The Day I Died

 The day I died

The day I died my heart bled oceans.

I took a bottle of pills and thought “never again will I feel this pain again!”

Feeling alone and forgotten by everyone I held dear to me, feeling as if God Himself forgot me too.

The day I died I laid in bed with my pillow drenched in my tears.

All I had consumed that day were white, chalky pills, which I had vomited some on the floor next to my bed.

I just wanted the pain to end....I just wanted to go home to where I really belonged...

The day I died I said goodbye and decided enough was enough.

Before I could have the chance to fall asleep, I was taken to the hospital.

I started choking on my vomit, so I was intubated.

The day I died, there was no one there to comfort me, no one there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay or that I was even loved.

I had no one but the doctor, nurses, and sitters to keep me company. All had abandoned me.

Hooked up to tubes and wires, no way a person is supposed to live like that....

The day I died I started wishing I had never said goodbye to anyone.

If I hadn’t said goodbye to anyone, I would’ve fallen into eternal sleep, never to feel that deep pain ever again.

How I hated once again I could not go into that eternal sleep!

I left the hospital, but my mind was gone and my heart was cold like ice.

Life was meaningless, life was worthless, and there is no more good or light in this world.

God was dead, and so was I.

The light in my eyes was gone, nothing but an empty shell of a person was left.

“Where are you God? If you’re there where the hell are you? You promised to always be there! You promised to never crush a bruised reed! You promised to defend the innocent! Where the hell are you?! Do you even hear my cries?! Do you even see my tears?! Where are you when the shadows of the night torment me?! Where are you when I fall out of bed at night from the terrors of night?! Where are you when flashes of my traumatic life come back in my wake and sleep?! Where are you when people falsely accuse me of wicked things?! Where the hell are you?! Because damn it if you’re there it feels like I’m all alone!”

The next morning someone sends me a long list of verses to read.

I’m hesitant, but I proceed.

I drop my phone.

Every verse is how God comes to our rescue.

God heard me. He heard my cries. He saw my tears. He saw my deep anguish and suffering. I knew then I was not alone, and never will be.

Little by little, life started returning to my dead bones, my rotting carcass.

Light began returning to my eyes.

My icy heart melted, with one made of soft flesh and warmth underneath. Though this heart is scarred, it still keeps beating a song for Christ.

God was not dead after all, and neither was I.

The day I came back to life, I was a new person.

Filled with love for God, determined to serve Him until everything in me was spent.

Determined to help others confused and suffering to find His light.

The day I came back to life, I realized He is the sun, and I am but a small moon that reflects his light in a dark world.

Life has meaning, life has purpose, and that is to bring glory to Him!

My life, which was filled with so much darkness, is filled with His light to share with the world!

The day I came back to life, joy returned to me.

A fire was lit inside me like never before.

Never again will I turn to the darkness again, I will be consumed by His light!

The day I died, I drowned in the ocean of my bleeding heart.

The day I lived, I drowned in the ocean of His blood and great mercy.

Codependency

 What is codependency?  Well, if you’re an addict, you most likely struggle with some form of codependency. If you grew up in a home where a parent was an addict or neglectful, you probably struggle with some codependency. If you’ve had to be a caretaker to a spouse, you’re probably codependent (notice I said caretaker and not caregiver). When the term originally came out in the 80s, it was attached to those who care for addicts. Now it is attached to a number of people. It is a very common, but deadly disease. That’s right, I called it deadly and a disease. Why? It destroys.

I struggle with codependency for a number of reasons. Codependency usually is something females struggle with because males usually learn independence from an earlier age. It often arises in children who depend on their parents, but for whatever reason, their parents were not their to provide the need. In some way that child was neglected. With that being said, the child learns to depend more on others for validation and becomes a people pleaser. The child was invalidated growing up by those they should’ve been validated by the most, so the child looks elsewhere. Codependent behavior is a learned behavior to help cope. Since it is learned, it can also be unlearned. It doesn’t become unlearned overnight though (wouldn’t that be nice if it were?). I’m going through a book on Audible right now called “Codependency No More.” It’s really good so far. I have struggled with codependency most of my life, only to worsen as I get older; with self fulfilling prophecies. “This person is going to leave me!” So I cling to them tighter until they suffocate and leave. “See? I knew they’d leave!” Codependency kills all types of relationships, as well as the self identity. You lose sight of your identity, what makes you, YOU; only to become who you perceive is what the other person wants you to be.

How do we beat codependency? I’m not sure it ever fully goes away, but like physical diseases, I believe it can be managed. I’m still learning, it’s still a struggle, however I think I’m getting better. For an example, I got married at 19 based on codependency. Now that I’m in the process of getting divorced, I’m enjoying single life for now. Sure it gets lonely, and sometimes that codependency creeps back in. I miss companionship, especially when I’m struggling with ptsd episodes alone. I hate I have to use my vape to cope, but it’s temporary until I can get some kind of animal to help me or go through trauma therapy (which I found out my current therapist possibly does so I will ask her about that this week). I figure I can’t be happy with another person if I’m not happy with myself first. I want to be my best self before I’m with someone else. So before I even think about getting in a relationship, I want to get better control of this codependency first. When I can be my true self around people, and accept myself for who I am - flaws and everything, I’ll be ready!

