God is not Ashamed of You

For a long time I really struggled with thinking God was angry with me.  That he didn't love me, and that he was ashamed of me.  Like some day when I see him, he'll be like, "Oh great, now I have to deal with her for an eternity (literally)."  Maybe you struggle with the same thing.  I want to tell you something though, and I want it to really sink in - really think about it.  Are you ready?

God is not ashamed of you.

God is not angry with you.

God loves you.

Let those words really sink in - really meditate on them.  Brothers and sisters in Christ, he loves you so much, more than you could ever know; and one day, you will have an eternity finding out just how much he loves you.  I wish I could tell you how much he loves you, but I don't even know how much he loves us.  It's something so extreme that we can't understand in this life.  We can't wrap our brains around it.  My guess is if we even understood half of his love for us, our brains would combust because it's just impossible for us to understand it.  So much of the Scriptures describes how God loves us.  Even in his anger he loves us.  He has every opportunity to wipe humanity off the face of the earth with just the tip of his finger!  But he doesn't do that.  Does he discipline us?  Of course!  A good parent disciplines their kids when they're acting up.  It doesn't mean they don't love their kids though right?  Does he want to discipline you?  Well, I can't read God's mind, but my guess is he doesn't enjoy it.  He doesn't just sit there waiting for you to mess up and jumps at the opportunity to discipline you.  He doesn't sit there waiting to smite you.  He's very patient.  So many times in Scripture people turn to idols instead of to him.  People replaced him - the Creator of the universe; the One who gave them breath!  The One who saved their butts every time they cried out for help!  They would turn from him, then expect him to come to their rescue - every. single. time.  Not once did he throw his hands in the air, "That's it!  I'm done with these people!  Time to get rid of them all!"



Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.

Ecclesiastes 7:20



God has had every right to get rid of us.  He's given us chance after chance after chance, though he hasn't given up on us.  Sometimes people give up on us for a number of reasons - but he NEVER will give up on you!  He will always be there with you and for you.  The world may give up on you; you - yourself may even give up on you, but he never will.



So be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Deuteronomy 3:16



He will never abandon you.  You are his most precious child, his pride and joy - his most treasured creation.  He IS for you, not against you (Romans 8:31)!  Often times we reject his love, but he wants to give us his love to the fullest!  He wants to overwhelm you with his love and I can tell you, it can be overwhelming for me.  It can drive me to tears.  It can cause me to feel a bit embarrassed.  I mean, how can a perfect God love someone so messed up like me?  It can cause me to be more bold (I'm a really timid person honestly).  This blog for example.  It can be difficult to be so raw sometimes.  It's difficult to be so vulnerable.  People scare me.  But if God really does love me, and he is always with me, what do I have to be afraid?  What can man do to me?  Can my feelings get hurt?  Sure.  But Christ offers his shoulder to cry on, while he gently holds me, letting me know that he won't hurt me and will protect me.

I know I can never love him as much as he loves me, and I can't love others as much as he loves them (it's not going to stop me from loving anyone though).  My hope is that I can show you just a glimpse of how much he loves you.

God is not ashamed of you.
God is not angry with you.
God loves you.

He Cares for You

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

I Peter 5:7




I was reading my devotional today and it was on anxiety.  The above verse was the one they gave to help with anxiety.  I do love this verse (I may even draw a picture to go with the verse some time).  How do we give our worries and cares to God; and can he be trusted with them?

I know it's difficult to give them to him.  How many times do we hear, "Just give it to God?"  Do we even understand what that even means?  I mean, as someone on the Spectrum (the Autism Spectrum), I take things very literally.  So when someone says something like, "Just give it to God,"  I'm like, "How do you just 'give' your problems to someone?  You can't just hand someone (insert problem here) like you can hand them a gift!"  If you're like me and take everything literally, then you probably have a hard time with this saying as well.  So what does it really mean?

It's taken me years, over a decade even, trying to figure out what this saying means; so I will try to explain it the best I can.

When I think of the phrase "Give it to God," I think of it as if God is saying, "Go ahead, lay it on me."  He wants us to tell him what we're struggling with.  Does he already know?  Of course!  Sometimes we're in such distress that the words can't even be formed.  We call this the groaning of the soul.  There have been times where I've been so stressed out that I literally can't say anything; sometimes I can't even write the words of what I'm feeling.  I just want to scream for help, but the words can't come out.  Sometimes I can't even say them in prayer.  My soul groans.



