This might be a bit of a long entry. I've got a lot I want to get out.
The last five-six weeks has been really tough for me. I'm not going to get into all the details but it's been one of my most difficult times. I'm highly stressed out, I have severe anxiety, and my meds aren't helping like they used to. I went to my psychiatrist last week and told him and he refused to change my meds. My PTSD has been so bad lately and it just continues to get worse and worse. I usually have bad dreams (typically they're demonic), but now I'm having dreams of old memories. Not only am I having flashbacks awake, I'm having them in my sleep now too! Last week, I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed a glass I was going to break and slit my wrists with it. My husband was in the kitchen with me and he didn't know what I was doing. I really didn't want to do it, I don't want to leave my husband a widower, but I sometimes feel like there's no other option for me. I feel like the world would be better off without me, and I just want to escape from everything. It feels like I'm drowning and no matter how much I try to stay afloat, I can't. No matter how much I scream for help, no one can hear or help me. I'm too far out for lifeguards to reach me and there's too much turbulence in the water. I feel like no matter how much I look for an exit, I can't find one. When I was holding that glass, I said quietly, "Please, help me, get this glass away from me." My husband heard and had to wrestle the glass out of my hands some. He and my mom threatened to take me to the hospital or call 911 and I told them there wouldn't be enough time for 911 to come because if I'm forced to go to the hospital, I WILL KILL MYSELF. They can't help me. They've never been able to help me. I just get really homesick. Plus with my digestive issues, I wouldn't be able to eat, and not eating means I can't take my anti-psychotic, which means my schizophrenia gets worse, which means I'd be staying even longer. Last time I went they didn't even change my meds! I can't sleep now, it's even worse at the hospital for me because we can't close the door (so the light comes in) and I hear them talking in the hallway. If I were to slit my wrists, it'd be painful yes, but I think it'd be a quick death. On top of that, I heard they can't stitch that area, so I would bleed out quickly. I'm not giving ANY ideas to people, because I do have an alternative I learned recently. I tried it out this morning, and even though it didn't help completely, it helped more than I thought it would, but I'l be getting into that later.
Anyway, I've been trying to listen to Christian music and I've been doing a personal online Bible Study. I started sometime last year and never got around to finishing, so I started where I had left off. Even though I've been so stressed out that I even have a difficult time breathing (and I mean that in the literal sense), I've been trying to keep two things in my mind: First, my husband. Two years ago when he found me laying on the bed after overdosing on sleeping pills, it has scarred him for life I think. He can't see an ambulance or a hospital the same way ever again. If that caused him damage and I didn't die, how much worse could it be if he saw me dead? On top of that, if I had slit my wrists, he would see me bled to death! A violent death. I can't do that to him. He cries whenever I cut myself, can you imagine if saw me bleed to death? I can't do that to him. The other thing I've had on my mind is Jesus. Why would I need to hurt myself, whether it's cutting or suicide, when he already did that for me? The whole point of him being crucified was so I wouldn't have to! I do have an out, it may not be the way I want out, and it may not be a complete out, but there is one person who does understand me: Jesus. He understands my pain - he went through it himself. People even thought he was suicidal (John 8:22 - The people asked, "Is he planning to commit suicide? What does he mean 'You cannot come where I am going'?")
There's a song I really like I've been listening to called "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz. I recommend the entire song, but I want to focus on the chorus:
Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest, at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to just breathe
I feel (I know I use that phrase A LOT) like there's nowhere else I can go. It's either death, or Jesus at this point. Either I kill myself and hurt people, or I fall at Jesus' feet and let him take care of me. Last week I had called a Christian suicide hotline thinking maybe they could help me on the spiritual aspect, now I know next time to call the OFFICIAL suicide hotline; the one I called didn't help at all. The person I talked to clearly didn't understand what goes on in the mind of someone who's suicidal. First when I told her I had tried to kill myself three times in the past, she accused me of BRAGGING about it. Seriously? Then she said I was selfish for even considering suicide. Suicide is a selfish act, but when you're in that mindset, you DON'T tell someone who's suicidal that they're being selfish. It makes things worse because in their mind, they are doing the world a favor. Then she said God was going to heal me. I told her, "That's not necessarily true. Sometimes we don't get healed until we're in the next life. Sometimes it's a struggle until the end." The conversation was no help at all. If you're feeling suicidal, PLEASE call the OFFICIAL suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Anyway, if we go to Jesus, it doesn't mean our struggle will completely go away. He never promised that. Maybe Joel Osteen will promise something like that, but Jesus doesn't. He promises our life is going to suck sometimes. The difference is, we won't be alone - he's there with us.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
"I will give you rest." Jesus is NOT saying he will completely take it away, but that we will find rest. In other words, he will help us through our struggles. Sometimes he'll take some of our struggles away, but this is few and rare. Usually, he helps us to get through life despite our struggles.
I'm not the type who says, "The devil made me do it" or "Satan is causing all my issues." But, I do feel like he's attacking me. It's one thing after another and he knows I'm close to falling off the edge and just end things permanently. He would love nothing more than to see me take my life. I can't let him win though, no matter how broken I may be. As I said before, my PTSD continues to get worse and worse. More flashbacks, more memories, more old emotions I thought I had finally gotten past, and now my memories are appearing in my dreams too. I can't seem to be able to escape them. So I just need to fall at Jesus feet and breathe. He will somehow take care of me. I don't know how he's going to help me get through this, I just know somehow he will.
Do you struggle with cutting? I learned a way to help with that from a therapist. Get red food dye, and put it in warm water for a few minutes. After that press the tip as hard as you can without breaking through the skin, and squeeze it where you want to cut. For me this morning, it was all along my vein. It looked and felt like real blood. The only problem is when you clean it off. I had a difficult time getting it off my arms. I showered and scrubbed really hard and I don't know if I got it all off because my arms are red now. I don't know if that's the food dye spread or if I just scrubbed too hard, lol. It helped relieve some of my stress. I feel a little less on edge. I recommend doing this when you feel the need to cut. Even if you're suicidal and thinking about slitting your wrists (which I pray you won't do), this can help (that's why I did it along my veins). Also, please don't keep your pain to yourself. Talk to someone about it. Whether it's a friend, a family member, a pastor, or a therapist, talk to someone about it. You are here for a reason, take it from someone who's learned it the hard way. I've made three suicide attempts and almost two other ones. I haven't died yet because God has me here for a reason. What that reason is I don't know, but if I were expendable or no longer needed to be here (though God doesn't really NEED me), I'd be gone, whether by my own hands or another way. You have a purpose here too or you'd already be gone. DON'T take your life. It will hurt a lot of people, they will forever question themselves. "Why did they do that? Why didn't I see the signs so I could help? Did I cause them to do this?" They will blame themselves even if they had nothing to do with it. If you survive, you could have permanent damage done (like for me I have a brain injury and could later have kidney issues after having two massive overdoses). I've heard stories with even worse permanent damage. One person tried to get hit by a train and survived, but they lost their legs. Another person put a shotgun in their mouth and shot themselves and now they have a deformed face. If you survive, it could cause you even more problems than when you hadn't tried. So breathe, and rest on Jesus. Let him hold you while you cry on his shoulder. You're going to get through this. Even if it doesn't seem like it, you will.