Already Over

The band "Red" does this song.  Here are the lyrics:

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over


There are two parts of this song.  According to the band it's about addiction (the first part) and then running to God (the second part).  As I have mentioned in a previous blog entry, I have an addictive personality, which means I tend to move from one addiction to another.  I used to be addicted to porn as a teen.  I moved from that to being addicted to eating (not an addiction to food, but the actual process of eating).  I still have this addiction plus another one - cutting.  Addictions are so hard to get over.  If anyone tells you it's easy, they're lying.  

How I got over my addiction to porn:
I got rid of the computer that was in my room and put it in a place other people could see what I was doing.  For a year I only went on the internet for school.  Other than that I stayed off the computer.  It was hard, especially cutting it out cold turkey.  I still struggle if it pops up on the computer, but now I can avoid it for the most part.  I can even click the little "x" button when it pops up, though sometimes it takes a while before I can do that.  It sort of paralyzes me when it pops up, but then when I come to my senses I can get rid of it.

How I'm dealing with my addiction to cutting:
I have symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I guess it's really common for people with BPD to turn to cutting.  It's a way of releasing tension.  I get so overwhelmed with emotions I've got to let it out somehow.  I've been able to stop cutting for a week.  This was not easy though.  I talk to my husband and my mom for help and sometimes a couple of my friends.  I also try to distract myself like playing a video game or something.  Something that will help me get my mind off of whatever is causing me to be so emotional.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  But it's a work in progress.

How I'm dealing with my addiction to eating:
This one is the trickiest.  I don't HAVE to have porn to live.  I don't HAVE to cut to live.  But I HAVE to eat to live.  The trick is eating only what I need to eat.  Having the right portions, eating the right kind of food, etc.  I tend to eat way too big of portions and the wrong kind of things to eat.  I eat and eat and eat constantly.  I'm going to OA (Over eaters Anonymous) and when we move closer to my parents I'm hoping my mom can help me better with my portion sizes.

I go to both Over eaters Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery (I'm in the dealing with grief group).  I may end up switching to the codependency group.  They really do help with dealing with addictions.  They go by a Twelve-Step program and I'm at around Step 2 or 3.  It's going to take a while for me before I can get to the final step, but I'm ready to take a while if needed.  It's also got a Christian element to it and that helps a lot too.  You don't have to be a Christian to attend, but I can say at least for myself that the Christian element helps me a lot.

If we are going to conquer our addictions, we have to run to God.  We have to cling to his feet and allow Him to work in us.  I don't know how anyone can truly beat an addiction without Christ.  Maybe that's just me.  I mean without Christ, what's the point in quitting an addiction?  What else is there to run to?  What if you've already lost your family and friends and you're all alone in this?  Where else is there to go to when you've lost everything already?  But Christ doesn't leave us, even when it feels like it.  I know what it's like to experience the silence of God.  Every time I cut, I experience the silence of God more and more.  You'd think that'd make me quit wouldn't you?  It makes me WANT to quit, but it's hard to quit an addiction.  So what do I do?  I plead to God to help me through it and when I give in, I ask Him to forgive me.  I can't get over these addictions without Him.  I can have my friends and family support me, but it's going to take a miracle for me to break these addictions and God is in the business of miracles.

Out With the Old, In with the New

I made a realization last night around 1 in the morning.  I've been praying a lot and I haven't understood why God has been so silent with me.  It's made me think he doesn't want me anymore.  I know silence doesn't necessarily mean this, but it's been going on for quite a while and I'm so desperate for help.  As I was praying before I went to sleep, something occurred to me.  I haven't been reading my Bible, I haven't been listening to Christian music, and I haven't been going to church because I'm afraid of things that will trigger me.  But because I haven't been doing these things, could it actually be that I'm shutting God out?

You may say "You don't have to listen to Christian music or go to church to be a Christian."  That's true, but they help, a lot!  Christian music is encouraging and you need community which church offers.  It's important to have a community of people who support you and will worship God with you.  A community of people who will pray for you.  We are the body of Christ together.  The body can't function with just one part, you need the entire body to function.

I haven't exactly been listening to encouraging music lately.  I mean, I even set up a playlist called "Suicide" for in case I end up leaving this world by my own hands.  If I'm going to get out of this pit I'm in, I should probably listen to more encouraging music.

Reading my Bible...believe it or not this might be the most difficult for me out of the three.  Sure church and music can be triggers, but reading my Bible can also be a trigger, as well as I typically don't remember to do it.  I tend to tell myself, "I'm going to read it today" and end up forgetting about it completely until I'm going to bed.  So the next day I tell myself the same thing and the same thing happens again.  So whenever I remember to do it, instead of putting it off I should just go ahead and read it; it doesn't even need to be a lot of reading, a little bit would be okay.  As long as I actually do it!