And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

Romans 8:26



The Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  What a powerful picture!  In a strange way, it reminds me of when I had my second suicide attempt.  I had oded on sleeping pills, and when the EMTs came to our house, I was really out of it.  I was so tired, I couldn't really form words.  They would ask me questions trying to keep me awake, and I could only answer yes or no questions with groans.  In a very weird way, I think it's similar to how when we're so distressed, we can't even form words to how we're feeling.  So the Holy Spirit, the one that Jesus promised us when we turn our lives over to him, groans for us.

Back to the 1 Peter verse.  Cast your worries and cares to God.  Tell him what's got your troubled.  He wants to hear from you.  He wants to listen to you.  He wants to help you.  He wants to comfort you.  Even if all you can do is cry, or even just groan, he wants to hear from you.  He knows what you're wanting to say, but he loves you so much that he'd rather hear it from you.  He wants that relationship with you. 

Imagine you've got a kid.  You're kid is really troubled about something, and you already know what it is.  You know your kid is being bullied at school, and your heart breaks for them.  You've seen your kid come home with bruises, but when you ask them how they got their bruises, they say, "Oh I fell."  One day, your kid comes home from the school bus and as soon as they walk in the house, you hear them sniffling.  You ask them, "What's wrong?  Did you have a bad day at school?"  All of a sudden, your kid can't hold back the tears anymore.  They hold you and tell you, "I'm being bullied at school!  I haven't really been getting these bruises from falling - I've been getting them from being beaten up at school; and no one seems to care!"  Let me ask you, would you rather hear what's going on from the mouth of your child, or would you not really care?  No doubt, you want to do something about it.  No good parent wants to see their child suffering, whether it be from bullying or anything else.  God, your heavenly Father, wants to hear from you, even though he already knows what's going on.

Just as a good parent cares for their child, God cares about you!  He wants to help you with what you're going through.  No matter what you've done or may be ashamed of, he still loves you and wants to hear from you.

"You got yourself into this mess, let's get out of this mess together."  That's what I imagine him saying to me anyway.  Like dealing with these addictions I have.  I started them.  I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I still made the decision to do them, and I make the decision to stay in them.  Of course, I'm not making that decision so much as I want to stay in that place.  I don't think people really want to stay in their addictions when they know and realize that's where they're at.  I think they really do want to change, but we become so dependent on what we are addicted to, we don't really know how to get out of it - at least, that's how it is for me anyway.  That's when God says, "You can't get out of this alone, so let's get through this together.  Let's get you out of this mess together."

Cast your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you 💖

The Life of an Addict

What is it like being an addict?  Well, I can't really speak for anyone other than myself, so I guess I'll tell you what it's like for me as an addict.

First, I have an addictive personality.  What I mean by this is I tend to go from one addiction to another.  I can't seem to be able to break the addiction cycle.  I might be able to beat one addiction, but then I just end up becoming an addict to something else.  Everyone's story is different - some may become addicted to something due to peer pressure, others it's a coping mechanism, and there are a hundred other reasons they could have started.  We never get into something and think, "Ya know, I think I want to become addicted to (fill in the blank), I think I'll get started on that today."  No way!  We think, "I can stop this any time I want" - not realizing that, that's the beginning of an addiction.  Again though, I'm going to say how it is for me, not other people because we're all different.

