Who Suffers Greater?

It's easy for us to compare ourselves with others.  We often compare ourselves with everything.  "I bet they have more money than me."  "She's so much prettier than me."  "He always gets the girls."  Do these sound familiar to you?  I know I'm constantly comparing myself with others - and I do that with everything!  But what about this question:  Who suffers greater?  I have a lot of issues, but I always compare myself and think "They suffer more than I do."  Yes, there are people who do suffer more than me, but this isn't really what you or I should think; rather what we should be asking ourselves is "What am I go to do about my suffering?" It's not so much about what we go through, but what we're going to do about it.

Now you may say "There's nothing I can do about my suffering!"  I get that, I really do.  Maybe you have that debilitating disease that you can't find a cure for.  Maybe you're about to lose your home.  Maybe you lost a child.  I'm not going to tell you that you're not suffering.  Things may seem hopeless, but there's ALWAYS hope!  Some of my mental illnesses I can't take any medications for (my ADHD, Depression, and severe anxiety).  Meds for ADHD cause worse hallucinations for people who already struggle with hallucinations.  I can't take any anti-depressants because they make me even more suicidal, and I can't be treated for it with ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) because I have a brain injury.  As for my severe anxiety, I take too many meds already so no one will give me anything for it.  Even my meds to treat my hallucinations doesn't always work.  There are times I still hallucinate.  There are times I still hear voices.  There are times I get delusional or paranoid still.  Meds don't fix everything.  Sometimes there are things we just have to live with.

But there are people I look at and think "Who am I to complain about my problems?  They have things FAR worse than me!"  I do this a lot honestly.  They easily become inspirations for me too.  If they can keep going I should too!

We all have our own battles we have to go through.  It doesn't matter who has things worse than us.  What matters is what we do with it.  I can spend all day complaining about my problems.  I can spend all day thinking "They have it worse than me, what the heck am I doing with my life?"  Or, I can focus on Jesus to get me through my battles.  It's not easy.  Trust me, I know it's not easy.  When I get really down, it's hard to remind myself that Jesus really does love me.  Just last week, I felt really suicidal.  I locked myself in the closet to keep myself safe.  But even then, I thought of different ways to do it.  I begged God in my tears "Have mercy on me!  Spare my life!  I don't want to die by my own hands!"  Eventually I asked my husband to remind me of how God thinks of me.  After that I started feeling a bit better (at least enough to not go through any suicidal attempts).  In our battles, cling to the feet of Jesus and don't let go!

Jacob got in a fight (I don't mean a fight with words, but a physical fight) with the angel of the LORD (which some believe to be Jesus) and told the angel that he would not let go until he was blessed (Genesis 32:22-31).  Cling to Jesus in your struggles and don't let him go.  He WILL rescue you in your time of need.  He will never let you go through your battles alone.  He is always with you.  Cling to Him.

It's Not Enough

No matter who we are or what we do, we cannot make it in this life without Christ.  Our lives are empty without Him.  There a lot of people who have a lot of money who even think their lives are empty.  They got the car they dreamed of, they got the house they always wanted, they got enough money to do more than provide for themselves for the rest of their lives, they have a family, and yet, they still feel empty.  We can turn to a lot of stuff other than Christ, and often times that's what leads to addictions (that's how it was for me anyway).  No matter what we turn to though, it's not enough to fill us.

The answer to fill us is so simple, yet we avoid it at all costs.  We'd rather turn to smaller, temporary joys, than turn to the One who gives us infinite joy.  Why is that?  I think sometimes it's because we're afraid.  There are a number of reasons why we may be afraid to turn to Him.  Maybe you're afraid that He's going to want you to do things that seem too difficult.  Maybe you're afraid that He's just a bunch of rules and if you break one His wrath will come upon you.  Maybe it's pride and you just think you can do better without Him.  Or maybe, and this one is personally with me, we feel inadequate and unworthy for His help.  "Oh there are people who need His help more than I do.  My problems are tiny compared to theirs.  Why would He help someone like me?"

