's made me wonder why I'm even still here.  Surely my life isn't a waste right?  Surely there's a reason why I'm still here!  Sometimes I will cry out to God, "Why am I here?  What good am I alive if I can't do anything?"  Then there's this:





I have told all your people about your justice.  I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O LORD, well know.  I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.  I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Psalm 40:9-10




As I have mentioned in a previous blog entry, I'm extremely afraid of people - especially public speaking.  People terrify me!  I often say I prefer animals over people because animals will attack if they feel threatened - trying to defend themselves.  People, on the other hand, will backstab you on purpose.  There aren't evil animals, but there are evil people.  I guess I sort of have a love-hate relationship with people.  I love people, I want to help people, I care about people, especially those who are broken; but I fear them too.  You know, Jesus was treated like crap by people, but he was never afraid of them; and he loved people WAY more than anyone can!

There have been times where I've really felt like God has told me to talk to people who are hurting, but I get so afraid.  Sometimes I don't do it, and I feel terrible after that.  I think, "If that had been me, I would've wanted someone to give me hope.  I'd want to hear that God has my back.  I'd want to hear that I'm not alone.  I'd want to hear that God still loves me.  So why did I say nothing?"  I will beat myself up all day over it.  Here I will ask God to give me an opportunity to tell someone the Good News that Jesus rescues us through his death and resurrection; yet I chicken out. every. time.  Lately, I have tried to listen to that voice, even if I'm absolutely terrified - not for my sake, but for the other person.





Jesus called out to them, "Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!"

Mark 1:17





We all have a calling - to preach the Good News to everyone.  How this looks for everyone is different.  For some it's teaching.  For others it may be art.  It's different for everyone - I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for me.  Maybe it's my blog, maybe it's something else.

Some people are happy to just be with their family.  It doesn't matter if they reach out to other people.  But this isn't what we are instructed to do!   It's preposterous!  Reach out to your family yes, but don't stop there!  What about all the other people in the world? The people who are broken and empty?  What about the girl being bullied at school?  What about your co-worker who's caught in addiction?  What about the guy who's about to kill himself because he just can't take the pains of life anymore?  You have joy in Jesus?  Good!  Now go share that joy with the world!  Don't keep it to yourself!  Are you afraid?  Do it anyway!  Don't let your fear cripple you.  Jesus is with you and will give you the strength!

Not sure how to do this?  Just tell him, "I'm here, and I'm listening!  Whatever it is you want me to do I'll do it!  Whoever you want me to be I'll be it!  Give me the strength to do it, no matter how afraid I may be!"  He will show you what he wants - it may not be immediate, but he will show you.

So how are you going to preach the Good News?





O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

In the Face of Fear

How do we face fear?




God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.

Psalm 46:1





"Don't be afraid.  Take courage, I am here!"

Matthew 14:27





Fear is a BIG thing for me.  I am afraid of everything!  Lately, some things have been happening that really terrifies me to my core.  I mean, it's hard enough to be getting out of my comfort zone (like in my recovery); but there are some things going on that are scaring me even more!  I'm terrified of spiders, but what's been going on, I'm more terrified of that than spiders!  Spiders make me scream and cry like a baby.  This though, I am literally begging God to change His plans (if they are His plans)!  I know that's pretty ridiculous, God changing plans?  Anyway, I'm not quite ready to talk about it yet, but I probably will eventually (I'm not in any harm).

Anyway, one of my biggest fears is going to surprise you.  I talk about God all the time in my blog - heck, the point in my blog is to show my struggles in hopes that it will give hope to those who are struggling, and understanding to those who aren't.  I want to show people God's love for them.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine; and though I can't show you just how much he loves you, I want to show you even just a little bit of his love for you.  My fear though?  My fear is actually talking about God - ESPECIALLY in person.  I'm not completely sure why, my theory though is that I'm afraid of not saying something accurate about him, or turning people further away from him.  I fear failure.  It's hard for me to talk about it even on my blog, but in person it absolutely cripples me with fear.  I like talking about him, I just get so afraid.  I also feel unqualified.  For over a decade my foundation was very weak, and only since this past summer has it been getting stronger.

