Nessie

Dearest Nessie,

I remember just like yesterday when we got you as a puppy nearly 17 years ago.  It was August, after my 12th birthday.  I had always wanted a dog but never could have one.  Then one evening mom and dad told Zach and me we were getting you.  I was so excited!  I had just come home from a summer youth camp.  We were living in Virginia Beach then.  Mom and I drove down to North Carolina to pick you up.  We had all picked your name, Nessie.  Since your breed comes from Scotland, we wanted a Scottish name for you.  Mom and I got to the house we were picking you up from.  You were only a few weeks old.  We saw all the different puppies in the house, but when I saw you, I instantly knew you were the one coming home with us.  Most of the puppies were sleeping, but you were jumping up and down trying to get our attention.  You were the smallest in the litter.  I held you in my arms and you fell asleep there.  We brought you home and you looked so tiny even in the grass!  You were so small that you couldn’t reach your food in your bowl!  Aunt Courtney came over to see you too, do you remember her?  She brought a toy over for you that was even too big for you!  Aunt Courtney spent the night the first night.  You cried the entire night!  You didn’t really like other dogs, except for Scottie.  He was your buddy!  Remember when Aunt Courtney and I would take you and Scottie for walks together?  You’d go over to Aunt Courtney’s house sometimes and play with Scottie.  You had so much fun with him.

It was a great joy to grow up with you.  I went through a lot of bullying growing up.  I often felt so lonely through that.  But you were there for me.  I always felt I could relate to animals more than people.  You were (and are) the best dog a girl could ask for.  I couldn’t have asked for a better dog growing up.  I’m so glad you were my first dog.  I wish I took you for more walks, I know how much you enjoyed those.  You used to be so full of energy and life.  When we lived in Virginia Beach, I remember you used to run in figure eights in our big backyard.  It was so funny to watch you out there.  I remember when you used to challenge the bigger dogs.  You were certainly a big dog in a small dog’s body.  At Christmas time, mom and dad have a decorative snowman that plays music - you’ve always hated that thing.  It’s funny to see you go after it - it’s even got teeth marks in it!  Whenever something was out of place, you always noticed it.  You would bark at a plastic grocery bag that’d happen to float into our yard until it was gone.

I have so many good memories of you.  When Nick and I first started dating, you were very jealous.  When we’d sit together on the couch, you’d always sit between us.  I’m glad you like him now.  I wanted you to be a part of our wedding, but mom and dad said no.  I suppose you would’ve been pretty miserable if you had been though; smelling all the food there and not being able to eat any of it.

Now you’re 16.5 years old and tired.  It’s difficult to see you sometimes.  You’re so tired and physically so weak.  You hardly eat - something you used to love to do (must’ve taken after me).  You have so many health problems, I know your quality of life isn’t very good anymore.  I know mom and dad are doing the best they can to give you a good life.  I know soon, I will have to say goodbye to you, and it kills me.  I find myself crying often.  Even last night, I cried myself to sleep.  I don’t want to feel my emotions.  I’d rather numb them, but I can’t do that either.  I’ve always feared the day I’d lose you, and I know that day is coming soon.  When I have to say goodbye to you, I’ll try to be strong for you.  When you’re gone, I’ll try to be strong and not give into my dark thoughts of self-harm.  You wouldn’t want that I’m sure.  I’ll try to be strong, and hope one day I’ll get to see you again.  That when the day comes I see Jesus, you’ll come running to me too.  I know you can’t read this, and I know you’re a dog, but you’re not just a dog - you’re my dog.  You will always be my dog.  You’re a good dog, the best!  I will miss you so much, and though I forget many things, I will never forget you.  Thank you for being my best friend for so long.  May we meet again on the other side.

