Go and Sin No More

I'll admit, I'm not perfect.  Sometimes (more like most of the time) I screw up, and some days I screw up more than other days.  I was really beating myself up a couple days ago for something stupid I did (I don't feel ready to talk about it yet).  That night, my husband asked me what I wanted us to read before going to bed and I told him something about forgiveness and mercy.  All day I kept thinking how disappointed Jesus must be with me.  We read the story of the adulterous woman.

Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”  Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

John 8:1-11


"Go and sin no more...."  ALL of us screw up on a daily basis.  We can try all we like but we're still going to screw up and have failures.  But Jesus doesn't look badly at us when we mess up.  Here this woman had been caught in adultery.  While that may not be that big of a deal today (unless you're a big figure like in politics) in the US, it was a HUGE deal back then.  Getting caught in adultery meant the death penalty - being stoned to death.  No that does not mean being "stoned" as in drugs (I hate that I have to point that out but I know some people will make a joke about that), it means people were literally throwing rocks at the person.  We're not talking little pebbles rocks, we're talking about big rocks!

Anyway, I think a lot of us can relate to the woman.  Even if it isn't adultery, we all have screw ups (sin) we do, many times on a daily basis even.  We ALL deserve the death penalty (even what you may think are the small stuff).  BUT, Jesus has mercy and compassion on us.  He knows we screw up ALL the time!  He took our punishment though, He got our death penalty instead of us.  But if we are His followers, we don't have to have that punishment.  God has every right to punish us.  He laid out how we are supposed to live our lives and we break those rules ALL the time!  I think one of the reasons He laid out so many rules was because He wanted to show us that we can't be "good" on our own.  We need Him!

When the Accuser (Satan) tries to beat us to the ground with all of the crap we've done in our lives, Jesus steps in and says "I took their punishment for them.  They belong to me."  We don't have to punish ourselves (which I know for myself I tend to do a lot).

"Go and sin no more...."  What does this mean?  We can't stop sinning all-together, as long as we are breathing we will always screw up.  God knows we can't go without sinning, dare I say we can't be perfect for even a day?  So what does He mean by this?  He means "Don't do it again."  It's like one time as a little kid, I saw the movie "Titanic" with some friends.  My parents had told me not to watch it, but I did anyway (I really was too young to watch it).  After I watched it, I felt really guilty.  When I went home, I told my parents and I think they knew I was feeling really bad for watching it.  So they said "Don't do it again."  Jesus knows we will sin again, He's just saying to not do it again.

I think a lot of times we take advantage of God's grace for us.  We think "Well, He's going to forgive me anyway, so I can do what I want!"  You are taking advantage of His grace that way!  Jesus didn't die just so you could just keep living your life the way you want to!  He did it to break the bondage that you have in your life!  Imagine you're married for a moment, and your spouse has a one night stand.  They tell you and it  breaks your heart, but it only happened once right?  It was a mistake!  Surely they won't do it again!  So you forgive them and say "Don't do it again."  Your spouse then thinks, "Well, they forgave me and didn't leave me."  Next thing you know the one night stand turns into two, three, seven, and so on.  Your spouse took advantage of your grace for them!  It'd really hurt wouldn't it?  It'd really piss you off wouldn't it?  You don't want to be taken advantage of, so why the heck would you want to take advantage of God's grace?  Let's honor His grace and Jesus' sacrifice by doing our best to turn away from whatever sin it is we are living, and thank God for His grace and to help us live our lives without taking advantage of Him.

Never Beyond Repair

If you have read my previous blogs, you know that I often feel so broken, I'll never be repaired.  People have tried to fix me, and they've failed miserably and often give up on me - as if I'm some broken toy and when they can't fix me, I'm thrown into the garbage.  Even if people can't fix us though, does that mean we can't be repaired?  Are our hearts always going to be broken?  In this life we will have many struggles and brokenness.  We won't be fully repaired until the day we are with Jesus.  People can't fix us, we sure as hell can't fix ourselves, so who can?

Jesus.

He CAN repair us!

I'm very broken, my heart seems un-repairable, but He is slowly putting the pieces back together.  He is making me whole.  He is making me new.  Am I still going to have struggles?  Of course!  Am I going to have screw ups and failures?  Definitely!  But He is changing me.  I am learning how Jesus views me.  I'm not going to lie, it's difficult.  When you've looked at yourself poorly for more than two decades, it's a difficult habit to break.  But I am slowly seeing that He sees me differently than I see myself.  He sees me as worth dying for.  I'm not some annoying leech that will suck him dry (many people see me as a leech - I've been called one several times).  He wants me to go to Him.