The truth is, we really are inadequate and unworthy of Him.  We are constantly working against Him.  We think we can control our lives better than He can.  We'd rather be our own rescuer, or dare I even say, we'd rather be our own god!  If that's how you think, I've got news for you - you can't rescue yourself in life.  Take the hurricane that recently hit Texas.  There was a lot of flooding, and people who got caught in the flooding needed to be rescued.  What would happen if they tried to save themselves in the current instead of waiting for help?  They'd get swept away!  When there's massive flooding, you can't save yourself, you have to wait for help to reach you!  It's like that in life as well.  If we - imperfect people, try to rescue our imperfect selves, we will fail.  We will be swept away in the current of life.  Why do you think there are so many suicides around the world?  They try to save themselves and when they can't, they give up.  They see no rescuer.  They see no light in the darkness.

There is good news though.  We DO have a rescuer!  We DO have a light in the darkness!  Cry out to your rescuer!  He WILL rescue you!  Now, He may do it in a way you don't want Him to.  He may tell you the path you're wanting to go is not a good one.  Maybe it's that job you've always wanted and He says "This is not the right job for you."  Maybe it's that relationship (any relationship), and He says "You need to cut ties off with them, they will do you more harm than good."  I know that last one has happened with me.  Some people caused so much stress for me that I had to cut ties off with them (if you are reading this, you are probably not one of them).  This was really hard for me, I'm the type who doesn't leave people - people leave me though.  I'd rather not give up on people.  As much as I distrust people, and as much as I tend to see the worst in people, I really do try to give them the benefit of a doubt.  I guess that's why I've been in abusive relationships.  Anyway, if we call out to Jesus, He WILL rescue us.  He WILL rescue us!  Sometimes it's not immediate, but He will go through it with you.  When you fall, He will pick you back up.  He will help you finish the race.  We are not enough, but He is!

(This second video is the same song as the top one, but it's the frontman of Papa Roach singing the song at a church Easter service - personally I like this version more)

It Is Well

This is one of my favorite worship songs.  This reminds me that when we go through trials, Christ is still with us and is powerful enough to bring us through those trials.  No matter what those trials may be, big or small trials, He is there to help you get through them.  I know these past couple weeks have been taking a tole on me mentally.  I keep trying to tell myself though that Jesus is with me no matter what.  He loves me more than anyone else can.  He will help me get through them, even if the results aren't ones I want.  He will use my brokenness to bring glory to Himself.  He will turn my troubles into something beautiful.  I don't claim to suffer more than anyone else - indeed, there are those who suffer far more than I do.  I hope that whoever is reading this, if you are suffering with anything, know that
1)  You are NOT alone
2)  Jesus will get you through it
Just rely on Him.  Fix your eyes on Jesus.  Cling to Him.  Trust Him that He will get you through whatever trials you are going through.  He loves YOU more than you could ever comprehend.

Last week, after going eight months without cutting, I gave in.  Yesterday, I wrote and drew on my arm and hand (trying to help myself cope I guess).  Near where I had cut on my arm, I wrote in red ink "JESUS LOVES YOU!"  I'm hoping that if I still feel like cutting again, I'll see that and remember that He will get me through it.  I also wrote on my hand "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL".  If I start to feel hopeless, I hope I will look at that.

Brokenness Aside

We used to sing this song at our church in Knoxville (The Point Church).  I've always liked this song, but I was thinking a lot about it this morning.

People....we are all so broken - anyone who tells you differently is lying.  Some day we won't be broken anymore - we'll be whole.  Until then, how do we deal with our brokenness?

Brokenness takes many forms.  For me, my brokenness is my mental illnesses, addictions, self-destructive behavior, and lack of trust for people.  I've been burned, betrayed, and abandoned so many times, that I've just learned to not trust anyone.  This makes me very lonely though....I tried to trust people, I tried to let my walls down, but I built them back up, if not even more so than before.  I don't want to be like this though.  I want to trust people.  I mean, how can I expect people to trust me, if I can't trust people myself?  Having to carry my burdens and brokenness on my own is something that will crush me to the point of death; but I know I'm not alone.  I have my husband, whom I have come to trust, though it's not always perfect - but is any relationship perfect?  I've also come to trust God more.  Usually I can't cry, I've just trained myself to not cry.  Yesterday though, I did cry a lot - I guess I'm finally learning how to grieve.

Brokenness....something we all have to deal with in some form.  Sometimes brokenness comes through addictions.  Sometimes brokenness comes in rage.  Brokenness takes many forms for different people.

