Flood

After several people have been telling me to listen to uplifting Christian music instead of depressing music that I'm currently feeling, I decided to do it.  No Papa Roach for a little while.  I was trying to think what song to listen to and I remembered one of my all-time favorite Christian songs, "Flood" by Jars of Clay.  I even decided to practice it on the bass which btw isn't an easy song (it's expert level just so you know and I have a difficult time moving my hand around).  So here are the lyrics:

Rain, rain on my face

It hasn't stopped raining for days

My world is a flood

Slowly I become one with the mud

[Chorus:]

But if I can't swim after forty days

and my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves

Lift me up so high that I cannot fall

Lift me up

Lift me up - when I'm falling

Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying

Lift me up - I need you to hold me

Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Downpour on my soul

Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control

Dark sky all around

I can't feel my feet touching the ground

[Chorus]

Calm the storms that drench my eyes

Dry the streams still flowing

Cast down all the waves of sin

And guilt that overthrow me

[Chorus]

Lift me up - when I'm falling

Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying

Lift me up - I need you to hold me

Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

So as much as I have always loved this song, I'm actually feeling it too (so I got the uplifting Christian aspect and the "I've got the feels" in it too).  The thing about depression is you feel like you're in a really dark place and you're gasping for air to breathe.  You feel like you're drowning in a sea of sorrow.  Everything is out of control for me.  My emotions, my life in general.   Since I've been suicidal (I know that's pretty bad since I actually wrote something on suicide earlier) I feel like I'm dying.  I've been tempted to cut again because I'm so overwhelmed with emotions I just need to release it and cutting always helped me (but there are better ways to do this than cutting).  I'm still not allowing myself to cut though.  I've got so much guilt and shame for the things I've done....the situations I've allowed myself to get into and be vulnerable when I shouldn't have.  I'm stuck in mud, in a pit, and I can't get out.  I'm drowning and gasping for air.  God feels so far away, but I know he's not.  He's close to the broken-hearted and I need to remember this.  I need God to lift me out of this mess.  I need him to help me from drowning even further!

There's a picture I've seen on Facebook several times with Jesus reaching in the water and it says, "Your lifeguard walks on water" and it's so true.  How many times has God helped me when I've been in trouble?  How many times has he saved my ass?  I can't give up.  For the people who support me and for God.  I have to live for him.  He died for me so I could live for him.  No matter how hard it is, no matter how desperate I am, I have to cling onto him.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll get to dry ground with him by my side.