My addictions didn't really start until I was a little before a teenager (pre-teen?).  Before that I had obsessions with things like Pokemon or learning about animals, but I wouldn't necessarily say they were addictions.  My first addiction started when I got some junk mail with my very first email account (I still remember the email address).  I'm sure you can probably guess what it was of.  It intrigued me, and I began to actively look it up.  I got around my parents security on my computer and was looking it up.  I don't completely know why.  I've had some ideas why I got into it, but completely knowing what caused it, I don't know.  Maybe it's because I was at the age where my sexuality was starting to develop.  Maybe I was looking for something I didn't think I was getting from others, I really don't know.  I would spend a lot of time on the computer looking it up, among other things, every day.  It wasn't until I was fourteen when I really stopped.  I became a Christian at my first missions trip and I realized I really needed to stop.  So I told my parents and quit completely.  We moved my computer out of my room and into an open room so my family could check in on me.  I also mainly used the internet for school for about a year.  I also registered with XXXChurch for extra help, where I used a free program they had (I believe it costs money now though) where I had accountability partners.  If I went to any websites that had porn in them, it would get emailed to my accountability partners.  If I remember correctly, I chose a couple of my youth leaders and I think my mom as my accountability partners.  I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy, but it was for me easier to get a handle on than my other addictions.  Today I don't actively look it up anymore.  Sometimes it pops up on my computer, and when that happens, I sorta freeze for a several seconds - like deer caught in the headlights; until it finally registers in my brain, "You see that red "x" in the top corner?  You can click that!"  Could I get back into it?  I'm sure I could.  That's the thing about addictions, I don't think you completely get over it (though I have heard stories of people losing the desire for that addiction).  An alcoholic can develop a control where they aren't dependant on a drink anymore; but if they were to have one drink again, the cycle begins again.

In 10th grade, I developed a new addiction - self harm (cutting specifically).  I remember it was around Valentine's Day.  I had started a new medication and I was really depressed.  I had a bad reaction to the medication though - it got me thinking really weird things.  I mean, I hate pain - physically and emotionally.  For some reason though, I turned to cutting.  I did it for three days until my mom caught me.  She was asking why I was all of a sudden wanting long sleeve shirts (I've always pretty much worn short sleeve shirts all year long).  I'm a horrible liar, so I showed her my arms.  She was really shocked of course.  I ended up having to go the mental hospital for a few days (my first admission into a mental institute).  I stopped for a while, but I never completely stopped.  Every now and then I would start it again, and then I'd stop.  It was't until a few years ago where it started getting really bad.  I kept doing it more and more often due to being severely depressed and going through abuse (not by family or my husband), which I've talked about in previous entries here.  It went monthly, then weekly, then about three times a week.  I then realized, "I've got to quit.  This is getting out of hand."  Since then I've tried to quit, and I'll go several months clean, but then I end up giving in again.  Since I've started going back to Celebrate Recovery in my area, I've been clean (tomorrow will be five months).  I'm hoping - praying, that I'll be able to stay clean.  It's hard, but I know it's what I need to do.

The addiction I'm probably struggling the most with is binge-eating.  I've been doing that since around my senior year of high school.  All my life I've been made fun of for everything you can think of - including weight.  I was called fat all the time growing up by my peers.  I didn't realize back then that I really wasn't fat.  Every time I saw myself in the mirror or photos, I was always disgusted with myself because in my eyes, I was fat.  I was at a really healthy weight in 10th-11th grade, but because I didn't have that perfect hourglass figure, I thought I was fat.  So I gave up.  If I had known how fat I'd really get at 27 years old (307 lbs), I would've never given up.  Now I look back at how I looked back then and it boggles my mind how I had thought I was fat back then.  Now I have more health problems, more joint and back pain, and constantly afraid my heart is going to give out on me because it has to work too hard with all my weight.  Out of any addiction I've had, this has been the toughest one for me.  What makes it even harder now is I have some chronic illness we can't figure out what's wrong with me for nearly 16 months.  I'm severely nauseous and vomiting.  Some days I feel like I have the flu but I don't have it (no fever).  This really limits what all I can eat, and apparently fruits, veggies, whole wheat/whole grain are really difficult to digest (I really miss berries, pineapples, and oranges), which will mean more vomiting.  The only food I seem to be able to digest better with, are all the stuff I need to NOT be eating (white bread, pastas, etc)!  So I'm not really sure what to do about this until we figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

A few months ago, I found out by a doctor that I'm addicted to sleeping pills (though they've changed it now to being dependant on sleeping pills instead of addicted to them).  I had to be taken completely off them.  I never thought out of all addictions I'd get, it would be pills.  I mean, I hate pills!  I only take pills because I have to - not because I want to!  I hardly got any sleep after being taken off them.  I would even beg my husband at times to even give me just one pill, and he had to be strong for me.  I only take Melatonin now (I guess since it's natural).  My sleep has improved slightly since I was first taken off them, but it's still not very good.  I don't feel as dependant on them though now - I'm not begging for sleeping pills now (though that may be because I know my husband won't give any to me).  This has probably been the easiest one for me to "control," but maybe it wasn't an addiction, maybe it was just dependency on them, I don't know.

