What You Keep Alive

"And call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you will honor me."

Psalm 50:15






Here it is, ANOTHER blog on addiction.  I know I tend to focus on this quite a bit lately.  For a week my psych meds have not been working like they should, and I have to wait a couple more days until I see my dr about them.  With this being said, my brain and my emotions have been all over the place.  With my brain and emotions running wild, my addictions have been pretty difficult to face to be honest.  I've been hallucinating, hearing voices, and very paranoid.  Why just a couple days ago I cried for an hour because I thought I was being a bad friend (I've been trying very hard to be a better friend to people, but that's for another blog for another day).  I'm paranoid that everyone is going to leave me - I mean, REALLY paranoid about it.  If I'm talking to someone, and they don't get back with me in a few minutes, I start freaking out, "Did I do something wrong?  Did I say something I shouldn't have?  Maybe they don't like me anymore?  Maybe they don't want anything to do with me anymore?"  I've been trying very hard to ignore those thoughts, but it's not easy.  Paranoia + codependency is NOT a good combination.

My addictions though, I've been very tempted to cut.  There's something about cutting that drowns out the noise in my brain.  The voices seem to go away for a bit.  This may be the same for others caught in addiction (such as alcoholics and drug addicts, they may say the same thing).  I've been good about not giving into cutting so far though.  Unfortunately, I have done some binge-eating.  Not enough that'll make my stomach have more issues, but enough to make me gain more weight.  I can't tell you how much cake I've been having lately.  Every time I see cake, I have to have some.  After weighing myself today though, I definitely realize I need to lay off the cake.  That's going to be difficult to give up for a while, but if I want to get healthy, I've got to not have any for now.  Time to make more smoothies!

When I'm caught in addiction, it screams at me when I don't give in.  Seriously.  It affects my brain and my body.  I don't really know how to explain it.  It consumes my thoughts and there's like this strong craving.  It's like a girl and chocolate.  Chocolate is a girl's best friend - until you take it away. You take away her chocolate her body craves it (I don't know if it's the sugar or what), she gets grumpy without it, and may do whatever it takes to get some chocolate.  She passes down the chocolate aisle at the grocery store and it depresses her.  She tries to reason with herself how one little chocolate won't hurt her.  What harm could one small piece of chocolate do?  Once she gives in, one little piece of chocolate isn't enough anymore.  She has to eat a whole bar, then two bars, then an entire party pack, etc!  It's a lot like that (for me at least anyway).  Whether it's with food or cutting, this is what it does to me - and when I give into it, I feel even worse than before.  I feel like a failure, I feel further away from God, and guess what that does?  It makes me feel even worse, so then I do it again.  It's this endless cycle!  I'm going through the Steps Program with Celebrate Recovery and it's been tough.  I've been learning not only what my problem is, but why I have these problems too.  Stuff that I've buried that I didn't want to deal with has been coming back.  My tendency is to give into my addictions and just bury them again, but I'm having to deal with them without giving into my addictions.  It makes my addictions scream to give into them, but I'm having to just let them be, and if I have to cry, I have to cry.  It's not easy to allow yourself to cry (or at least for me it's not easy).

Something I've been learning is that when my addictions are screaming at me, I really have to rely on Christ to help me.  There have been times where I literally go to him in tears, just begging for him to save me from these addictions.  It doesn't necessarily mean he'll take away the addictions.  For some people he does, for others he doesn't.  Sometimes it's the thorn in our side that we have to deal with until the day we die - and as miserable as that is, it's okay.  Everyone has their struggles.  We have to cling to Jesus and rely on him to help us through them.






And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10






The more we cling to Jesus and don't give into our addictions, the stronger we become.  He understands your suffering, and he will restore you.

Rescue Me

"Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory."

- Psalm 50:15



See, God has come to save me.  I will trust in him and not be afraid.  The LORD God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

- Isaiah 12:2






Lately, I've had some issues with my medication (for nearly a week).  I don't get to see my dr about them until Friday.  My emotions have been out of whack and my brain, don't even get me started on that wreck.