He wants you to go to Him too :)

A Call to Anguish

David Wilkerson is a pastor I really enjoy listening to.  This is an excerpt from his sermon "A Call to Anguish."  This is an important message for the people in the Church (as in Christians as a whole).  If you want to listen to the entire sermon you can on YouTube, it's nearly an hour long.  Anyway, let's begin.

When you think of people - whether it's a family member, friend, or someone you just met.  What about people you just walk by in the street or in the grocery store?  When you think of people who don't follow Christ, what do you think?

There was a church we used to go to for about a year, and when we were at a Bible study there, a woman said "I'm just waiting for Jesus to come back!  My family are all Christians, my kids are all Christians, we're just waiting for Jesus to come back."  This greatly angered me.  "That's great your family are all believers, but what about the rest of the world?  Do they not matter?"

Then you've got people who follow preachers like Joel Osteen.  So many believers want to just hear ear-tickling sermons that make them "feel good."  They don't care about sermons that would convict them.  They don't want to hear sermons that will point out how broken and screwed up they are.

Going to church for a lot of people is just something they do, it's not because they want to learn about God, it's for a good time.  It's so we can be included in a community.  They want to feel good and only hear how much God loves them, instead of hearing things that convict them.  They'd rather hear how God forgives them, than hear how they should stop that affair, or that addiction, or whatever sin it is.  Hell, I don't want to hear how bad my addictions are.  I don't want to hear that my addictions cause God grief.  But it's important to be reminded of it.  I would rather hear that I'm doing something wrong, than be told that God isn't bothered by my screw ups.

We, followers of Christ, should be weeping for the lost - inside and outside the Church.  It should cause us great pain to think of the people who think they are following Christ, but in reality don't really care.

I used to ask God to give me a heart like David, since he was a man after God's heart.  Now though, I ask God to give me a heart like Jesus.  This is a pretty dangerous prayer I think.  If we have a heart like Jesus, the things that give Him pain will give you pain.  What breaks His heart, will break your heart.  I can tell you, people who don't care about changing breaks His heart.  We should be in anguish with what's going on in the Church!  We should be in pain that the Church is no longer interested in showing the truth to people, but just to make people feel good!

We, the Church, need to get our act straight.  I know the church tends to go from one extreme to another.  Either they're saying everyone is going to hell like Westboro Baptist, or everything is all about love like Joel Osteen.  We need the middle ground.  God is love, but He also has things that anger Him.  We can't have one and ignore the other.  We need to pray for the Church to preach what matters to God.

We should be weeping for the lost.  It should cause us great pain that there are people who are lost and whether intentionally or not, are refusing Christ.  Pray for them, that the Lord will soften their hearts.  Pray that they'll listen to His voice.

One More Light

I really like this song: it's by one of my favorite artists and deals with suicide I think.  I just wish he had listened to his own lyrics.  While the song does make me feel sad for that very reason, I think the lyrics have a good message.  When I found out he had ended his life, I promised myself that I would listen to this song and not follow in his footsteps.  Instead, I would remind myself to keep going.  I recommend you listen to the song and read the lyrics.

Anyway, (I know I do cover suicide a lot in this blog) there are a number of reasons why someone chooses to end their life.  For me, it's very strange how things are with me.  When I'm to the point that I want to end my life, I'm in so much pain and feel like the world would be better off without me.  That's normal, it's the "Better Off Dead" thinking.  But right before I've actually attempted (I'm hoping I don't encourage anyone to do this), and during, I feel numb and apathetic - as if nothing really matters anymore.  While feeling numb does feel good when you're overwhelmed with emotions, this kind of numbness doesn't feel good at all.  It's not the same kind of numbness I get as when I get my fixes (whether it's my cutting or when I binge).  Like I said, it's a numbness that makes you feel like nothing really matters anymore.  It's a VERY dangerous numbness.