Anyway, that's what my life has been like for my addictions - they're ways I tried to cope, and instead of getting me better, it got me worse.

I'll tell you this though, if it weren't for God's mercy and grace, there's no way I could ever be able to heal from any of these (past and present ones).  We have to stop the addiction cycle, or it's just going to keep repeating with the next addiction, and the next addiction, and so on so forth.  Only God, through Jesus Christ, can we truly heal.  We have a God who understands our pain and suffering.  He understands why I put the blade to my arms.  He understands why I looked at images I shouldn't have.  He understands why I gorge myself in food.  He understands why you turn to what you turn to.  He WANTS to heal you, just like he wants to heal me!  He IS our healer, our Savior.  He doesn't just save us from Satan, he saves us from ourselves as well.  Please, turn to him for help, he's waiting with arms open for you to cling to him.

Combating Lies

The LORD is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid?  The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

Psalm 27:1




I woke up from a nightmare about two hours ago in a hot sweat.  I had a dream that this voice (which sounded VERY creepy) kept repeating to me, "You have no light."  I kept telling it to go away and it kept getting louder and louder until I ultimately couldn't take it anymore and killed myself.  This dream terrified me!  I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go back to sleep after this, but I felt like I needed to write something about it.

A little after I woke up, Psalm 27:1 came to mind and I keep repeating that verse in my head.  Even if I have no light, Christ IS my light.  Jesus said, "I am the light of the world, if you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life." (John 8:12)

I don't know if this dream was some sort of attack, or if it was just a nightmare; either way I have to fight lies with truth.  After I woke up from the dream, I woke up my husband because I was absolutely terrified.  I told him what the voice said and his exact words were, "That's a lie from the pits of hell."

How do we combat lies?  By speaking truth.  It doesn't matter what lie it is you're fighting against.  "I'm ugly."  "I'm worthless."  "I'm stupid."  "No one loves/cares about me."  "I'm better off dead than alive."  Do any of these sound familiar to you?  "I am __(fill in your lie you tell yourself)__."

"I'm worthless."

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

"I'm ugly."

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  (Psalm 139:13-14)

"I'm stupid."

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.  (Proverbs 1:7)

"No one loves/cares about me."

"God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not die, but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)

"I'm better off dead than alive."

"Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.'"  (Ezekiel 33:11 - if God takes no pleasure in the wicked dying, why would he take pleasure in your death?)



Combat the lies with the truth.  The truth will set you free!  (John 8:32)

He Sings Over You

There is a verse I keep thinking about this morning (it's 4am atm).



For the LORD your God lives among you.  He is a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Zepheniah 3:27



In some translations, it says he "sings" over you!  The God of the universe SINGS over YOU!  You bring him so much joy that he sings over you!

You might be thinking, "How can I bring him joy?  My life is a wreck!  I've screwed up so much!"  Does he know you've screwed up?  Of course!  But your screw ups don't define you.  That is something I am still learning so I'm preaching to myself just as much as I'm preaching to you.  Take addiction for example.  We often have labels for different addictions.  Alcoholic.  Drug addict.  Binge-eater.  Etc.  I have so many labels for myself; all my mental health issues and all my addictions.  You know what though?  God knows we all have these issues, but he does NOT see us as these labels.  We call ourselves ugly, he calls us beautiful.  We call ourselves broken, he calls us mended.  We call ourselves orphans, he calls us his child.

He sings over you.....

I wonder what that sounds like.  What does his song for me sound like?  I'm certain that if I heard it, I would bawl my eyes out like a baby.  Who knows, maybe one day I'll hear it 😊

He loves you so much.  I wish I could show you how much he loves you, but it wouldn't be even close to how much he loves you.  My words would be extremely inadequate.