So now I'm determined,  I'm going to read my Bible after I write this blog, I'm listening to Christian music as I write this, and if weather permits it I'm returning to church on Sunday.  I'm not going to put this off anymore.  Maybe God will still be silent after I do these things, I don't know.  But maybe he'll speak to me through these things.  Maybe this is my first step towards healing.  As a child of God these are things I need to do whether he speaks to me or is silent with me.  He doesn't owe me anything, but I owe Him everything.

My Demons

I just found this song yesterday and I really feel this song.

Mayday! Mayday!
The ship is slowly sinking
They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling
They're all around me,
Circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
Wash away my colors

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

I cannot stop this sickness taking over
It takes control and drags me into nowhere
I need your help, I can't fight this forever
I know you're watching,
I can feel you out there

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

Take me over the walls below
Fly forever
Don't let me go
I need a savior to heal my pain
When I become my worst enemy
The enemy

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons

Some people think I'm crazy, but no one understands these feelings I have.  Not even I understand these emotions.  I'm surrounded by these feelings and I'm like prey to them.  They pick at my bones and tear off my flesh, leaving only my skeleton left.  

I can't help that I'm sick.  I'm getting sicker and I can't stop it.  Perhaps it's fate that I continue to get sicker.  I need help.  Whether it's my depression or my cutting, I need help because it's keeps getting worse.  I can't continue to fight a losing battle.

I'm my own worst enemy.  I need God to rescue me from my despair.  I often pray and ask God to not let me go.  I'm often afraid I'm just going to fade away in the wind.  I'm afraid I'm just going to walk away from Him.  I need Him to hold onto me as long as He can.

God can make everything okay if He chooses to.  Sometimes I wonder if he allows me to be miserable because maybe he's trying to teach me something through this; in which if that's the case I'm failing miserably.

My sickness is my demon.  It's my thorn.  Some day it will go away, I'm just afraid of what it might take for it to go away.....

Breaking the Habit

This blog entry is going to be a little different from my other ones.  When I'm in the mood to cut myself, I often times listen to this song, though my husband says it doesn't really make sense because it's about breaking a habit, rather than giving into a habit.  Here are the lyrics:

Memories consume like opening the wounds
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than any time before
I have no options left again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I get consumed with memories that really hurt me.  I may forget a lot of things due to my brain injury, but the things I want to forget I never can.  The memories torment me day and night - things I've done, and things people have done to me.  I often just stay in my room, fighting these memories.  Some days are so overbearing for me, I can't fight them anymore.  So I grab the scissors from the kitchen and lock myself in the bathroom and cut.  It's almost like a drug for me.  I form a fist to tense my arm and start cutting.  I can't seem to be able to stop cutting.  Most of the time it's a weekly thing for me, but there are some weeks I do it more than once.  One week I did it for three days.  I hate that I do this.  I don't really know how to cope.  I've learned different ways of coping, but when I really need them they don't work for me like cutting does.  I have a very addictive personality, I went from being addicted to porn as a teen to being addicted to eating, and now I'm addicted to cutting too.  I've asked a couple of churches to be praying for me that I'll be able to stop.  Cutting is a cry for help.  I don't really know how to stop.  If I don't do it, I get suicidal.  But when I cut, while the suicidal feelings may go away, I still feel miserable.  I don't really have relief from doing it anymore.  I fear eventually I'll need to go to the hospital because I fear I may start cutting deeper.  Eventually I may cut so deep I have to be hospitalized.  I've been too ashamed to go to my Celebrate Recovery group because I keep cutting, and I'm afraid I may trigger someone if I talk about it.

I want help from doing this.  Some may say I'm really not ashamed of cutting because I don't really hide my scars.  First off, I don't have very many long sleeve shirts because I get hot very easily.  But I don't flaunt my scars.  I don't go around showing everyone.  Usually I just hope no one notices them.  I've got a bunch of them on one arm and a few on the other.  If I don't stop soon I'll be moving onto cutting my legs.  I'm so sick and addicted to cutting that when I look at my body, I look for other areas to cut.  I absolutely hate this!  I want to get better.  I want to be whole.  But I'm a very broken person.  I honestly wonder if I'll ever be whole.  I've given up so much hope.  Some people know my struggles, some of you may be surprised to know how sick I am.  I'm always a step behind attempting to take my life again.  But there's still a little bit of fight in me that says, "I don't want to go out this way."  I think when people reach to the point they decide to take their life, they feel there are no options left and it can't get any worse than the way things are.  But there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe this!  I want to believe there are more options.  I want to believe there is hope in me getting better!  I want to fight my natural tendencies to want to give up!  I don't want to leave my husband a widower because I killed myself!  There has to be more, there's just gotta be more than this!  I want to help people, but how can I help anyone if I can't even help myself?

