PTSD the Monster

 PTSD.....the monster not in your closet or under the bed

PTSD......it's the monster that dwells in your head

I can't remember what it's like to not have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I've had it for so long, I don't remember what a life without trauma is like.  I was diagnosed with it a decade ago, but I've definitely had it longer than that.  With a history of childhood bullying, sexual abuse, and then some, it takes a toll on a person.  When that continues as an adult, with people gaslighting you, abusing you, neglecting you, manipulating you, abandoning you, it effects you in ways you can't imagine.

I thought I was finally starting to heal....slowly healing.....all the heavy baggage I had been carrying alone for so many years was finally starting to unload.....then....it happens.....the rug is pulled beneath me......I'm swallowed by the darkness and devoured by loneliness, depression, and trauma.  Like you're on a plane flying high in the sky only to have that plane explode in midair and you're free falling in the sky just waiting to crash into the ground flat like a pancake....then when you crash every bone has been pulverized....yet your heart is still beating.....you haven't physically died somehow....but everything inside you has died.....everything in you has been destroyed...... You can't get up on your own because your bones are dust.  Yet even though you're back on the ground, you still hear the explosion, you still feel yourself free falling in the sky.  Even when you're taken to the hospital and fixed up, you can still see the explosion like its happening.  You can't escape it.  You relive it awake and in your sleep.  There's no escape......and no one can help you because they weren't there with you when it happened.  People may say you're overreacting or it's even your fault when it's not.  It's an internal fight you have to fight alone.  So how do you heal?  You don't.  Instead, you learn to cope and you learn to survive.  Your life will never be the same as before the plane explosion.  You will never be that person again.  That person died.  A new person was born from the ashes.  As hard as it is though, you keep going, you keep living.  It's okay to have your weak moments.  It's okay to cry or freak out.  What isn't okay is to end your life or someone else's.  No, you must live!  Live!  Show those who destroyed you or don't understand that you're better than them and keep moving forward!  Yet at the same time, do your best to not harden your heart in it.  I know it's tempting to.....how I've wanted to harden my heart and have come close to it, yet even now I still can't.  That's the best revenge.  To not let them win!  Not let them harden your heart!  Not let them kill your very soul, even if they killed your spirit!  No matter what, don't let them win, keep going!  You can do this!  You will never be who you once were, no, you will be stronger, like the phoenix that died in the ashes, rise above it!

Human beings

 Human beings, they're disgusting, pitiful creatures.  Willing to destroy others with no regards to what their actions do to them.  Killing the very spirit that drives them to live, and will do it with a smile on their faces.  Stabbing people they claim to care about behind their backs.  Animals will kill for survival, but humans, will kill for pleasure or the sake of self righteousness.  Humans will kill worse because they don't just destroy peoples bodies, they kill their very spirits.  Its disgusting....

However, human beings are also resilient.  Able to rise from the ashes like no other creature.  Rise from the very depths of hell and come out stronger than ever, and even after such betrayal, has the capacity to not return evil for evil, but give love to those who previously destroyed them.  There is a strength in human beings, and I dont mean physical strength, that seems almost supernatural....

Human beings, pitiful and disgusting creatures, while at the same time are strong and beautiful creatures....

Consider It Joy

 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.

James 1:2

What does it mean to have joy during trials?

My life has been full of suffering, and stress has been so bad lately that in two weeks I've lost about 10 lbs.  My health is declining.  I've had severe heart palpitations for nearly the past week.  I had to go to the ER a couple nights ago because of severe pain that they couldn't figure out what the cause of it was.  I spend many days having crying spells.  So how do I count it all as joy?  How do we count our suffering as joy?

You look at the lives of the saints, and many of them went through intense suffering, even tortured and killed for Christ.  You look at the life of St Paul and he went through severe suffering.  When he wrote the book of Philippians, he was in a filthy prison.  Yet he wrote:

Always be full of joy in the Lord, I say it again - rejoice!  Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do.  Remember, the Lord is coming soon.  Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

My dear brother or sister, I don't know what you may be going through who's reading this.  I would never undermine whatever suffering you may be going through.  Yet, through suffering, we learn, we grow, and we become strengthened.  We can get through this!  With bleeding hearts and broken spirits, let's lift them up to the One who can repair them!  The enemy seeks to destroy us, but Christ came to give us life (John 10:10).  You want to really annoy the enemy who's trying to destroy you?  Count your suffering as joy.  Give praises to the Lord and Thanksgiving.  You don't have to ignore the suffering, no, that would be no good either.  Ignoring it as if it doesn't exist will further agitate it and let it build. Yet, focusing and wallowing in it will cause it to build as well.  So acknowledge it's there, but fix your eyes on Jesus.  I'm preaching to myself too.  It's much easier said than done, believe me, I know.