I see videos of people who go out in places like gay pride parades or even anime conventions with bullhorns condemning people.  "God hates you!  You're going to burn in hell!"  This really angers me.  I mean, I know there may be some who do care, but are misguided.  Jesus said, "People will know you are my disciples, by loving one another. (John 13:25)"  I've told my husband that one of these days, I'd like to go to an event like such and just tell people, "I just wanted to let you know that Jesus loves you."  Sometimes, that's all someone needs to hear.  They are already walking in a battle full of hate coming from all directions - including by themselves.  The last thing they need to hear is the God of the universe, the Savior of the world hates them!  It's as if you're saying, "God loves me and saved me, but he hates you and will not save you."  But now I'm going on a tangent that I may cover another time in another blog.

He loves you, no matter how broken you may be.  He loves you so much that he sings to you - he serenades you!  You are his pride and joy!  How could he not sing to you?  He has a song for each and every one of us - that's a lot of songs!  What does your song sound like?

It's All Worth It

I had an interesting dream last night.

First off, I'm sorry I have not blogged in a while.  In all honesty, I've been really struggling.  I try so hard to hold it together in life, but sometimes you can't hold it together.  Last night as I was trying to sleep (I hardly slept at all), I nearly broke down in tears.  I was praying and said, "I just want to feel you close to me.  If I could feel that, I know I could get through this."

Sometimes, Jesus appears to me in my dreams.  I don't talk about them often though.  For one thing, they're very rare.  I also don't want to appear like I'm bragging or anything - I'm just like everyone else.  I'm not favored more than anyone else.  They just happen.  Lastly, they're very special to me.  I hold them very near and dear to me, because I feel really close to Him when I have these dreams.

He did not appear to me in a dream last night, but I did have a dream that I think may have been an answer to my prayer, that or my heart was just working things out, Idk.

So in my dream, I was outside and it had snowed - a lot!  For some reason, a bunch of people decided to go ice skating, and I decided to do the same thing.  As I was skating (which I have not done since middle school), I saw a lake.  It was iced over, but it was extremely thin ice.  There were parts of the lake that had not iced over where of all things, ducks were swimming in (yea, my dreams often don't make any sense).  Part of me wanted to go in the lake.  I thought, "No one would ever know I'd froze in the lake.  I could end all this suffering right now."  Something told me not to go in still though.  Idk what it was, but I decided not to do it and skated somewhere else.  As I was skating past it, the ice on the lake started melting even quicker to the point where it looked like there wasn't anymore ice covering it.  It almost looked more like a spring instead of a lake, and more animals (and Idk why, but even rabbits) were swimming in the lake.  Then a bunch of rabbits came out of the lake and they got really close to me.  It was odd.  There was still snow all around me though.  I saw some kids (by kids I mean teenagers) in a circle discussing.  I've always had a heart for teenagers.  I decided to join them.  They were talking about how difficult their lives have been.  One of them in particular discussed how her mom hated her job and yet couldn't get out of it.  I told her how maybe there was a reason why her mom couldn't get out of that job.  Maybe she was meant to reach someone there.  Then I said, "If I can reach even just one person with the Good News, then my suffering will all have been worth it."  Then I woke up.

The last thing I said in the dream keeps repeating in my head.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's just my emotions trying to work things out.  Maybe it was God telling me something.  Or maybe it's just as random as the rabbits leaping out of the lake towards me.  I honestly don't know.  What I do know though is it's true, if I can reach even just one person to Christ with the Good News, my life will have been worth living.  All the suffering I've been through, will have been worth it.  This isn't just true about me though, it's true about everyone!  If we could just reach at least one person with the Good News, everything we've been through will all have been worth it.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts this morning....

The End?

Creative writing by me


I couldn't take it anymore - the stress, the pain, the sickness inside my heart and the sorrows in my soul.  I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.  I was tired - tired of everything - the bad and the good.  So I decided it was time to put an end to it all.

I was all alone. I went out into the woods where no one could see me - no one could hear me.  Then again, did anyone really see my pain?  Did anyone really hear my cries for help?  If I was ignored then, they'd ignore me now.  How many people must've thought the world would be better off without me - and I believed them.

I started to write a note - a note of goodbyes to those who did care about me.  I didn't want them to blame themselves for what I was about to do.  I knew it would hurt them, but again, the world would be better off without me right?