Anyway, when my meds aren't working, I have hallucinations, hear voices, a lot of paranoia, some delusions, and one time I got delirious.  So, guess what's been going on with me?  Most of the hallucinations I have involve either bugs or figures that look demonic.  What's scarier with the demonic ones though is even after I see it, I don't know if it's real or not.  You see, I have this test I do to see if it's real or not.  If I see something, I'll look away for a minute, and then I look back.  If it's gone, I figure it's a hallucination.  This test is not foolproof though.  I have a second test.  My cat sleeps in the bedroom with my husband and me.  If I see something and he's calmly sleeping, then I can figure it's not real either.

I've had instances in the past where I really did see demons (yes, they are very much real and very evil).  I know those were real though because others saw them with me at the same time.  If they had been hallucinations, only I would've seen them.  There is NO such thing as a group hallucination.  With this being said, I don't always know if they're real or not when I see them.

When I have these hallucinations (or hear voices - a few days ago a voice kept telling me to kill myself, but I kept fighting back saying no until it finally went away), I tend to be so afraid that I forget to ask for help from Jesus.  Yet there are times when I've had nightmares of the demonic, and when I have cried out to Jesus for help, he ALWAYS comes to my rescue and they flee.  They know this too because they'll do everything they can to shut me up in these nightmares (like sewing my mouth shut, or even trying to kill me).  Of course, these are just nightmares though right?  Maybe, maybe not.  Recently I did see one of the figures that used to torment me in my sleep.  I don't know if it was a hallucination or if it was real, but it really frightened me.  My test I did failed as well.  It only went away when my husband came (I was in the car).  ANYWAY....

What if when I see something or hear voices (whether they're caused by my psychosis or are real), I called out to Jesus for help?  I mean, if it works in my dreams, couldn't it work when I'm awake too?  He has saved me in other ways, not just in my dreams.  He's literally saved my life - multiple times.  I'd list all the times, but I'm sure there are even more incidents that I may not even know about!  So instead of being so fearful (flight vs fight - I'm always in flight mode), I should cry out to Jesus for help, and surely, he will come to my rescue!  I'm never alone, even when I feel very much alone.  He is ALWAYS with me no matter what.  He'll walk through this life with me.  If they really are demonic, they're more terrified of him than I am of them.  He will rescue me, I know he will!

Six Months Later

A few years ago I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting off and on (when I lived in Tennessee).  What is Celebrate Recovery?  It's a 12-Step program with a Christ-centered spin on it.  It's like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), etc, but it's not centered around just one addiction - it's for all addicts and other people who may have different struggles.  When I first started going to CR in TN, I mainly went to deal with grief.  I had some relationships I was involved with that were causing me a lot of problems - including getting me to cut more frequently and suicide attempts.  Don't get me wrong, it was MY choice to cut, and it was MY choice to try to end my life.  Those are MY responsibilities, but there were people who were influencing me to do them.  I've never been very strong, and I've always listened to my emotions.  Listening to your emotions can be a problem sometimes.

Anyway, I had a dr in TN that told my husband and my mom to just let me cut - that it's part of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I'll eventually grow out of it.  I was cutting more and more frequently and there wasn't anything anyone could really do to stop me.  It got to the point where I was cutting AT LEAST three times a week.  At that point I realized I needed to do something to quit.  I was running out of room on my arms and started considering cutting my legs.  I wanted to quit, but I couldn't stop - not on my own that is.

We moved to GA to live closer to my parents about two years ago because my parents wanted to keep an eye on me since I was so suicidal.  I tried really hard to quit cutting.  The longest I went was 11 months.  I was thinking if I went a year without cutting, I could possibly write a free ebook on how to quit cutting.  I'd want it to be a free resource so anyone who was struggling with it, wouldn't have to worry about money being an issue.  When I cut after 11 months though, it was really disappointing.  Then last year I went 8 months - but then gave into cutting again.  I've never been good with conflict, nor having good coping skills.  I started thinking I should just give up trying to get better.  What's the point if I'm just going to keep going back to it?

