Tuesday, March 15, 2016


I just got out of the hospital from being there for a week.  I was feeling suicidal and was about to cut (after having not cut for a few weeks).  I didn't want to go through with it so I checked myself into the hospital.  I feel better now.  I was looking at music on YouTube today and found this old Christina Aguilera song, "Fighter."  This is my new theme song!  Here are the lyrics:

After all you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger

Well I, I thought I knew you, thinkin' that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames 'cause your greed sold me out in shame

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game
I heard you're going round playing the victim now
But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies 'cause you're wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore, no more,
It's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it


How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see

I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough


You thought I would forget
But I remembered
'Cause I remembered
I remembered
You thought I would forget
I remembered
'Cause I remembered
I remembered


People have turned their backs on me many times, including people I really trusted.  I've become thankful though for what they've done to me.  It's made me into a stronger person now.  I don't just trust anyone now.  I've been betrayed, backstabbed, and taken advantage of.  But in the end, I've seen how people really are.  Some people are good to you, and some are going to hurt you.  The way how so many people have treated me has been torturous.  But no more.  I'm not going to give them the pleasure of destroying me.  I'm not trash to be thrown away.  I'm a human being!  So I'm going to fight for my life!  Some people no matter how much they would hurt me, I tried to only see the good in them.  But now I need to see them for who they really are.  No more rose-stained glasses.  I'm going to have clear lenses.  I'll probably never forget the things people have done to me, but I'm not going to let them cripple me anymore.  I'm going to live!

P.S:  I've gone five weeks without cutting :)

1 comment:

  1. Don't forget also that no one will be perfect. Those good people will hurt you from time to time, but the thing to watch is how they act when it becomes clear they have done so without just cause.