Today, right now, let's fix our eyes on Jesus, pray about things, and be thankful to Him.

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Me

 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me."

Matthew 16:24

I've been meditating on this verse today.  What does it mean?

We often want things our way or the highway.  We look at how things in our lives we think are supposed to be; and as soon as things don't seem to go our way we question God.  We ask Him, "It's supposed to go this way!  My life is supposed to go this way!  What the heck are you doing up there?!"  Our ways are not His ways though.  Things don't always go our way, nor should they; because the world would be much more chaotic than it already is - if not destroyed ultimately.  In those times it's time to swallow our pride and give up our ways and follow Jesus.  To lay down our desires, our hopes, our dreams, and what we think should be, and say, "God, I'm going to trust You in all this.  I'm giving it all up and I'm going to follow you!"  It won't be easy though.  Crosses are heavy and meant for execution.  They are meant to kill.  But to follow Christ and die for Him is a reward we cannot even imagine.

I will continue to nail my ways to the cross I bear, and will carry it until the day I fall asleep in this life and wake up into the next.  It's a daily thing to do for all of us.  We often want to take them off the cross and nurse them back to health, but we continually have to nail them to the cross.  While they are our crosses to bear, we are not meant to bear them alone.  Even Jesus had to have help carrying His cross up to Golgotha.  Helping is not doing though.  We have our crosses to bear, and we help others carry theirs, and others help us carry ours.  Ultimately however, we are to bear and carry our own crosses.  It's like recovery from addiction.  You cannot recover from any addiction alone.  I was at a Celebrate Recovery meeting this week and it was described as this:  your accountability partners are your teammates, and your sponsor is your coach.  You're all on the same team with the guidance of your sponsor.  I see it also like a race.  Your accountability partners run with you, offer you water when you're throat is parched, or help bind up your wounds when you're injured.  If they're a little ahead of you, they can warn you of upcoming obstacles for you to dodge or be prepared for.  Your accountability partners help cheer you on as well.  Your sponsor is your coach guiding you.  With both analogies, the sponsor and accountability partners all have a role, but they cannot do YOUR role.  If you're a quarterback, a linebacker or a kicker isn't going to do your role.  If you're running a race, someone else can't run it for you.  You have to do the work yourself, but others can help you and support you.  However, if you try to go through recovery from addiction by yourself, you're more likely to relapse (unless God miraculously takes that addiction from you, which does happen to some people).  I have been clean from addiction to pornography for nearly a decade.  I'm still working on self-harm and other struggles.  The self harm unfortunately seems to be more difficult at the moment.  I've started going to a couple different Celebrate Recovery meetings however and one of them may be starting a Step Study so I hope to get more involved in that again.

We have our crosses to bear, it is our job to nail our ways to them, and carry them.

To Live For Christ

I feel so empty and alone.  I feel a pain so intense it’s sucking the life right out of me.  They say “you’re attention seeking” when I’m crying out for help.  They call me a child when they have no idea the pain I’ve been going through is literally killing me.  Try having no emotional skin, that feels like having 90% of your body covered in 3rd degree burns.  At this point, I feel like I’ve self-combusted and somehow my body survived.  Everything is so painful for me, to where I go back and forth from my traumas telling me “don’t let anyone touch you or get near you” and I just want someone to hold me and tell me “it won’t always be like this; you’re worth fighting for.”  Constantly I think about my death, I’m dying inside so why not finish the job off?  I just cause pain for the people I care about, surely they’d be better off without me.  I keep fighting though, I’m not giving up, not for myself, not for friends or family, but to honor Christ with my life.  I place everything in His hands.  I will continue to empty myself until I have nothing left to give, and I find that even during the times when I feel exhausted and like I have nothing left to give, I always still have more I can give of myself.  I will empty myself of pride and selfishness and though I won’t be perfect, I will do my best to live my life in service to Christ and others.  In serving others, I am serving Christ as well.  I’m wounded, deeply wounded, but I’m dying to myself I will live in Christ.  I won’t hold others mistakes over their heads, but will pray for them, asking God to forgive them, because they don’t know what they’re doing.  I won’t close off my heart to others even though I know I will get hurt again.  I tried to turn my tender heart into stone, but I couldn’t do it.  I suppose God had other plans.  I will put my hope in seeing Christ one day face to face, and He smiles at me and tells me I fought the good fight, and won.  That I served my God and He is pleased with me.  I know I’m not a strong person, but in my weaknesses Christ is strong.  While there are those out there who will use my weaknesses and my heart against me, Christ turns them into spiritual muscles.  I know I won’t live forever in this world, but I am going to live like a soldier for Christ and fight until I breathe my last breath.

