Promises

I heard this song a few months ago and I really liked it, but I couldn't figure out what song it was until I heard it on the radio in the car today.  I looked up the lyrics and knew I needed to blog about this song.

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength
And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises
And all things work for the good of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even His own son
His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So, if you feel weak
Just hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises
Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us
Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us
Just hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises
Just hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises
Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us 



For the past month I've been feeling really abandoned by God.  People tell me he hasn't abandoned me, but I've been feeling so hopeless and like God is working against me instead of for me.  That's the problem with feelings though.  We feel like we've been abandoned when really we haven't been.  I've tried medication after medication to treat my depression.  I've tried intense therapy (DBT - Dialectical Behavior Therapy).  I was going to try ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) but I got rejected for it because of my brain injury I got from my first suicide attempt several years ago.  This has left me feeling very hopeless because I feel like that was my last chance at controlling my depression, and that chance fell through.  So I looked at the lyrics to this song and it really resonated with me.


Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength

Sometimes it's really hard to trust God, let alone believe he's there when you can't see him.  You can't see him, you can't hear him, you can't touch him, it's as if he's a figment of our imagination - and there are people who believe that.  I'm not going to debate whether he exists or not.  But I do understand why it can be difficult.  Sometimes life can beat us down so bad we don't know what to pray.  Sometimes we just want to ball our eyes out and scream, "WHY GOD?!  WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!"  But when we cry out to him, often times we're left with silence.  This can be so frustrating.  We wonder, "Is he even listening?  Can he even hear me?"  We may not be able to physically hear him speak to us (or at least the majority of us), but there is a way he speaks to us - through his Word, Scripture.  God whispers to us in our time of discomfort like

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
- Psalm 30:5

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
- Psalm 147:3

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
- Matthew 5:4

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
 - Matthew 11:28

 ( For more:  https://lifehopeandtruth.com/bible/bible-study/encouraging-bible-verses/encouraging-bible-verses-about-comfort/ )

We can be strengthened by the Word.  I'll admit, I haven't been reading my Bible very much.  My husband reads to me every night, but as for me reading it on my own I haven't done in a while.  I want to get back to reading it, but I've had some fears about reading it.  But I'm going to start reading it again because that is how God communicates to us.  If I want to hear from him, instead of focusing on the silence of God, I need to listen to what he says in his Word he's provided us.


And all things work for the good of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even His own son
His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So, if you feel weak

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
- Romans 8:28





 No matter how bad things seem, no matter how hopeless things look, we have been promised that everything will work together for the good of those who love God.  So even though things look hopeless for me in treating my depression, it's somehow going to be okay.  Things will work for good.

God will heal me some day.  It may not be in this life, but some day I won't have to deal with this depression anymore.  Some day all sickness - mental and physical - will be gone.  Sometimes we get healed in this life, other times we have to wait until the next life.  I often feel like this depression has me in chains, but some day the chains will be broken and I'll be free!

God is faithful.  When he promises something, he keeps that promise.  When God made a covenant with Abraham, he had Abraham sacrifice some animals and cut them in two so someone could walk in between them.  When this covenant was made, whoever walks through between the two sides of the animals was making a promise that if they ever broke that covenant, they would end up the same way as those animals.  Guess who walked through?  It wasn't Abraham, it was God!  So God was saying, "If I break this covenant, it will be the end of me."  God kept his promise with Abraham and keeps all of his other promises.

God's love is so unbelievable.  God sent his son to die for us.  He died for our past sins, our present sins, and our future sins.  Jesus was tortured, mocked, and killed in our place so we could approach God and have a relationship with him.  He loves us for who we are, wicked sinners and all.  We don't deserve him, but he gives himself for us anyway.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
- Romans 8:31

I may feel like God is against me, but the truth is he is for me!  God isn't laughing at us when we suffer.  He isn't saying, "Well, you're screwed, can't do anything to help ya."  No, he is on our side!  No matter how big our problems may be, God is on our side and wants to help us through it.  If the all-powerful God of the universe is on our side, who could possibly be against us that is even worth worrying about?  Let me answer that question for ya, NO ONE!!!


Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers.....
-Romans 8:38

NOTHING can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing we do, say, or think can separate us from the love God.  Not life, not death, not angels, not demons, absolutely NOTHING can separate us from the love of God.  I really struggle with this concept, but I know it to be true.  It's really quite a foreign concept for us.  We're used to things, big and small things, separating us from people.  But for God, nothing can separate us from the love of God.  People are fickle and can change often.  But God never changes.  God will ALWAYS love us no matter our filth.


