Already Over

The band "Red" does this song.  Here are the lyrics:

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over


There are two parts of this song.  According to the band it's about addiction (the first part) and then running to God (the second part).  As I have mentioned in a previous blog entry, I have an addictive personality, which means I tend to move from one addiction to another.  I used to be addicted to porn as a teen.  I moved from that to being addicted to eating (not an addiction to food, but the actual process of eating).  I still have this addiction plus another one - cutting.  Addictions are so hard to get over.  If anyone tells you it's easy, they're lying.  

How I got over my addiction to porn:
I got rid of the computer that was in my room and put it in a place other people could see what I was doing.  For a year I only went on the internet for school.  Other than that I stayed off the computer.  It was hard, especially cutting it out cold turkey.  I still struggle if it pops up on the computer, but now I can avoid it for the most part.  I can even click the little "x" button when it pops up, though sometimes it takes a while before I can do that.  It sort of paralyzes me when it pops up, but then when I come to my senses I can get rid of it.

How I'm dealing with my addiction to cutting:
I have symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I guess it's really common for people with BPD to turn to cutting.  It's a way of releasing tension.  I get so overwhelmed with emotions I've got to let it out somehow.  I've been able to stop cutting for a week.  This was not easy though.  I talk to my husband and my mom for help and sometimes a couple of my friends.  I also try to distract myself like playing a video game or something.  Something that will help me get my mind off of whatever is causing me to be so emotional.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  But it's a work in progress.

How I'm dealing with my addiction to eating:
This one is the trickiest.  I don't HAVE to have porn to live.  I don't HAVE to cut to live.  But I HAVE to eat to live.  The trick is eating only what I need to eat.  Having the right portions, eating the right kind of food, etc.  I tend to eat way too big of portions and the wrong kind of things to eat.  I eat and eat and eat constantly.  I'm going to OA (Over eaters Anonymous) and when we move closer to my parents I'm hoping my mom can help me better with my portion sizes.

I go to both Over eaters Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery (I'm in the dealing with grief group).  I may end up switching to the codependency group.  They really do help with dealing with addictions.  They go by a Twelve-Step program and I'm at around Step 2 or 3.  It's going to take a while for me before I can get to the final step, but I'm ready to take a while if needed.  It's also got a Christian element to it and that helps a lot too.  You don't have to be a Christian to attend, but I can say at least for myself that the Christian element helps me a lot.

If we are going to conquer our addictions, we have to run to God.  We have to cling to his feet and allow Him to work in us.  I don't know how anyone can truly beat an addiction without Christ.  Maybe that's just me.  I mean without Christ, what's the point in quitting an addiction?  What else is there to run to?  What if you've already lost your family and friends and you're all alone in this?  Where else is there to go to when you've lost everything already?  But Christ doesn't leave us, even when it feels like it.  I know what it's like to experience the silence of God.  Every time I cut, I experience the silence of God more and more.  You'd think that'd make me quit wouldn't you?  It makes me WANT to quit, but it's hard to quit an addiction.  So what do I do?  I plead to God to help me through it and when I give in, I ask Him to forgive me.  I can't get over these addictions without Him.  I can have my friends and family support me, but it's going to take a miracle for me to break these addictions and God is in the business of miracles.