What Does it Mean to be a Demisexual?

 Funny you should ask! Let me give a little backstory on my end first.

I started struggling with porn at ten years old, and most of the porn I watched was lesbian porn. I became a Christian at 14 and turned away from porn. I grew up thinking I was “straight” even though I would fantasize about being with guys and girls. I would find other people attractive, I had crushes like other people (Hugh Jackman and Jason Momoa anyone?). Though when it came to dating relationships, they were unsatisfying. The guys I wanted to be with either didn’t want me or were taken already. So I mostly dated just for the sake of not being alone. The guys I really wanted to be with, we’re guys I was already close friends with at the time. I remember even as a kid when I’d imagine marrying someone, I always hoped he would be my best friend first. Other than my porn issues, most of my fantasies were not sexual in nature, but cheesy romantic stuff. I would imagine cuddling on the couch watching a movie with a blanket on us. Or one of my cheesiest ones is facing my fears of cage diving with great white sharks (I love sharks but it doesn’t mean I wanna swim with them!). We’re in the cage together and we see these beautiful creatures swimming around us, and I say “wow, God sure is amazing!” And he says looking towards me, “Yea, He sure is!” I’m a total cheese ball!  Anyway, I always thought my general disinterest in sex was because of childhood sexual trauma, and the rare times my sex drive is painfully high is due to my previous porn addiction (11 years clean). In high school, I started to realize I was interested in some of my female friends. So I thought, maybe I was bisexual (again, I blamed the porn for that). I never dated any girls though because I knew God was against me doing so. It was tempting though. My sexuality seemed to be fluid, sometimes I was more heterosexual and other times I leaned more towards homosexual. This really concerned me after I got married. There was one girl I was close friends with and she was one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever known! We went to church together at the time. We were very close friends. She looked like she could be a Playboy Bunny honestly. Things got intense though. I remember we were getting ready one time for her bachelorette party. Her and two other girls started changing in her room while the guys were downstairs. I started freaking out. There was this primal beast in me that wanted to just let my flesh take over. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, but I couldn’t because if I opened the door the guys would see them changing. So I just faced the door and was praying, begging God to help me, to get me out of there before I did something I’d regret. It happened another time with just her and me in her room. I begged God to get me out of there. God was faithful and helped me. It got so bad though, that I started to avoid her at church. I would be friendly if she approached me, but I tried to avoid her for a while and went to special therapy for it. It seems every time I’ve had a real sexual attraction to someone or was even “in love with someone,” they were always people I had a strong emotional connection with. If I didn’t have that strong emotional bond with them already, I wasn’t really interested.

So what does this mean? Think of sexuality as a door (this is how it was described to me). Heterosexuality would be a push door, you are pushing away the same sex to open up for the opposite sex. Homosexuality is a pull door, you are pulling towards you the same sex. Bisexuality is a double door, you can go either way. Pan sexuality is a revolving door, you can go ANY way. A sexuality is a wall, you’re generally not interested period. So what is demisexuality? Demisexuality is a subcategory of asexuality, it’s kinda a gray area. If you use the door example, demisexuals are a locked door. We’ve basically locked the door and thrown the key into the abyss of the sea. Someone has to find the key! It takes a really special kind of person to unlock that door. Even if someone finds the key, it doesn’t mean they’ll be able to open the door, but once someone is able to open the door, that love is really powerful. You know you are loved for beyond your looks, your brains, your personality, whatever. You are loved for YOU. As you are. Not who you once were. Not who you could be. Who you are now.

This explains why I’ve always wanted to be with close friends. Even if initially I wasn’t attracted to them, the closer I got to them I wanted to be with them. This also explains why I struggled to be with my husband sexually. I never felt connected with him emotionally. That’s not to say neither of us tried, it just wasn’t there sadly. This will make dating very difficult for me in the future. Today, most people would rather go on Tinder and hookup or date random strangers than best friends. That’s okay though, I’m in no rush to date again right now. I’m enjoying single life and taking care of myself. Getting to know myself better. After all, how can I be comfortable with another person if I’m not comfortable with myself first? For now, it’s just Jesus and me, and if it’s like that for the rest of my life, that’s okay too. He’s gonna love me better than anyone else ever will. Of course, this makes it difficult for me to have close friends too. I suppose when I do find someone some day, I will need to be more careful, and limit my interactions with close friends, and place really good boundaries with them to limit temptations. Realizing I’m a demisexual answered a lot of questions for me about myself....why I am the way I am with certain things. For now, my focus is on Christ, my first love. I suppose in time, He will bring the right person in my life, who knows. I used to think it was cheesy and stupid to say “I’m dating Jesus” and kinda irreverent. That’s what nuns and monks do though no? Date Jesus? I could be wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being demisexual necessarily, it’s just be attracted to the emotional bond after all. However I suppose depending who that bond is with it could be challenging or even “wrong.” For example, after I get divorced, it’s not wrong for me to date a man I have strong emotional bond with. However, if I were to date a woman I have a strong emotional bond with, it would be wrong. Or if the man was married, that would be wrong. If we’re both single though, I don’t think there’s a problem there. It could be really nice! We already have established boundaries, already know each others strengths and weaknesses, yet love each other anyway! Have similar goals in life, similar dreams in life, similar passions in life, and both have a fire burning in our souls and hearts for Christ!Could be pretty amazing 😉. Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for you on demisexuality. I hope this helps! God bless!