Just hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises

If we are going to survive this life, we need to hold onto the promises God has made to us.  The promise that I have a hard time really grasping and am trying to constantly remind myself is

...“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Hebrews 13:5

Many people in my life have ditched me.  I'm often afraid that one day I'll have no one left.  But even if that were to happen, God says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  So even if everyone left me, I still have the all mighty God in my corner.

If you feel abandoned by God, you're not alone.  Many of us feel this way, but our feelings are lying to us.  He is always with us, no matter how far away he seems.  He's here with us - fighting this battle with us.  So let's hold on to the promises he has made to us.  We will get through this!

Where Are You?

Where are you?
I can't find you near me.
I'm engulfed in darkness....and I can't see your light....
I'm tearing myself apart, yet you are not here to stop me.....

Where are you?
You promised you'd always be there for me!
You promised you would never leave me nor forsake me.
But you are nowhere near me....

Where are you?
I feel so alone....no one understands me!
I keep getting sicker....yet you are not here to heal me....
I destroy my body, but you do not stop me....

Where are you?
I'm ready to disappear forever, yet every time I try you stop me.
Do you think it's funny how I suffer?
Are you entertained with me losing this fight?

Where are you?
I'm drowning in a sea of sorrow.
I'm broken and beyond repair.
Yet you are nowhere to be seen....

Where are you?
I can't find you!
You've left me all alone!
I can't keep going on like this!

...................................................
...................................................
...................................................
...................................................
I see it!
The light, it's near your children.
You're with them, I see you.
Could it be you're with me too?

Where are you?
Right here with me through the darkness.

Vengence

I haven't written in a month.  A lot has been going on I don't want to get into.

I was watching one of my favorite movies "Horsemen."  If you can't handle torture scenes I don't recommend this movie.  Anyway, it got me thinking about revenge.  We think about revenge, we fantasize about revenge, sometimes we crave it.  We've been wronged and sometimes we want the other person to hurt like they hurt us.  This movie was all about that.  Four people form a group called, "We Are the Nothing" and they commit murders based on the four horsemen.  (SPOILERS) The first one kills her mother to make her father hurt for having molested her.  She goes by WAR, or the red horseman.  The second one was killed as the black horseman, and the body had a necklace representing the Scales of Justice.  The third horsemen killed himself to make his brother suffer by watching it, he was the pale horseman or green.  He represented DEATH.  Another body was then found and it represented PESTILENCE.  The final horseman, the white horseman who was the leader, we don't know if he dies, but in the end I think it assumes he lives since the detective (main character) finds him.  The white horseman turns out to be his son!  The son tells his father all of the horsemen were doing this to show parents who aren't in their kids lives they have a role to play.  It was all about revenge on the parents (or in the case of the green horseman his older brother).

Anyway, we often imagine what revenge would look like for us.  Some people actually play out that revenge.  But Romans 12:19 says

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

As much as we may want revenge, we need to wait on God's timing because He will avenge us.  

Gravity

Here are the lyrics to Gravity by Papa Roach:

I was there on the day truth died
Blood on my hands, throw them up in the sky
I was a number one sinner no less
My life was a lie and my wish was a death
I fell in love with the ways of the world
Money and the fame, the booze and the girls
But I couldn't stay faithful if I tried
I'd turn into a devil you could see it in my eyes
I blacked out, told you everything I ever did
I couldn't take all the lies I was living with
I broke your heart, broke up the next day
My bags outside yelling get the hell away
You're not a husband, not a father just a pig
And you can never change all the things that you did
That's when I knew it, it wouldn't last
You'll never get away when you're running from the past

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

I'm a broken man, I'm full of sin
I'm sick of all this hell that I'm livin' in
I can't escape it – this is how it feels
When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills
You tore me down and wished that I was dead
Said you wanna sleep alone in another bed
But when I push you away, you only pull me closer
It's only over when we both wanna say it's over
I gotta change – this is not who I am
I wanna start over, wanna try this again
You're everything I need, everything I'm not
So pull the trigger give me one more shot

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

You love me You hate me
You kiss me You break me
You lifted me up just to watch as you dropped me
You promised me – looked me straight in the eyes
No matter what you say – I don't know the truth from the lies
I held you up like I always do
I forgave you for your sins and I carried you through
No matter how hard we fall
We always knew
You will bleed for me, and I will bleed for you

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

Baby we can float away 

I've been feeling this song lately.   I consider myself one of the worst of sinners.  My life is a lie.  I come across to people as someone happy and put together....but that's not the truth.  The true me is broken, in agony, and I just wish I could disappear and never come back.  I used to trust people....I was too trusting.  For the most part I'm an open book, but there are some things I keep private.  There was one friend, who pretty much knew everything about me.  I told them everything.  I trusted them.  But I was wrong to trust them.  As much as I want to runaway from the past though, it always catches up with me.  God continually makes me face them and my problems.