Even if you attempt and survive, the people around you are never the same.  After surviving three attempts, I can tell they don't see me the same way as before.  They don't trust me anymore - and I know they have a good reason for it; but it still hurts.  People feel like they're walking on eggshells all the time around you because they're afraid they could trigger you to hurt yourself.  They often wonder if they were the reason why you tried to kill yourself.  Some people will even leave you because they just can't handle it anymore.  My husband can't even look at an ambulance or a hospital the same way as before because he remembers when I was rushed to the hospital in my second attempt.  When you attempt something and survive, you can end up changing your life in bad ways as well.  You can permanently damage organs and other things in your body.  I was lucky to only get a minor brain injury; but I could in the future have kidney issues.  Your relationships will never be the same.  Your personality may be even change (I know mine did).  I know for myself, after I made my first attempt the thought of suicide is in my mind ALL the time - even when I'm not feeling suicidal.  I mean, I thought about it before my attempt, but not as often as I have after the first attempt.  It really changes your life in a negative way.

But there is HOPE!

Whether you are in a lot of pain right now, having Better off Dead thinking, or are feeling apathetic, there is hope to get out of the mess!  It'll take work though, but anything worthwhile in life takes work.  First off, you need to realize you have value.  This is something I still working on in myself.  It's difficult for some of us to not see any value in ourselves - that's why we feel like we're better off dead.  But I'm here to tell you, you ARE valuable!  You think the world would be better off without you?  IT WON'T BE!!!!  Your life is precious!  You are worth living!  Even if you don't see a way to get through things and just want to throw your hands up and give up, you CAN get through it - imagine how much you will have grown as a person to get through it!  You can even help people who are going through it!  "Well Allie, I don't care about anyone or anything anymore."  You may feel that way, but in reality, you do care.  Why else would you think the world would be better off without you?  YOU MATTER!!!!!  Anyone who tells you that you have no value is a liar - even if that person is yourself.

The other thing you need to do is cling to Jesus.  I think we often feel like we have to get through life on our own.  Sometimes we put Jesus in this little box that we only take out to play with when we feel like we really need Him.  But we need to have Him in our life ALL the time!  I'm telling you, you won't survive without Him when you're in the better off dead mindset.  Cling to Jesus, in your tears cry out to Him - He listens, really!  I know it often feels like He's not there.  We feel so alone; like no one understands what we're going through.  But I'm here to tell you, you are NEVER alone!  I've stated many times throughout this blog, and it happens to be one of my favorite verses this year:


Isaiah 53:3

He was despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.



He was a man of sorrows.  He understands our pain.  Been rejected?  He gets it.  Been betrayed?  Been there and got the t-shirt.  He KNOWS whatever pain you're going through and wants to be there for you.  You've got to let Him though.  He won't force Himself - it has to be YOUR decision.  He is bigger than any problem you are going through.  Don't listen to the lies of the enemy.  He seeks to destroy you, not build you up (John 10:10).  But Jesus wants to build you up in His image.  Cling to Him, and He will hold you and never let you go.

Stand My Ground

This year has been a unique one for sure.  I have talked with so many people who are depressed and suicidal (mostly online).  There have been more suicides that I've heard this year in my area too.  There have been over 20 suicides in my state alone this year.  Two artists I grew up listening to also killed themselves - a couple months apart.  Suicide is something that affects me deeply - it might be because I've been there myself; feeling like there is no hope left.  Feeling like I'm a problem to everyone around me.  Being in that dark place that I can't seem to be able to escape.  But there IS hope!

Jesus doesn't see us as problems.  He knows we HAVE problems, everyone has them.  He knows our anguish.  He knows our deep pains.  He knows the darkness inside us.  You feel like you're drowning, but He is our rescuer!  He is our lifeguard!  Even if you've given up hope of ever recovering, He HASN'T and WON'T give up on you!

I was talking with a friend yesterday who's very depressed.  They said the the devil was attacking them because of social problems and loneliness.  They have very dark thoughts and are often caught inside their mind.  Even if the devil attacks us, we need to remember that our God is STRONGER and GREATER than the devil and our problems.  No matter how hopeless the situation may be, there is ALWAYS hope.  We have to STAND OUR GROUND and not let the enemy defeat us - even if the enemy is ourselves.  Do NOT give up!

Someone who struggled a lot with depression once said that inside their mind has a lot of darkness and they can't stay in in their mind by themselves for very long.  This is SO true - or at least it is for me.  Our mind's can be VERY dark - our thoughts can hurt us more than anything else if we let them.  If we isolate ourselves (which I will admit I do often), the only thoughts we really listen to are our own.  Our thoughts can be our worst critics!  So what do you do in that situation?  You rely on what people who care about you think about you.  You may think "I'm such a loser," when those who care about you say you're not.  I have a lot of darkness in me, even when I'm not depressed, I still think of suicide often, and if I stay in my head for very long it takes me to dark places I need to not go in.

