Tuesday, October 10, 2017

My Heartstrings Come Undone

I want to dedicate this entry to my husband.  This song is about the writer (Ryan Clark)'s wife.

"I wrote this song for my wife.  It's about my commitment to her.  The gist of the song is, regardless of our past or whatever may come in the future, I'll be there for her.  And if one of us completely falls apart emotionally, physically, or spiritually, I'll try my best, with the help of God, to keep the foundation of our marriage a strong one."

My husband (Nick) has lived this out in more ways I could list.  He's been so good to me, and is the closest I have ever felt to the love from God (though even Nick's love for me greatly falls short of God's love for me).

I've been through a lot in my life, things that have shaped me in good ways, as well as bad ways.  When I'm feeling unstable, I tend to isolate myself.  I push everyone away from me - including Nick.  If I'm really angry or hurt, when I don't isolate myself, I've been known to lash out at him.  I'll yell at him and say terrible things to him.  People don't see or even know it, but I have a side that can be very cruel.

I'm an abuse victim, but I now realize, I can be abusive myself - not just abusive towards myself, but towards others as well.  I don't mean to be abusive, but I get emotionally abusive without even realizing it.  I'm trying to protect myself, but in the process I'm hurting those who love and care about me.

A friend told me I have no excuse to be abusive, and you know what?  He's right.  I have no excuse to act the way I do - even if it is something I'm working on.  I don't typically unleash my garbage out on people - unless they're people who are close to me.  If I have lashed out on you, I'm very sorry.

Anyway, this blog entry is about Nick.  In the seven years we've been married, eight years of knowing each other, he has never left my side.  I remember while we were dating, I knew he was too good for me.  I knew I didn't deserve him.  Several times I told him he should break up with me, but he refused to.  I have said and done horrible things to him, and yet he never leaves me.  It's something I don't understand.  Many people have left me, yet he never has.  I often ask myself, "Why is he still here with me?"

He's seen my psychotic episodes - some worse than others (I had one recently, but it was mild compared to most of them).  He's woken up in the middle of the night with me when I've had night terrors or hallucinated.  When I was extremely sick earlier this year, he woke up many times in the middle of the night just to get me a drink (I was too weak to get up myself).  He knew before marrying me I had baggage, but I don't think either of us truly realized just how much baggage I came with.  We didn't know I was Schizoaffective (which I have heard can cause abusive behavior).  We had no idea just how "crazy" I am.

A couple years ago, I had two suicide attempts.  It devastated him, yet he stayed with me.  No doubt he was upset with me.  When I had my second massive overdose, I was in the hospital over night before being transferred to the mental health ward.  That night he stayed with me overnight.  Neither of us got much sleep.  He was with me for most of the next day as well.  Even after that, he still didn't leave me.

Nick is always with me, whether I'm emotionally unstable, or even I've really struggled with my faith - including leaving the faith for a short time.  He's always looking out for me, and when people attack me on Facebook, he goes after them.  He's very protective over me.  Even after having left the faith though, he stayed by my side.  He worried about me a lot; he probably spent a lot of time in prayer for me to return to Christ.

I have been trying very hard to let my guard down with him.  It's not easy; I mean, I put walls up with EVERYONE.  I try really hard to trust him.  I am slowly making progress though.

Nick, thank you for staying with me for eight years.  I'm sorry I have not been good to you.  I've been abusive and I am so, so, sorry.  I always thought that if I would end up with a man, he would most likely be abusive towards me - never had I ever imagined that I would be the abuser myself!  I don't deserve you, but I am thankful to have you in my life.  I want to be the best wife I can be for you - with God's help of course.  I've told you before you weren't my dream guy - you're SO much better than my dream guy!  Sometimes when you speak to me, I wonder if God is speaking to me through you.  I never thought there'd ever be a man who could truly love me, especially when I can't even love myself!  You're my best friend and my lover.  You lead me into a greater relationship with Christ.  You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close to it 😊  I hope one day, I will be as good to you as you are to me.  You have lived out Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loves the church.

Thank you for always being with me, and for never leaving me.  I love you!  💕💖💘

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