What is it like being an addict? Well, I can't really speak for anyone other than myself, so I guess I'll tell you what it's like for me as an addict.
First, I have an addictive personality. What I mean by this is I tend to go from one addiction to another. I can't seem to be able to break the addiction cycle. I might be able to beat one addiction, but then I just end up becoming an addict to something else. Everyone's story is different - some may become addicted to something due to peer pressure, others it's a coping mechanism, and there are a hundred other reasons they could have started. We never get into something and think, "Ya know, I think I want to become addicted to (fill in the blank), I think I'll get started on that today." No way! We think, "I can stop this any time I want" - not realizing that, that's the beginning of an addiction. Again though, I'm going to say how it is for me, not other people because we're all different.
My addictions didn't really start until I was a little before a teenager (pre-teen?). Before that I had obsessions with things like Pokemon or learning about animals, but I wouldn't necessarily say they were addictions. My first addiction started when I got some junk mail with my very first email account (I still remember the email address). I'm sure you can probably guess what it was of. It intrigued me, and I began to actively look it up. I got around my parents security on my computer and was looking it up. I don't completely know why. I've had some ideas why I got into it, but completely knowing what caused it, I don't know. Maybe it's because I was at the age where my sexuality was starting to develop. Maybe I was looking for something I didn't think I was getting from others, I really don't know. I would spend a lot of time on the computer looking it up, among other things, every day. It wasn't until I was fourteen when I really stopped. I became a Christian at my first missions trip and I realized I really needed to stop. So I told my parents and quit completely. We moved my computer out of my room and into an open room so my family could check in on me. I also mainly used the internet for school for about a year. I also registered with XXXChurch for extra help, where I used a free program they had (I believe it costs money now though) where I had accountability partners. If I went to any websites that had porn in them, it would get emailed to my accountability partners. If I remember correctly, I chose a couple of my youth leaders and I think my mom as my accountability partners. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy, but it was for me easier to get a handle on than my other addictions. Today I don't actively look it up anymore. Sometimes it pops up on my computer, and when that happens, I sorta freeze for a several seconds - like deer caught in the headlights; until it finally registers in my brain, "You see that red "x" in the top corner? You can click that!" Could I get back into it? I'm sure I could. That's the thing about addictions, I don't think you completely get over it (though I have heard stories of people losing the desire for that addiction). An alcoholic can develop a control where they aren't dependant on a drink anymore; but if they were to have one drink again, the cycle begins again.
In 10th grade, I developed a new addiction - self harm (cutting specifically). I remember it was around Valentine's Day. I had started a new medication and I was really depressed. I had a bad reaction to the medication though - it got me thinking really weird things. I mean, I hate pain - physically and emotionally. For some reason though, I turned to cutting. I did it for three days until my mom caught me. She was asking why I was all of a sudden wanting long sleeve shirts (I've always pretty much worn short sleeve shirts all year long). I'm a horrible liar, so I showed her my arms. She was really shocked of course. I ended up having to go the mental hospital for a few days (my first admission into a mental institute). I stopped for a while, but I never completely stopped. Every now and then I would start it again, and then I'd stop. It was't until a few years ago where it started getting really bad. I kept doing it more and more often due to being severely depressed and going through abuse (not by family or my husband), which I've talked about in previous entries here. It went monthly, then weekly, then about three times a week. I then realized, "I've got to quit. This is getting out of hand." Since then I've tried to quit, and I'll go several months clean, but then I end up giving in again. Since I've started going back to Celebrate Recovery in my area, I've been clean (tomorrow will be five months). I'm hoping - praying, that I'll be able to stay clean. It's hard, but I know it's what I need to do.
The addiction I'm probably struggling the most with is binge-eating. I've been doing that since around my senior year of high school. All my life I've been made fun of for everything you can think of - including weight. I was called fat all the time growing up by my peers. I didn't realize back then that I really wasn't fat. Every time I saw myself in the mirror or photos, I was always disgusted with myself because in my eyes, I was fat. I was at a really healthy weight in 10th-11th grade, but because I didn't have that perfect hourglass figure, I thought I was fat. So I gave up. If I had known how fat I'd really get at 27 years old (307 lbs), I would've never given up. Now I look back at how I looked back then and it boggles my mind how I had thought I was fat back then. Now I have more health problems, more joint and back pain, and constantly afraid my heart is going to give out on me because it has to work too hard with all my weight. Out of any addiction I've had, this has been the toughest one for me. What makes it even harder now is I have some chronic illness we can't figure out what's wrong with me for nearly 16 months. I'm severely nauseous and vomiting. Some days I feel like I have the flu but I don't have it (no fever). This really limits what all I can eat, and apparently fruits, veggies, whole wheat/whole grain are really difficult to digest (I really miss berries, pineapples, and oranges), which will mean more vomiting. The only food I seem to be able to digest better with, are all the stuff I need to NOT be eating (white bread, pastas, etc)! So I'm not really sure what to do about this until we figure out what the heck is wrong with me.
A few months ago, I found out by a doctor that I'm addicted to sleeping pills (though they've changed it now to being dependant on sleeping pills instead of addicted to them). I had to be taken completely off them. I never thought out of all addictions I'd get, it would be pills. I mean, I hate pills! I only take pills because I have to - not because I want to! I hardly got any sleep after being taken off them. I would even beg my husband at times to even give me just one pill, and he had to be strong for me. I only take Melatonin now (I guess since it's natural). My sleep has improved slightly since I was first taken off them, but it's still not very good. I don't feel as dependant on them though now - I'm not begging for sleeping pills now (though that may be because I know my husband won't give any to me). This has probably been the easiest one for me to "control," but maybe it wasn't an addiction, maybe it was just dependency on them, I don't know.
Anyway, that's what my life has been like for my addictions - they're ways I tried to cope, and instead of getting me better, it got me worse.
I'll tell you this though, if it weren't for God's mercy and grace, there's no way I could ever be able to heal from any of these (past and present ones). We have to stop the addiction cycle, or it's just going to keep repeating with the next addiction, and the next addiction, and so on so forth. Only God, through Jesus Christ, can we truly heal. We have a God who understands our pain and suffering. He understands why I put the blade to my arms. He understands why I looked at images I shouldn't have. He understands why I gorge myself in food. He understands why you turn to what you turn to. He WANTS to heal you, just like he wants to heal me! He IS our healer, our Savior. He doesn't just save us from Satan, he saves us from ourselves as well. Please, turn to him for help, he's waiting with arms open for you to cling to him.
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