Wednesday, March 8, 2017


I got sick again for a while.  We still don't know why I'm so sick (I've been sick for five months now).  Today I'm doing really well (nausea-wise) so I thought I'd go ahead and write a blog entry while I'm doing okay.

My husband and I had been going through Clannad and Clannad After Story.  We finally finished it tonight.  I don't want to give things away, but while I was watching it, it made me think about the times when I wish I could go back in time and change things.  What if I hadn't tried to kill myself in 2009?  I wouldn't have this brain injury.  I wouldn't be schizophrenic.  What if in 10th grade I hadn't cut myself?  Maybe I wouldn't have this addiction to self mutilation.  What if I hadn't let myself go?  What if I had realized I wasn't fat and had no reason to give up taking care of myself?  Maybe I wouldn't be morbidly obese.  We can go on and on about what ifs.  As cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason.  No matter how bad something is, God will use it for good.  I've been through a lot of abuse, emotional and sexual.  I have what ifs about those too.  What if I screamed at school when that guy touched me?  What if I hadn't been so foolish to give my trust to people who really didn't deserve it?  The list goes on.

While my husband and I were watching Clannad After Story tonight, I asked him, "If my suicide attempt two years ago had been successful, would you have regretted meeting me?"  He answered no.  When I think about my first attempt in 2009, it really sucked.  But if it hadn't happened, I maybe wouldn't have met the man who I'd marry and loves me more than any other person in the world!  It sucks to have the issues I have since the first suicide attempt, and after the second one the doctor said I could have kidney issues, but as hard as it is, it was worth it if it means I'm with my husband.  I'm not saying suicide is the answer.  It definitely is NOT!  It's not something to play with.  If you make an attempt, you may not make it out alive.  I know that may sound like a relief, I've been there, when you feel like there's no hope, you just screw everything up and you want to escape it all.  Trust me, suicide is not the answer to end your pain.  If you don't succeed, you can end up with permanent damage.  If you succeed, you will put all your pain and more on top of those who love you and care about you.  Either way, your pain does NOT go away, it gets amplified.

Anyway, we need to accept what has happened in the past.  What happened, happened; there's no changing it.  The question is, how do you move on from it?  Sometimes moving on doesn't end happily.  When you go through abuse, it is not easy to move on.  That memory stays with you for a long time, if not forever.  You gave your trust away, and they took advantage of it.  Moving on means you have to learn how to trust again.  Moving on means you can't picture things being repaired with that person(s).  When you are morbidly obese, you can't just say, "Well, this is bad, I'll just go back so many years ago when I wasn't this way."  Moving on means you have to work at losing that weight and getting healthy.  The same goes with addictions.  You can't just go back to the days when you didn't have that addiction.  You have to work at conquering it and accept that the struggle may stay with you for the rest of your life.  Life sucks.  No question about that.  Some days are good, but it seems like most days are bad (for me anyway).  We wish we could go back in time and change things.  But that's impossible.  So we need to live for today and do what we can to make the world a better place.  Even if we feel useless and worthless, we can still do something to make the world a better place.  I know this isn't easy.  I'm on disability which means I can't have a job.  I'm watching all my friends do meaningful things with their lives, many of them doing the things I always wanted to do but can't.  I feel like I can't do anything, and this illness I've had for five months has made that feeling even worse.  I feel like I don't do anything to contribute to society.  But that's not true.  My life is not worthless.  I can do something to improve the world.  My hope is that my blog will help people.  I tend to be an open book, but there are things I don't like talking about.  Raw emotions, raw wounds that I wish I could just forget.  I want people to see my blog and say, "Wow, she knows what I'm going through!  She can relate to me!"  It's difficult to be vulnerable.  It means there's a level of trust and while it may be somewhat easier to be vulnerable online, it's still not easy.  I hope this blog, my struggles, and my victories will be helpful to you.

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