A lot of things have been happening lately (I know I probably say that in a lot of my blogs - though I don't typically blog every day so that may be why, lol). I've been really working on bettering myself. I'm exercising and trying to eat healthier food. I've tried broccoli in pasta, my husband and I both tried watermelon, and I've got Ezekiel Bread. I also tried coconut milk. I haven't really started liking anything healthy yet, but some things have been tolerable. Anyway, as you may have seen in my latest entries, I've decided suicide isn't an option anymore. Do I still feel suicidal? Yes, but I've made a choice to not give into it. Why just yesterday I felt like hurting myself, but I chose not to. Instead, I decided to clean the kitchen (which honestly REALLY needed to get cleaned). I cleaned while listening to some worship songs. Since I was home alone, I was able to sing along with them (I'm very self-conscious in case you haven't figured that out yet, lol). There are things though that seem to be trying to prevent me from getting better though. It's as if some force is trying to pull me back. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to fight for my life and if I die, I die trying. I've been getting into my Bible more too (I use an app called YouVersion and you can check out different Bible Studies/Devotionals).
Last night I had a dream, and I woke up nearly in tears. I don't really know where it came from, maybe it's from the studies I've been doing, or maybe even because I recently saw the Case for Christ movie, but it really moved me. In my dream, how do I put this....I saw the crucifixion of Jesus. I saw him be flogged, drag his cross up Golgotha, and be crucified. It wasn't in complete details, it was like, a compilation of photos flashing across a screen. Very strange, but very moving at the same time. Again, I don't know where this dream came from. All I know is when I woke up, I really felt the love of God. It seems like whenever I have a dream about Jesus, I always wake up nearly in tears. These dreams don't happen often, I usually have really horrific dreams. In some ways, this one was pretty horrific too. To watch someone be tortured and brutally murdered is no easy feat. Sometimes (for me anyway) it's okay to watch it in a movie because I know it's fake (if it's based on a true story that's completely different). But watching someone actually go through it is hard to stomach. Even though the dream was more like snapshots, it was real for me. I prayed for like an hour, and I couldn't get back to sleep so I just got up and decided to blog about it.
When I have dreams about God (like I said, they're very rare for me), I hold them very close to my heart. Sometimes I wonder if God gave me those dreams. It's not something I go around bragging about; I actually don't talk about them very often. They're very personal to me. This blog isn't really about those dreams though. It's more about what Jesus went through for us.
But many were amazed when they saw him. His face was so disfigured he seemed hardly human, and from his appearance, one would scarcely know he was a man.
- Isaiah 52:14
Once Jesus got up Golgotha, they crucified him. We get the term "excruciating" from crucifixion because it was so painful. They hammered nails into his wrists and feet. The nails were made of iron and 7-9 inches long. In order to breathe, you'd have to pull yourself up using your arms to inhale, and then back down with your feet to exhale. Fluids would fill your lungs, slowly suffocating you. Now imagine doing this for hours. After Jesus died, a soldier stuck a spear in his side, and water and blood came out. This shows that fluid had filled his lungs.
You may be thinking, "If he were God, he could've gotten down from the cross on his own! He could've prevented the whole thing from happening!" Yes, he could have, but he chose not to. You know why? Love. Love kept him on the cross. He could've just said, "I'm done with this people! They don't deserve to be saved!" If he did do that, he'd be completely justified in doing so. If he really wanted to give up on us, he could've and who could blame him? Our society is slowly destroying itself! We're adulterers, we're murderers, we're thieves, we're liars, we don't deserve love. But he gives it to us anyway. He says "YOU are worth saving." Instead of damning us forever for our screw ups, we can be saved! Since he died and three days later resurrected, he defeated death!
Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting?
- 1 Corinthians 15:55
He reaches out to you, giving you the gift of himself. He was tortured for you, killed for you, and resurrected for you. He defeated death for you. It's your choice whether to accept that gift or not. It's for all people. It's for all the people who know they don't have everything together. It's for those who are broken in spirit. He gives this gift to everyone, he doesn't keep it from anyone. It doesn't matter what terrible deed you've done, he still gives it to you. It's not like he HAS to give it away, he CHOOSES to give it away. You just have to accept the gift. I'm not going to tell you all your problems will go away - I'd be lying. Dare I even say your life may be even more difficult than it was before? But let me tell you this, it's completely worth it! Our pain in this life may seem like forever, but compared to being with Christ forever, our pain here is but for a minute.
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.
- Psalm 30:5
It's your choice. He won't force you, he gave you free will for a reason after all.
"I'll do it when I feel better." There's no time for that! We are but a breath away! We don't control when we live nor when we die. If you wait, it may be too late. If you die before accepting his gift, you won't be able to accept it. You will never know the love of God. Please, accept this wonderful gift from him, you won't regret it.