I’ve met people who are more codependent than I am, which to be honest I didn’t know was possible. Some people with codependency will physically get sick if particular people don’t talk to them for even one day! Luckily I haven’t gotten that bad yet. I may feel a bit sad, but I don’t physically get sick at least!

I think to get better control of codependency one of the key things is to see your value in Christ. You have to realize your identity and value doesn’t come from other people, it comes from Christ! Who He sees you as, who He made you to be, that is who you are! Not what man thinks of you! Jesus values you so much that He died the most painful death for you. When people jeered and mocked Him, saying “if you’re the Son of God, come down from the cross!” You know why He didn’t get down from the cross? You were on His mind. “I’m doing this for (insert name).” He could have gotten down, but He chose not to for you. Do you realize how powerful that is? You are so precious to Him that he was tortured and died for you! When I think about that, I think “who cares what people think of me! The God of the universe sees me as something so valuable and precious that He’d do that for me? Forget man!” That’s why even though I’d like to be with someone one day, I’m okay if I’m single. My value doesn’t come from being with someone, it comes from God! If God can see me as so valuable (more valuable than rubies), I must be something precious!

I notice the more I start to become comfortable with myself, the more confident (healthy confidence not arrogance) I become and I even want to take better care of myself for the right reasons. I don’t want to lose weight so a guy will like me, I want to lose weight so my body will be healthy and I live a longer life! Your value is in Christ and luckily, He sees you as very valuable. He doesn’t care how expensive the clothes you wear are, what your body looks like, what your hair looks like, if you talk more mature or how smart you are or how much money you make. None of that matters to Him. The heart is what matters to Him. Remember, despite how anyone else sees you, the King of Kings sees you as precious in His eyes! So who cares what man thinks of you? God bless!

Goals for 2021

Here’s a goal I have: after I’ve been a pretty good driver for a few years (and have a decent job), I’m thinking about getting a motorcycle 🏍 I’ve always really liked them so while I’m still somewhat young, why the heck not 😛 besides, I’m a leather jacket, leather pants type of girl anyway, so it’ll just give me an excuse to wear that stuff lol 😂 I’m not sure what kind of car I’ll drive, I guess whatever is affordable. I do like trucks though so maybe a pickup truck 🛻 or maybe a jeep eventually, I’ve always really liked Jeep Wranglers since I was a kid! It’s gonna be difficult to find a truck that’s got decent gas mileage on it though I think because I think often times they’re gas guzzlers (Hummers anyone?). I do like Hummers, but maybe if I were living on a ranch (which is a dream of mine, I want to rescue farm animals :) ) or something. I’ve got so many dreams I want to accomplish. Like I want to conquer some of my fears (cage diving with great white sharks, mountain climbing, etc - no skydiving for me though lol). I’m trying to train for running but it’s taking a toll on my body already. My arthritis and fasciitis has been really painful lately which has limited my working out. I’ve been walking about 18,000-21,000 steps a day so that’s good. I’m still working on coping with ptsd, I honestly probably need some trauma-based therapy which scares the hell outa me. My insurance doesn’t usually cover that though so until I’ve got a decent paying job I’m kinda stuck :/ for now I cope with a CBD vape (I use strawberry watermelon flavor which tastes like candy lol, next I’m gonna try mint mango). I find when I use it early enough during a ptsd episode, it helps a lot. So here’s my plan so far:

1) get a job

2) start drivers ed online (I’m signed up for this)

3) get two Guinea Pigs for emotional support animals so I don’t have to use my vape quite as often

4) work on paying for divorce

5) start paying for WiFi

6) save up for a new iPhone (I’m using a used 6s and the battery is terrible and eventually I’m gonna need a new phone), I’m thinking maybe getting an iPhone X

7) start paying for Amazon Prime again

8) start paying for Boxy Charm (makeup) monthly

9) continue getting healthier and losing weight (another 60 pounds for the next year!)

10) find a one bedroom apartment because it’s difficult to afford a two bedroom on my own (unless I find a roommate)

11) study Kierkegaard and some of the mystics in the Catholic Church

12) find an organization that does service dogs for non-military PTSD and start that process

13) go back to school (I haven’t decided what school yet, I had thought I wanted to go to cosmetology school, but I’ve changed my mind lol. I want to eventually go to seminary because I want to eventually work on helping people get out of the occult or prevent Christians from getting involved in it. It is infiltrating the Church and the Church does not address this enough!)

14) practice my bass guitar more

Once I start driving, I think my parents will probably help me with getting a car, if not:

1) get a car

2) find a church to call home

3) find a spiritual advisor

3) start taking salsa dance classes

4) start taking martial arts classes (always wanted to learn plus self defense is good for a woman in the Atlanta area)

5) start looking at property in Texas, I haven’t decided what part yet (except I’ve been told not Austin because there’s a lot of liberals there lol)