Last August I checked out a CR at my parents church.  I realized while I was there that I had another problem - codependency.  I realized "This is why I depend so much on pleasing other people!  This is why I put too much value in my relationships!  This is why I'm often a doormat!"  I allow people to use me and abuse me because I'm so afraid of losing them.  So I just take it until I can't anymore - which is when I turn to cutting (or binge-eating).  It was a good group, but then I found out the church my husband and I go to had a CR there as well; so I started going to that one instead.

Since starting going to the CR at our church, I've made friends, have a couple of accountability partners, and even a sponsor now too!

I've had some pretty close calls.  Seems like no matter how hard I try to get better, something sucker punches me in the face.  There have been times I nearly cut, and other times I nearly hung myself.  There have been a lot of things that have triggered me (I hate using that word because it's so misused now.  Kids will say "I'm triggered" if they lose at a game.  This is NOT what I mean though).  The last few months have been pretty dark for me.  If you've been reading my blog, you can probably tell I had hit some dark times.  We all have them, and some days are darker than others.  Every time I was about to hurt myself though, I was always thwarted.  I think it was God thwarting me honestly.  At one point I really was going to hang myself.  I had everything ready to do it - but as soon as I was about to put the noose around my neck, I started to bawl my eyes out.  I kept thinking about my husband, and how he'd feel if he found me that way.  Obviously, I didn't go through with it since I'm still here.  Anyway, I'm getting off the topic now.

Yes, I've had some pretty dark times where I nearly gave in.  This past Monday even I nearly cut.  I had vomited my meds which means I had no anti-psychotic meds in my system.  For the rest of the day I couldn't get out of my head.  I can tell within hours that I don't have my meds in my system.  If you take medications, TAKE THEM!  I'll be the first to tell you, I hate pills - but man, I hate being stuck in my head even more than popping pills.  Anyway, I was dealing with a lot of stuff Monday and I nearly gave in.  I didn't want to give in - especially since it was the day before getting my six month chip!  I've worked hard to get that and I don't want to start all over again!  I talked with some people to help me, and to those I talked with, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my "psychotic" side and helping me get through the day - y'all are awesome!

I managed to make it to CR yesterday without cutting and got my 6 month chip!  It was so exciting and rewarding to get it 😀  I'll tell you what though, I couldn't have gotten it on my own.  As weak as I am?  Nope, on my own strength I'd've (I made up a word there) failed.  God helped me A LOT, and he also placed people in my life who've helped me along the way as well.  Last night I got an encouraging email from one of my heroes too - telling me that he's proud of me and to keep going 😊  In six months, I have come a long ways.  Have I had my struggles and setbacks?  Definitely.  But I'm not going to let them tear me down.  I've come too far now to give up!  In six more months, I will have gone the longest without cutting in a LONG time - and I am making sure I get that one year gold medallion 😏

By the way, just an update - last week I found out what's been causing my illness.  I have two chronic illnesses: IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and Gastroparesis.  I'm not very happy I have chronic illnesses, but I'm glad I at least have some answers now.  There is a plus side to having them though - I can't binge-eat.  If I binge-eat they get worse.  Gastroparesis is basically a paralyzed stomach - it's really difficult to digest food and takes a LONG time to do it.  If I eat too much or have certain foods that are harder to digest, then I'm going to end up vomiting.  This gets confusing though.  Some foods I'm supposed to eat for the IBS, I can't eat because of the Gastroparesis.  So then I have to decide, "Which one would I rather deal with?  Diarrhea, or vomiting?"  Not fun to have to decide which one I'd rather deal with.  Luckily, the doctor did say I can have fruits and vegetables - if they're in a smoothie though.  I guess it's because they're broken down or something.  Anyway, I thought I'd give an update just incase anyone had been wondering.