Love,

Allie

Won't Die Within

I haven't written in a while.  Last year sucked, a lot. A friend who was like another mother to me when my husband and I first got married killed herself in the spring.  Then I lost a friend who was like a mentor to me (he became borderline abusive towards me).  Then I had another close friend, but I got too close.  I didn't respect their boundaries.  I didn't understand boundaries (I've been going through a book on boundaries though (I've almost finished it)).  My mental health has been getting worse.  In early November, I had to be hospitalized for a few days.  I hadn't made a plan to kill myself, but I was in the process of coming up with one.  They put me on Lithium, which pretty much did nothing for me.  It didn't make me better, but it didn't make me worse either.  I was taken off that and put on Tryleptal.  That was a disaster.  My BPD episodes were more frequent and more severe.  I was having several episodes a day - all day.  I'd be extremely emotional, then dissociate, and it'd just keep going back and forth between the two - no middle ground.  It was absolutely exhausting.  I couldn't keep up with it anymore.  I tried calling my psychiatrist, but he didn't return my call in time.  The day after Christmas I told my husband that if I went outside I was going to jump off our apartment building.  Honestly, if I did, it probably wouldn't kill me.  I'd probably have broken bones, though I possibly could become paralyzed.  Many times I nearly drank bleach.  I probably wouldn't drink enough to kill me, but it would cause some damage to my organs. Anyway, my husband was really scared.  He told someone what I had said and next thing I know, the police is at my door.  They took me to the hospital (which was a disaster there).  I was there for a few days. I got taken off the Tryleptal.  I haven't been put on anything as a replacement yet, but my episodes aren't as bad as when I was on it at least.

My mental health seems to keep getting worse the older I get, and no one seems to be able to help me.  I've wanted to just disappear since I was a kid.  I've been in therapy since I was 12 years old (that's when I was diagnosed with depression).  Ever since I started therapy, I've been bouncing between therapists.  I keep getting transferred to a different therapist because I'm too much for them.  I'm in a lot of therapy throughout the week.

I've been fighting for my life for a long time, and it's tiresome.  Sometimes I get to the point that I just don't want to fight anymore. I get tired of fighting in a losing battle.  There is a war in my brain and I'm losing.  I just throw my hands up and say, "That's it!  I'm done!  I can't do this anymore!"  I've been very nhilistic, and there's just not much I really care about anymore.

Recently I was taking to my mom on the phone and she asked me, "You really want to kill yourself, don't you?"  I had a difficult time answering her.  You see, I'm an empath.  I feel and take on the emotions others have.  When she asked me that, I could feel pain coming from her.  It made me think, "If I were gone, maybe people really would be sad.  I've really been thinking about things and I've decided, I'm going to keep fighting for my life as long as I can.  I can't promise I'll make it out of this alive, but I'm not going to give up.  I have to keep fighting - if not for myself, I need to at least for the people who care about me.  If they haven't given up on me, I need to not give up either.  The enemy isn't going to destroy me, as much as he would enjoy doing that.  I'm not going down without a fight though.  So go on ahead 2019, bring it!  I'm putting my boxing gloves on and I'm not tapping out.

Boundaries

I've had a really rough couple of weeks; I've been in a deep depression.  I've been going through the book "Boundaries" and once I finish that book I'll be reading a book on attachments.  I keep having the same problems with people over and over again.  I've actually been blaming God for them.  I think he's blessed me with something, and then he takes it away from me; but I've come to realize it's not him taking them away from me - in trying to pull them closer to me I end up pushing them away from me instead.  I keep getting into relationships where I feel really close to someone, and I end up losing them.  I didn't understand why this keeps happening, but now I know.....

First of all, I've never really understood how to establish healthy boundaries.  Either I have no boundaries or my boundaries are so high they can't be penetrated.  There's never been a healthy middle for me.  Generally, when other people have set up boundaries with me in the beginning of the relationship, I've done pretty good with respecting them.  If they start setting boundaries with me later though, I feel really hurt because I take it as they don't really want me.  My boundary issues isn't just with friends though, it's with my husband as well.  I'm not very good with receiving "no."  If my husband tells me no about something, I'll keep begging until I get a yes.  I talked with a friend who also has BPD about what I've been learning about my issues with boundaries and she knew EXACTLY what I was saying.  I guess boundary issues are pretty common with people who have BPD.

