I made a realization last night around 1 in the morning. I've been praying a lot and I haven't understood why God has been so silent with me. It's made me think he doesn't want me anymore. I know silence doesn't necessarily mean this, but it's been going on for quite a while and I'm so desperate for help. As I was praying before I went to sleep, something occurred to me. I haven't been reading my Bible, I haven't been listening to Christian music, and I haven't been going to church because I'm afraid of things that will trigger me. But because I haven't been doing these things, could it actually be that I'm shutting God out?
You may say "You don't have to listen to Christian music or go to church to be a Christian." That's true, but they help, a lot! Christian music is encouraging and you need community which church offers. It's important to have a community of people who support you and will worship God with you. A community of people who will pray for you. We are the body of Christ together. The body can't function with just one part, you need the entire body to function.
I haven't exactly been listening to encouraging music lately. I mean, I even set up a playlist called "Suicide" for in case I end up leaving this world by my own hands. If I'm going to get out of this pit I'm in, I should probably listen to more encouraging music.
Reading my Bible...believe it or not this might be the most difficult for me out of the three. Sure church and music can be triggers, but reading my Bible can also be a trigger, as well as I typically don't remember to do it. I tend to tell myself, "I'm going to read it today" and end up forgetting about it completely until I'm going to bed. So the next day I tell myself the same thing and the same thing happens again. So whenever I remember to do it, instead of putting it off I should just go ahead and read it; it doesn't even need to be a lot of reading, a little bit would be okay. As long as I actually do it!
So now I'm determined, I'm going to read my Bible after I write this blog, I'm listening to Christian music as I write this, and if weather permits it I'm returning to church on Sunday. I'm not going to put this off anymore. Maybe God will still be silent after I do these things, I don't know. But maybe he'll speak to me through these things. Maybe this is my first step towards healing. As a child of God these are things I need to do whether he speaks to me or is silent with me. He doesn't owe me anything, but I owe Him everything.