O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

He Lavishes His Love On Us

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion for you."

Isaiah 54:10



How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

1 John 3:1





There are many verses that describe God's love for us, but these two I want to focus more on.

 We have a God that has compassion for us and lavishes his love on us!  Lavish....that's a word you don't hear often anymore.

Lavish:  rich, elaborate, luxurious.

God's love is rich, elaborate, and luxurious!

Often times, it can be difficult to think God lavishes his love on us or has compassion for us when you see (or experience) a lot of suffering in the world.

"Where are you God in all of this?  Are you even there?"  Don't worry, people often wondered this in Scripture as well.





O LORD, why do you stand so far away?  Why do you hide when I am in trouble?

Psalm 10:1





I know in my life, there have been MANY times where I've asked this.  Does he not see our tears?  Does he not hear our cries for help?  He does though.  I can't answer why you've experienced what you have gone through.  I can tell you this though - God has and always will be there with you through it.

There have been times where he's seemed so far away from me.  When I give into my cutting for example - he always feels further away than before, even though I know he hasn't gone further away from me. He's still there with me through it all.

He has compassion for you.  He knows the pain you go through - he's been through a lot of pain himself.  His heart BREAKS for you.  He's not a distant God, even if it feels like he is.  He is there and wants to help you - he wants to comfort you.  Let him lavish his love on you.

Christianese

Have you ever heard words/phrases come from Christians that you don't understand?  Honestly, I can't stand "Christianese" because there are words/phrases only Christians are going to understand - and even some of them don't understand what they mean either!  So, I'm going to try to help you understand what these words/phrases really mean (and hopefully I'll get some insight on them too, lol).



First, this word isn't necessarily "Christianese," but it's a word most people don't use anymore, and that word is "sin."  What does sin mean?

According to the dictionary it means "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law."

So what does this mean?  You may be saying, "I'm a good person, I have good morals, so I don't sin right?"  Or you may be saying "Morals are subjective."  Let me ask you this, do your morals align with God's Law?

1) No killing/hating
2) No infidelity/lust
3) No idolatry
4) Keeping the Sabbath (the Sabbath was a day of rest)
5) No coveting/jealousy
6) No lying
7) No stealing
8) Honor your parents
9) Don't use God's name in vain (which means making an oath under his name ("I swear to God...."))
10) Only worship God (the one true God)


I don't know about you but I've broken literally all of these (and many on a daily basis).  If you've broken even ONE of these, then you have sinned.  Thankfully, God sent his Son, Jesus, to take our punishment for us (the punishment was death and hell).  He suffered and died for us so we can be with God, even after we've sinned.  Isn't that incredible?!



Okay, on to the REAL Christianese.


I've heard this phrase many times.  I grew up in the church (though didn't start following Christ until I was 14), and I've heard so many times to ask Jesus to "come into your heart."  It always confused me, and to this day it still confuses me.  I'm like "How does someone live IN my heart?"  I mean, our heart's job is to pump blood through our bodies right?  So how does one live IN our hearts?  Of course, that's just me taking things literal though.  God doesn't LITERALLY live in your heart.  When you trust that Jesus died for you, came back to life on the third day, and you need him to rescue you from Satan (the devil/Accuser/Adversary).  Which brings to another phrase: what does it mean to be "saved?"

I'm not sure if this is really "Christianese" but I thought I'd explain it anyway.  We are prisoners of ourselves.  Doesn't make much sense right?  So basically, we are in these prison cells, but they're not like normal prisons.  They're comfortable, we get to do whatever we want while we're in them, and that's what our real focus is.  What's good for me?  What we don't realize though, is two things:  First, there is an executioner; and while your cells may be comfortable, when it's time to be executed it's going to be very painful.  He doesn't care about you, in fact he's happy to kill you in the most painful way possible!  All alone and torment,  After all, you're in prison because you rebelled against the King!  There is a second person though.  The King's Son.  He was executed in your place and went through the punishment that was meant for you!  Because of that, your cell doors are open and you can walk right out!  Your sentencing has been changed!  Instead of being a prisoner you're free!  But there's a catch - you have to actually walk out of your cell and be adopted by the King.  Yep, you read that correctly, you - a rebel of the King, He wants to adopt you as His child!  Unfortunately though, many people would rather stay in their prison cells.  They're comfortable where they are and don't think they'll really be executed.  Through Jesus, we are saved from not just Satan, but from ourselves as well.  But we have to go to him, not stay as we are.  He loves us, but he loves us enough to not want us to be prisoners.  He wants to adopt us as his children, and live life abundantly (John 10:10).

