Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

It's September, which means it's suicide prevention awareness month.  If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I have a lot to say about the topic on suicide - as someone who has attempted four times in the past nine years and many "almost" attempts.  Suicidal ideations and self-harm are things I still struggle with nearly daily.  Some days are harder than others.  I know what it's like to want to give up, like there's not much left to live for and and you're just tired of the intense pain you feel.  I know what it's like to feel worthless.  I know what it's like to feel like there's not much hope left.  If you are feeling this way, know this: YOU are NOT ALONE.  There are people (like myself) who know what you are going through.  I can empathize with you.  You do have a purpose.  You have more worth than you could ever imagine.  My husband did a podcast interview with me this year on the topic of suicide; if you'd like to listen to it click here.

If you know someone who is struggling with suicide (or self-harm), here are some tips on how to reach them.

- Let them know they aren't going through this alone.  That you are there for them no matter what.  People who are suicidal often feel like they're all alone, even if they're surrounded by many people.  Assure them that they aren't alone, and you're not going to leave them.

- Remain calm with them.  I know for me, if someone starts panicking, I start to panic as well.  I know it can be scary to think someone you care about is suicidal.  But if you remain calm, it's easier for them to remain calm as well.

- (If possible) remove anything around them that they could hurt themselves with.  For example, my husband has locked in a safe all of our belts, medications, and rope.  We also don't have any sharp knives in our apartment.  This could upset them and be a bit of an inconvenience, but if they are seriously considering suicide, remove as many harmful things as possible.

- Stay with them.  Don't leave them alone.  When we're alone, we start idealizing ways to hurt ourselves more than if we're with someone.  Feelings of abandonment makes things so much worse.  If you have to, stay with them overnight.  Of course, you can't watch them 24-7 so if things are progressively getting worse, it may be good to take them to the hospital.  I usually say this as a last resort though.  I've had trauma involving hospitals.  Some hospitals are okay and if your meds are out of whack (or you need meds) then the hospital can help with that.  They just usually don't even touch my meds.



If you are struggling with feeling suicidal, please, don't hurt yourself.  You are more valuable than you realize.  The pain may be intense now, it may even be intense for a long time, but it won't last forever.  The pain doesn't go away when you die - it gets passed on to those who care about you.  That pain for them NEVER goes away.  They continually question themselves on what they could've done to stop you.  Even if you make an attempt and you survive, people look at you differently.  People who knew me before my first suicide attempt, look at me differently since after the first suicide attempt.  You don't want that.

I have had suicidal thoughts lately.  I've chosen not to go through with them though.  I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my husband.  I also want to honor God with my life, and ending my life would not honor Him at all.  So I keep going.  I keep living, with hope that the pain won't be as intense for long.  Have hope, that tomorrow will be a new day with new opportunities.

Humility

What exactly is humility and what does it look like?  This is something I've wondered for a while.  When you think of humility, you think of someone who isn't prideful right?  Someone who doesn't think they're over the top great.  It's also someone who doesn't think they're over the top bad either.  I have a lot of false humility.  What that means is I beat myself up ALL the time and I have a lot of self-hatred.  That's the thing though, there's a lot of self-focus.  Someone who is humble is not self-focused.  They are selfless.  As I've been thinking about the saints, I've noticed a lot of them were selfless.  They didn't focus on themselves, they focused on others.  I spend so much time focusing on my pain or how bad of a person I think I am.  I try to focus on others, but I always go right back to focusing on myself.  I am trying to learn how to be more humble.  They say asking God to help you be humble is a dangerous prayer.  Indeed, I'm a bit afraid to pray it myself.  He won't just give you humility, he'll work you through it.  The thing you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it?  Is humility worth the trials ahead?  Is humility worth being broken for a while?  I'm broken as it is, but if God wants to break me even more in order for me to be humble, then so be it.  Humility is something I really want to have, so I'm prepared to work for it.  I'm tired of always focusing on myself.  I want to focus on the pain others have so I can help or pray for them, and less focus on my own pain.

Suffering

I once had a close friend that I had told I had at the time I tried to end my life.  I had been friends with her nearly all my life.  She had seen the suffering I had been through growing up.  You know what she told me though?  "You've never suffered a day in your life."

I often feel like my suffering is unbearable.  My mind is full of darkness and I can't seem to be able to escape it.  I often find myself asking God to have mercy on me and to end my life.  You may think this is an overreaction, but in my mind, it's not.  I don't think people could last even five minutes in my head.  There are some days where in my tears I beg God to just let me die.  Now, I don't say I suffer more than anyone else.  Different people suffer in different ways and can tolerate a different amount of suffering.  I've reached the point that I don't believe I can handle much more.

Recently though, I've started thinking about the saints (in both Orthodoxy and Catholicism) and their lives.  So many of them suffered, much more than I ever have.  I recently watched a movie about Saint Padre Pio's life.  He faced pain, illnesses, and persecution (from the Church) for 50 years!  Many saints were tortured and killed for their faith in Christ.  Most of my pain is inside my head, though that's not to downplay what I go through.  My pain, however, is not like what the saints have gone through.  If they could go through the suffering they went through, couldn't I as well (with God's help of course)?  If I start considering suicide or self-harm (which I have not cut for three months), I really need to consider if my actions are bringing honor to Christ.  The answer to that is no.  Self-harm and suicide does NOT bring honor to Christ.  It in fact does the opposite.  It brings dishonor to Him.  It says, "My problems are too big for him to help me through" and "My sin is too great for Him to forgive."  Am I sick?  Yes, mentally, I am VERY sick.  But that's not a death sentence either.  While I often feel like I'm cursed with the illnesses I have, God has also greatly blessed me.  To kill myself or to self-harm would be to spit in His face and say that it's not good enough.  If I want to honor Christ, I have to keep living for Him.  It's up to Him how and when I die; it's not up to me.  If I must suffer then so be it, but I know I won't be alone.  Christ is with me after all.  He can help me keep going.  No matter how empty I may feel, He can fill me.  Any suffering I go through in this life, is nothing compared to the joy I'll have with Him some day.  That is where I need to place my hope: that one day I will be with Him.