Little Girl

Every time it seems my heart starts to heal, it gets crushed again.  My heart breaks so much, I have not felt such intense pain in a couple months.  I have never cried so intensely.  Life is cruel to me, giving me hope one moment then taking it away the next.  Giving me a reason to keep going then destroying me.  That scared little girl who is always with me, just wanting to be loved and feel safe.  She doesn’t know how to grow up because she’s stuck from the ghosts that abused her.  That little girl wanted to grow up and help people.  She wanted to save the world.  Yet she cannot even save herself. Arms scarred up, body bruised, matted hair, tears rolling down her face.  She beats her head and her breasts, Rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor, wailing like a banshee in pain, and wondering what happened to her life?  What happened to her dreams?  Voices telling her to off herself, she’s begging God, “please God just put me out of misery!”  She lays on the floor breathing heavily and spastically.  She can’t catch her breath.  Her heart beats so fast, as if it’s about to jump out of her body.  Her chest hurts like something broke, something she held dear.  She lays there unsure if she can even get up to vomit or if she’s going to end up laying in her vomit.  Continues to beg God, “please make it stop!”  Her heart bleeds, and she wonders, “why did God give me this cursed heart?”  All she wanted was to feel loved and safe, was that so much to ask for?  Then a voice tells her, “love is a lie, a fantasy, a delusion.  There’s no such thing!”  That scared little girl, out of breath, feeling defeated, empty, alone, and dying, turns to the voice and says, “away from me Satan!”  That little girl tries to pick herself up from the floor, and in her tears and battered body cries out, “God, even if no one in this world can love me, even if I can never feel safe with anyone again, I know you love me and will protect me; even when I cannot protect myself.”  For a moment, that little girl became a brave woman.  Though the brave woman doesn’t come out often, buried, she is in there somewhere.......