Wednesday, April 19, 2017

War Over Me

I was listening to this song earlier this week and I completely feel this song.  This song is MY LIFE right now.  I've been severely suicidal for 5-6 weeks, and I definitely feel like there's a war inside me. One end wants to kill me, while the other end wants to help me live.  I'm caught in the middle of this war.  Sometimes one side is winning over the other side.  I know I can't kill myself though.  If I did, what kind of message would I be giving to those who are struggling?  People would be hurt if I killed myself, especially my husband.  I've been told he'd probably be in and out of the hospital constantly.  How could I do that to him?  No, I have to keep going, no matter how difficult it is.  Don't get me wrong, I don't claim my issues are worse than anyone else's.  My struggles are just that, MY struggles.  I'm open about them on here to give hope for those who have none, and understanding to those who don't understand struggles such as suicide, self-harm, or even depression.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through this, it really is going to be by God's grace and power if I make it through this, but I know He can do it.  I just have to believe He will help me through this.  We have a purpose in life.  I don't know what my purpose is yet.  Maybe it's to help people, I honestly don't know.  The things I used to think were my purpose are unachievable, so now I need new dreams and to find out what really IS my purpose.  As I'm typing this my cat Shiro is under the table like he usually is when I'm on the computer.  Even he has a purpose.  He's very therapeutic for me, and I hope I am the same for him since he's a rescue.  I don't know where I'd be without him, and I know if it weren't for my husband, I would be dead by now.

I have to fight for my life.  I can't allow the enemy to win.  He wins if I give in.  So I have to keep going, keep enduring, keep pressing forward, and keep relying on God to get me through this.

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