How do we deal with brokenness?

We rely on Jesus.  We need to fix our eyes on Christ.  I'm telling you from experience - we can't deal with our brokenness without Him.  You might be able to for a while, but in the end, you won't make it.



The LORD is close to the broken-hearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34:18



He is close to the broken-hearted, and those whose spirits are crushed....He is close to us in our brokenness.  When we are weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).  When we're so weak that we feel like we can't go on anymore, He helps us keep going.  When we've fallen, He picks us back up.  We are NOT alone!  He will NOT abandon you.  He may feel distant, but He's right there with you.  Rely on Jesus to heal your brokenness.

Focus on Jesus

Last night I watched the Shack movie with my parents and the Habermas's.  I've never read the book, but had heard the book had some things in it that I disagreed with.  But I wanted to see the movie so I could really make a judgement on it.  There are spoilers in this entry so if you want to watch the movie/read the book, don't read further!












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There was a scene in the movie that effected me (well, there were other ones to but I want to focus on this one scene).  The main character lost his youngest daughter and was grieving about it and really pissed off with God about it.  So Jesus tells him to go across a lake in his boat.  When the main character (Mac) is about half-way there, his boat starts to break and he's sinking in the water.  There's black oil-like stuff around him.  Jesus starts walking towards him on the water and says "Look at me!  Focus on me!"  As soon as Mac starts doing that, the boat starts to repair and the oil in the water disappears.

I've been told by a couple people that I focus too much on my pain and sorrows, and not enough on Jesus.  The thing about depression is you really do feel like you're drowning.  I've used this metaphor before because it describes depression very well.  Often times we get so caught up in our problems, we lose sight of Jesus.  Jesus wants to help us through our struggles.  We can't get through them on our own.  It's too heavy of a burden to bear on our own.  Only Jesus can truly help us with that.  If we don't rely on Him, we WILL sink.


We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne.


Hebrews 12:2

Fix our eyes on Jesus.  This is SO important!  We can't tackle our struggles without Him.  So why tackle them without Him?  Focus on Him, fix your eyes on Him.

Does God Reject Me?

Ever feel like God rejects you?  Maybe you've gone through a lot of rejection.  Maybe your family has disowned you.  Maybe your friends have left you.

I have heavy abandonment issues.  I'm constantly paranoid people are going to leave me because so many people have done that in my life.  So many people just "put up" with me.  People have seen me as projects to be fixed and when they couldn't, they left me.

One friend left Christianity recently because of all the hypocrisy in the Church.  Unfortunately, this happens far more often than it should.  While no one is perfect, the Church should be a place where people feel safe.  Not safe in their sin, but safe that they're not going to be judged or condemned or stuff like that.  A place they can really feel/see the love and grace of God.  My heart breaks for this friend so much.

For those of you who have been abandoned and rejected, I want you to know that no matter how much people have done this to you, God never will abandon or reject you (no matter how many Christians may have done so).  Here are the words of Jesus:



John 6:37

"However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them."



Jesus DOES NOT reject you!  No matter what you've done.  No matter what you've said.  No matter even what you've thought!  He will NEVER reject you.



Hebrews 13:5

..."I will never fail you, I will never abandon you."



Jesus will NEVER abandon you.  Even if people have abandoned or rejected you, He NEVER will!

If the Church has abandoned or rejected you, on behalf of most of us in the Church, I'm sorry.  This should've never happened and I'm sorry.  The Church should be a place where people show you the love of God, and I'm sorry many times we don't.  But no matter what has happened to you in the Church, I want you to remember this: the Church is not perfect, just as you're not perfect.  We're going to screw up sometimes, just like you will.  Don't judge Jesus on how people have treated you, judge Him by how He treats others.  I know this is something I have struggled a lot throughout my life.  I have been abandoned and rejected so much by people I really cared about, that I put that on God.  I thought the way He saw me was the same way other people saw me.  I'm here to tell you though:  He DOES NOT see you the way others see you.  He sees you as His beloved child who sometimes wanders away from Him, but He ALWAYS goes back to you when you need Him most.  It doesn't always seem like He's there, often times it feels like we're all alone; but we're not.  You want to know how He treats people?  Look in His Word.  I recommend going through the Gospels (which means Good News):  Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (out of all of them, I recommend John).  This is how you know He loves you, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  (Romans 5:8)  He DIED for you!  People ask (and I have as well) why did Jesus die for us?  Even the people mocking Him said "He's saved others, why can't he save himself?  Let him come down from that cross and we'll all believe!"  He could've done that.  If He could raise people from the dead, He could EASILY get down from the cross.  But do you know what kept Him on there?  Love.  He stayed on there so He could save YOU and ME!  If He got down, sure some people would've believed, and others would've still said He was a demon; but the real reason He stayed was that if He got down, He couldn't take our punishment for us, and if that happened, we'd all still be damned.  He stayed because He loves us SO much!