I finished writing the note.  I grabbed the rope out of my bag and began to tie it to a tree.  I felt numb, like I was just an empty shell.  It was as if my soul was already dead.  As I was tying the rope, I began to start to have regrets.  Thoughts came to mind, "How are my loved ones going to respond when they find out what I've done?  How are my loved ones going to feel knowing I'm gone?  What if this isn't the way out?"  I was determined this time though.  This time, I would shut off those thoughts.  The noose was ready.  Tears began to flow down my cheek.  "Is this really what I want?"  As soon as I was about to jump off the rock with the noose around my neck, I saw someone coming towards me.  I wasn't sure what to do.  If they saw what I was about to do, they would try to talk me out of it.  That's not going to happen this time though.  It doesn't matter if they see me do this; nothing really matters anymore.

The person came closer, and closer, until I made out that it was a man.  He looked close to my age, around in his 30's.  I wanted to jump, but something was holding me back.  I couldn't do it for some odd reason.  No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, no matter how much I wanted to jump, I couldn't do it.  As the man got closer, he was looking straight at me - as if he were looking deep in my soul.  He did not have a look of panic, which really surprised me.  He did however have a look of sadness.  He stopped right in front of me - just looking in my eyes.  I couldn't look in his though.  Every time I even caught a glimpse in his eyes, I felt unworthy.  There was something about this man, I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was different.  I just looked down at my feet.

"You can't stop me so go away."  I told the man.  The man just stood there without saying a word.  "Is there something you want?"  I asked him.  Again he was silent.  I began to get irritated.  "Are you morbid or something?  Do you enjoy watching people die?"  Once again, he was silent.  "It's not like he cares about me anyway, he doesn't even know me."  I told myself.  Just as I was about to jump, the man suddenly held me.  I was shocked!  This morbid man - this man I don't even know, is holding me?  He held me tighter than I've ever been held before.  My bones almost felt like they were going to break.  Then I heard sniffling - he was crying?  Over me?  Surely not crying over me!  Then he whispered,"Yes, I am crying over you."  Wait, is he able to read my mind?

"You are in so much pain, darkness is devouring you.  You feel so alone, yet you fail to realize you're not alone.  I have been with you since the very beginning - before you were even a thought.  I've been with you through the pain, through the rejection, through the abuse, through the torment in your soul.  But I have not once ever left your side.  I put those thoughts in your head to not go through with this.  But you stopped depending on me.  You stopped talking to me.  You pushed me away, while I stood there with my arms open.  Come to me, you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.  That goes for you too.  My rest may not come immediately, but it will come.  You can rest in me, and I will give you peace.  My peace is not the same as the world's version of peace.  My peace is knowing you are not alone, and that I treasure you more than anything you could ever imagine - more than there are stars in the galaxy.  More than there are grains of sand that covers the entire earth.  You are my precious child, and when you hurt, I hurt with you.  Those who rejected you, reject me as well.  Those who abused you, abused me too.  I am close to the brokenhearted, and that includes you.  Don't throw your life away, I gave you life as a gift.  You may feel there is nothing good in your life anymore, but there is good.  There are people who love you.  You can hear music from the birds singing to each other after a fresh rain.  Being able to even breathe is a gift in itself.  You are my gift, and a gift to the world as well.  It's a shame there are those who don't see you as a gift, but that is not how I see you.  You are my child, and you are very dear to me.  I hate to see you suffer, I am not morbid at all.  I want to see you live!  I want to watch you show the world the love I have for each and every person out there - including you.  I died a painful death so you wouldn't have to.  The world is not better off without you - if it were, I would not have created you.  The world needs you to tell them about the Good News.  Don't throw your life away.  You may be going through the fire right now, but when you come out, you will be a beautiful creation made in my image by my hands.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  Put your trust in me.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and if people can't see that, then that is their own sickness in their hearts, not yours.  My grace is sufficient for you, I work best in your weaknesses.  My grace is enough to get you through your day.  Rely on me to heal you.  Rely on my love - not the love from people.  Their love is fleeting - here one moment and gone another.  My love, however, is deep and eternal.  You can't even imagine how deep my love is for you, and it will never go away.  It will never lessen, no matter what.  I love you."

I began to weep with him.  "I'm so sorry Lord!  Please rescue me!"  He took the noose off around my neck, and kissed my cheek.  "I will always come to your rescue.  It may not be immediate, but I will always come when you need me most."