I'm sick of the way I'm living.  But I can never escape it.  I've cut myself, overdosed, burned myself, tried to expose a vein, all ways trying to escape.  But I always survive, and I always have to face things again.  All because I was betrayed.  I want to start things over, but I'll never be able to.  I have to move on, whether I like it or not. 

This friend who turned on me, for a while they made me feel important, special.  I thought I had something I had wanted for a long time.  But they broke me.  They lied to me, and now I can't tell what is true and what is a lie.  I forgave them again and again, no matter how many times they abused me I kept forgiving them and let them walk all over me. 

I try to move on with my life, but the memories of this person keep pulling me down like gravity.  Some day, I'll move on.  I will probably never forget them, but some day I won't be crippled by this anymore.

The Battle With the Sister Monsters

This is part 3 of my creative writing story I did last year.


I saw people all around me....stuck in prisons similar to the one I was in.  The doors were opened in these prisons and I tried to show the people "You are free!  I was once just like you, but I was set free by the King's Son.  He has set you free too!  If you come with me, I will take you to him and the King!"  But the people refuse to come with me.  Instead they stay in the prisons.  The chains came undone but some of them try to put the chains back on.  Some of them have fallen in love with the dungeon masters.  I cannot believe my eyes!  They refuse freedom!  Some of them call me insane, saying it is better to be a prisoner than to be  exposed in the light.  I see the dungeon masters laughing at me.  They snicker in the background, "You'll never get them to follow the King, they've come to love the dungeons so much they've forgotten their death sentence!"  I grip onto my sword tightly, ready to attack the dungeon masters, but I hear a voice that sounds like the King's Son say, "No, he's mine to deal with!  You are to reach the prisoners and if those beneath the dungeon masters come, you may fight them.  I will help you fight them.  But leave the dungeon masters to me."  Drops of sweat begin to fall from my face, "Why?  He's in my range!  If you are with me surely I can take him!  Surely these people will want to be free if they see the dungeon masters are gone!"  The King's Son's voice responds, "No, they will stay put in their prison cells.  They refuse to come to me on their own free will.  In due time, I will destroy the dungeon masters, but it is not time yet.  But I will protect you from them."
"If the people are going to just refuse you, why do you want me to reach out to them still?"
"Because I still love them and I want to give them every chance they can get before it's too late."
Suddenly, creatures came in the dungeon.  They were beautiful and I couldn't take my eyes off of them.  They were alluring and tempting me.  I started to lower my guard.  It was as if I had been in a trance by these beautiful creatures.  One of them started taking off my armor.  I sat there in a daze.  In my mind I was screaming, "What are you doing?!  Get up!!  Don't let them do this to you!"  But my body wouldn't move, it was as if they had cast a spell on me and I was paralyzed.  But as soon as they touched my sword, my sword reacted.  My sword began to glow and even shake.  Suddenly my eyes were opened and I saw what these creatures really were - monsters!  Suddenly my armor gravitated back onto me and the creatures began to shreik.  It was as if they didn't expect me to awaken from my daze they put me in from their beauty.  I held onto my sword and smirked, "You thought you could tempt me with your lust?  Well it appears the King has different plans!"  I charged after the creatures with my sword and they were terrified!  They shreiked trying to get away.  I grabbed one of them by their long hair and stabbed them in the back with my sword.  As the other one tried to attack me from behind, I heard a voice say, "Behind you!"  I turned around and used my shield and protected myself from the blast.  It started charging for another blast as I started charging towards it again, "You won't take advantage of me again!"  I jumped up in the air as soon as it released the blast.  It looked up at me as if in slow-motion and I looked at it with a smirk on my face, "It's over!"  I landed on top of the monster and stabbed it just like its sister.  The two monsters were defeated.  The sword stopped shaking and glowing.  I wiped the sweat off my face and I returned to where the people were in the prisons of the dungeon.  I begged them to come with me, but even after defeating the two monsters, they refused.  I realized it was useless at this particular dungeon at the moment.  "Perhaps I will have to come back another time.  Perhaps then they will be more open to listen."  I wiped the dust off my shoes and left sullen, but determined.  "I won't let you down my King!"