Breaking the Habit

This blog entry is going to be a little different from my other ones.  When I'm in the mood to cut myself, I often times listen to this song, though my husband says it doesn't really make sense because it's about breaking a habit, rather than giving into a habit.  Here are the lyrics:

Memories consume like opening the wounds
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than any time before
I have no options left again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I get consumed with memories that really hurt me.  I may forget a lot of things due to my brain injury, but the things I want to forget I never can.  The memories torment me day and night - things I've done, and things people have done to me.  I often just stay in my room, fighting these memories.  Some days are so overbearing for me, I can't fight them anymore.  So I grab the scissors from the kitchen and lock myself in the bathroom and cut.  It's almost like a drug for me.  I form a fist to tense my arm and start cutting.  I can't seem to be able to stop cutting.  Most of the time it's a weekly thing for me, but there are some weeks I do it more than once.  One week I did it for three days.  I hate that I do this.  I don't really know how to cope.  I've learned different ways of coping, but when I really need them they don't work for me like cutting does.  I have a very addictive personality, I went from being addicted to porn as a teen to being addicted to eating, and now I'm addicted to cutting too.  I've asked a couple of churches to be praying for me that I'll be able to stop.  Cutting is a cry for help.  I don't really know how to stop.  If I don't do it, I get suicidal.  But when I cut, while the suicidal feelings may go away, I still feel miserable.  I don't really have relief from doing it anymore.  I fear eventually I'll need to go to the hospital because I fear I may start cutting deeper.  Eventually I may cut so deep I have to be hospitalized.  I've been too ashamed to go to my Celebrate Recovery group because I keep cutting, and I'm afraid I may trigger someone if I talk about it.

I want help from doing this.  Some may say I'm really not ashamed of cutting because I don't really hide my scars.  First off, I don't have very many long sleeve shirts because I get hot very easily.  But I don't flaunt my scars.  I don't go around showing everyone.  Usually I just hope no one notices them.  I've got a bunch of them on one arm and a few on the other.  If I don't stop soon I'll be moving onto cutting my legs.  I'm so sick and addicted to cutting that when I look at my body, I look for other areas to cut.  I absolutely hate this!  I want to get better.  I want to be whole.  But I'm a very broken person.  I honestly wonder if I'll ever be whole.  I've given up so much hope.  Some people know my struggles, some of you may be surprised to know how sick I am.  I'm always a step behind attempting to take my life again.  But there's still a little bit of fight in me that says, "I don't want to go out this way."  I think when people reach to the point they decide to take their life, they feel there are no options left and it can't get any worse than the way things are.  But there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe this!  I want to believe there are more options.  I want to believe there is hope in me getting better!  I want to fight my natural tendencies to want to give up!  I don't want to leave my husband a widower because I killed myself!  There has to be more, there's just gotta be more than this!  I want to help people, but how can I help anyone if I can't even help myself?

I find myself often times feeling abandoned by God.  I ask him, "Why aren't you helping me?  Why must I keep getting sicker?"  But there's only silence.  I try to cling onto someone who seems to give me the silent treatment.  But what if he's not as silent as I think he is?  What if he's actually talking to me by the people around me?  What if in the silence, he's actually saying, "Read my Word if you want to hear my voice?"  I'll admit, I'm not very good about reading his Word.  To be honest, I suck at it.  I often think I'm probably the lousiest follower he's got.  I don't read his Word, most of my prayers are complaints, other than my blog I really don't go talking about him very often.  I mean, he's the most important person to me and yet I hardly talk about him other than feeling abandoned by him!  It's no wonder I'm so depressed and feel abandoned by him!  Sure there are a lot of people who have abandoned me over the years, so I do know what abandonment feels like.  But it's crazy to think God has abandoned me.  He promised he would never leave me nor forsake me.  I know he keeps his promises.  So I need to hold onto those promises he's made.  You know another promise he made?  Life would not be easy for me because I follow him.  But he would be with me during those difficult times.  I'm not going through life alone.  Even if no one else understands what I'm going through, he does.

So, I'm going to try to break the habit of doubting God's love for me.  I'm going to try to break the habit of thinking no one, including God, cares about me.  I'm going to try to break the habit of cutting.  I'm going to try to keep breathing and embrace my sorrow and suffering instead of fleeing from them.  Maybe I'll learn something through all of this.  But I'm going to need a lot of prayer for this.  I'm a very weak person and life beats me to the ground and I often can't get up from it.  Life often cripples me.  But I'm going to keep trying to fight it.