So, to be saved you need a Savior - Jesus is that Savior. Put your trust in him.

What about some other Christianese?

"Washed in the blood" is another one.  What does this mean?  Well, this could get a little complicated.  So when Adam and Eve committed the first sin (disobeyed God's command on not eating from the tree of knowledge), there had to be blood sacrifices.  These weren't human sacrifices.  These were sacrifices by animals such as sheep.  The high priest would make these sacrifices so God could forgive the people.  This was all to represent what was to come - the ultimate sacrifice.  God sent his Son, Jesus, to be the ultimate sacrifice for us.  Since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, there is no need for more sacrifices!  We are cleansed of our sins through Jesus' sacrifice.

Repentance.  What does this mean?  When we sin, we are turning away from God.  So how do we get back with him?  By repenting.  In other words, turn from your sin - don't do it again, and be obedient to God.

Born again is another one too.  What does this mean?  You know, Nicodemus (a Pharisee - leaders of the Law) wondered this as well.  It's too long of a passage though so you can go to BibleGateway.com to read it.  It's John 3:1-21.  In summary though, it's not a physical rebirth - it's a spiritual one.  It's being reborn through Christ - a new creation.

Lord.  Jesus is a leader - a good one too.  He's not some power-hungry politician or military leader.  He's a King, and a humble one for that.  He came down from heaven and was born as an innocent, little baby.  He had a humble upbringing - his family wasn't wealthy or royal.  He was poor and even homeless you could say.  ("Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."  Matthew 8:20)

Word, or rather, reading the Word.  This means Scripture, short for God's Word.  Scripture is considered to be the Word of God.

Baptism.  Baptism is a public way of saying you belong to Christ.  Jesus was buried, then came back to life.  So baptism going down in the water represents dying to yourself, then you go up out of the water to represent your new life with Christ.


Foundation.  This comes from the parable Jesus told about the person who built their house on sand, and the person who built their house on rock.  It's you identity in Christ.

Err, those are all the terms I can think of, of either "Christianese" or terms you may not know that come from Scripture.  If I think of more I'll add them here.





O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

Fearing God

What does it mean to fear God?

There are a lot of verses in Scripture on fearing God.  If you're like me and takes everything literal, this can be difficult to understand.  For a while, when I read about fearing God, I thought it literally meant you're scared of God!  I started to realize just how holy he is, and how unholy I am.  It terrified me!  How could I communicate with someone so holy, so powerful, so "good," when I am neither of those things?  Surely he wouldn't want to hear from me!  I was so scared to pray, that for several months I wrote my prayers instead.  I know it's still praying, but I felt like that was the best I could do.

But what if fearing God doesn't mean the same kind of fear we usually think of?

I think when it says to fear God, it doesn't mean scared, but rather it means to have high respect for him.  Take this verse for example:







The LORD is a friend to those who fear him.  He teaches them his covenant.

Psalm 25:15





How could we be scared of someone, and be a friend at the same time?  It's not the same as being scared, it's high respect.

Of course, there is a side to be scared of though.  He's no push-over.  He knows our hearts, and that includes the darkness inside them.  In each and every one of us, there is a side of us that says, "I can do a better job than God can."  I mean think about it.  Lucifer (Satan) fell because he thought he could be a better god than, well, God!  We are no better.''




"Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul.  Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body."

Matthew 10:28




God doesn't like punishing or destroying.  You think he takes pleasure in sending people to hell?  Heck no!  If he did, he wouldn't have sent Jesus to save us!




"I don't want you to die, says the Sovereign LORD.  Turn back and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32




There have been many times where I thought, "Where is MY justice in what I've been through?"  He is a God of justice, don't get me wrong.  Some day there will be justice for us; but that also means there will be justice for people we have hurt and treated like crap too.  There's nothing wrong with wanting justice, but be careful, because he will give justice to others as well.

Thankfully, we also have a God of mercy.  It's funny, we (or at least I) ask for justice for us from God, but then in the same breath we ask God to be merciful to us.

I know recently I've had to realize, I'm not as much of a forgiving person as thought I was.  I do hold grudges, and that is something I have to work on.  Sometimes when people come to mind who have hurt me, it really gets my blood boiling and I get really angry, clenching my fists like I'm about to hit something.  But then I realize that I really hadn't forgiven them like I had thought I had.  So I ask God to forgive me and to help me continue to forgive them.

Anyway, I think I've gone off-track.  Fearing God.  Respect.





O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1

All We Need

Well, today I'm getting the results for my CT Scan.  I've had stomach issues for over 16 months.  We haven't been able to figure out what's wrong with me, no matter how many tests we run.  People know me at the ER now because I've gone so often.  I've jokingly told them "How much is rent here?"  Jokes aside, it's been really frustrating not knowing what's wrong with me.  I vomit just about every day (though I haven't for a week now 😀).  Sometimes there's blood, and sometimes I cough up blood.  It really scares me when that happens.  My stomach has started hurting lately too.  It feels all twisted up.  I'm hoping the CT Scans have found the cause of my stomach issues.  If not, I'll have to do an endoscopy.

Anyway, I often feel like my body and my mind are betraying me.  If you've read my previous blog entries, I have A LOT of mental illnesses.  For example, if I have to get an endoscopy, I will have to miss my morning psych meds - which includes my anti-psychotic.  When I don't take my anti-psychotic, I notice a difference within hours (in other words, if I have to miss them, my husband is going to have to make sure I don't go on Facebook because I could go a bit crazy).  Within hours, I start to hallucinate and I get really paranoid (sometimes even delusional).  It's really difficult to calm me down when that happens.

I read this a few days ago:





My mind and body may grow weak, but God is my strength; he is all I need.

Psalm 73:26





He is all I need....

It's true!  He is truly ALL we need!  Whatever we're going through, he is ALWAYS going to be there with us, through it.  We're never truly alone.  No doubt, we often feel alone.  "No one understands me.  No one understands what I'm going through."  These sort of thoughts run in my head CONSTANTLY.  With all my mental illnesses?  With my past?  Who could possibly know what I go through?  Well, even if I were the only person who struggled with what I struggle with (though I know I'm not the only one), I'm still not alone.  See, Jesus is always with us.  He's not going to leave you.  He's got you 😄





"I will never never fail you.  I will never abandon you."

Hebrews 13:5





He's never going to fail you, and he's never going to abandon you.  It can often feel like he's really far away, or even that he's not there at all.  But he IS there!  Have people abandoned you?  He won't.  There have been times I've felt completely alone - like I'm trapped in this failure of a vessel.  Don't get me wrong, God does NOT make mistakes, so when I say a failure of a vessel, that's not what I mean.  It's like, when Paul says our bodies are temples to God (1 Corinthians 6:19), my temple has been torn apart, graffiti'd on, and allowed prostitutes to take over!  I self-sabatouge.  Whether it's self-harm or ruining relationships - good relationships, or allowing bad relationships to take over (I'm a bit of a doormat).  You know what though?  God can fix that broken temple.  Maybe in this life, maybe in the next.  He still resides in that run down temple though.  He will never fail you, and he will never abandon you.

All we need is Christ....




O LORD, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!

Psalm 25:1