I remember this one time when my husband and I were playing games at a game shop, and there were some people mocking Jesus.  I was so angry, I wanted to say something.  But I chickened out, and that night I wept bitterly because I was too afraid to say anything.  I'm a coward.

Another time recently I saw someone post on Facebook that said "Jesus f****** Christ" with a picture of him doing....you can guess I'm sure.  It angered me and I felt hurt at the same time.  I was hurt because how depraved must a person be to post such a thing?  What must they be going through in their own lives to make such a joke?  If they only knew how much he loves them even though they mock him....once again though, I was silent.

Why are we afraid though?  The God of the universe is on our side!  He can conquer anything, heck, he conquered death itself!  Surely he can help us with our problems!  Jesus said to not be afraid, because he is here!  He is with us!  What have we got to fear that God can't help us get through?  No matter what it is you're afraid of, he will take care of you.  He's very protective over his children.  He is faithful to his promises, and he has promised he will always be with us and help us.  He will never leave us to fend for ourselves against the wolves.  We have to allow him to help us though.





"Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?"

Matthew 6:26



"What is the price of five sparrows - two copper coins?  yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7




"So don't be afraid, little flock.  For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."

Luke 12:32



These are the words of Jesus.  We have nothing to be afraid of, we are greatly valued by God!  I've said this before, but he is VERY protective over us.  He is the perfect Father, and he protects his children.  I can't tell you how many times I have gotten myself into trouble, and he always comes to my rescue when I need him most.  I am so afraid of where God may be leading me, but in reality, I have nothing to fear!




O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for help.

Psalm 86:5




When we cry out for help, he doesn't turn a blind eye or a deaf ear.  He listens to our cries.  He wipes away our tears.  He holds us when we need comfort.  He understands what we go through.  He understands the crap in our lives.  Jesus went through a lot of crap too.  Satan tried to tempt him.  People tried to stone him.  People abandoned him.  People used him.  He was betrayed by one of his best friends.  He was punished even though he was innocent.  He was flogged, beaten to a pulp, mocked, spat on, and ultimately was killed.  He gets it, and he wants to be there for us.  When we have nothing to give, he keeps giving.  Fix your eyes on him, rely on him instead of yourself or others.  People will come and go like the weather.  They're here one moment, and gone the next.  He will never leave you though.  He is ALWAYS there with you.  You are his greatest creation and his pride and joy.  What have you got to lose trusting him?





With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.  I will give glory to your name forever, for your love for me is very great.  You have rescued me from the depths of death.

Psalm 86:12-13




He rescued me from the clutches of death - seriously!  I have tried to kill myself three times and had many times where I nearly tried, but was thwarted.  I am still here though.  I don't know why I am still here but I am for a reason.  Everything I've been through in my life - the heartache, the pain, near death, abuse, it all has happened for a reason.  I don't always understand why, but sometimes I do realize why.  Sometimes though we don't find out until we finally see him in the next life.  But we can take comfort in knowing that everything in our lives were not for nothing.  He loves you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!  So let me ask you again: what have you got to lose in trusting him?





O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Why Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday Go Together

I know this is a day late; I had already posted an entry yesterday morning and was busy the rest of the day with my husband.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and Ash Wednesday happened to fall on the same day this year.  On Valentine's Day, we focus on our loved ones - whether it's a significant other, family, or friends (though it's typically the significant other).  Ash Wednesday is when we focus on Jesus' final hours before dying.  Ash Wednesday then opens up Lent (I believe for 40 days before Easter).  You may look at the title of this entry and ask, "How do they go together?"  Welp, glad you asked 😄

First, why do we celebrate Easter?  Easter isn't about bunnies, candy, and dyed eggs (though those are fun things for Easter).  First we have Good Friday, where we reflect on Jesus' sacrifice for all of us.  Good Friday can be a bit depressing for me because of that.  Then on Easter we celebrate his resurrection!

