Hope for Morning

When you live with mental illness, it can often feel like there's no hope left.  I know for me, I've been really feeling that way for nearly the past three months.  My world seems to be crashing down. I feel like every little bit I hold onto, it slips out of my hands.  Like I'm drowning, gasping for air, but more water is filling my lungs.  I beg God to rescue me, yet at the same time I keep saying, "Your will be done."  I try to remind myself no matter what, God wants what's best for me and isn't going to just reject me.  He's not going to forget about me.  No matter what pain I may be having to endure, He's going to be there with me.  I'm nowhere near perfect with this though.  When you have paranoia, it's difficult, to say the least, to remember that God has your best interest.  Our best interest may not be what we think is best for us, but He knows what's best for us more than we do - He created us after all!  Though, I'm starting to think, maybe it doesn't matter what's in my best interest.  Maybe, what matters is what's in HIS best interest.  By this I mean what if it doesn't matter so much what's best for me, what will help me, or what will protect me.  What if what really matters is the glory we bring Him?  What if what really matters is serving Him, rather than serving ourselves?  I know, you may be thinking, "Isn't that what you say already?  Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"  It is.  I often say I want to serve God.  I try my best to serve God (I'm nowhere near perfect at it).  I'm starting to wonder though, what if my words say I serve God, but my actions say otherwise?  It's not easy for a mentally healthy person, it's DEFINITELY not easy for a mentally sick person.  For so much of my life I've focused on protecting myself, yet where has that gotten me?  Am I more protected now than I was before?

Last night, I got my eight month chip at Celebrate Recovery for not cutting.  I've got to say, this was my hardest one to get.  With everything that has been going on, I honestly started to think I didn't even care about getting the chip anymore.  I just wanted some relief.  I had a couple of really close calls.  My husband had to stop me.  God-willing though, I managed to be able to get it.  So much hope has been lost in me.  I'm trying so hard to fight this lifelong battle, but it often feels like a losing fight.  I don't really feel like I'm living anymore, just existing.  I know with my own strength, I will not win this fight.  With the help from others, and especially with the help from God, I can do this.  There is hope for the morning.  Every day may seem like the same miserable day, but every morning is a new sunrise, and every sunrise promises a new chance - a new beginning.

True Friendship

It's been a difficult week - heck, it's been a difficult two months!  I've been really feeling like I'm a burden for people, especially now that I know my meds aren't going to help some of my problems like I had hoped....

So I had been thinking that I would just shut everyone out.  I wouldn't be a burden or a problem for anyone then.  Everyone would just have to forget about me.  I made a realization though today - or at least, for today I've realized it.  There are people who do love me.  My paranoia often says no one does, and that everyone will leave me; but there are people who won't leave me.  My paranoia remembers there have been people in the past who said they loved me, and left me alone in the end when I needed them most; but there are people who really [might] not leave me.  I do have friends who care about me, and very well could possibly remain with me for a long time, if not forever!  So why would I shut them out?

After making this realization, it made me realize that through all these struggles, through all my stupid mental illnesses, maybe there is a blessing behind it.  If I were "normal," which is something I have always wanted to be, it'd be more difficult to know who my real friends are.  Whether you're mentally sick like me or are considered normal, there are always going to be people who hate you, who stab you in the back, who abandon you.  While it's still difficult knowing who my real friends are, since I am mentally sick (and my paranoia tells me there are no real friends), at the same time it weeds out the "savior complex" people.  The people who only want to be friends with me because they see me as a project.  "I can fix her!  I can save her!"  When they realize they can't, they leave.  While this hurts tremendously, it shows me they weren't real friends to begin with.  They never truly loved me.  There are those who did used to love me, but eventually they stopped.  Now that I may never truly be better though, I'll be able to see who really are going to stick around.  The ones who truly do love me will be with me through all this - despite how sick I am.

Now I'm not excusing myself from trying to improve myself.  No, I'm still going to try my best to control my moods and emotions.  I'm still going to try to not listen to my paranoia.  But when I screw up, when I act like a jerk, my true friends will still be there.  It doesn't mean they'll approve of my behavior, but they won't leave me.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much out of people.  Then again, I don't really expect people to hang around me for a long time anymore.  After being dropped so many times, it surprises me when they stay.  I will do my best to be a good friend.  I will do my best to learn how to have more self-control.  I will do my best to remember even during my paranoia episodes that there are people who really do love me and won't leave me.

I love y'all!  Thanks for staying by my side through all this!

Torn

If you've been following my blog from the past few entries, you know I've been having a really difficult time.  If you haven't, I'll try to speed you up.

For the past two months, my psych meds have stopped working.  On top of that, there have been some, circumstances, that have caused things to be worse for me.  Things have been so bad that I had made plans on Good Friday to end my life.  Obviously, I'm still here.  With the help of a few people, I managed to not make an attempt.  I decided for the sake of others, I would not try to end my life.  I kept trying to believe that eventually, my meds will work and help A LOT.  I never thought they would cure me, but I thought they'd make my life a lot easier, not just for me, but for people who have to deal with me.

Today I saw my psychiatrist.  He increased the dosage to my antipsychotic and my sleeping medications, but other than that, he said there's nothing more he can do to help me.  In other words, meds aren't going to save me.  Medications are not going to help me control my moods, emotions, or paranoia.  The only thing they'll help is my hallucinating.  This has been very discouraging for me.  I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.  No one should have to deal with this crap from me.  No one should have to deal with me being super depressed one moment, then blowing up in a fit of rage the next moment.  Everything is so extreme for me - it's exhausting.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.  I've thought about isolating even more than I already do - just blocking everyone out of my life so they don't have to deal with me anymore.  I really feel like that's what's best for everyone - at this point at least anyway.  If I can figure out how to get these things under control, then yea, I'll bring them back in.  Blocking people out would not be easy for me though.  There are two big fears I have:  going crazy, and being completely alone.  I already feel like I've gone crazy, and now I feel like I am going to have to be completely alone (well, nearly.  Being that my husband lives with me, it's kinda hard to shut him out).