If you're really struggling with this, don't be afraid, because many Christians struggle with it too - including myself.  But please, judge Jesus on Jesus, not by how we have treated you.  We are to represent Him, but we are imperfect representations of Him.  Look at Him for who He is.  Look at Him for what He's done, not what we have done.  If there's only one thing you get out of all my blogs I want you to get this:  He LOVES YOU more than you can even imagine!  More than you'll EVER know!  He loves YOU!  No matter what, He will ALWAYS love YOU.

Know Who You Are

Earlier this week I got in a debate with someone on Facebook (I don't typically do that - I'm really not a debater).  They're always complaining about stupid stuff like how white, conservative, Christians are evil and stuff.  I was just sick of it.  So I jumped in.  They threw some really low blows.  First they made fun of my weight (calling me a polar bear and a pig).  Then they made fun of my husband for having Autism.  Made some low blows about my dad.  Oh, and told me how "white" I am (I'm part Hispanic so jokes on them).  It was one blow after another.  Normally in the past I would've been extremely hurt by it.  It didn't bother me this time though.  I actually kinda laughed at it.  They weren't saying any new knowledge I didn't know.  Am I fat?  Yes.  Does my husband have Autism?  Yes, and I do too.  Did my dad used to sell insurance?  Yes (though despite what this person thought, my dad was never on Wheel of Fortune, lol).  Am I white?  Yes but not completely (though I don't understand why skin color is such a big deal today).  Am I a conservative?  Yes.  Am I a Christian?  Yes.  See what I mean?  Nothing was new, they just decided to attack me with this information.  You know why it didn't bother me though?  I know who I am in Christ.

Now this doesn't mean I don't struggle with my identity in Christ, I DEFINITELY struggle with it daily.  It's difficult to see ourselves in the eyes of Jesus.  I've been having a lot of help from a couple people on this.  My Christianity has been called into question several times.  Some people thought because I struggle with suicide/cutting, I'm really a goat instead of a sheep (in other words, Jesus is going to say "I never knew you" and send me to hell).  Someone told me I have no fruit (of the Spirit) so I don't have the Holy Spirit in me (another way of saying I'm going to hell).  Someone recently said I blasphemed the Holy Spirit because of my views on speaking in tongues (which means I'm going to hell).  A couple other people have told me because I sometimes swear then I'm really not a Christian (once again, going to hell).  There are so many insults, whether it's my physical body, my Christianity, my struggles, or whatever.  I've grown up being insulted all my life.  I have PTSD after all because I was severely bullied.  Insult after insult.  I'm starting to not really care though.  I'll admit, sometimes I do still struggle with it.  I doubt myself constantly.  I've thought poorly of myself since I was around five years old, that's over 20 years!  It's difficult to change.  But I am making progress.  My entire worldview has been going through a change.  First I finally realized that Jesus really does love me.  Now I'm working on seeing myself the way He sees me.  It's tough for sure.  I am making progress though.

How do we see ourselves the way Jesus sees us?  By looking in His Word.  Some of my favorite verses are like Psalm 139 where it says how He put us together in our mother's wombs.  He created us - and He doesn't make mistakes.

We are precious in His eyes.  He doesn't see us as worthless pieces of garbage.  We are more valuable to Him than the stars!  He loves YOU more than you could EVER imagine.  That's why Jesus paid the price for you!  He bought you, to set you free!  Don't listen to the enemy who says you're worth nothing!  He's a liar.  Look in God's Word and there you will see just how valuable you are to God :)