Jesus took our punishment - he took what we deserved onto himself.  It was God's way of telling us how much he loves us - by rescuing us from what we deserved - death.  You may say, "People still die today."  Physical death, yes, people still die.  But our souls don't die.  Our souls when we die will either go on to live with Jesus in paradise, or it will be forever tormented in hell.  Hell is not something I enjoy talking about, but I can't tell you all fluff and stuff you want me to tell you and not be honest about it.

When we look at what Jesus went through, it was God saying, "I love you so much, that I'm going to pay the price for you."

I heard this story once (I don't know if it's a true story or not) where this miner had gotten a lot of money and was on his way home to be with his family.  As he was on his way home, he saw a slave market.  There was a woman there for sale, and he heard what the other men were saying about her and what they wanted to do with her.  It broke his heart and he couldn't take it.  The miner went up to the guy selling her and said, "I'll pay twice the highest bidder."  This had never been done before!  The guy asked, "Do you have the money?"  The miner said, "Yea, I've got the money."  So he bought the woman.  They were walking together and she spit in his face and told him how much she hated him.  He wiped the spit off his face and they continued to walk together.  They stopped at an office and he gave her some papers.  She didn't know how to read, and didn't understand what the papers were.  She said, "I hate you."  He asked, "Don't you understand?  These are your papers!  You're free now!"  She asked, "Wait, did you buy me to set me free?  You paid more than anyone ever has.  You bought me to set me free?"

We were slaves to our mistakes, our screw-ups, the darkness itself.  Jesus bought us to set us free!  He died to set us free!  He was betrayed, brutally beaten, tortured, mocked, and ultimately killed to set us free!  If that's not love, I don't know what love is then.

We celebrate Valentine's Day for love - Jesus showed the ultimate love for us.  This is why they go perfectly together - in my opinion that is.  Ironically, Easter this year falls on April Fools.  I was talking to my husband last night about that.  I told him, "There are probably going to be a lot of jokes mocking Jesus this year."  It made me kinda depressed thinking about that.  Here he did so much for us, yet there is a deep hatred for him in a lot of people.  Trust me, I get it, I used to be one of those people.  Seriously.  But when I thought about it some more, my husband and I were both like, "Easter falling on April Fools this year could be Jesus' way of saying, 'Jokes on you Satan - I beat you at your own game!"

Even though Valentine's Day is over, let's take some time to reflect on how God really, REALLY, loves us.

Yours Again

               "Without you my world is darkness, I won't let go again."



I remember my life without Christ - it was a very dark place to be; a place with no hope and no purpose.  I've been there twice.  I wasn't a believer until I was fourteen years old.  Then I left the faith a few years ago, then came back.  It's a lonely place to be.  When you survive three suicide attempts, you wonder why you're still alive.  "What is my purpose?  Surely there's a reason why I've survived!"

You may be thinking, "I don't follow Jesus and my life is okay.  The purpose in life is to be a good person, live life to the fullest, and make a difference in the world to be remembered for."  Those are good things no doubt, but there is an emptiness without Christ - it's an emptiness I think most people who are broken really feel.  We feel alone and rejected.  We see the darkness in the world that others seem to be blind of.  The world is a cruel place to live in, and we've not only seen it, we've lived it.

When I left the faith a few years back, I felt so empty, alone, and afraid.  See, I knew God was real, I believed Jesus was God, but my life was in such turmoil that I thought he didn't want me anymore.  He was done with me.  That's a very depressing thought.  The God of the universe, the Savior of the world - well, everyone other than me that is (or so I had thought for a long time), wants nothing to do with me anymore.  If he didn't want me anymore, why waste either of our time?  So I left.  My husband was very afraid.  He wasn't sure what I'd do.  I mean, I had morals, but at the same time it's like, "If I'm not following Christ anymore, what am I free to do now?"  When my husband talked to a friend about it, his friend said I wouldn't be gone for long.  He was right - I came back three days later.  You may say, "Three days?  Then you didn't really leave."  Oh no, I did leave.  I told my husband if God really wanted me, he would come for me.  Then again, why would he come for me if he didn't want me anymore?

