Saturday, April 29, 2017

To the Child I'll Never Have

Dear Child,

I think of you often.  I've dreamed of you ever since I was a little kid.  I lay at night in tears knowing I'll never get to meet you.  You're what I've always wanted, but could never have.  I have dreams of you.  Some nights I dream of carrying you.  Some nights I dream of giving birth to you.  Some nights I dream of your beautiful face, laughing, and playing, saying "I love you mommy!"  I know it's best this way though.  As much as it pains me to know I'll never get to meet you, I know it's best this way because I know you would hurt greatly.  You could inherit my Autism, and potentially be bullied most if not all of your life.  Society doesn't accept people like us, and growing up that way was very hard on me.  You could inherit my depression, something so crippling, and the possibility that you could have it worse than me makes my heart ache.  I got it worse than everyone else in my family, who's to say you won't get it worse than me?  You're life would constantly be in jeopardy to yourself.  If you hurt yourself, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.  You could inherit my schizophrenia.  The world would see you as mad and crazy.  The world would be merciless to you.  You wouldn't be able to tell what's real in life, and what isn't.  You would constantly be in fear.  This is no way for a child to live. I wouldn't even want my enemies to suffer what I suffer, so how could I let my own child suffer through them?

I've written letters to you in the past.  When there was a guy I thought I'd end up being married to, I would write letters to you telling you how your daddy and I met and how much we'd love you.  Now that I have married a good man, your daddy, now I know there's no chance of meeting you.  You deserve better than what I could ever give you.  I know that no parent is perfect, but you would be so humiliated with me being your mother.  When I flip out because of my paranoia or my hallucinations, you would be so humiliated.  Imagine if one day you have friends over, and I flip out, you would probably hate me and never forgive me.  Kids would make fun of you for having a "psychotic mother."  Your daddy and I struggle a lot with money.  I'd want to give you the best life you could have, not worry about if you'd have enough food to eat.  Your mommy can't work, and your daddy would have to make $30-35k a year AT LEAST in order for just the two of us to survive without your grandparents helping us.  How could you live a good life with us, when we could possibly become homeless?

All I've ever wanted was to meet you, and to take care of you.  I want to raise you to help those who can't help themselves, and I want to raise you in the ways of the Lord.  I want you to bring hope to those who have none left.  Even if the world can't see you as real, you're very real to me.  You've always been real to me.  There have been times I've tried to forget about you, knowing I can never have you.  But you always come back, and the pain gets worse every time, knowing you'll only be real in my dreams.  I've been told "You can be the aunt all the kids want to be around!"  But that's not enough for me.  I don't want just the good in having a child, I want the bad too!  I want to be there when you stumble.  I want to be there even when you say you hate me.  I want to be there even to change your diaper (which believe me, is no easy feat for your mommy and daddy)!  When someone breaks your heart, I want to be there for you.  When you are feeling hopeless, I want to be there for you and tell you, "I know what you're going through, I've been there, and there is hope at the end of the tunnel; no matter how bad things get."  I want to show you and the world that "through God, ALL things are possible."  It's possible for you to prove everyone wrong about you.  You don't have to conform to what everyone thinks or wants you to be.  You can be the beautiful man or woman God created you to be.  Despite all the odds, you can have true happiness and true peace.  Believe me, it's very difficult, and it's something I still have to learn myself.

I love you so much, the only person who loves you more than your mommy and daddy is Jesus.  Since I love you so much, I know I can't be selfish.  I can't just want you for myself.  I don't want you to suffer the way I've suffered, if not even more than I have suffered.  As Rocky Balboa once said, "It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently."  Though there is hope in Jesus Christ.  Through Him we can conquer the things that cripple us.  Your mommy and daddy would be there for you and support you all the way, but again, I can't be selfish knowing how much you'd suffer because of your mommy.

Your mommy will always love you, even if you only exist in my dreams....



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