 Recently I was looking back at my old blog entries and I'll admit, it took me to some dark places.  I always tried to include hope in my entries, but some of the struggles I had brought back painful memories (such as abuse I was going through).  I had to not give into those thoughts though.  I reflected on how far I've come since then.  I reflected on how Jesus has helped me recover since then.  It's been a tough recovery for sure.  There have been many times where I almost hurt myself in multiple ways.  It was just last year I almost tried to hang myself.  I actually broke a glass once (I think earlier this year) because I was going to cut myself.  I am not one without struggles.  We all have our battles, we all have our demons we have to fight on a DAILY basis; but I can tell you, there IS hope!  No matter how hopeless things may appear, there is always hope in getting through it.  We do not fight these battles alone!  Even if you feel alone, you're not.  There aren't very many people that I personally know who have had all the issues I've had (though don't get me wrong, I am in NO WAY saying I suffer more than anyone else.  I know my struggles are child's play compared to other people), and it can feel very lonely when there aren't people who can relate to your struggles.  But we're not alone!  Jesus understands our despair.  Isaiah 53 says He was a "man of sorrows."  Indeed, He did know great sorrow.  There are a number of places in the Gospels where He wept.  The shortest verse in the Bible is literally "Jesus wept."

He knows our anguish.  He knows our hopelessness.  He knows our fears.  He knows our loneliness.  He actually cried out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Is that ever your cry?  Do you ever feel like God has turned His back on you?  I know for myself, there have been times where I've been ready to rip my hair out and I fall on my arthritic knees and in my tears just cry out "Where are you?  Why aren't you helping me?  Why have you forsaken me?"  Sometimes I wish I had no struggles (though who hasn't wished that?).  I would rather be some puppet than someone with free will.  Ask Nick, I hate making decisions for myself!  I would rather someone else make them for me because I don't want to suffer the consequences of whatever choice I choose.  You know what though?  Our experiences help us grow as people.  If we didn't have them, we wouldn't be human - we'd be robots.  Our struggles shape us into stronger people.

Whether it's the darkness in your mind or the devil is attacking you, you have to stand your ground.  You are literally fighting for your life!  This is an internal war that no one else can fight for you.  People can help, but they can only help so much.  They can't go inside your mind (which the image of that, that comes in mind is the Magic School Bus - can't you imagine Ms. Frizzle going inside your mind?) and fight for you.  They can pray for you, they can support you, they can give you advice, but the only one who can truly fight these battles is YOU.  But you're not alone.  Jesus fights them with us!  In your deep anguish, cling to His feet - He will not let you down.  That doesn't mean things will go away immediately.  They may even go on for the rest of your life!  But He gives you the strength to keep going.  So don't give up!  Keep fighting!

The Dream that Changed Me

I've been thinking about sharing a dream I had a couple years ago, but wasn't sure about sharing it because one:  It's very personal and special to me.  Two:  I'm afraid people will think I'm bragging or thinking I'm someone special or something.  That's not true though.  I am sharing this to bring Jesus glory.

Two years ago, I left Christianity.  I had been a believer since I was fourteen and while I was going through abuse by a minister, I did a lot of cutting; as well as two suicide attempts.  Whenever I cut, God feels far away from me.  I thought God didn't want me anymore, which is a VERY lonely feeling.  Nick (who is also in ministry) was distraught that I had left.  I told him if God really wanted me, He would come for me.  Nick talked with one of his friends about it and he told Nick I wouldn't be gone for very long.  I kid you not, three days later, I had a dream.  This is the dream:



I was in an attic, and the only light was coming from a window.  I was in chains and there were these giant demonic bugs (looked kinda like roaches) holding the chains.  Suddenly, Jesus showed up in front of me.  I started saying horrible stuff to him (I don't remember what they were but I remember they were absolutely terrible).  I started crying and in my tears I uttered "....Help me please...."  Jesus took out a sword and cut the chains.  The chains broke and the bugs (which I believe were demons) left.  I embraced Jesus, thanking him.  He then told me I had a mission, but he didn't tell me what it was.  As I would be walking down the streets, I saw the bugs around other people.  I got rid of the bugs in Jesus name whenever I came across them.  In the end, Jesus showed up again with a bunch of angels.  These angels were HUGE!!!!  Had to be at least 16 feet tall (though I'm not good with measuring)!  I went to Jesus and hugged him again, and he smiled and told me I did a good job.