I was very much afraid - especially at night.  I remember thinking since I left, God would no longer be protecting me from the darkness.  In a sense, I've opened myself up to things I had no desire opening myself up to.  I left the Shepherd, and was at the mercy of the wolves that want to devour me.  I was also afraid of where I'd go since I had basically apostatised.  Apostasy is a pretty big deal - would that mean I'd be going to hell?

Three days later, I had a dream that changed me.  Jesus came to me in a dream and rescued me from the darkness.  He broke my chains that held me captive and embraced me.  Even though I had cursed him in my dream, he still rescued me.  He came for me - just like I told my husband he would if he really wanted me back.  Now, I don't recommend putting God to the test like that.  Jesus did say "Don't put your God to the test" after all.

After having that dream, I have remained in the faith.  I'm not perfect, and I realized this past summer that my foundation had actually been very weak.  Only since this past summer has my foundation in Christ been getting stronger.  I had to destroy the little foundation I had, and put new foundation instead.  Instead of building on sand, I've started building on rock (Matthew 7:24-27).  Do I feel empty at times?  Yes, sometimes that emptiness comes back - but not like before.  Do I feel hopeless at times?  Yes, but not like before.  Put your hope and trust in Jesus, and you won't regret it.

For years I have wondered why I am still here after three suicide attempts, and many close calls where I've basically been thwarted from making other attempts.  What is my purpose for being here?  My dreams I've had growing up are unachievable and now I need new dreams.  The plans I had for my life I can't do, so what do I do now?  Well, recently I think I've started to see what my purpose might be.  I don't know for certain, but I think I may be on the right path to finding it out.

Hold onto Christ and don't let go.  If you have let him go, return to him!  I know what it's like to think, "There's no way he'd ever take me back."  I've been there - the prodigal.  But he wants you to return to him!  Many times in Scripture, God says to return to him from our wicked ways (such as idolatry).  Jesus even made it clear in the story of the prodigal son!  He will RUN to you with open arms - holding you tightly!  If you've left, tell him "I'm yours again!  I'm not letting go again!"

Broken Things

Ever feel like God could never use you because you're too broken?  Maybe you've made too many mistakes in your life.  Maybe you went through something so traumatic that you relive it every day.  Brokenness comes in many different forms - EVERYONE is broken.  There isn't a single person out there who isn't broken in some way.  Yet, we look at people and say, "God is able to use them," but we don't think He can use us.  I get it, I really do - I struggle with the same kind of thinking.  Here's the thing though, God doesn't use "perfect" people, He uses broken people.

There are TONS of people in Scripture that God used who were broken!  Moses killed a guy.  Rahab was a prostitute.  David, you know, the guy who defeated Goliath?  He had an affair AND killed the husband of the woman he had the affair with!  Jonah, the guy who got swallowed in the belly of a fish?  He was running away from God because he didn't want God to save his enemies!  Jeremiah, the prophet?  Yea, he struggled with MAJOR depression.  The prophet Elijah?  He was suicidal.  The apostle Peter?  He denied he knew Jesus three times, and when Jesus needed him in his time of need, Peter ran away in shame.  Paul?  He killed people who followed Jesus.  There are MANY more examples I could give you.  God uses broken people.




Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise.  And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.

I Corinthians 1:27




God uses the foolish, the powerless, and the broken - not the "perfect" people who have everything together.  Consider this: the disciples who followed Jesus, did any of them have everything together?  The people who hung out with Jesus, did they have everything together?  No, the people who thought they had everything together were the ones who wanted to kill Jesus!

No matter how broken you may feel, God can, no, God will use you still.  You've just got to let him.

Take Courage

What does courage look like?

I'm a very fearful person - a coward if you will.  I can't really think of anything that I'm not afraid of!

When we think about courage, we think of people who are fearless!  When we think of someone with courage, we think of characters like Rambo or John McClane.  What if our views on courage aren't true though?  What if TRUE courage was something else?

What if courage isn't the absence of fear, but rather in the presence of fear?

I really like Isaiah 41:13



For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.