I find myself often times feeling abandoned by God.  I ask him, "Why aren't you helping me?  Why must I keep getting sicker?"  But there's only silence.  I try to cling onto someone who seems to give me the silent treatment.  But what if he's not as silent as I think he is?  What if he's actually talking to me by the people around me?  What if in the silence, he's actually saying, "Read my Word if you want to hear my voice?"  I'll admit, I'm not very good about reading his Word.  To be honest, I suck at it.  I often think I'm probably the lousiest follower he's got.  I don't read his Word, most of my prayers are complaints, other than my blog I really don't go talking about him very often.  I mean, he's the most important person to me and yet I hardly talk about him other than feeling abandoned by him!  It's no wonder I'm so depressed and feel abandoned by him!  Sure there are a lot of people who have abandoned me over the years, so I do know what abandonment feels like.  But it's crazy to think God has abandoned me.  He promised he would never leave me nor forsake me.  I know he keeps his promises.  So I need to hold onto those promises he's made.  You know another promise he made?  Life would not be easy for me because I follow him.  But he would be with me during those difficult times.  I'm not going through life alone.  Even if no one else understands what I'm going through, he does.

So, I'm going to try to break the habit of doubting God's love for me.  I'm going to try to break the habit of thinking no one, including God, cares about me.  I'm going to try to break the habit of cutting.  I'm going to try to keep breathing and embrace my sorrow and suffering instead of fleeing from them.  Maybe I'll learn something through all of this.  But I'm going to need a lot of prayer for this.  I'm a very weak person and life beats me to the ground and I often can't get up from it.  Life often cripples me.  But I'm going to keep trying to fight it.

Alana and the Man

The pain Alana was feeling was unbearable.  The memories broke her to pieces.  She couldn't take it anymore.  She went to the kitchen quietly to not disturb her husband and grabbed the scissors.  She took the scissors to the bathroom and shut the door so no one would see.  She rolled up her sleeve and made a fist in her hand.  The tears could no longer fall from her face.  She cried about the memories so much she no longer could cry over them.  The blade sliced through her skin as each time she tried to cut harder and harder.  "I have to do this," Alana thought.  "It's the only way to numb the pain."  The scissors began to be stained with her blood as she kept cutting.  Alana thought, "Why does this have to happen to me?  Why can't I be normal?"

Suddenly, Alana felt a hand on hers that gripped the scissors.  She looked up and saw a man who wasn't her husband.  This man had a look of pity and compassion.  She had never seen anyone like him before.  The man held her hand and told her, "Don't do this to yourself, you're worth more than this."  Alana asked, "Who are you and what would you know?  Are you some sort of angel God has sent to stop me?  He's never stopped me before so why would he all of a sudden care enough to stop me now?"  The man smiled, "Deep down you know who I am.  You're too afraid to admit who I am, but you know already."  Alana looked away from the man, "You're too late, there's nothing that can stop me."  The man answered, "It's your choice whether you stop or not, I did give you free will after all.  But you don't have to do this anymore like you think you do."  Alana pouted, "You heard that huh?  Well, if you really wanted to me quit you would have told me to quit a long time ago."

"I did tell you," the man explained.  "I screamed 'don't do it!' You did not hear me though.  I spoke through other people, your friends, family, and husband.  They told you how hurtful it was that you're doing this.  You did not listen though."

"Why does it matter that I do this?  I'm not hurting anyone.  Since I've been doing this people have said I seem better."

"But you know you're not better doing this.  This is destroying you, and those who know you're doing this, it's destroying them too."

Alana's eyes began to get teary, "No one understands what I'm going through.  I'm all alone in this.  This is the only thing that gives me any relief."  The man had compassion on Alana, "You're not alone.  I know what you're going through.  I can give you relief."  Alana grew angry, "You're never here for me anymore!  You're so distant I can't feel you near me anymore!  You don't care what happens to me.  You're probably the one making me suffer so I can LEARN something!"

"Alana, I'm always with you, even if you don't feel me with you.  I do care what happens to you, why do you think I went to the cross?  You don't need to do this to yourself because I already went through this for you."

Alana asked, "Do you think I'm still beautiful, even with all these scars on my arms?"  The man smiled warmly and showed her his scarred hands, "I have scars too.  I know what it's like to have scars.  But I don't see you with your scars.  When I see you, I see what you'll be like when you're in my Kingdom - perfect and flawless.  Yes, you are still beautiful in my eyes."

Alana started getting a warm feeling in her heart like she hadn't had in a long time.  She knew what he was saying was true.  What reason would he have to lie?  Alana dropped the scissors and began to sob, which she had not done in a while.  "I just wanted to numb the pain."  The man held her close to his heart, "I know, but you don't have to numb the pain anymore.  I'm always here for you.  Give your pain to me."

"I will LORD," Alana answered through her tears.  "I will give you my pain, because in my weakness you're made strong."