I absolutely LOVE this song. I couldn't believe I haven't blogged about this song yet!
We all have things we're passionate about. For me, it's really hard for me to find things I'm passionate about. Before my first suicide attempt, I had all sorts of dreams of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be in the army, I wanted to be in youth ministry, I wanted to be an animator, I wanted to start a therapeutic farm with rescued animals to help troubled kids, I wanted to be a missionary in Japan, and more than anything - I wanted to be a mom. These are still dreams I have, but they don't seem plausible for me at this point. After my first suicide attempt, my personality changed quite a bit. If you look at photos of me before my suicide attempt, I smile. I look happy - even if I'm pretending to be. I at least looked like I had joy. You look at photos of me now though, that light seems to not be there anymore. Smiling just feels awkward to me now. I don't really know how to anymore. It's not that there's no joy anymore, though that does seem to be buried deep down inside, only sometimes peaking it's way out.
Anyway....
There is one thing I do have a passion for, and you may see it from time to time in my blogs. I have a passion for it, but I'm afraid of it too. So what is it? Well, it's a couple things - and they're complicated for me too.
1) I love helping people. I have mixed feelings about people. After everything I've been through with people, deep down there's a feeling of disgust towards people. I prefer animals for a reason after all. When animals attack people, it's instinct. Most likely they are either trying to protect themselves, or if they're a mama they're trying to protect their babies. People on the other hand, they have evil intentions. They hurt you to do just that - to hurt you. They're not necessarily trying to protect themselves or their families. As Alfred in the Dark Knight once said, "Some people just want to watch the world burn." I fear people. At the same time though, I love people. I hate watching them suffer. When I see someone suffering with something, I immediately start trying to think of what I can do to help. Sometimes there's nothing I can really do but just be there for them and pray. I know I can't be the savior of the world, but I do want to show them WHO the Savior of the world is. Which brings us to point two.
2) I love Jesus. I want to serve him with all I have and into eternity. He's saved my butt a number of times, and I'm sure other times I may not even be aware of! He is my Savior in a very deep, literal sense. He didn't just save me spiritually, which don't get me wrong is HUGE! Spiritual salvation I would say is the most important salvation. But he has saved me in other ways too - ways that would take another blog entry and would be quite long. He is my Rescuer in so many ways. There's no one else I'd want to serve. I often get afraid though. I ask God "Please give me an opportunity to share the Good News today with someone!" But then I chicken when I get the chance, and walk away ashamed and even in tears. I keep thinking "What if I say/do something wrong? What if I don't present him in a truthful way? What if they look badly at him?" I also have selfish ones too, "What if they don't like me? What if they see me like Christians who have hurt them? What if they think I'm stuck-up?" "What If's" can kill a person. One of the reasons I'm so open in this blog about my struggles is people tend to think Christians are "stuck up" or act like their lives are perfect. Trust me, I get it, that kind of appearance drives me insane! I'm raw in my struggles on here to show them I'm just as broken as everyone else. There's no "holier than thou" with me. I have as much garbage in my life as everyone else - I just happen to talk about mine. No Christian has it all put together, even if they appear that way. We're ALL just as broken as everyone else - we just happen to know someone who will one day make us new.
So what do I do with all this?
Well, I have a heart for people, and I have a fire in me lit for Jesus. I get scared talking about Jesus, but sometimes when they bring the topic up with me, I get REALLY excited. Suddenly my fears go out the door! There are a lot of people lost in darkness - and they don't even realize it. Some times they do, I did. We can be so rebellious towards God. I was consumed in darkness. Now that I have the light in me though, I want to share Him with the world! I want to show people that they're not alone. I want to show them that Jesus loves them more than they could ever imagine or comprehend. I want to show them that there is hope in Jesus. I want to show them the grace and love of God.
I haven't really figured out how to implement both of these. I guess I just start with my blog right?
Y'all we have a powerful God that if he wanted to he could wipe everything out of existence with just the tip of his finger! He could do it and honestly, he'd have every right to do so. But he's also a merciful God. He wants you to go to him and ask for forgiveness. He wants to call you his child, and a good parent won't just cast their child away.
When people see me, I don't want them to see me - I want them to see Him. I'm not a perfect reflection of Jesus. Ha! I'm nowhere even close to being a perfect reflection! But even in my imperfections, even in my failures, he can still use me for his glory. I mean that's really the point in our lives - to bring Him glory. I don't want to watch the world reject someone who loves them SO much! Only recently I realized that Jesus really does love me, and it's made some pretty big changes with me. If the world really knew just how loved they are by the creator of the galaxy, it would change them! Even the hardest of hearts would melt if they truly knew Jesus loves them. That is my passion - to show a world full of darkness that there is light, and this light will never go out. This light will remain for eternity. This light will never leave them. My passion is to spread the Good News. I haven't figured out how other than in my blogs, and it's something I know God will eventually reveal to me.
So let me ask you: What lights the fire in you?
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