I've been going through a Bible Study called "The Compassionate Heart of Jesus" on the YouVersion app (when you download it the icon says "Bible"). I've been very suicidal as I'm sure you know, and I've been really fighting the urge to hurt myself. Sometimes I wonder just how much fight I've got left until I'm pushed off the edge and can't recover from it. I'm so broken. I'm the broken toy no one wants to play with anymore. I seem to be irreparable. But there was something I read yesterday in my study:
As Jesus and the disciples left the town of Jericho, a large crowd followed behind. Two blind men were sitting beside the road. When they heard that Jesus was coming that way, they began shouting, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
"Be quiet!" the crowd yelled at them.
But they only shouted louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
When Jesus heard them, he stopped and called, "What do you want me to do for you?"
"Lord," they said, "we want to see!" Jesus felt sorry for them and touched their eyes. Instantly they could see! Then they followed him.
- Matthew 20:29-34
What does this tell us about Jesus? In other translations it says he had "compassion for them" (I just use the NLT - New Living Translation mostly because it's easier for me to understand). There are other places where it says he had compassion.
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were helpless and harassed, like sheep without a shepherd." - Matthew 9:36
And when he drew near and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes." - Luke 19:41-42
Jesus had (and still has) compassion for the hurting, the sick, the weak, the defenseless, and yes, even those who hurt others. It got me thinking, if Jesus were here, would he have compassion for me? I'm so sick (mentally), and my symptoms seem to keep getting worse (we are trying to work on my medication). Would he have mercy on someone like me? I talked to my husband about this last night and he said if Jesus were here, he'd just listen, knowing it'd probably be hard for me to trust him because I strongly distrust men. Then when I'd start to trust him, he'd hold me, reaffirming me of who I am in him and how he sees me. Maybe he'd heal me, maybe not, but even if he didn't, it would be for my good. How that would be good I don't know, maybe my mental illnesses are just my thorns in the flesh or something.
There was an event yesterday, where someone I knew attacked one of my family's friends who's been very sick, and while we pray for a miracle, it may not happen (but we still pray and hope!). This greatly angered me, and it did with a lot of other people too. This guy has hurt me pretty badly in the past as well - to the point where I became suicidal because he tried to convince me that my dad AND my husband are heretics! But I didn't let my anger out (though I really wanted to). Instead, I took pity that he would actually think he's spreading God's light in these attacks, but doesn't realize he's actually spreading darkness instead. He's more of a legalistic Pharisee than a compassionate follower of Christ. As those who follow Christ, we are to be a reflection of him. We won't be perfect reflections, but if Jesus was compassionate, and we are to reflect him, doesn't that mean we should be compassionate too? Jesus showed us compassion by carrying our sins on his shoulders on the cross, how can we not show compassion to others?
Jesus has compassion for everyone. I mean think about it, those who hurt others, what could they have gone through to make them do such things? With this being said, for me, no matter how angry I might feel (there's nothing wrong with FEELING angry, even Jesus got angry!), I will have compassion even for those who hurt others.
So what does that mean for me now? Well, I can't help if I feel suicidal, but what I can do is not give into it. I've promised people that I'm not even going to consider it as an option, and I meant it and still do mean it. I need to ask God for strength to get through this difficult time in my life. Only He can truly save me from myself. He gave me life for a reason. He kept me away from death for a reason. What that reason is I still have not figured it out, but if I'm still here, there's still a reason for me to be here. If God has me here for a reason, then I can't try to end the story before the Author has given it an ending. That day will come one day, but it's not my decision as to when or even how. So I need to keep pressing forward, and keep enduring until that day comes.
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