There are TONS of places in Scripture that says to not be afraid, but at the same time, God tells us that He will be with us when we are afraid.  He knows we'll never, not have fear.  We all have something we're afraid of.  If I listed all my fears we'd have to write a book as big as the Gutenberg Bible!

When you are afraid, put your trust in Jesus; put your hope in him.  He won't fail you.  He's greater than any fears we have.  He's conquered death.  He's defeated the Adversary.  He's brought the dead back to life.  He's casted out demons from people.  He's healed the sick and lame.




The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.

John 1:5




There is always that light that will NEVER go out - even if it seems far away and dim, it is ALWAYS there - follow that light!

Courage.....

True courage isn't the absence of fear, but rather saying, "I am going to put my trust in the One who will protect me, even though I'm terrified!"

One of my biggest fears is that I'll be completely alone - everyone will leave me.  So many people have left me, especially in my time of need - and it leaves me terrified that there will be no one left.  This may seem like an irrational fear, and that may be true.  Most fears are irrational; but even if that did happen, there is one who would NEVER leave me - Jesus.  People have promised me they'd never leave me, and in the end many of them did.  But God promised He would NEVER leave me nor forsake me, and He keeps His promises.  In my fear of being completely alone, I need to put my trust in Jesus that he will always be with me, just as he promised.





Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Psalm 31:24



I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

John 16:33





Put your trust in Jesus, he has overcome the world.  He will always be there for you, even when no one else is.

In Your Arms

He will cover you with his feathers.  He will shelter you with his wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Psalm 91:4



Listen!  The LORD's arm is not too weak to save you, nor is his ear too deaf to hear you call.

Isaiah 59:1




What do you turn to when you're in distress?  Maybe you turn to your family or friends.  Maybe you turn to a hobby to distract yourself (such as writing or drawing).  Maybe you turn to some bad coping skills (such as cutting for me), or even isolation.  I know for me, I tend to isolate myself - A LOT.  It's one thing to have some alone time for a little bit to calm down and get your thoughts together; but when you spend all day every day laying in bed or sitting on the couch by yourself, then you may be isolating too much.  What if we turned to God in our distress though?  What would that look like? 

Well, for one thing, he promises to never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  Have abandonment issues (I do)?  Well he's always going to be with you no matter what!  Jesus said no one can snatch us away from him (John 10:28).  He promises that if we seek him, we will find him (Matthew 7:7).  He pursues us (Luke 15:4-6).  These are only a few of his promises.  Maybe in a future blog entry I'll get into more details on his promises.

If we are sheep, Jesus is our shepherd (Jesus uses this illustration).  He is VERY protective over us, like a good shepherd is protective over their flock.  Hungry wolves want to eat the sheep (us), and if we have no shepherd, we're going to get eaten by the wolves one way or another.  If we have a bad shepherd, they're probably not going to be very good at protecting us either.

I often see myself as a little lamb that often gets itself into trouble.  I tend to wander away from the shepherd and other sheep, and then I get lost.  I'm all alone, even injured at times.  That's when I get surrounded by the wolves.  On my own, I am no match for the wolves, and they'll tear into me until there's nothing left but my scattered bones.  I'll cry for help, but I'm too far away from the other sheep to hear me - they don't even notice I'm away.  But my Shepherd, heh, he ALWAYS comes to my rescue!  When I think I'm all alone, I'm really not, he's been following me all along from a distance!  Just when the wolves are about to devour me, he jumps in and fights them off with his staff! The wolves run away, he bandages up my wounds, and he carries me on his shoulders back to the rest of the flock.  This is how I see myself - the sheep always getting into trouble, yet is always rescued when I need it most.  This is your story too though, not just mine!  We are all like dumb sheep, and he comes to our rescue when we need him most.

Jesus holds us in his arms and will never let us go.  There's only one way to leave his arms, and that is we have to WILLINGLY leave them.  He's not going to force himself on you - that's why we have free will after all.  A relationship consists of both parties wanting to be with the other.  If one person leaves the relationship, then the relationship is over.  He's not going to let you go, and no one can take you away from him - but you can willingly leave him.  You may ask, "I already left, but I can't return, he'd never take me back."  No matter how far away you've gone, if you return to him he will ALWAYS accept you back.  You're the prodigal child!  He will RUN to you while you're still far off in the distance on your way to him!

