I’ve been trying to heal from something that’s been really difficult for me (if you haven’t read my last blog entry). I’ve been cutting again, among other things I’d rather not discuss at the moment. I seem to be getting worse and sicker. I keep everyone at a distance - my friends, family, priest, therapist even. I’m having a difficult time trusting everyone. I second guess everyone, including myself. Everything I say to someone I’m afraid I said something wrong and panic; afraid they will leave me high and dry too. When people say they care about me, I question their genuinity (if that’s a word). I spend many days crying, afraid I’ll be alone, even though I push people away. When one person breaks my trust, everyone loses my trust. I know that’s not fair for other people, and I do apologize to the people effected by that, as well as my reckless behavior.
I was talking to a friend today (a fellow Borderline friend). It’s been raining a lot lately in my area, which I don’t mind because I find rain relaxing. She was talking about how she misses the sun, when I said something kinda profound.
“You can’t have rainbows without the rain.”
I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but think about it. Rainbows come out after a storm. So it is in life. You can’t know the good times in life without knowing the hard times. You can’t know the people who help heal you without knowing shitty people. So if you’re going through a dark time right now, don’t give up hope. No matter how severe the storm seems, there’s a beautiful rainbow around the corner. The clouds will eventually clear up, the winds will eventually calm down, and the rain will eventually stop. Don’t give up.
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