Another issue I learned I have is I've always wanted to have one special friend, but whenever I thought I had that special friend, I ended up draining them.  I didn't realize that having only one special friend is really not a good thing.  I need to have several good friends so I don't drain one good friend.  If one friend isn't available to talk, there are others I can talk to.  I get so scared to get close to people, I have a lot of trust issues.  Now I know how I've drained people though.  I put all my eggs in one basket, eventually that basket is going to break - along with all the eggs in it.  I've still got more I need to learn, I have more to read in the book, but this has been pretty eye-opening for me.

To the people I drained and didn't have healthy boundaries with, I'm really sorry.  I know it's too late for me to fix things, but I hope you'll one day forgive me.  I'm sorry I drained you, and I'm sorry I didn't respect your boundaries.  I hope I will learn and grow from all this and be a better person.  Thank you for the time and energy you did spend on me.  I hope I won't make the same mistakes again.

When Your Mental Illnesses Make You Like Gollum

I've been watching the Lord of the Rings movies and I have enjoyed them so far.  I just finished watching the second one in the trilogy.  There was something that I noticed about the second movie though:  I'm a lot like Gollum.

The inner turmoil he goes through is a lot like me when I'm having an episode.

"So-and-so tricked you!  You can't trust them anymore!"
"But so-and-so is my friend, they wouldn't intentionally hurt me...."
"They lied to you!  You can't trust anyone anymore!"

This sort of battle within myself can go on for hours - even days.  This effects me so badly, that I'll hardly eat anything and just spend my time isolating and crying.  Being that I haven't seen all the movies yet or even read the books, I didn't know much about Gollum.  But as I was watching the second movie last night, I felt pity for Gollum.  He wanted to be good, but when he felt betrayed by his only friend (Frodo), the darkness in him won.  The darkness can be difficult to fight, I know that all too well.  It's a battle we must all battle until the day we die.  It can feel like a lonely battle too; like you're fighting this all by yourself - but you're not.  The people who care about you help you fight this battle too.  Most importantly, God helps you fight this battle.

I'm not really sure how to beat the inner turmoil I go through.  I don't know how to end the episodes or to stop them before they really get started.  I stopped it from happening one time, but I don't think it'll work like it used to anymore now.  I've started going through DBT (dialectical Behavioral Therapy) though so hopefully that'll help me.  It's only been recently that I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I guess Tolkien knew something about it before everyone else did.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

It's September, which means it's suicide prevention awareness month.  If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I have a lot to say about the topic on suicide - as someone who has attempted four times in the past nine years and many "almost" attempts.  Suicidal ideations and self-harm are things I still struggle with nearly daily.  Some days are harder than others.  I know what it's like to want to give up, like there's not much left to live for and and you're just tired of the intense pain you feel.  I know what it's like to feel worthless.  I know what it's like to feel like there's not much hope left.  If you are feeling this way, know this: YOU are NOT ALONE.  There are people (like myself) who know what you are going through.  I can empathize with you.  You do have a purpose.  You have more worth than you could ever imagine.  My husband did a podcast interview with me this year on the topic of suicide; if you'd like to listen to it click here.

If you know someone who is struggling with suicide (or self-harm), here are some tips on how to reach them.

- Let them know they aren't going through this alone.  That you are there for them no matter what.  People who are suicidal often feel like they're all alone, even if they're surrounded by many people.  Assure them that they aren't alone, and you're not going to leave them.

- Remain calm with them.  I know for me, if someone starts panicking, I start to panic as well.  I know it can be scary to think someone you care about is suicidal.  But if you remain calm, it's easier for them to remain calm as well.

- (If possible) remove anything around them that they could hurt themselves with.  For example, my husband has locked in a safe all of our belts, medications, and rope.  We also don't have any sharp knives in our apartment.  This could upset them and be a bit of an inconvenience, but if they are seriously considering suicide, remove as many harmful things as possible.

- Stay with them.  Don't leave them alone.  When we're alone, we start idealizing ways to hurt ourselves more than if we're with someone.  Feelings of abandonment makes things so much worse.  If you have to, stay with them overnight.  Of course, you can't watch them 24-7 so if things are progressively getting worse, it may be good to take them to the hospital.  I usually say this as a last resort though.  I've had trauma involving hospitals.  Some hospitals are okay and if your meds are out of whack (or you need meds) then the hospital can help with that.  They just usually don't even touch my meds.