After I had this dream, I realized Jesus had come for me - just like I said he would if he really wanted me.  I came back to Christianity, and have been one (again) ever since.  I've had my rough patches, and only recently have I really learned just how deep Jesus' love for me is, and even that, I truly don't know just how deep it is.  His love is deeper than we can ever imagine!  He loves you more than you could ever know.  He wants you.  He wants to rescue you, just let him :)

Fake Angels

I was looking back at my previous blog entries to see how I've improved since I started.  Some of them brought back old emotions I had been feeling.  I've talked before about abuse, and around the beginning of my blog for a while I was being abused.  I didn't outright say it because honestly, I didn't realize I was being abused.  All of the signs were there and I didn't recognize it.  While I was not innocent in the matter, this person (who also happened to be a minister) would blame me for everything and insult me.  Everything was always my fault.  He even publicly shamed me!  I wanted to leave the abuse, but I was always reeled back in.  That's how abuse is.  You want to leave, but then you think "Maybe things will be different," "Maybe I/they've changed."  They act like they really care about you, but in reality - you're nothing to them.  You might as well be garbage to them.  This particular person saw me as a project.  He thought he could fix me, but when he realized he couldn't, he ditched me.  He even told my husband "I wish I never tried to help her."  I did everything I could to try to please him, because I had felt like I had already failed my dad, I didn't want to fail another father figure to me.  But that's what happened, he caused me to feel like I had failed another father.  He was quite strange.  He would send me "love songs" and I told him he shouldn't, then he'd be like "Oh no you should send those to Nick!"  It was quite awkward, yet his wife accused me of trying to make the relationship sexual?  Smh.  I felt like the only way I could truly escape it all was to kill myself.  My attempts (yes, more than one attempt) all failed though.  There's a reason why God saved me from them, but I haven't figured out why yet.  Just before Nick and I moved to get away from this guy and his family, I wanted Nick to leave on good terms with them (since they were good friends).  Well, he tried, and my mom tried to help too, but it did not go well.  I wasn't supposed to know what he and his wife said, but I snuck onto Nick's computer to read the e-mail - it broke me so badly I couldn't read it all.  They made so many false accusations of me.  They said I didn't have Autism, I didn't have a brain injury, that I was manipulating Nick when I'd cry, that everything was my fault, and that I tried to make the relationship sexual.  I'm sure they made other accusations in the email but I couldn't read it all.  You know what the worst part is?  He never got in trouble for how he treated me - not even a slap on the hand.  So now he can possibly abuse others.

It's been a difficult road trying to recover from the abuse.  He was the fourth person I've been in an abusive relationship with.  Last year, just after moving, I had to go to the hospital for a week because I was so suicidal.  I had to miss out on a lot of stuff at church because the worship would trigger me (since he was a music minister).  Even my favorite worship song was too triggering for me!  His voice would continue to play in my head.  But I've come a long ways since then.  I hardly hear his voice in my head, his face rarely comes to mind, and I'm able to listen to nearly all the worship songs that were triggering before now.  I've also come to forgive him (and his wife) for how I was treated.  Nick had a hard time forgiving them too, maybe even a more difficult time than for me.  He hated them, but now he pities them.

Things have gotten better between my dad and me since then, and I think it's because I realized I needed to see God as my Father.  I was able to see that "human" fathers are just as fallible as I am, so I could give more grace.  No person is perfect except for Jesus.  My dad even defended me when this minister publicly shamed me!

I've come a long ways since then, but I still have a lot to improve on.  No matter how alone I have felt in my struggles, I know I'm truly not alone.  So many people have abandoned me for a number of reasons, but I know Christ will never abandon me - even if everyone else were to.  While my abuser saw me as a mistake, Jesus NEVER sees me as a mistake.  Do I make mistakes?  Of course!  Everyone does!  But my very existence is not a mistake, just as your very existence is not a mistake.  We were created for a reason.  I'm still trying to find out mine, but I'm sure some day I will find out - in HIS timing though.  So I guess I need to just be patient (which is very difficult).