The Monster in the Mirror

I’ve never really addressed this in my blog before.  I have many mental illnesses/disorders.  One of them is BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder).  Everyone goes through times in their lives where they think something about them is ugly.  That’s pretty normal.  How is BDD different?  It’s a disorder where we obsess excessively on real or imagined imperfections on particular parts of our bodies.

When I was around five years old, I was in a ballet class.  I remember being in the class one day and there was a wall that had mirrors all across it.  I saw myself in the mirror and felt an overwhelming amount of disgust with what I saw.  It was as if I were looking at a monster or demon in the mirror.  I was not a fat kid, but at five years old I thought I was fat and when I saw my face I wanted to break the mirror because it looked disgusting to me.  I was horrified with what I saw.  It has stuck with me ever since.  Over time it has gotten worse.  I got bullied really badly growing up.  Every time I look in the mirror, I want to punch it and shatter it in a million pieces.  I nearly break down in tears every day.  I spend a lot of time usually doing my hair and makeup and I obsess over it.  Constantly having to fix it when I notice some of it is coming off.  Even then though, I still don’t feel beautiful.  When I take pictures of myself, I often have to put a filter on because I feel I look too ugly without it.  Even when I was at a healthy weight in high school, I still saw myself as fat.  To be fair I was called a heifer but still.  I would get on the scale every day and workout (played Dance Dance Revolution) for hours every day.  Guys would whistle at me at times when I’d be walking down the street, but I still felt hideous.  Many times I haven’t wanted to leave my house because I feel too ugly to be seen by anyone.  I even bought a mask once online because I was too embarrassed to be seen; but my mom said if I wore it people would lose respect for me.  So I didn’t wear it.  I have scars all over my body from accidents and self harming.  My arms are covered in them.  I have stretch marks on my body and not from the joys pregnancy.  They are tell stories of traumas and pains that I’ve had to endure all my life.  Dealing with the stresses of life alone.  So I coped the best way I could.  I ate.  I cut.  Now I try to get healthier, knowing even if I get healthy, I will probably never be happy with how I look.  I will always see my face as disfigured or my body as fat, even though I’ll know in my head those things aren’t true.  I take a lot of pics of myself with makeup for practice, but I’m also trying to boost my self esteem.  Some may think I have ulterior motives, but I’m trying to work on feeling better about myself.  My hope is one day when I look in the mirror, and I see the sad monster looking back at me, I can tell it that it’s beautiful.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

(No filter added)

Make it Stop

Everything in me is slowly dying....
My body is shutting down......
My heart pains me with every beat.....
I just want it to stop.....I just want the pain to stop!

I look at my arms and think “one more slice could end all the pain....”
I’m just an empty shell that exists......while my insides are dying......
I just want it to stop......I just want the pain to stop!

Why keep fighting a losing battle?  I have nothing to fight for.....
The universe has been cruel to me all my life.......
Why God.....why must my life be filled with so much suffering since childhood?
I just want it to stop......I just want the pain to stop!

Please make my pain stop God!  I can’t take it anymore!
Everything hurts!  I’m so tired of hurting all the time!
I know I’m not innocent....I’ve screwed up innocent lives......
Have I not suffered enough in my life?  All the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed?
I just want it to stop......I just want the pain to stop!

I just want the pain to fucking stop!  Is death the only way it’ll end?
I have no hope for things to get better.....so why do I keep fighting?
Why do I keep fighting when I have nothing to fight for left?
My tears burn like acid.....my chest hurts with every breath......

Every night when I go to bed I hope I don’t wake up......
Every morning I wake up disappointed......
Please God......make the pain stop!


#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

They May Be One

that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me.