His arms are wide open for you.


I had this vision once (it wasn't a dream because I was wide awake when I had it).  I had been following Christ for a couple years, which meant I had not actively looked at porn for a couple years.  I still struggled with it though.  Even though I wasn't acting out on it, the images would still come to mind at times, and I'd even have dreams of it at times.  This one particular night as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, images kept going in my head that I didn't want.  I prayed and begged God to help me get rid of the images.  I was in tears.  Then, I saw this vision.  I was in a small room - no doors and no windows.  Everything around me - the walls, floor, and ceiling, were all like playing videos of the stuff I used to look at.  Images, sounds, all of it.  I sat on the floor crying, covering my ears so I wouldn't hear the sounds, and tightly shutting my eyes closed so I wouldn't see the images.  I kept begging God to help me.  Then, I heard footsteps in front of me, and somehow I knew they knelt down in front of me.  They held me tightly and I instantly knew who it was.  I cried on his chest, covering my face so I wouldn't see the images.  He told me gently that everything was going to be okay.  The vision ended, and the images in my head were gone.  Most of my dreams I've had of Jesus (which are not very many), he is coming to my rescue from something.  When I need him most, he always comes to my rescue.  A few years back, I walked away from Christianity.  I felt like God didn't really want me.  After three days though, I'm not kidding, he came in a dream and rescued me.  What's so ironic about this time is that I told my husband (who was distraught that I had left the faith), "If he really wants me, he'll come for me."  On top of that, my husband talked to a friend about it and his friend said, "She won't be gone for long."  Well, three days later he came to me in a dream and I returned to the faith.  When we really seek him with all our hearts, and when we need him most, he will always come to our rescue.  "Seek and you will find."  Those are Jesus' words.  Run to him, run to him and jump in his arms!  He will not let you go.

Mended

Do you ever feel so broken, like you're beyond repair?  I often feel like I'm this broken toy no one wants to play with anymore.  So I'm discarded in the garbage, crushed and shredded in the garbage truck, and off to be burned in the flames.  Do you ever feel this way?

I often feel worthless and useless.  How could God ever use me?  As broken as I am?  There's no way I could be used for God's glory!  I've made so many mistakes, I can't do anything right!

These are the thoughts that plague me ALL the time.  How about you?  Do you think this way about yourself?  If so, know this - you are greatly mistaken!

No matter how broken you may be, he can heal you.  You may think you're beyond repair and without Christ, you're right.  We can't fix anyone - whether it be someone else or ourselves.  We certainly try, but we tend to make things worse.  But Jesus can heal you!  He can heal your brokenness.

God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).  It often feels like he's far away from us during dark times, but he's much closer than you think. 



"God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." 
Matthew 5:3



When we are broken in spirit, he is there.  It is during those hardships that he's even closer.  When we feel like we can't go on anymore, he holds us in his arms, comforting us.  He can mend your brokenness.  He can heal your broken spirit.

A couple nights ago I was really discouraged about something - to the point where I was in tears and was tempted to give into one of my addictions I've been trying to work past.  My head kept telling me "I'm going to do it" but I kept telling it to get out of my head.  I talked to a friend and I prayed - giving thanks and asking Him to help me through this.  After that I listened to "Mended" by Matthew West.  Since then I've been listening to this song on repeat nearly ALL day.  Every time I hear it, I nearly break down and weep.  God sees us differently than we see ourselves, and he can heal our brokenness.  I definitely recommend the song - listen to it and listen (or read) the lyrics.  Christ is here with you, right now, this very moment, and he has always been with you - since before you were even conceived!  He sees your brokenness and he is not ashamed of you for your struggles.  He knows your struggles and still loves you even when you give in.  He will never stop loving you.  He will never abandon you.

Let him mend your broken heart.