I don't want to shut people out, I really don't.  There are a few I especially don't want to shut out.  I get teary-eyed just thinking about it....
I don't want to be alone.  I'm in turmoil over this.  Either way, people will be hurt.  They'll either get hurt being around me long enough, or they'll be hurt if I shut them out.  I can't win either way.  I'm such a people pleaser....

I haven't decided to do this yet.  For one thing, I know isolating is a really bad thing to do.  But is it bad if I'm doing it to protect others from me?  I'm not doing it to protect myself this time - but to protect other people.  I don't know though....

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up yet.  I made a promise to a few people that I wouldn't kill myself, nor would I cut.  If this is my cross I have to bear, then so be it.  But it's a heavy one, and others don't have to carry it with me.  I don't want to burden anyone, and I don't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.  Most people can't carry this burden with me, and end up leaving me.  They tend to have a "savior complex" with me.  They look at me and think, "I can fix her!  I can save her!"  But when they realize they can't, I drain them....and they leave me.  I know there are some who want to carry this with me, but I don't want to drain them too.  Right now, my goals are to get better, stronger, more self-control, and no longer being a problem for people.  I don't know how I'll do that, but with God on my side, I'm certain it can happen.  In the meantime though, I don't want anyone to suffer on my behalf.  That is why I am considering to just being alone.....

We'll see what happens.  Please keep me in your prayers.  Thank you.

Suffering and Healing

I'm desperate for relief.  The pain torments me day and night.  My chest hurts from my heart aching so much.  I flood my pillow with my tears daily.  Everything with me is so extreme and out of control - my moods, my emotions, my depression, and my paranoia.  I weep every day in fear that I will lose everyone I care so deeply about - that I will be completely alone.  Others who I have cared for, and I had thought cared about me, turned their backs on me.  Who is to say those who care about me now won't do the same?  I don't know how much more I can take of all of this.  I'm beyond my breaking point, and I wonder if I'll ever recover.  Even if I get the right medications and the right dosages, will I ever be restored?  Or will I just be numb - an empty shell just getting by in life.  Will there ever be life in my eyes?  Will I always be surrounded by darkness, or will I ever be surrounded in light?

I will put my trust in you though, O LORD.  On my own strength, I am doomed for failure.  In my weakness though, you are strong.  If this is my cross to bear, then so be it.  With you, I will continue to fight this war; and with you, I know I will be victorious.  The enemy may try to wear me down, but I will not give in to him.  He is nothing but a small flea compared to your great and amazing power.  Your grace will sustain me.  My pain will only be for a moment, compared to the great joy I will have with you for eternity some day - but that day will not come by my own hands.  I may cry tears of sorrow now, but some day I will cry tears of joy when I see you face to face.  I may be surrounded by darkness now, but some day I will be bathed in your light.  By your grace and mercy, I will make it through this.  

No matter what pain or sorrow I have, I will not leave you - not again.  I was a fool to have left you in the past; to think you did not want me anymore.  But you showed me I was wrong, and you love me more than I could ever imagine.  Therefore, no matter what I go through, I will give you glory through it all.  I will praise your name no matter what I'm going through or how I'm feeling.  May you be glorified in my suffering and in my healing.  I thank you for the people in my life, whether they be here with me forever or for a short while.  You have blessed me with much, even though I have so little to give.  So much of me has been stolen away by those who have abused me - but you still love me for who I am, and you take what I have left to give.  I give you all that is left of me.  Take and use what you will.  You use who the world considers foolish to bring you glory.  May you also, use me to bring you glory.  I'm completely broken now, but I know one day, I will be whole again.  Until then, may my life be a living sacrifice to you.  If my suffering can bring even one person into your kingdom, then it has all been worth it.  To you be all the glory.  Amen.

Road to Healing

Happy late Easter (I know I'm really late)!  I made it through Easter weekend (which is a miracle in itself).  I had decided that over the Easter weekend, I would not end my life, but I couldn't promise how long after that I could keep going.  A couple nights ago, I had a couple dreams.

I tried to kill myself (both in the same way), the way I had planned to do it.  I survived in them though, and with very little physical damage.  But I had to live with the consequences of really hurting people.  I woke up wondering if maybe God gave me these dreams to show me if I go through with it, this is what could happen.  I don't want to hurt anyone - I just get really desperate and feel like it's the only way I'll get any relief.

A couple weeks ago I begged God to show me I'm worth more alive than dead, and this past week I think he's really been reaching out to me, showing me that I am worth more alive than dead.  I don't know if these dreams came from him, but it's definitely something to consider.  I mean, if they are from him, I probably should listen right?  So yesterday, I made the decision that as long as I still have a little sanity left, I won't consider suicide anymore. If I completely lose my mind I can't promise what I may or may not do though.

I told my husband, my sponsor, a couple of friends, and my mom what my plan had been.  I figured if I told them, it would keep me from actually doing them.  I kinda regret telling them, but I know it was probably the right thing to do.  I will not be revealing it here though so I don't give anyone any ideas or trigger anyone.

I still have a long ways in healing, and my meds still need a lot of work done, but I know this is what I have to do.  Thank you for your prayers.  I appreciate them and I hope you will continue to pray for my healing.  Thank you again.