John 17:21

I've been seeing a lot of memes today on Facebook on Protestantism vs Catholicism (and some would attack Orthodoxy as well).  I get it’s out of humor, but I hate it when Christians attack or make fun of other Christians.  This is NOT Christ-like!  With all the stuff going on in the world we should be uniting together, not being more divided!  Before Jesus was betrayed and was praying in the Garden, he prayed for the Church.  That they would be one just as he and the Father are one.  Y’all, we have done a REALLY terrible job at that.  We should honestly be ashamed of ourselves for failing in this department.  We were all one church once, then we were divided by the schism in 1054.  This became the split between the East (Orthodox) and the West (Roman Catholics).  Then the Reformation happened in the Roman Catholic Church in 1517 by Martin Luther.  This is when Protestantism was born.  In the Protestant Church there are so many different denominations that it’s honestly ridiculous.  There is so much division in the Church even over the most stupid stuff!  On top of that, we tend to shoot our own people worse than those who don’t claim to follow Christ!  How pathetic are we!  I have seen this personally on all sides. Orthodox, Catholics, and Protestants.  Many claiming to be holier than the other; claiming they know God better than the other or are better Christians than the other.  This. Is. Bull crap.  Stop attacking each other!  Stop it!  People on the outside look in and think, “I’m glad I’m not one of them when they attack their own people!”  You want to show the world you’re in Christ?  Love one another.  Respect one another.  You don’t have to agree with each other.  But this making fun of each other does not help the cause, it hurts it. 

“May they be one, as we are one.”

Let’s unite together, be kind to one another.  No more mocking each other.  No more attacking each other.  I’m not saying universalism either.  Let’s be one body in Christ.


P.S:  I get I'm not your typical Orthodox Christian.  I'm still learning, but even so, I believe there are true followers of Christ who are Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestant, just as there are those who claim to follow Christ in all three branches but really don't.  It is not my place to judge where someone's heart is when I have enough wickedness in my own heart.  We can disagree on different doctrines, but please, stop attacking and mocking each other!

To My Dear Friend

Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

- 1Samuel 18:1

You point me to the Light when I’m surrounded by darkness

When I’m drowning in depression, you reach out your hand and pull me up

When I’m afraid you give me boldness

If Christ is the hero, you’re backup

You teach me what it’s like to be selfless

You teach me what it’s like to be self-sacrificial

You’re there when I feel helpless

You show me what it’s like to have true friendship, not something superficial

How can I express to you how much your friendship means to me?

How can I thank you enough for the kindness you have shown me?

I don’t understand why you care for me so much, I’m no one special

I tend to cause so much pain for people, can you still really see me as someone special?

Whenever I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone, I’ve always regretted it

How could I not?  My trust and love has often been betrayed and spat on

When I’ve opened my heart to you, I have been afraid, I’ll admit

So afraid that everything I’ve thought of you was wrong and you’ll turn out to be a con

But I do not regret sharing my heart with you, even when I have been hurt

To me, you’re worth any pain I may go through, the joy you give me outweighs the pain

There is a special place for you in my heart

Amidst the chaos, you help bring clarity in my brain

You bring me healing when I have open wounds, you bring calmness to me in my anxiety

When I shake my fists to the heavens you calm the rage in my heart

You help me seek out sobriety

I pray our friendship never parts

When I am weak and can’t fight anymore, your prayers give me strength to keep going

When the demons attack me, your prayers protect me

You help me continue growing

You give me so much, can’t you see?

There’s so much I could say

Everything I’m grateful to you for, every affection I have for you 

You’re a diamond that shines brightly, a star glimmering bright rays

You’re a true friend, through and through

May God bless our bond, may God bless our friendship

You’ve been such a blessing to me, may we always be friends in this life and the next

I couldn’t ask for a better friend

Thank you for being one of my greatest gifts in this life

Alone

I feel so alone......it feels unbearable......every time I bear my heart to someone, bad things happen......terrible things happen that break me into millions of pieces and kills me.  No one can handle my heavy heart......not one person can carry it with me.......I fight for people......I fight for them in their struggles......I go into battle for them when the enemy attacks them.......but who will go into battle for me when my demons attack me?  Who will fight for me on my behalf?  I have to fight the enemy alone......I have to face the world alone......

No......I don’t fight alone.  The saints fight for me on my behalf.  The angels fight for me on my behalf.  The Theotokos fights for me on my behalf.  Christ fights for me on my behalf.  Even though I can’t bear my heart to anyone in this world in this life, even though my heavy, fragile, glass heart is too much for everyone here, it’s not too much for those in heaven.

I often feel I’m cursed for having this bleeding heart of mine.  Perhaps it’s not a curse though.  I have a big, tender heart.  Though it’s fragile, it also endures.  It desires to help those who often cannot help themselves.  Those who the enemy targets to try to steal, kill, and destroy.  I cannot rescue people the same way God can, but I do take on others burdens.  I go into prayer and I fight for them on their behalf, never expecting anything in return.  That’s just how I am.  I won’t rely on other people to help me carry my heavy, fragile heart anymore though.  I will rely on those in heaven to help me carry it.  I will rely on Christ to help me continue to endure my endless pains.