If you are struggling with feeling suicidal, please, don't hurt yourself.  You are more valuable than you realize.  The pain may be intense now, it may even be intense for a long time, but it won't last forever.  The pain doesn't go away when you die - it gets passed on to those who care about you.  That pain for them NEVER goes away.  They continually question themselves on what they could've done to stop you.  Even if you make an attempt and you survive, people look at you differently.  People who knew me before my first suicide attempt, look at me differently since after the first suicide attempt.  You don't want that.

I have had suicidal thoughts lately.  I've chosen not to go through with them though.  I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my husband.  I also want to honor God with my life, and ending my life would not honor Him at all.  So I keep going.  I keep living, with hope that the pain won't be as intense for long.  Have hope, that tomorrow will be a new day with new opportunities.

Humility

What exactly is humility and what does it look like?  This is something I've wondered for a while.  When you think of humility, you think of someone who isn't prideful right?  Someone who doesn't think they're over the top great.  It's also someone who doesn't think they're over the top bad either.  I have a lot of false humility.  What that means is I beat myself up ALL the time and I have a lot of self-hatred.  That's the thing though, there's a lot of self-focus.  Someone who is humble is not self-focused.  They are selfless.  As I've been thinking about the saints, I've noticed a lot of them were selfless.  They didn't focus on themselves, they focused on others.  I spend so much time focusing on my pain or how bad of a person I think I am.  I try to focus on others, but I always go right back to focusing on myself.  I am trying to learn how to be more humble.  They say asking God to help you be humble is a dangerous prayer.  Indeed, I'm a bit afraid to pray it myself.  He won't just give you humility, he'll work you through it.  The thing you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it?  Is humility worth the trials ahead?  Is humility worth being broken for a while?  I'm broken as it is, but if God wants to break me even more in order for me to be humble, then so be it.  Humility is something I really want to have, so I'm prepared to work for it.  I'm tired of always focusing on myself.  I want to focus on the pain others have so I can help or pray for them, and less focus on my own pain.

Suffering

I once had a close friend that I had told I had at the time I tried to end my life.  I had been friends with her nearly all my life.  She had seen the suffering I had been through growing up.  You know what she told me though?  "You've never suffered a day in your life."

I often feel like my suffering is unbearable.  My mind is full of darkness and I can't seem to be able to escape it.  I often find myself asking God to have mercy on me and to end my life.  You may think this is an overreaction, but in my mind, it's not.  I don't think people could last even five minutes in my head.  There are some days where in my tears I beg God to just let me die.  Now, I don't say I suffer more than anyone else.  Different people suffer in different ways and can tolerate a different amount of suffering.  I've reached the point that I don't believe I can handle much more.

Recently though, I've started thinking about the saints (in both Orthodoxy and Catholicism) and their lives.  So many of them suffered, much more than I ever have.  I recently watched a movie about Saint Padre Pio's life.  He faced pain, illnesses, and persecution (from the Church) for 50 years!  Many saints were tortured and killed for their faith in Christ.  Most of my pain is inside my head, though that's not to downplay what I go through.  My pain, however, is not like what the saints have gone through.  If they could go through the suffering they went through, couldn't I as well (with God's help of course)?  If I start considering suicide or self-harm (which I have not cut for three months), I really need to consider if my actions are bringing honor to Christ.  The answer to that is no.  Self-harm and suicide does NOT bring honor to Christ.  It in fact does the opposite.  It brings dishonor to Him.  It says, "My problems are too big for him to help me through" and "My sin is too great for Him to forgive."  Am I sick?  Yes, mentally, I am VERY sick.  But that's not a death sentence either.  While I often feel like I'm cursed with the illnesses I have, God has also greatly blessed me.  To kill myself or to self-harm would be to spit in His face and say that it's not good enough.  If I want to honor Christ, I have to keep living for Him.  It's up to Him how and when I die; it's not up to me.  If I must suffer then so be it, but I know I won't be alone.  Christ is with me after all.  He can help me keep going.  No matter how empty I may feel, He can fill me.  Any suffering I go through in this life, is nothing compared to the joy I'll have with Him some day.  That is where I need to place my hope: that one day I will be with Him.