Little Girl

Every time it seems my heart starts to heal, it gets crushed again.  My heart breaks so much, I have not felt such intense pain in a couple months.  I have never cried so intensely.  Life is cruel to me, giving me hope one moment then taking it away the next.  Giving me a reason to keep going then destroying me.  That scared little girl who is always with me, just wanting to be loved and feel safe.  She doesn’t know how to grow up because she’s stuck from the ghosts that abused her.  That little girl wanted to grow up and help people.  She wanted to save the world.  Yet she cannot even save herself. Arms scarred up, body bruised, matted hair, tears rolling down her face.  She beats her head and her breasts, Rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor, wailing like a banshee in pain, and wondering what happened to her life?  What happened to her dreams?  Voices telling her to off herself, she’s begging God, “please God just put me out of misery!”  She lays on the floor breathing heavily and spastically.  She can’t catch her breath.  Her heart beats so fast, as if it’s about to jump out of her body.  Her chest hurts like something broke, something she held dear.  She lays there unsure if she can even get up to vomit or if she’s going to end up laying in her vomit.  Continues to beg God, “please make it stop!”  Her heart bleeds, and she wonders, “why did God give me this cursed heart?”  All she wanted was to feel loved and safe, was that so much to ask for?  Then a voice tells her, “love is a lie, a fantasy, a delusion.  There’s no such thing!”  That scared little girl, out of breath, feeling defeated, empty, alone, and dying, turns to the voice and says, “away from me Satan!”  That little girl tries to pick herself up from the floor, and in her tears and battered body cries out, “God, even if no one in this world can love me, even if I can never feel safe with anyone again, I know you love me and will protect me; even when I cannot protect myself.”  For a moment, that little girl became a brave woman.  Though the brave woman doesn’t come out often, buried, she is in there somewhere.......

Fighting Together

I’ve spent much of my life fighting alone.  Growing up I got bullied a lot and no one defended me.  I had some friends, but they typically didn’t last very long for me.  It’s also really difficult for me to trust people because of abuse and abandonment.  When I start to trust and get close to someone, I push them away or I test them.  I crave intimacy and closeness with people, but I often fear it.  It terrifies me because I’ve been hurt so many times.  I’m so used to being alone though, even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people, that I don’t really know how to do life with people.  The battles life throws at us, I’m so used to fighting them by myself that I don’t know how to let people in.  How do I let people in?  I’m trying really hard to allow people (well, some people, I’m trying to be very selective with who I let in my bubble) to be there for me.  I honestly hate being alone.  I’m trying to trust a select few.  While I need to trust more, I need to make sure I’m trustworthy too.  I need to not let my fears overtake me.  Life is full of hurt.  Sure I can keep everyone at a distance and stay safe, but is that really living?  Is trusting no one really living?  Let me answer that for you:

It’s not living.

We need people to do life with.  We don’t need a lot of people.  If you have only a few people in your corner, you are richer than most people in the world.  Cherish those relationships, and never take them for granted.  Don’t ever cease thanking them for being there for you.

To those who have been there for me, who have endured with me, thank you.  I will work hard at not only allowing you in and trusting you, but I will also work on being someone you can rely on and trust too.  Thank you for everything, you are worth the risk of me being hurt.

Rain and Rainbows

I’ve been trying to heal from something that’s been really difficult for me (if you haven’t read my last blog entry).  I’ve been cutting again, among other things I’d rather not discuss at the moment.  I seem to be getting worse and sicker.  I keep everyone at a distance - my friends, family, priest, therapist even.  I’m having a difficult time trusting everyone.  I second guess everyone, including myself.  Everything I say to someone I’m afraid I said something wrong and panic; afraid they will leave me high and dry too.  When people say they care about me, I question their genuinity (if that’s a word).  I spend many days crying, afraid I’ll be alone, even though I push people away.  When one person breaks my trust, everyone loses my trust.  I know that’s not fair for other people, and I do apologize to the people effected by that, as well as my reckless behavior.

I was talking to a friend today (a fellow Borderline friend).  It’s been raining a lot lately in my area, which I don’t mind because I find rain relaxing.  She was talking about how she misses the sun, when I said something kinda profound.

“You can’t have rainbows without the rain.”

I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but think about it.  Rainbows come out after a storm.  So it is in life.  You can’t know the good times in life without knowing the hard times.  You can’t know the people who help heal you without knowing shitty people.  So if you’re going through a dark time right now, don’t give up hope.  No matter how severe the storm seems, there’s a beautiful rainbow around the corner.  The clouds will eventually clear up, the winds will eventually calm down, and the rain will eventually stop.  Don’t give up.